Would you let your parent or in-law move in with you?

We did it for a while, we quickly found a nearby apartment.

We live in a small house. Maybe it’s easier when you have more room or an in law apartment or something. We felt like there was added pressure on many aspects of our lives, too much togetherness at times, a bit of expectation to be “on” more than we normally do. I felt under a microscope at times.

My DH is an only child. We live in MN and his mom lives in NYC. She has many friends there and I don't see her being happy anywhere else. But my DH thinks that she should come and live here now. Not necessarily with us at this point, but I do see him wanting her to live with us if she needed to. I am not sure how we will handle it if/when she does get sick and/or really old. I think being away from her support group would be devastating to her. I also don't know that having her live with us would be good for our relationship. She can be very stressful. I could handle having my mom live with us, at least how her personality is now. Who knows what it would be like with a parent that was very ill or in cognitive decline.

My MIL refuses to put her mom in a nursing home (although she does have home care and goes to a day program). She has had severe Altzheimer's for years. There are times when MIL says that she wants to kill herself because of the stress of taking care of her mom and her husband who has had three or four strokes. As a parent, I would not want my child to feel like that and would tell them to put me in a home.

Absolutely not. I'd be fine with contributing financially so MIL (our only remaining parent between us) could live nearby and we could check on her, but no way is any other adult living in my house.

Fortunately, DH totally agrees.

My MIL lived with us for 4 months. I loved her and we got along very well. We knew it was temporary. She moved to be closer to us when we were having our first baby and she was waiting for her apartment to be ready.

I don't think I could do it again especially in a care giver role.

My mom lives in assisted living and due to the level of care she needs it was never an option to move in with us.

I also know 2 women who had their elderly infirm inlaws (one mil, one fil) move in with tem and they are getting divorced. In one case I am not sure exactly why. In the other the husband expected nothing to change in his world while the wife was expected to do everything and everything to do with mil. HSe finally grew a backbone and said enough.

nooooo.  wouldn't happen.   (my mom wouldn't do it, anyway, and my DH doesn't have a relationship with his parents.)  If we had kids, I would never do that to my kids, either.  I would move to an assisted living facility and not burden my children with becoming my caregiver.

I've known two couples so far who had a parent move in, and in both cases the couples came very close to divorcing afterwards.  Caregiving for an elderly parent changes the entire dynamic of the relationship and can be a huuuge burden on the couple, in terms of time, finances, caregiving, etc.. 

ETA:  I am youngest; even at 50 years old, my mom still treats me like I'm 12 years old, and visiting for a few days is the most I can handle of that attitude.  I love my mom, but there is no way I want to feel like a 'kid' all the time if she actually lived with us.  No thank you. 

No, I would not be up to living with either my dad or my in-laws.

My mother - no never( thankfully we didn’t have to ) but no I could not live with her & stay sane. Nor could I responsibly subject my children to her.
My father -absolutely anytime I wish he lived long enough to do so 💜
My FIL - maybe when I was married but I’m divorced now so no. That would be weird since Ex won’t do it now.
My MIL - no, no way, Ex won’t do it either. Equally as bad as living with my mother but for different reasons - or maybe not exactly that different.

I made this crystal clear to Ex long ago before we were married. Though I’m the most soft hearted and most likely to take in people temporarily ( I have a relative with me on & off now ) but permanently moving in an older person who will eventually need care is different than letting a relative stay 6-8 weeks. Having cared for elderly parents ( in their home ) I know that it is different but so many people do not. In addition some people’s out look & attitude can do an about face with age or illness and that can be shocking. It’s very depressing, exasperating and exhausting to care for someone who was once a vibrant, positive person who has completely changed. In some ways it’s more painful than performing the same care tasks out of obligation only for someone who was always a difficult person. If they were always difficult your not expecting sunshine & roses. But when an illness changes the person you used to know the painful behavior is a shock to your system each & every time.

Not a chance - for either my dad or DH parents.

I did live with my mom while she was dying to help take care of her. But no, no one is coming to live with us.

My grandmother lived with us off and on in our small house when I was a kid, and it was not a great situation. Her relationship with my mother in many ways reverted.

Anyhow, I would divorce my husband before letting either of his parents move in. They have poor boundaries. Fortunately, they can afford live-in help if they ever need it. I could not live with my father. My mother would be a closer call, but my husband and I have agreed we’d get her a nearby apartment and help if needed.

Never, no way. Best way to ruin your life.

Yeah, that. 

Dh and I have a great marriage. But there is not a chance in hell his parents are moving in and me staying. 

We would consider it, but for anyone making the decision it would definitely have layers and layers of reasoning and/or conditions.

Such as...

If our parents would have needed medical beyond what we could do, we’d opt not to have them live here.

If they were toxic, negative, alcoholic, childhood issues ( abuses, controlling, etc) we’d say no, but we’d likely contribute financially if needed.

If we didn’t have the room/if we had to significantly upend our family we might opt not to but again make financial contributions.

Only if we had a fully contained in-law suite for them. I've seen that scenario work really well.

I could live with my parents easier than MIL, because we all recognize our need to have quiet time and can happily be in the same room for hours without talking (usually reading, doing a crossword or puzzle), but I still wouldn't do it. It's a moot question for us now as mom is in full-time care and dad in a nice senior housing residence.

MIL exhausts both of us. We can get through a few weeks visit, but there is no way we would survive her moving in with us. It would be a race to see who leaves first.

Not unless my mother quits smoking for good.