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Post by anxiousmom on Aug 18, 2015 18:44:50 GMT
Having been around teenagers, deleting a comment because your aunt embarrassed you is way more mature than some of the other ways some kids would have responded. There are so many generational differences going on here. Some of us have been through this, some of are going through it and some of us aren't quiet there yet. The ages of the parents, their experiences of going through this before technology and various comfort levels with social media. These things really impact how we feel about both the behavior of the boy and aunt in question. For me personally, I am still going through it. Mine are much older, so I have already navigated the early years of facebook, twitter, instagram and now snap chat. From hard learned lessons, I know what worked for me and my family. There were boat loads of expectations that I had to change because I was actually being fairly unreasonable and because I learned from experience. Absolutely. I'll be there before I know it. I think my biggest issue right now is that the excuse is the child is 12 and fundamentally I think kids that young don't belong there.s I don't disagree that 12 year old kids likely shouldn't have social media accounts. But. At 12, they want those accounts. And while I say this not to excuse parents who do allow them, I will say that it is better to know about the 12 year old's account on instagram rather than to not know about the one they set up and have in secret. Which a 12 year old is perfectly capable of doing without their parents knowledge. And once that kind of sneaky thing starts happening, it is hard to keep up with. So sometimes, like a 12 year old with an instagram account, it is better to dance with the devil you know. Sound like a slacker parent's answer I know, but I can tell you that by being a quiet bystander on my boy's twitter accounts, I know which kids have those two kids accounts-one that is overly watched and vetted by parents, and the one they don't know about. THAT is the circumstance you want to avoid.
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Post by bc2ca on Aug 18, 2015 18:45:47 GMT
Going back to my first post. The aunt is wrong, and the kid and mom are justified in being upset. My point is that I feel that there's a teaching moment here with our children in how to handle these situations directly and not by some social media standard that some may or may not know. How to set boundaries appropriately, dealing with family in social situations, etc. There's a huge disconnect between generations and social media and it's hard to navigate those waters sometimes. We as adults aren't the only ones that need to adapt to it. If you are old enough to use it the you need to be prepared to deal with all aspects of it. Telling your family members head on that you don't want them to comment even though you are allowing them to view your page is one of those things. Those are just my feelings on the subject. I do think there is a teaching moment and it revolves around letting your kids know they don't have to accept friend requests from relatives just to be polite. As I said in my previous post, I never friend requested any of my nieces or nephews on FB or IG. If they friend requested me, I accepted and I have been happy to have a peek into their lives.
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Post by leftturnonly on Aug 18, 2015 18:49:21 GMT
This thread makes me so glad I don't have a teenager on social media. I'll be honest here and say I find this thread strange. I get that the OP shouldn't be picking a fight over this with a 12 year old. On the other hand, I probably wouldn't be excusing that sort of behavior from my child. I wouldn't let them treat their family or younger siblings like that in a real public setting so I don't feel like I'd let them do it in a virtual one either. I have teenage cousins and a couple of close friends children on my facebook and they don't act this way. If I found out that my children were adding family members just to be rude to them, I'd have them either a.) delete all family members except for parents or b.) delete social media all together. I feel like there's a lesson here somewhere about navigating family and friends in a social setting that's being lost. But take my post with a grain of salt, I may be singing a different tune in 6 years when I'm actually in this situation. This. OP should not have crossed the boundary and messaged a nasty-gram to her nephew, but, these are the problems I have with the whole situation. Nephew is 12. Instagram rules require 13. That's on his parents. So long as a family member is not posting intentionally embarrassing things (like, "oh nephew, this reminds me of the time that you threw up after riding that coaster!"), my rule would be leave the comment. Things like "great photo" and "awesome" are not embarrassing, even if they came from an adult. I wouldn't allow a teen to diss an aunt or other relative in public like that (equivalent to me - "shut up" or walking away) so why would I allow them on social media? I agree with you. 12 years old is very young to be alone on social media. Everything is well and good until it isn't, and then suddenly somebody is mad at you over something innocent and tempers blow. Look how quickly things can escalate here, where there are only grown adults! There's a fine line between children of that age and the adults that make up their world. It's up to the adults to calmly steer the child, not the other way around, and it only helps if the adult shows the child some empathy in the process. To the OP - your nephew accepted you into his world online, which is in and of itself a big thing. THIS was his act of acknowledging you. But as is typical of his age, he wants you to quietly watch from the sidelines while he tries to get in the game. That's about as much thought as he could spare for your feelings about his posts. His main concerns right now are not about what you think. They're about trying to tell others what he thinks and learning how to do that in a socially appropriate way. It's inhibiting to spend umpteen hours in the classroom every day having everything you say or do monitored. Any sports or supervised activity is also monitored, and most likely if his parents are involved in his life, his life is pretty monitored at home as well. This is his first taste of putting his own thoughts out into the world, and he'd like to do that without the constant reminder that he is still being monitored, even though he knows he is. Maybe 12 is too young. Maybe his parents caved too early to the pressure. The fact that he quietly deleted your comments instead of publicly saying something to provoke you makes me consider that he may be mature enough after all. I don't know. That's an issue between him and his parents, and as much as you love him and feel responsible for him, this is not your issue. If you see him poking people and stirring things up online, tell his parents and/or discuss this with him personally. He's too young to fully understand without some guidance. But it is guidance he needs, not bewildering scolding from you. I doubt he had a clue what the hell he did wrong that could possibly offend you to the point that you would email him such a message.
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Post by penny on Aug 18, 2015 18:50:27 GMT
About the whole 'chance to teach children how to behave properly on social media' thing - if you're going to teach them, you better make sure YOU know how it works...
That means everything from the settings and what the app does, to the different hows and whys it's used, and certainly what the social expectations/etiquette is...
You didn't know that a relative commenting is different than a friend commenting... Can a relative be a friend? Sure, but I doubt she's hanging at the bike park with him - she's in the family dinner/holidays group...
You also didn't know that deleting a comment isn't considered rude on social media... It's not the same thing a interrupting or hushing someone... It's the equivalent of someone putting a note on your fridge - if you don't like it, you take it down... You don't have to explain why... Why don't you have to explain? Because it's your fridge and anyone seeing your fridge can see the note...
BTW, that's also why you don't ask/post other people's information... The front of the fridge can be seen by others... If you have something personal or important to ask/say, you use an appropriate means like private message, text, phone call...
And about him being 'alone' on social media - how do we know this? Perhaps his parents monitor his usage... Unless it runs in the family, I doubt they post "good job not posting anything offensive today, son"...
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,376
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Aug 18, 2015 18:50:29 GMT
Glad to see so many folks siding with the kid in this case.
My cousin & I navigated this topic when she was younger. We have the kind of relationship where when I did comment on something she preferred me not to, she sent me a very polite pm. I deleted the comment. Any concerns I had re: content (I was doing a lot of the social media monitoring for awhile because Mom worked nights and Dad doesn't understand social media at all), I dealt with privately - and yes, I had parental permission to DM her and tell her if something was inappropriate.
Boys, too, are different than girls, broadly speaking. I think for all the concerns we have about girls not wanting to assert themselves because they don't want to hurt people, a lot more of them are emotionally intelligent enough now to now how to set boundaries respectfully. Not all, but more than when I was that age.
Heck I've had my SIL delete comments from me & her mom on FB. At first I was a bit hurt and then I realized what we wrote gave away that they were coming out to visit, and she likely didn't want everyone knowing that, as it was a short trip so there wouldn't be time for visiting a lot of friends. Best to just not have them find out you're coming so as not to be in the awkward spot of turning down invites.
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Post by agengr2004 on Aug 18, 2015 18:54:07 GMT
You are correct. No one here has to agree with me. Still doesn't change my mind. For safety reasons, 12 year olds shouldn't be in social media IMO. You know, I'd stay open-minded about that. It's much easier to teach your kids smart social media skills when they are younger. And much easier to monitor their accounts when they only know the big name apps. Maybe you will be more adept than the rest of us, but most of us with teens live with the expectation our kids will ALWAYS be more media and technologically savvy than we are. They must have skills to set their own boundaries and behaviors long before the "legal" ages posted on most apps. Just like other behavior, risky or not. As I've stated previously, I'm sure all this will change when I'm in the thick of it. This has been a fascinating discussion (or pile on, however you choose to look at it) but now my "itch" has been scratched and I'm back to the Big Brother thread.
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Post by bc2ca on Aug 18, 2015 18:55:48 GMT
Absolutely. I'll be there before I know it. I think my biggest issue right now is that the excuse is the child is 12 and fundamentally I think kids that young don't belong there. I don't think most are finding a problem with the nephew's behavior here or excusing him because he is 12, except that is likely the reason he accepted his aunt's friend request. I doubt he would have accepted the request if he were a little older and more mature. My 18 year old is very selective over who she allows on her IG and I'm pretty sure no aunts or uncles have made the cut. FTR, in general, I do have a big problem with kids under 13 having FB, IG, twitter, etc., accounts.
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Post by agengr2004 on Aug 18, 2015 18:56:03 GMT
Glad to see so many folks siding with the kid in this case. My cousin & I navigated this topic when she was younger. We have the kind of relationship where when I did comment on something she preferred me not to, she sent me a very polite pm. I deleted the comment. Any concerns I had re: content (I was doing a lot of the social media monitoring for awhile because Mom worked nights and Dad doesn't understand social media at all), I dealt with privately - and yes, I had parental permission to DM her and tell her if something was inappropriate. Boys, too, are different than girls, broadly speaking. I think for all the concerns we have about girls not wanting to assert themselves because they don't want to hurt people, a lot more of them are emotionally intelligent enough now to now how to set boundaries respectfully. Not all, but more than when I was that age. Heck I've had my SIL delete comments from me & her mom on FB. At first I was a bit hurt and then I realized what we wrote gave away that they were coming out to visit, and she likely didn't want everyone knowing that, as it was a short trip so there wouldn't be time for visiting a lot of friends. Best to just not have them find out you're coming so as not to be in the awkward spot of turning down invites. THIS!
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Post by chlerbie on Aug 18, 2015 18:56:18 GMT
I think you're in the wrong. If you knew you were embarrassing him, why would you continue posting?
I'm friends with my niece/nephews on social media and I asked them well in advance, letting them know that I wouldn't be hurt either way in what they wanted me to do--comment or not, tag them in photos, etc. I think you need to respect HIM and his wishes.
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Post by gar on Aug 18, 2015 19:02:52 GMT
Absolutely. I'll be there before I know it. I think my biggest issue right now is that the excuse is the child is 12 and fundamentally I think kids that young don't belong there.s I don't disagree that 12 year old kids likely shouldn't have social media accounts. But. At 12, they want those accounts. And while I say this not to excuse parents who do allow them, I will say that it is better to know about the 12 year old's account on instagram rather than to not know about the one they set up and have in secret. Which a 12 year old is perfectly capable of doing without their parents knowledge. And once that kind of sneaky thing starts happening, it is hard to keep up with.
So sometimes, like a 12 year old with an instagram account, it is better to dance with the devil you know. Sound like a slacker parent's answer I know, but I can tell you that by being a quiet bystander on my boy's twitter accounts, I know which kids have those two kids accounts-one that is overly watched and vetted by parents, and the one they don't know about. THAT is the circumstance you want to avoid. 100 times this.
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JustTricia
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,829
Location: Indianapolis
Jul 2, 2014 17:12:39 GMT
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Post by JustTricia on Aug 18, 2015 19:15:20 GMT
This thread makes me so glad I don't have a teenager on social media. I'll be honest here and say I find this thread strange. I get that the OP shouldn't be picking a fight over this with a 12 year old. On the other hand, I probably wouldn't be excusing that sort of behavior from my child. I wouldn't let them treat their family or younger siblings like that in a real public setting so I don't feel like I'd let them do it in a virtual one either. I have teenage cousins and a couple of close friends children on my facebook and they don't act this way. If I found out that my children were adding family members just to be rude to them, I'd have them either a.) delete all family members except for parents or b.) delete social media all together. I feel like there's a lesson here somewhere about navigating family and friends in a social setting that's being lost. But take my post with a grain of salt, I may be singing a different tune in 6 years when I'm actually in this situation. This. OP should not have crossed the boundary and messaged a nasty-gram to her nephew, but, these are the problems I have with the whole situation. Nephew is 12. Instagram rules require 13. That's on his parents. So long as a family member is not posting intentionally embarrassing things (like, "oh nephew, this reminds me of the time that you threw up after riding that coaster!"), my rule would be leave the comment. Things like "great photo" and "awesome" are not embarrassing, even if they came from an adult. I wouldn't allow a teen to diss an aunt or other relative in public like that (equivalent to me - "shut up" or walking away) so why would I allow them on social media? I'm responding before reading the rest of the thread, so I apologize if this has been brought up before. You state you wouldn't allow your child to behave like this in person, why would you allow it on social media. So, a relative makes a comment in person to your child that embarrasses them. IT DOES NOT MATTER THE COMMENT, doesn't matter whether you think it's embarrassing, what matters is the feeling of the child. If your child tells the relative, hey, what you said embarrasses me and said relative continues to say those things over and over, you expect your child to just put up with it? My brother in law is the king of this. He says stuff that he knows is embarrassing to his own daughter in front of other people, she tells him it's embarrassing, he does it even more because he thinks it's stupid for her to be embarrassed by it. Because he's an adult in the situation, he can continue to do this and her feelings don't matter at all?
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Post by chlerbie on Aug 18, 2015 19:20:14 GMT
agengr, I don't get why YOU aren't getting that he DID tell her. And she persisted. I'm sure my nephews would have never started the conversation with me about social media if I hadn't initiated it (and for the record, they're fine with me commenting, but I still keep it to a minimum level.) She noticed him deleting comments, asked him why and he told her. What more did he need to do? And you have no idea if he's on social media "alone". His parents might keep it on a very monitored level and he's obviously telling her about what's going on with his aunt.
My 20 year old nephew, who knows I love photos, knew I just got an Instagram for the first time, and although I didn't request him, he wrote to me beforehand to tell me that he wanted me to follow him, but that he has other family members he does not and why and then told me to request him. But he's TWENTY. I wouldn't expect a 12 year old to ever have to do that, and then to still think he should have done MORE than tell her when she asked, is ridiculous. Should he have sent it in writing? I think you're really digging your heels in about this when it's pretty clear.
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Post by knit.pea on Aug 18, 2015 19:22:14 GMT
In my experience, parents are more willing to let their kids have an Instagram account ... the "gateway drug" ... before allowing them on FB.
I, too, think 12 and even 13 is too young for all this crap. Seriously, do a Search on Instagram and you will be shocked at the pictures that come up.
This is the world they navigate.
Deleting a comment isn't rude in my book. He handled it fine.
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Dalai Mama
Drama Llama
La Pea Boheme
Posts: 6,985
Jun 26, 2014 0:31:31 GMT
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Post by Dalai Mama on Aug 18, 2015 19:32:34 GMT
Okay, I'm starting to feel a bit yucky about my part in this thread.
I just wanted to take a second and say that, while I don't agree with how *christine* handled this particular situation, I still think she's a fabulous pea and I really hope that she's not feeling too beaten up right now, and if she does (if you're reading this), I apologise for my part in that.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 1, 2024 17:36:45 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2015 19:35:39 GMT
Being embarrassed is fine. A quick note to her when you started deleting her comments asking her not to comment because it's embarrassing to explain to your friends why your aunt is commenting on your photo would have avoided a whole mess. i'm sorry but this is way beyond the expectations of a 12 year old you expect a 12 year old to have the confidence to confront a grown adult about moderating her behavior? surely you can't be serious when you look at many threads on this board, its from adults who can't even navigate this kind of conversation yet you expect a 12 year old to have nutted it all out
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Post by gritzi on Aug 18, 2015 19:36:39 GMT
You will likely find that teens/young adults don't *do* FB anymore. Why? "too many older people (parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles) are on FB". Teens especially are now on Twitter & Instagram plus others.
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Post by leftturnonly on Aug 18, 2015 19:50:34 GMT
Okay, I'm starting to feel a bit yucky about my part in this thread.
I just wanted to take a second and say that, while I don't agree with how *christine* handled this particular situation, I still think she's a fabulous pea and I really hope that she's not feeling too beaten up right now, and if she does (if you're reading this), I apologise for my part in that. I like *christine* too.
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Post by whopea on Aug 18, 2015 19:52:44 GMT
This. OP should not have crossed the boundary and messaged a nasty-gram to her nephew, but, these are the problems I have with the whole situation. Nephew is 12. Instagram rules require 13. That's on his parents. So long as a family member is not posting intentionally embarrassing things (like, "oh nephew, this reminds me of the time that you threw up after riding that coaster!"), my rule would be leave the comment. Things like "great photo" and "awesome" are not embarrassing, even if they came from an adult. I wouldn't allow a teen to diss an aunt or other relative in public like that (equivalent to me - "shut up" or walking away) so why would I allow them on social media? I'm responding before reading the rest of the thread, so I apologize if this has been brought up before. You state you wouldn't allow your child to behave like this in person, why would you allow it on social media. So, a relative makes a comment in person to your child that embarrasses them. IT DOES NOT MATTER THE COMMENT, doesn't matter whether you think it's embarrassing, what matters is the feeling of the child. If your child tells the relative, hey, what you said embarrasses me and said relative continues to say those things over and over, you expect your child to just put up with it? My brother in law is the king of this. He says stuff that he knows is embarrassing to his own daughter in front of other people, she tells him it's embarrassing, he does it even more because he thinks it's stupid for her to be embarrassed by it. Because he's an adult in the situation, he can continue to do this and her feelings don't matter at all? Oh c'mon. I said intentionally embarrassing your child, someone else's child or anyone else is never acceptable. I did state I wouldn't allow my child to act that way in person and I would equate it to a child turning his back on a family member if the family member said "I really like your hair!" An honest, true compliment (great photo! awesome!) is not embarrassing in public or on social media. Unlike facebook, most people I know that have instagram accounts don't even go by their full names, but some anonymous name. How would his friends know it's his aunt anyways?
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JustTricia
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,829
Location: Indianapolis
Jul 2, 2014 17:12:39 GMT
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Post by JustTricia on Aug 18, 2015 20:06:00 GMT
I'm responding before reading the rest of the thread, so I apologize if this has been brought up before. You state you wouldn't allow your child to behave like this in person, why would you allow it on social media. So, a relative makes a comment in person to your child that embarrasses them. IT DOES NOT MATTER THE COMMENT, doesn't matter whether you think it's embarrassing, what matters is the feeling of the child. If your child tells the relative, hey, what you said embarrasses me and said relative continues to say those things over and over, you expect your child to just put up with it? My brother in law is the king of this. He says stuff that he knows is embarrassing to his own daughter in front of other people, she tells him it's embarrassing, he does it even more because he thinks it's stupid for her to be embarrassed by it. Because he's an adult in the situation, he can continue to do this and her feelings don't matter at all? Oh c'mon. I said intentionally embarrassing your child, someone else's child or anyone else is never acceptable. I did state I wouldn't allow my child to act that way in person and I would equate it to a child turning his back on a family member if the family member said "I really like your hair!" An honest, true compliment (great photo! awesome!) is not embarrassing in public or on social media. Unlike facebook, most people I know that have instagram accounts don't even go by their full names, but some anonymous name. How would his friends know it's his aunt anyways? *You* may not find those types of comments embarrassing. Silly to get embarrassed by, yes, but he was still embarrassed by them. I get uncomfortable when I get compliments. It embarrasses me, depending on the place and time. You, general you, may think it's a stupid thing to be embarrassed by. Hell, I think it's a ridiculously stupid thing to be embarrassed by, but I still am. I'll turn beet red and people will then comment on that, sometimes then turning it into a "why are you embarrassed, I said something nice, learn to take a compliment" conversation, all the while I turn more and more red and start to sweat. A friend at work gave me a Wonder Woman figure because she said her cuffs are what I would use to deflect compliments. Other people thrive on compliments. Doesn't make them wrong, doesn't make me wrong. Everyone gets embarrassed by different things. He stated it embarrassed him. Because someone else thinks it's stupid to be embarrassed about he should have to put up with it? Edited to add ~ you said intentionally embarrassing. You've NEVER had someone say anything to you that embarrassed you and after questioning the person they meant absolutely no ill will behind it, yet it still embarrassed you? If you told that person and they still continued to say that same thing, you don't think they're now in the wrong?
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Post by anonrefugee on Aug 18, 2015 20:12:57 GMT
You will likely find that teens/young adults don't *do* FB anymore. Why? "too many older people (parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles) are on FB". Teens especially are now on Twitter & Instagram plus others. Good point! My kids keep their Facebook accounts now for dealing with the establishment. School news, course study groups, team updates, etc But I have friends with Tweens and young teens and those kids still start with FB.
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Post by bc2ca on Aug 18, 2015 20:18:12 GMT
In my experience, parents are more willing to let their kids have an Instagram account ... the "gateway drug" ... before allowing them on FB. I, too, think 12 and even 13 is too young for all this crap. Seriously, do a Search on Instagram and you will be shocked at the pictures that come up. This is the world they navigate. Deleting a comment isn't rude in my book. He handled it fine. My kids have been the opposite. They started with FB where they friended almost anyone (family, friends, friends of friends, etc.) that asked and migrated to IG for more private photo sharing and are very restrictive as to who gets access. I'm not sure IG was around or used as much 5 years ago though. FB is definitely seen by the older teens as momland and DD uses it only for group events/messaging (all done privately).
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Post by leftturnonly on Aug 18, 2015 20:22:59 GMT
Best thing to do with social media and pre-teen/teens is to pretend like it is a window that you watch the kids through. Every once in a while you can wave at them from the other side of the glass, but if you open the window and shout out "whooo hooo honey! What are you doing? Where are you going? Who are you going with?" be prepared for the teen scorn. This pretty much is what I hope *christine* gets from this thread.
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Post by gritzi on Aug 19, 2015 2:44:47 GMT
Last year we discovered quickly how to use Twitter after the high school coaches relayed messages, cancelled or changed practice dates/times and other info. Thankfully they're using a more parent-friendly method this year!
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