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Post by AngieandSnoopy on Dec 20, 2019 4:07:43 GMT
No, I've done my time with late DH's parents. The stress with them nearly killed me but I think the stress DID kill my late DH 3 years after they died. Fortunately, they didn't kill our marriage. He was an only child.
My current DH, is the oldest of 5. I won't be taking care of someone who snubs me and treats my DH the way she does. We live about an hour away and as far as I know, she hasn't been in our town in years.
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Post by mikklynn on Dec 20, 2019 13:03:28 GMT
My mil lived with us for a few months. Never again. Fil? Oh, hells no. My mom says if she gets to the point of needing a caretaker (her word), she's gonna drive off in her Subaru into the sunset. I truly think she'd do it, and go out in a blaze of glory somehow. My dad said he'd rob the bank in their small town, then stand in the street pretending he couldn't find his car. He said the jail can pay for his care! |
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Post by needtime2scrap on Dec 20, 2019 14:46:19 GMT
That would be a hard no to my mom who has a multitude of issues and being around her for more than a few hours is tiring (depending on her day). Definitely a no to my mil who comes with the extra baggage of my deadbeat bil, the one who has uncontrolled diabetes, an amputated leg and bullies his mom into paying for everything. We will not support her financially either because the money goes to him. We do help her with other stuff that he can't take advantage of. Now my dad we could possibly, if we had a separate living space on our property. Him and my husband are best friends and he's super independent.
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Post by librarylady on Dec 20, 2019 18:21:30 GMT
MIL lived with us for about 6 months years ago.
It was bearable. They were in financial trouble and she could get a job here, but not in the rural area where she lived. She was out of our house during the day, and went home on the weekends. DH worked noghts then, so we had our alone time.
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Post by scrappintoee on Dec 29, 2019 1:04:07 GMT
I've purposely NOT commented on this thread, but have enjoyed reading it. My Dad moved in with us in late September. Before I vent..... On a POSITIVE note, my Dad is a nice, sometimes fun, sometimes very FUNNY person---there's no drama or horribleness, it's just SO HARD having him here!!!  I am freaking EXHAUSTED, ANGRY, FRUSTRATED, and a million other negative emotions! My DH is a SUCH a good guy---and he doesn't GET why this is SO HARD for me! The thing I HATE HATE HATE is that because of my DAD moving in, ---it IS affecting our marriage !!! Sometimes I lose my temper and snap at Dad, which makes DH mad. Ugh, it is a freaking NIGHTMARE !!!! Several times, I've talked with DH that we NEED to get an apartment for Dad nearby, so we can still help him, but I am slowly losing my mind having him here. I am MORE than happy to help him with ANYthing----the problem is, he gets ANGRY that he needs so much help. I would also get him the safety alarms I got him for his last apartment that he was totally happy in and didn't want to leave!!!! BUT, he kept having falls, and we didn't feel he was safe alone. Damn, I'd even be willing to go see him every day AND have him over for dinner a few times a week---I just CANNOT handle him being in my face 24/7 anymore !!!!!! I keep hearing about other family members whose parents PLANNED (and SAVED!) to stay in Assisted Living facilities as to not burden their children. Wellll.....our Dad never planned or saved, so..... Sheesh, my sis-in-law's 94-year-old Dad lives in complete LUXURY where he has a gorgeous apartment, meals, friends, etc. She said his aparment is bigger than her 2,000 sq foot house! And IF the need ever arises, he can have nurses helping, he can go to long term/ acute care, annnnd, they even offer hospice. My brother-in-law says the same thing about his 89-year-old Mom's facility, and even though he has a BEAUTIFUL house and pool, he says he's actually "JEALOUS" of the assisted living where his Mom lives (which also has a pool, which she LOVES!) Okay, he's joking a bit, but not only do I WISH my Dad had planned for this, it also bugs me that he will NOT make any friends---which he NEEDS!!!! He's always been very social and he has many lifetime friends, but they're in DC !!! Ugh! I also only recently realized, his closest friends are YOUNGER than him....he's afraid if he makes friends at a senior center, they'll all just sit around and talk about their health, etc. He also feels that he is too sophisticated and educated to sit around and play checkers and other events at senior centers. Oh, and he's also NOT wanting to socialize with Reublicans and/or racists, and he ASSUMES most people here are! I've told him we will try and find him a club/ center to hang out / exercise in that has some democrats and NON-racists !!!! |
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Post by scrappintoee on Dec 29, 2019 1:09:42 GMT
I forgot to sayyy......I OBVIOUSLY need a support group and/or some counseling for this!!! I feel very STUCK and I HATE it! I also feel GUILTY because I DO care, I'm HAPPY to help, and I love him dearly! But he is SOOO annoying sometimes!!!!! I HATE it when I'm in my study late at night, nice an quiet, and alllll of a sudden, I hear the kitchen cupboards SLAM, the microwave door SLAM, etc!!! Annnd, he alwaysss wants to make polite chit-chat, which I can NOT do for much longer !!!!! I am a very kind person (usually---LOL!) but this has worn me OUT! I jussst want my old quiet, happy life back with DH, which I also feel guilty about. I'm afraid I'm just a selfish baby! |
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Post by mikklynn on Dec 29, 2019 2:04:40 GMT
scrappintoee You are not selfish. You are amazing. But, all caregivers need a break. Do you have any siblings that could take him 1 weekend every month? Is there an adult day program he could go to a day or 2 per week? You need some sort of respite.
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ashley
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Post by ashley on Dec 29, 2019 2:05:14 GMT
HARD NO.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Dec 29, 2019 3:56:57 GMT
I'm feeling very sorry for myself tonight. My mom died earlier this month and her brother is coming to live with us next week. There is nowhere else for him to go. I had to give up my scrap space to make a bedroom for him. I'm moving my stuff back into the closet sized room I used before I moved into our sunroom (soon to be uncle's bedroom). I bought Ikea stuff so that I would have lots of nice storage for my stuff. Now I have to downsize drastically. I've moved in my big Kallax and my two Alex drawers and now figured out there is no way my desk will fit. I'm going to have to destash a lot of stuff, which actually isn't a bad thing. I'm just frustrated that I can't fit my damn desk in the room. This is one of those times that having an old house with radiators is really inconvenient because of the space they take up. And I'm unhappy about being back upstairs isolated with no AC, so no summer scrapping in my room. This is not where I expected to be at this point and I just hope it all goes okay once he's here.
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Post by freecharlie on Dec 29, 2019 4:12:21 GMT
Shirt term-yes, but I would probably be gone a lot.
Long term or with medical needs? No. We live too far from medical facilities (25-30 minutes to a hospital and longer if you have to call an ambulance) and their doctors would be a similar distace
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Post by Jennifer C on Dec 29, 2019 4:12:45 GMT
My Dad does live with us. It can be hard, he has very early pre dementia.
My Dad thinks sometimes that because he's the Dad, his way is the only way. Nope.
He gets along great with my dh and dd but is always butting heads with my ds15.
My Mom would never move in with me. She says that it's just not going to happen. She has made plans with her brother to live in a really nice assisted living place when the time comes. If not, she's moving with my brother who has said he would make her a tiny house on his property.
My IL's are both passed. My Step MIL lives with her ds and Step FIL has remarried.
Jennifer
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Post by callmenutz on Dec 29, 2019 4:49:06 GMT
When my parents were older and still healthy, my Mom told us never to take them in to live with us. She said it wasn’t fair to our marriage. She was such a wonderful, wise woman. God I miss her! ❤️😢
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Post by 950nancy on Dec 29, 2019 4:49:46 GMT
My husband had three siblings. Somewhere along the line, they discussed having his mom go to a different place every three months. I told him those three months I would be in a hotel.
My grandma had lupus and severe arthritis. She lived with us for almost ten years. I loved it. I am sure it was hard on my parents.
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Post by scrappintoee on Dec 29, 2019 6:27:14 GMT
My dad said he'd rob the bank in their small town, then stand in the street pretending he couldn't find his car. He said the jail can pay for his care! OMG, that is almost EXACTLY what my Mom would say !!! The only difference from your Dad was that she said she'd rob a jewelry store......Gee, great plan, Mom! She actually ended up dying at the young age of 54, due to severe alcoholism. But if she had lived longer, she had NO IDEA how she would have survived financially. They were divorced long before she died, and my Dad totally supported her/us kids, but she knew that wouldn't last forever. Ugh, why can't I have had normal parents who PLANNED and saved! In his younger years, Dad made enough that he could have put aside a LARGE $um for his future. |
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Post by scrappintoee on Dec 29, 2019 6:37:40 GMT
lisacharlotte ......I am SO sorry about losing your Mom. And, now your uncle HAS to move in---that sounds verrry stressful and I'm sending you pre-stress (( hugs ))! Just like you, my wonderful scrapbook room has been taken over with soooo much stuff and DH and I are exhausted doing a million other things to deal with it all....yet! Our lovely guest room is now my Dad's room. I have felt sorry for myself and DH, too! Oh, that room was SOOO pretty! Annnd, I am so SOOO tired of gently asking my Dad to PLEASE, PLEASE bring all his food -related trash (AND dirty dishes, glasses, and mugs !!!) to the kitchen!!!
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Post by scrappintoee on Dec 29, 2019 6:45:14 GMT
No, I've done my time with late DH's parents. The stress with them nearly killed me but I think the stress DID kill my late DH 3 years after they died. Fortunately, they didn't kill our marriage I'm so very sorry you and your DH went through all of that, AND that the stress may have killed him!!!  My DH is handling this very well (MUCH better than me!), and---he genuinely likes my Dad and they have some great conversations! But I still worry that deep down, it is stressing him out, because DH also has had to help ME a lot lately (broken bones, horrible arthritis), ANNND our precious doggies ALSO require a lot of physical care, and I HATE that I can no longer help him with walking/ lifting/ pottying the doggies at ALL !!!! The ONLY thing DH gets mad at ME about is when I snap at my Dad! It is a horrible cycle we're in, so I am trying TRYING not to let my Dad "push my buttons"...but...OMG, he can be soo annoying! Even DH is starting to get tired of his overrrlllllly long, drawn out stories that we've heard a MILLION times!!! It's even WORSE after Dad's had a few glasses of wine....ugh!  |
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Post by kraft4fun on Dec 29, 2019 6:59:06 GMT
My mom lived with us her last 12 years. She moved in when our oldest was a year old, after watching her live on her own for that year there was no way we could let it continue. Mom was only 42 (dd was 1) when mom was diagnosed with Crones disease. Mom was unable to work and took years for disability to be approved. Mom was 55 when she passed and it was very hard to get through. We didn't always get along, but it was great having her with us.
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Post by stargazer on Dec 29, 2019 11:34:49 GMT
I forgot to sayyy......I OBVIOUSLY need a support group and/or some counseling for this!!! I feel very STUCK and I HATE it! I also feel GUILTY because I DO care, I'm HAPPY to help, and I love him dearly! But he is SOOO annoying sometimes!!!!! I HATE it when I'm in my study late at night, nice an quiet, and alllll of a sudden, I hear the kitchen cupboards SLAM, the microwave door SLAM, etc!!! Annnd, he alwaysss wants to make polite chit-chat, which I can NOT do for much longer !!!!! I am a very kind person (usually---LOL!) but this has worn me OUT! I jussst want my old quiet, happy life back with DH, which I also feel guilty about. I'm afraid I'm just a selfish baby! I really, really understand where you’re coming from. Good job for being honest with how it’s affecting you even though “society” might not like to hear it. The polite chit/chat comment really took me back. When my mum was still living here she would literally sit at the front door waiting to talk to me as soon as I got in from work. I’m a teacher. I talk all day & have people that need me all day. When I get in I need just a little bit of quiet. I understood that she was pleased to see me, wanting a change of company from my dad etc but it would drive me insane. Also, there were times when I wanted/needed to do housework or whatever but I just couldn’t face the conversation that would have to go with it. I spent time in the holidays hiding in my room like a teenager instead of a 40 year old wife & mother of 2. I felt selfish too but that was how it was. It’s easier now it’s just my dad here (mum is in full time nursing care). And to all those people who say things like “you’ll miss it when they’re gone”, she’s not capable of much conversation these days but that doesn’t make me miss the days when I couldn’t even get into my house in peace. I just want you to know that I hear you, I get you, you’re a good person. |
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Post by christine58 on Dec 29, 2019 13:56:04 GMT
scrappintoeeCheck out your county's Office of the Aging. I know here there are support groups for care takers PLEASE find one!!
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Post by christine58 on Dec 29, 2019 14:09:03 GMT
My dad has a health issue/crisis going on and because they live next door to me (I built a home next to them on family land) I am there a lot lately. He just got out of the hospital on Christmas Day after being there 8 days. Because he is so weak, he is fearful of falling and wants me there to help get him in and out of bed etc. He's afraid he will fall on my mom. BUT he is steadier than he thinks--just fearful. We have a lot of family close by who will and can help out when needed. So at this point, they will stay in their home and we will hire help if needed.
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artbabe
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Post by artbabe on Dec 29, 2019 14:12:23 GMT
My dad is 80. He lives in the same condo development as me, just a third of a mile down the road. It is a large condo development.
His mind is very sharp but he can't feel much from the knees down so walking is difficult. He can still drive. I don't know how but I ride with him every couple of weeks and he drives just fine. He loves cars and has two pretty unusual cars. We both know that won't last forever. He does like Uber so we have that going for us.
Our condo's have a lot of stairs so I know at some point he will have to get a one story home or get an assisted living place. I would have very little problem living with him but it would involve selling both of our condos and I really don't want to do that.
I see him almost every day. He is cranky and very right wing so I just don't talk politics with him. He gets really depressed around the holidays and sometimes the negativity is hard to take. Overall, though, we get along great. He is very clean so I'd have to clean up my act. I can see how living with him would wear on me but he is my best friend and put up with me when I was a terrible teen, so I'll do it. We'll have to see how his health goes, though. I think he'd rather live in assisted living than have me do everything for him. He has saved up a lot of money and has longterm care insurance so I'm hoping the financial strain won't be too much.
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Post by sawwhet on Dec 29, 2019 14:26:23 GMT
All of our parents are deceased. They only one that I would have considered taking was MIL, she was nice and easy going. My father was an awesome guy but old school Catholic which we are not so there is no way I could live with his judgements. FIL was a bit of a jerk so, hard no. My mother was probably a narcissist and could be mean as hell, so NO.
When my mother was dying, many of my older aunts were appalled that I didn't take her in. We decided on a hospice where she stayed for her final 6 months. Honestly, she was not a nice women, especially to me. I went to visit her every, single day until she died to see her to the finish line but dang, it was hard. She was mean and vicious until she couldn't talk anymore. I'd just smile and nod.
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Post by scrappintoee on Dec 29, 2019 17:21:43 GMT
I forgot to mention something very important before alllll of my rantings!!! He moved in a few DAYS after I had fallen and broken my arm. Annnd, more recently, I broke my rib. I have been home wayyyyy more than usual, so that is (obviously) a factor! FINALLY, I can drive again, so I will NOT be home as much!  I just couldn’t face the conversation that would have to go with it. I spent time in the holidays hiding in my room like a teenager instead of a 40 year old wife & mother of 2. I felt selfish too but that was how it was. OMG, I actually DO THAT sometimes !!!!!  It's kind of funny, so DH and I kinda make a "joke" out of it ( I have a good sense of humor, and I NEED to laugh about this sometimes!) Several times, I've seen Dad heading towards the kitchen at the same time I want to go in, but I just wait and HIDE in whatever room I'm in, too !!! In the past, when he visited, I'd be just getting in from work, too, and after working 12-14 hours, I NEEDED to decompress, take a shower, etc. before I could be sociable. I have to give him credit, though---many, many times, he DID let me have time alone before we chatted. He's also a verrrry independent person in general, and happy to be alone---it's just SOMEtimes that his pleasant chatter requirements bother me. Aside from the chit-chat, annnd slamming cupboards, sighing heavily because he can't find something, muttering under his breath because he WONT ASK US FOR HELP !!!, and if we step in to help, he gets ANNOYED !!! Annnd, my absolute worst---the way he SLAMS the microwave! I have put HUGE notes on the door, and I have asked him MANY, MANY times to close it gently!!!! When my mother was dying, many of my older aunts were appalled that I didn't take her in. We decided on a hospice where she stayed for her final 6 months. Honestly, she was not a nice women, especially to me. I went to visit her every, single day until she died to see her to the finish line but dang, it was hard. She was mean and vicious until she couldn't talk anymore. I'd just smile and nod. I'm very sorry you had to go through that!!!!! People's obliviousness AMAZES me sometimes!!! Did your aunts not SEE that your Mom treated you HORRIBLY? Why on EARTH would they be APPALLED that you didn't take her in? Seriously, do you think they were in complete denial about how mean she was to you? |
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Post by scrappintoee on Dec 29, 2019 17:24:21 GMT
Check out your county's Office of the Aging. I know here there are support groups for care takers PLEASE find one!! I will !!! I also already found some online, but in this case....I want/ need to talk with actual people! I like that the online groups talk about the GUILT we feel when we're MAD at our parent(s)! I have DEFINITELY had a lot of guilt for being so terribly ANGRY at him....I mean, I DO love my Dad a lot and we have the same sense of humor and USED TO laugh a LOT !!! I have ALWAYS helped him with so many things----it's the 24-7 "being in my face" that is getting to me. |
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Post by 950nancy on Dec 29, 2019 17:29:06 GMT
My mom lived with us her last 12 years. She moved in when our oldest was a year old, after watching her live on her own for that year there was no way we could let it continue. Mom was only 42 (dd was 1) when mom was diagnosed with Crones disease. Mom was unable to work and took years for disability to be approved. Mom was 55 when she passed and it was very hard to get through. We didn't always get along, but it was great having her with us. This sounds a lot like my grandma's situation with my mom. My grandma had arthritis so bad she had to use a walker and rarely left the house. She was 63 when she passed. |
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sweetpeasmom
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Post by sweetpeasmom on Dec 29, 2019 17:54:32 GMT
My fil has lived with us since 2009. When he first moved in, he lived in the basement. It wasn't finished out but dh and fil fashioned some walls with beadboard and some insallation. He didn't have his own bathroom and would come up and use the downstairs one. For the first year or so, he would eat dinners with us. Then we moved into another house. Same thing, he lived in the basement. Still wasn't finished out. In both cases, he had a fridge, microwave and hotplate.
We moved into this house and it was the model home at one point. The sales center was a detached garage. So they converted it into an in-law apartment type place. It has a living area, full bathroom, and a kitchen area. There is an upstairs loft area that he uses for storage.
It works for our family. Even when he lived in the basement, he kept to himself. The kids would go down and visit with him. Sometimes I go days without seeing him.
My dream is to be able to build a home on land with 2 in-law cottages on either side (way on either side). One for fil but also one for my mom. She currently lives with and takes care of my 93 yo grandmother. When she passes, she'll be able to stay there but I would love her to be closer (she is 45 mins away right now).
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2019 18:26:14 GMT
So many interesting stories here. 5 years ago, my mother was to the point that she needed care. She had no financial plans for her care & my sister is married to a difficult man. I was trying to figure out what to do when my dear sweet DH said bring her home. Even though we have a really small house, he said we will take care of her. So we did. For the last 6 months of her life. He was so kind to her. In the end, she took a bad fall on a Saturday while he was home & I was at the store. She never really recovered from that fall & she died in our home with me beside her, 10 days later. My DH says he still feels badly that she fell when he was home. Even though it was not his fault. His mother is 80 & quite active & healthy. But when her time comes to need care, I’ll be there just as my DH was for my mother. I’m quoting myself because I want to add to my story. It was HARD having my mother live with us. Her health issues were overwhelming to me. Thankfully, she had an RN come by 2x a week to check up on her & a physical therapist came by a couple of days a week that was such a great guy, I really believe he extended her life a few weeks. When I had to bring mom home to live with me, I also had just begun to provide daycare for my then 3 month old grandbaby. Which I was so happy to do. Some days were good & I was glad my mom got to enjoy the baby a little. But some days were a nightmare with her falls & incontenance & blood pressure & blood sugar issues. And sometimes, I just wanted to watch tv with my DH. But mom would not go in her room to watch tv, she stayed in the den with us. I really needed a break from her by 8 pm. I’m sending a hug to each of you that are caretakers. I know it’s hard & I dread the time when my MIL will need more help. But I’ll be there for her. DH & I have long term care ins so hopefully we will never have to live with our kids. I’m also sending a hug to those of you who say no. Sometimes setting that boundary is the best thing. |
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Post by mrssmith on Dec 29, 2019 18:31:01 GMT
DH and I were talking about this last night. We now know of two couples who have divorced just this year after having a parent move in with them. We have another set of friends who are in the brink of splitting up and both blame it on his Mom moving in with them 3 years ago. I always assumed we would help out if either of our parents needed to move in with us. DH said he doesn’t want that to happen. He would be glad to contribute financially to have them close by and visit everyday but doesn’t want anybody in our house full time. Have you discussed this with your spouse and/or your parents? What are your plans? My parents are making their own plans. My dad and aunt live together (long story) and it's a disaster but neither will move. We've tried. It will take a massive emergency for them to actually agree to it. I wouldn't want either living with me. My mom and stepdad live nearby anyway and have the resources to manage themselves. I would be able to visit every day as would my sister. I know for some people it's the only and most economical option. My grandfather lived with my aunt for a long time, but when he got sick it was really hard for her. |
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Post by sawwhet on Dec 29, 2019 19:07:23 GMT
When my mother was dying, many of my older aunts were appalled that I didn't take her in. We decided on a hospice where she stayed for her final 6 months. Honestly, she was not a nice women, especially to me. I went to visit her every, single day until she died to see her to the finish line but dang, it was hard. She was mean and vicious until she couldn't talk anymore. I'd just smile and nod. I'm very sorry you had to go through that!!!!! People's obliviousness AMAZES me sometimes!!! Did your aunts not SEE that your Mom treated you HORRIBLY? Why on EARTH would they be APPALLED that you didn't take her in? Seriously, do you think they were in complete denial about how mean she was to you? Narcissistic people often hide their behaviour from others. My mother was syrupy sweet at times. Always well behaved at events. It was in the home where she "shined". I was usually her target. My sibling hung the moon and could do no wrong. I understand it better now but at the time, it was hard. |
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Post by Crack-a-lackin on Dec 29, 2019 19:25:33 GMT
Check out your county's Office of the Aging. I know here there are support groups for care takers PLEASE find one!! I will !!! I also already found some online, but in this case....I want/ need to talk with actual people! I like that the online groups talk about the GUILT we feel when we're MAD at our parent(s)! I have DEFINITELY had a lot of guilt for being so terribly ANGRY at him....I mean, I DO love my Dad a lot and we have the same sense of humor and USED TO laugh a LOT !!! I have ALWAYS helped him with so many things----it's the 24-7 "being in my face" that is getting to me. The guilt is the worst. My mom lived with us for about 6 months, then I would visit her several times a week when she went to assisted living. I knew I didn’t have much time with her and I would kick myself for days whenever I lost my patience and snapped at her. But it is HARD living with them and watching them lose their independence, then in my mom’s case, her mind. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this but glad you’re venting here. |
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My DH is handling this very well (MUCH better than me!), and---he genuinely likes my Dad and they have some great conversations! But I still worry that deep down, it is stressing him out, because DH also has had to help ME a lot lately (broken bones, horrible arthritis), ANNND our precious doggies ALSO require a lot of physical care, and I HATE that I can no longer help him with walking/ lifting/ pottying the doggies at ALL !!!! 
It's kind of funny, so DH and I kinda make a "joke" out of it ( I have a good sense of humor, and I NEED to laugh about this sometimes!) Several times, I've seen Dad heading towards the kitchen at the same time I want to go in, but I just wait and HIDE in whatever room I'm in, too !!! 
