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Post by metaldancer on Aug 18, 2015 17:33:47 GMT
He deleted your comments - I'd take the hint.
E-mailing him was wrong and he and his mom are justified in being mad and upset.
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Dalai Mama
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Post by Dalai Mama on Aug 18, 2015 17:42:46 GMT
Being embarrassed is fine. A quick note to her when you started deleting her comments asking her not to comment because it's embarrassing to explain to your friends why your aunt is commenting on your photo would have avoided a whole mess. So your issue is that he didn't tell her that it was embarrassing until she asked? Pointing out again that he's 12. There are grown women on this board that avoid confrontation at all costs.
Aunt asked, nephew answered, aunt still posted. Given that aunt has shown she doesn't respect his boundaries even after he explains it to her, how would exactly do you figure this mess would have been avoided if nephew had done something different?
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Post by gar on Aug 18, 2015 17:45:07 GMT
As I have said 100 times she should have stopped when he asked. But she had to ask him why he was deleting her comments he didn't offer up that information. As you don't yet have children of that age your perceptions will probably change (as you said yourself). Currently your expectations are a little unrealistic I think.
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Post by MichyM on Aug 18, 2015 17:56:38 GMT
I agree with the others. I also think it probably was difficult for the nephew to muster up enough courage to let his aunt know that he is embarrassed by her comments. To then ignore his request to refrain is inconsiderate.
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Post by agengr2004 on Aug 18, 2015 17:57:32 GMT
Being embarrassed is fine. A quick note to her when you started deleting her comments asking her not to comment because it's embarrassing to explain to your friends why your aunt is commenting on your photo would have avoided a whole mess. So your issue is that he didn't tell her that it was embarrassing until she asked? Pointing out again that he's 12. There are grown women on this board that avoid confrontation at all costs.
Aunt asked, nephew answered, aunt still posted. Given that aunt has shown she doesn't respect his boundaries even after he explains it to her, how would exactly do you figure this mess would have been avoided if nephew had done something different?
Going back to my first post. The aunt is wrong, and the kid and mom are justified in being upset. My point is that I feel that there's a teaching moment here with our children in how to handle these situations directly and not by some social media standard that some may or may not know. How to set boundaries appropriately, dealing with family in social situations, etc. There's a huge disconnect between generations and social media and it's hard to navigate those waters sometimes. We as adults aren't the only ones that need to adapt to it. If you are old enough to use it the you need to be prepared to deal with all aspects of it. Telling your family members head on that you don't want them to comment even though you are allowing them to view your page is one of those things. Those are just my feelings on the subject.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2015 18:02:17 GMT
I don't have children but I have worked and been involved with enough 12 year old boys to say that that would not even occur to them, they just don't have the maturity or the social skills to do that. You're trying to force adult ways of dealing with things on to a child and it just doesn't work.
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Post by whopea on Aug 18, 2015 18:08:06 GMT
This thread makes me so glad I don't have a teenager on social media. I'll be honest here and say I find this thread strange. I get that the OP shouldn't be picking a fight over this with a 12 year old. On the other hand, I probably wouldn't be excusing that sort of behavior from my child. I wouldn't let them treat their family or younger siblings like that in a real public setting so I don't feel like I'd let them do it in a virtual one either. I have teenage cousins and a couple of close friends children on my facebook and they don't act this way. If I found out that my children were adding family members just to be rude to them, I'd have them either a.) delete all family members except for parents or b.) delete social media all together. I feel like there's a lesson here somewhere about navigating family and friends in a social setting that's being lost. But take my post with a grain of salt, I may be singing a different tune in 6 years when I'm actually in this situation. This. OP should not have crossed the boundary and messaged a nasty-gram to her nephew, but, these are the problems I have with the whole situation. Nephew is 12. Instagram rules require 13. That's on his parents. So long as a family member is not posting intentionally embarrassing things (like, "oh nephew, this reminds me of the time that you threw up after riding that coaster!"), my rule would be leave the comment. Things like "great photo" and "awesome" are not embarrassing, even if they came from an adult. I wouldn't allow a teen to diss an aunt or other relative in public like that (equivalent to me - "shut up" or walking away) so why would I allow them on social media?
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Post by gar on Aug 18, 2015 18:10:53 GMT
So your issue is that he didn't tell her that it was embarrassing until she asked? Pointing out again that he's 12. There are grown women on this board that avoid confrontation at all costs.
Aunt asked, nephew answered, aunt still posted. Given that aunt has shown she doesn't respect his boundaries even after he explains it to her, how would exactly do you figure this mess would have been avoided if nephew had done something different?
Going back to my first post. The aunt is wrong, and the kid and mom are justified in being upset. My point is that I feel that there's a teaching moment here with our children in how to handle these situations directly and not by some social media standard that some may or may not know. How to set boundaries appropriately, dealing with family in social situations, etc. There's a huge disconnect between generations and social media and it's hard to navigate those waters sometimes. We as adults aren't the only ones that need to adapt to it. If you are old enough to use it the you need to be prepared to deal with all aspects of it. Telling your family members head on that you don't want them to comment even though you are allowing them to view your page is one of those things. Those are just my feelings on the subject. I'm sorry if you're feeling piled on but that's just not going to happen. A 12 year old is not going to lay down the rules to his aunt nor, come to think of it, is he even likely to be able to anticipate that she would comment and then approach her and state his guidelines ahead of time. He's 12!!
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Post by agengr2004 on Aug 18, 2015 18:12:07 GMT
I don't have children but I have worked and been involved with enough 12 year old boys to say that that would not even occur to them, they just don't have the maturity or the social skills to do that. You're trying to force adult ways of dealing with things on to a child and it just doesn't work. This is the point though. Allowing children into more mature social settings, like Facebook and Instagram isn't doing them any favors. Of they aren't ready to handle it then they shouldn't be on it.
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Post by gar on Aug 18, 2015 18:14:06 GMT
Do you think a 13 year old would have anticipated this situation in advance? At that age they can't even anticipate what time to get up for school half the time!!
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Dalai Mama
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Jun 26, 2014 0:31:31 GMT
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Post by Dalai Mama on Aug 18, 2015 18:14:15 GMT
So your issue is that he didn't tell her that it was embarrassing until she asked? Pointing out again that he's 12. There are grown women on this board that avoid confrontation at all costs.
Aunt asked, nephew answered, aunt still posted. Given that aunt has shown she doesn't respect his boundaries even after he explains it to her, how would exactly do you figure this mess would have been avoided if nephew had done something different?
Going back to my first post. The aunt is wrong, and the kid and mom are justified in being upset. My point is that I feel that there's a teaching moment here with our children in how to handle these situations directly and not by some social media standard that some may or may not know. How to set boundaries appropriately, dealing with family in social situations, etc. There's a huge disconnect between generations and social media and it's hard to navigate those waters sometimes. We as adults aren't the only ones that need to adapt to it. If you are old enough to use it the you need to be prepared to deal with all aspects of it. Telling your family members head on that you don't want them to comment even though you are allowing them to view your page is one of those things. Those are just my feelings on the subject. And my feelings are that there are women on this board who wouldn't have done any different from what nephew did because they don't want to deal with the confrontation. It's not an age thing; it's a personality thing.
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Dalai Mama
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Posts: 6,985
Jun 26, 2014 0:31:31 GMT
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Post by Dalai Mama on Aug 18, 2015 18:16:53 GMT
I don't have children but I have worked and been involved with enough 12 year old boys to say that that would not even occur to them, they just don't have the maturity or the social skills to do that. You're trying to force adult ways of dealing with things on to a child and it just doesn't work. This is the point though. Allowing children into more mature social settings, like Facebook and Instagram isn't doing them any favors. Of they aren't ready to handle it then they shouldn't be on it. I would argue that the nephew managed to navigate Instagram more maturely than his aunt did.
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Post by myshelly on Aug 18, 2015 18:20:20 GMT
I don't have children but I have worked and been involved with enough 12 year old boys to say that that would not even occur to them, they just don't have the maturity or the social skills to do that. You're trying to force adult ways of dealing with things on to a child and it just doesn't work. This is the point though. Allowing children into more mature social settings, like Facebook and Instagram isn't doing them any favors. Of they aren't ready to handle it then they shouldn't be on it. The child *did* handle it. He handled it fine. It's the alleged *adult* who was in the wrong, who was rude and immature, and who could not handle social media.
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Post by peasful1 on Aug 18, 2015 18:21:53 GMT
I'd tell my kid to block you if you acted like that with him. I'd likely block you, too. Shame on you for disrespecting him in such a brazen manner. Luckily, at 12 he seems to be able to deal with his emotions with more aplomb than you, an adult. You owe him an apology.
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Post by leftturnonly on Aug 18, 2015 18:22:03 GMT
As I have said 100 times she should have stopped when he asked. But she had to ask him why he was deleting her comments he didn't offer up that information. You mean he acted like a 12 year old?
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Post by agengr2004 on Aug 18, 2015 18:22:53 GMT
This is the point though. Allowing children into more mature social settings, like Facebook and Instagram isn't doing them any favors. Of they aren't ready to handle it then they shouldn't be on it. The child *did* handle it. He handled it fine. It's the alleged *adult* who was in the wrong, who was rude and immature, and who could not handle social media. Yes, she was rude and immature. However, deleting innocent responses to posts because your embarrassed your aunt is posting to your page is far from mature.
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Rhondito
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Jun 25, 2014 19:33:19 GMT
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Post by Rhondito on Aug 18, 2015 18:24:25 GMT
What sort of behaviour? As I said, I have no experience with this. But I liken it to inviting someone to a party, but then telling them that they can't talk to me, or anyone else, or acknowledge their existence. If you're going to be like that then don't invite them. If you don't want to interact with family on social media, that's perfectly fine. Don't friend them. On Instagram though, for the most part, you don't send invites. People just follow you - if your account is set to private then the user has to approve the follower. I don't know how the nephew has his settings?
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Post by myshelly on Aug 18, 2015 18:25:21 GMT
The child *did* handle it. He handled it fine. It's the alleged *adult* who was in the wrong, who was rude and immature, and who could not handle social media. Yes, she was rude and immature. However, deleting innocent responses to posts because your embarrassed your aunt is posting to your page is far from mature. In your opinion. The majority of peas do not agree with you, IMO, you can delete anything you want from *your* account for any reason or no reason at all. I delete comments I don't like from my pictures. It's called managing my account. And as multiple peas have also pointed out there were actual valid safety reasons for him deleting most of the comments.
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Dalai Mama
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Jun 26, 2014 0:31:31 GMT
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Post by Dalai Mama on Aug 18, 2015 18:28:35 GMT
FTR, I delete my mother's comments on facebook on a regular basis. I figure, I've already had the 'You shouldn't ask your niece about her perforated colon on her timeline' conversation so, I've done my part.
ETA, and she wonders why my kids don't accept her friend requests.
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Post by agengr2004 on Aug 18, 2015 18:30:50 GMT
Yes, she was rude and immature. However, deleting innocent responses to posts because your embarrassed your aunt is posting to your page is far from mature. In your opinion. The majority of peas do not agree with you, IMO, you can delete anything you want from *your* account for any reason or no reason at all. I delete comments I don't like from my pictures. It's called managing my account. And as multiple peas have also pointed out there were actual valid safety reasons for him deleting most of the comments. You are correct. No one here has to agree with me. Still doesn't change my mind. For safety reasons, 12 year olds shouldn't be in social media IMO.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2015 18:31:45 GMT
Once again, he is 12. He is not mature, he is 12, he handled it in the best way his immature 12 year old brain could. He removed what he deemed to be the problem, his aunt was causing him embarrassment amongst his peers so he deleted her comments. At 12 that probably seemed smart to him. His aunt being an adult should have taken that cue and left him alone on Instagram, it doesn't sound like he was posting anything inappropriate so this wasn't even a case of keeping tabs on him it was just poking the puppy when she had been asked to stop.
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Post by anxiousmom on Aug 18, 2015 18:32:27 GMT
The child *did* handle it. He handled it fine. It's the alleged *adult* who was in the wrong, who was rude and immature, and who could not handle social media. Yes, she was rude and immature. However, deleting innocent responses to posts because your embarrassed your aunt is posting to your page is far from mature. Having been around teenagers, deleting a comment because your aunt embarrassed you is way more mature than some of the other ways some kids would have responded. There are so many generational differences going on here. Some of us have been through this, some of are going through it and some of us aren't quiet there yet. The ages of the parents, their experiences of going through this before technology and various comfort levels with social media. These things really impact how we feel about both the behavior of the boy and aunt in question. For me personally, I am still going through it. Mine are much older, so I have already navigated the early years of facebook, twitter, instagram and now snap chat. From hard learned lessons, I know what worked for me and my family. There were boat loads of expectations that I had to change because I was actually being fairly unreasonable and because I learned from experience.
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Post by anonrefugee on Aug 18, 2015 18:34:47 GMT
So your issue is that he didn't tell her that it was embarrassing until she asked? Pointing out again that he's 12. There are grown women on this board that avoid confrontation at all costs.
Aunt asked, nephew answered, aunt still posted. Given that aunt has shown she doesn't respect his boundaries even after he explains it to her, how would exactly do you figure this mess would have been avoided if nephew had done something different?
Going back to my first post. The aunt is wrong, and the kid and mom are justified in being upset. My point is that I feel that there's a teaching moment here with our children in how to handle these situations directly and not by some social media standard that some may or may not know. How to set boundaries appropriately, dealing with family in social situations, etc. There's a huge disconnect between generations and social media and it's hard to navigate those waters sometimes. We as adults aren't the only ones that need to adapt to it. If you are old enough to use it the you need to be prepared to deal with all aspects of it. Telling your family members head on that you don't want them to comment even though you are allowing them to view your page is one of those things. Those are just my feelings on the subject. When you were twelve did you tell adults not to hug you in front of the school, or not say embarrassing things after your ball game? Probably not! You might have told them later you were embarrassed - maybe - and then expected them to understand. This is an old fashioned situation, not a new fangled technology problem. Any reasonable adult should be able to understand his embarrassment, apologize and move on. Yes, there are teachable moments everywhere, but this time it's not the kid needing to learn respect. It's the adult (s).
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Post by gar on Aug 18, 2015 18:34:55 GMT
In your opinion. The majority of peas do not agree with you, IMO, you can delete anything you want from *your* account for any reason or no reason at all. I delete comments I don't like from my pictures. It's called managing my account. And as multiple peas have also pointed out there were actual valid safety reasons for him deleting most of the comments. You are correct. No one here has to agree with me. Still doesn't change my mind. For safety reasons, 12 year olds shouldn't be in social media IMO. Do you think 13 year olds are much further ahead on the maturity scale? I can tell you from experience that they aren't.
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Post by agengr2004 on Aug 18, 2015 18:35:36 GMT
Yes, she was rude and immature. However, deleting innocent responses to posts because your embarrassed your aunt is posting to your page is far from mature. Having been around teenagers, deleting a comment because your aunt embarrassed you is way more mature than some of the other ways some kids would have responded. There are so many generational differences going on here. Some of us have been through this, some of are going through it and some of us aren't quiet there yet. The ages of the parents, their experiences of going through this before technology and various comfort levels with social media. These things really impact how we feel about both the behavior of the boy and aunt in question. For me personally, I am still going through it. Mine are much older, so I have already navigated the early years of facebook, twitter, instagram and now snap chat. From hard learned lessons, I know what worked for me and my family. There were boat loads of expectations that I had to change because I was actually being fairly unreasonable and because I learned from experience. Absolutely. I'll be there before I know it. I think my biggest issue right now is that the excuse is the child is 12 and fundamentally I think kids that young don't belong there.
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Post by agengr2004 on Aug 18, 2015 18:36:35 GMT
You are correct. No one here has to agree with me. Still doesn't change my mind. For safety reasons, 12 year olds shouldn't be in social media IMO. Do you think 13 year olds are much further ahead on the maturity scale? I can tell you from experience that they aren't. I think 13 is too young as well, but to each their own.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Aug 18, 2015 18:37:41 GMT
As I have said 100 times she should have stopped when he asked. But she had to ask him why he was deleting her comments he didn't offer up that information. But he did! He said he didn't like having to explain that it was his aunt commenting. THAT was his answer!
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Post by anonrefugee on Aug 18, 2015 18:41:25 GMT
In your opinion. The majority of peas do not agree with you, IMO, you can delete anything you want from *your* account for any reason or no reason at all. I delete comments I don't like from my pictures. It's called managing my account. And as multiple peas have also pointed out there were actual valid safety reasons for him deleting most of the comments. You are correct. No one here has to agree with me. Still doesn't change my mind. For safety reasons, 12 year olds shouldn't be in social media IMO. You know, I'd stay open-minded about that. It's much easier to teach your kids smart social media skills when they are younger. And much easier to monitor their accounts when they only know the big name apps. Maybe you will be more adept than the rest of us, but most of us with teens live with the expectation our kids will ALWAYS be more media and technologically savvy than we are. They must have skills to set their own boundaries and behaviors long before the "legal" ages posted on most apps. Just like other behavior, risky or not.
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Post by gar on Aug 18, 2015 18:41:41 GMT
Do you think 13 year olds are much further ahead on the maturity scale? I can tell you from experience that they aren't. I think 13 is too young as well, but to each their own. That's a different argument.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Aug 18, 2015 18:41:51 GMT
I don't have children but I have worked and been involved with enough 12 year old boys to say that that would not even occur to them, they just don't have the maturity or the social skills to do that. You're trying to force adult ways of dealing with things on to a child and it just doesn't work. This is the point though. Allowing children into more mature social settings, like Facebook and Instagram isn't doing them any favors. Of they aren't ready to handle it then they shouldn't be on it. You are missing the point here. It wasn't the 12 year old who couldn't handle it--it was the adult who lost her shit!
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