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Post by smasonnc on May 29, 2020 11:51:56 GMT
My MIL, who was a total PITA, nattered on for years about not wanting to go to “a home”, expecting us (me) to take care of her. I told my husband he could have one woman living in the house. Glad he picked me.  She ended up in assisted living and loved it. |
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QueenoftheSloths
Drama Llama
Member Since January 2004, 2,698 forum posts PeaNut Number: 122614 PeaBoard Title: StuckOnPeas
Posts: 5,955 
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Post by QueenoftheSloths on May 29, 2020 11:53:19 GMT
If your parent(s) have no one that will take them in and they can't afford assisted living, what do they do? It is sometimes SO HARD having my Dad live with us, but there is no other choice. BIL is in assisted living. He had to sell his house and basically have no assets, he's on Medical Assisitance and it is paid for through that, I believe. I don't know the details, other than that he lived in the family home all these years, and then it was sold and DH and the other siblings got nothing for their share of an inheritance from their parents. I don't know what state you are in, but try searching for state paid assisted living in your state and maybe you could find some help. BIL is also a veteran, but I don't know if that was a factor. |
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Post by Really Red on May 29, 2020 15:09:10 GMT
If your parent(s) have no one that will take them in and they can't afford assisted living, what do they do? It is sometimes SO HARD having my Dad live with us, but there is no other choice. Oh no! I thought you got your dad an apartment back in January? I don't know what state you're in, but I'd talk to the elderly care services in your state. In my state of VA, we have great services for our elderly, but you have to ask. There used to be Adult Day Care, where you'd drop off your elderly parent for the day. It was a dream for many people. I am so very sorry you have had to go through the pandemic with an angry person  |
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Post by tentoes on May 29, 2020 15:45:09 GMT
I met with two ladies yesterday--a mother and daughter. The mother lives in a MIL suite at the daughter's home. I am going to be living with my son's family soon. They met with me and my ddil to give us tips to living together. We had a very nice lunch. The children that live in the family wrote notes to give their perspective. They were great. The kids loved having grandma live with them. There were some problems, to begin with--but they kept the lines of communication open. The husband has met with my son to give him pointers too. We may be able to avoid some pitfalls because of their generous sharing with us. I will let you guys know how it's going when it happens. I'm not moving for several months yet. We are still in the planning stages--and I am currently getting rid of stuff so I don't move a bunch of stuff I won't use. I think you will create a successful situation, living with your son. You have a separate suite and it sounds like you are all willing to work at it. Meeting with others who have done it is a great idea. I am now living with my son's family. I've been here a couple of months now. From my point of view, I think it is going well. I think because I do my own living area, and can retreat there whenever I want helps a lot. I do spend a lot of time in my area, but feel just as comfortable out with the family. The kids seem to enjoy my presence. Two of the children take piano lessons, and when they are finished with their practice session in the mornings, then they can do what they want until lunch--well, one of them will come into my area and ask if they can practice in my room (I have a piano in here too!) That way, the two can practice at the same time, and get things done quicker. I enjoy hearing them play, so it's a blessing for me!
I wanted to pay "rent" but they won't hear of it. I will be looking for was of contributing in different areas--just haven't figured out where yet. When things open up, I plan to take them all out to dinner--I do buy pizza's sometimes here--and they pick them up. I try to help with daily chores, and with meal prep. I do my own laundry, and cleaning my own area. I babysit when they have to go out to the store and things like that. I do pay for a streaming tv channel for the kids--curiosity stream. They love it.
I haven't been anywhere since the shutdown started, but as soon as it lifts, I will probably travel a bit. I have daughters to visit, so that will give my son's family time to regroup and have some time together without me. I plan to make this work, and so far, it seems to be going well. We haven't killed each other yet anyhow!
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Post by mikklynn on May 30, 2020 13:18:56 GMT
tentoes I am so happy it is working out. It sounds wonderful!
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zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
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Post by zella on May 30, 2020 19:10:03 GMT
Oh hell no!
Both dads are dead so it's just the mothers. MIL has mild to moderate dementia. She would probably drive me bonkers. It'd be hard for me to agree to this considering she was incredibly mean to my daughters and once told me to get out of my own home. But hubby wouldn't ask for her to be here anyway.
As for my mother. Hahahahahaha! She's so rich (tens of millions) she'd never need it. If something bizarre happened and she DID ask, I'd tell her no. She's kicked me out multiple times. Karma's a bitch. I hate her and plan to never speak to her again so that's a hard no.
In general I think it's a bad idea. Clearly it's very hard on a marriage. Many cultures work this way, where the adult child lives with and cares for the elderly parents, but that doesn't work well in our culture.
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Post by ntsf on May 30, 2020 19:57:30 GMT
my dad lives independently.. and has long care term insurance.. he never wants to move in with a kid.. no one would move with us.. we have 37 stairs from street to bedroom and our house is small. my mother in law is 93, lives alone in her house. independent. and we have a stasch of investments that could be tapped if she needed it. both parents drive, shop, cook, etc. my mother in law has a couple renting an apartment in her garage and they would do anything for her. we are lucky and will never be put in this situation.
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Post by wezee on May 30, 2020 20:29:45 GMT
sure! My in laws moved into our house for a year while their house was being built. Honestly it was wonderful. FIL was an early riser so he loved making breakfast for the kids. The whole works every day. MIL and I cooked dinner she was an awesome cook! I learned so much from her. Believe it or not neither of them had never eaten Mexican food. So the first time was a real experience for them LOL She called them TAC-koes. They loved it so we made them often. Each week we would try to make a new dish. Some were a hit some were not LOL They loved seeing the kids Christmas morning. The kids made them stockings, they cherished the rock,the car freshener and the metal cookie cutters that were in their stockings lol. The kids really got to know them, I'm grateful that we had that experience. I really lucked out My MIL made me feel like I was the best mom ever. Sadly my MIL passed 3 years later. Miss her every day.
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Post by gorgeouskid on May 30, 2020 21:54:45 GMT
My mom? No. I love her very much, but we have maybe a 72 hour tolerance on visits.
His mom? She stays with us every few months for a couple of weeks. It's kind of tough just because our house is very small, not because I don't want to share space with her. If she had her own living space, it would be much easier.
I did have to chuckle, one time, my MIL heard that my father (NOT a good person at all) was losing his sight and asked me when he was going to move in with us. She was horrified when I told her he'd never be invited to live with us (not that he would accept).
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Post by Darcy Collins on May 30, 2020 22:31:05 GMT
My inlaws stayed with us during my fil's cancer treatment as we were close to a NIH hospital offering treatment he could not obtain in his home state. It was 9 months or so. My MIL also stayed with us for several months after my FIL died. It was fine. I think if you're lucky enough to have family members who are mostly respectful of boundaries - you can make it work. I would have my family here, but the stairs would be a non-starter. We'd have to make some major modifications to make it workable for any length of time. Enough space for some privacy can also make a huge difference.
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Post by pelirroja on May 31, 2020 11:07:45 GMT
No freaking way. Enough said.
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pancakes
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,002
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Post by pancakes on May 31, 2020 12:09:02 GMT
Yes, out of love, duty, and necessity. Would I enjoy it? Probably not 95% of the time 😂
We would just give them one of our Airbnbs (both are full apartments; one is our basement walkout and the other is a second floor unit next door) and hope that they can babysit in return.
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Post by sweetshabbyroses on May 31, 2020 12:20:40 GMT
My MIL is currently "spends the night with us". What that means is she leaves every morning (she can still drive) to go home and feed her cats and putter around the house. When the hubs and I and his mom talked it was to arrive around 5 or 5:30 and go home around 8:00. I'm not enjoying it but it's tolerable. I retreat to my bedroom where I have my own television, couch and bathroom. My husband sits with her at night. Saturday night is spent watching the Gaithers, the Grand Ole Opry........you know, the stuff that comes on the RFD channel...........his mom....
he can watch TV with her. The two most annoying things for me..............she follows me around the house when I'm doing stuff wanting to know
if she can help............I want her to just sit down and let me alone..........and two, the grandchildren are here a lot...........she tries to discipline
and I mean the old way.......such as........."if you don't eat all your supper and you can't go outside and play (We don't make them clean their plate) and she's hard of hearing and won't wear hearing aids so we care constantly shouting..............when she is watching TV alone, she puts the volume on 86!!!!!!!!! You have to repeat everything and she is also in early stages of dementia.............she will ask you the same question three times in five minutes and you have to shout the answer every time. I'm trying to make it work for my husband but it's difficult. Oh...let
me tell you this story. She doesn't remember how to set the alarm on the clock so she asked me to wake her up at 7:00 one morning because she had an 8:00 appointment for a "wave". I assured her I would. At five the next morning there is a knock on my bedroom door, she's telling me she is leaving for her appointment. I replied that it was 5:00 in the morning. She says "are you sure" then she heads out the back door. I hear the car door slam and then she coming back in the door to tell me "you are right, I went and looked at my phone" (she leave it in the car)
Then she says, "I'll just go sit in the family room for a while"..................needless to say, I couldn't go back to sleep...............geesh.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by luvnlifelady on May 31, 2020 12:50:42 GMT
It wasn't a parent or in-law but we had my sister lives with us for 6 years. It definitely contributed to the downfall of my marriage. I would think long and hard about it if presented with that situation again. There would be rules in effect and I would try to make sure they had an outside life. My sister literally only left for groceries and doctors appts. It was bad. We now no longer speak.
My SIL has her parents with them and it seems to working out from what I know. She also has 3 minor children. Her mom is pretty frail but her dad is still working.
As for us, our fathers are no longer living and I would be shocked if he would ask if his mom could come here. My mom is 84 and still in her home and my brother lives with her with other siblings nearby. Therefore, I don't see the need for her to live with me but I would consider it if needed.
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,402
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on May 31, 2020 19:47:04 GMT
Hell no.
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moodyblue
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,264
Location: Western Illinois
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on May 31, 2020 20:42:51 GMT
My MIL is currently "spends the night with us". What that means is she leaves every morning (she can still drive) to go home and feed her cats and putter around the house. When the hubs and I and his mom talked it was to arrive around 5 or 5:30 and go home around 8:00. I'm not enjoying it but it's tolerable. I retreat to my bedroom where I have my own television, couch and bathroom. My husband sits with her at night. Saturday night is spent watching the Gaithers, the Grand Ole Opry........you know, the stuff that comes on the RFD channel...........his mom.... he can watch TV with her. The two most annoying things for me..............she follows me around the house when I'm doing stuff wanting to know if she can help............I want her to just sit down and let me alone..........and two, the grandchildren are here a lot...........she tries to discipline and I mean the old way.......such as........."if you don't eat all your supper and you can't go outside and play (We don't make them clean their plate) and she's hard of hearing and won't wear hearing aids so we care constantly shouting..............when she is watching TV alone, she puts the volume on 86!!!!!!!!! You have to repeat everything and she is also in early stages of dementia.............she will ask you the same question three times in five minutes and you have to shout the answer every time. I'm trying to make it work for my husband but it's difficult. Oh...let me tell you this story. She doesn't remember how to set the alarm on the clock so she asked me to wake her up at 7:00 one morning because she had an 8:00 appointment for a "wave". I assured her I would. At five the next morning there is a knock on my bedroom door, she's telling me she is leaving for her appointment. I replied that it was 5:00 in the morning. She says "are you sure" then she heads out the back door. I hear the car door slam and then she coming back in the door to tell me "you are right, I went and looked at my phone" (she leave it in the car) Then she says, "I'll just go sit in the family room for a while"..................needless to say, I couldn't go back to sleep...............geesh. Honestly? It makes me nervous that she is still driving. Why??? |
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Post by callmenutz on Jun 1, 2020 4:46:38 GMT
My Mom told us to never take them in when they got old because it wouldn’t be fair to our marriage. She moved to an independent living place after my Dad died and when she realized she was slipping she asked us to find an assisted living place for her. ❤️
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lesley
Drama Llama
My best friend Turriff, desperately missed.
Posts: 7,308
Location: Scotland, Scotland, Scotland
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Post by lesley on Jun 1, 2020 13:42:08 GMT
My parents are both dead, and while I might have taken my dad in, my mum would never have been invited over the door. And one of the best things about XDH and I separating is that I don’t need to worry about what will happen with his parents!
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Post by FLA SummerBaby on Jun 1, 2020 22:36:26 GMT
My mom is only one still living. She is 85 and lives in a small house less than 2 miles away. She is independent but accepts lots of help from us. Before pandemic we were there daily helping with her medications and taking her dinner. So having her live with us could be easier in some ways. When I was in college, we had her mother living with us from age 85-92. I actually asked my mom to move in with us after my dad died 16 years ago but she refused. She wants to stay in her own little house as long as she can.
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Post by beaglemom on Jun 1, 2020 23:39:31 GMT
I probably answered this the first time this thread came around...but I'll answer again.
NO.
My parents could live in a home on the same property. My mom is a very good cleaner and I have 4 kids, my house would never be clean enough for her and it would drive her nuts.
My in-laws NEVER EVER. I am doing all of their shopping right now since they are in their 70s. My mil is a condescending, judgemental, self-righteous pain in the rear. I could never ever live with them. Thankfully DH knows it and agrees. Also thankfully mil's plan is that fil will die and she will move a couple of states away to be with her favorite daughter who will take care of her. And it will destroy sil's marriage.
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Post by Zee on Jun 2, 2020 1:07:43 GMT
I would and did, but it was only for a few months while we relocated her (MIL) from IA to PA. When we moved her to GA we bought her a condo. My husband is not anxious to repeat the experience but really it was fine.
Occasionally I had to retreat to my room for personal space but she wasn't bad to live with aside from petty annoyances like not loading the dishwasher or leaving used tissues and diet Coke cans on the desk, etc.
We did enjoy having someone else to watch British TV and Hallmark channel movies with!
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kate
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,586
Location: The city that doesn't sleep
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Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
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Post by kate on Jun 2, 2020 3:44:46 GMT
My beloved ILs are both gone now. I worried for awhile that MIL would have to move in with us. I loved her dearly, and she was unfailingly loving and respectful to me, too - but we live in a city apartment with too many kids already (LOL). If anyone comes, they have to sleep on the living room couch.
If my mom ends up widowed, I fantasize about buying a 1-br apartment in our building so she's close by, but with her own space. i don't think that will happen, though. I have other siblings who live nearer to her, and NYC is really expensive.
ETA My mom does not want to live with any of us! Her mom lived with us when I was growing up, and she knows all the good and bad - even though it seems there was more good than bad.
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Post by femalebusiness on Jun 2, 2020 3:51:53 GMT
Oh hell no! Both my parents and my in-laws are all gone now and I liked them all but there is no way I would have ever had any of them move into my home.
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Post by workingclassdog on Jun 2, 2020 14:35:31 GMT
We have done it on a short term basis here and there.
When we were having our house built, we lived with my inlaws for about five months. (about four months too long) with two babies.
They lived with us for a short time (six weeks) and I can't remember why.
My dad lived with us for a few months while looking for a place to live nearby.
It was all stressful pretty much and although I wouldn't see my parents/his parents homeless I sure would do what I could in my power to get them into a place to live if need be. But they would have a place to go. Thankfully that probably wouldn't happen. My BIL is pretty well off and he has helped my inlaws out quite a bit after they lost a business/income. In fact, he might be moving them to Arizona, which is OKAY by me and DH.. lol
EDITED: OLD THREAD.. I just saw my original post and it was almost exact word for word... HA
I am so sorry scrappentoes... I should add that I would never let my dad move in with me now, as I cut the cord from him. Pretty much for his behavior towards me and my kids. I lived with his behavior since I was a kid and it took me 50 years to figure that out. As hard as it is, I just can't deal with his shit anymore. He lives in a senior place somewhere in Missouri and that is as much as I know.
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Post by mikklynn on Jun 3, 2020 11:42:01 GMT
My Mom told us to never take them in when they got old because it wouldn’t be fair to our marriage. She moved to an independent living place after my Dad died and when she realized she was slipping she asked us to find an assisted living place for her. ❤️ I want to be like your mom. I told DD to take my car keys away when it's time. |
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
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Post by luvnlifelady on Jun 3, 2020 12:29:23 GMT
When my dad retired from the Air Force back in 1974, my mom could've chosen to move back "home" (Pittsburgh area) or go to CA. She chose CA because she did not want to end up taking care of either of their mothers (plus us 5 kids). She did eventually bring her mom to live with us in CA and my dad's mom ended up in a retirement/nursing home situation near us later.
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Deleted
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Nov 2, 2024 15:25:15 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2020 14:29:03 GMT
My answer is still the same.
He pees everywhere but the toilet. On purpose! I only have one bathroom. I am not sure if he did this at the other brother’s house, or just my house. He is a pig. Well not a pug, pugs aren’t that dirty.
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Post by tyra on Jun 3, 2020 15:22:19 GMT
My mother ran a CBRF (community based residential facility) for almost 30 years. She had mentally and physically handicapped women living with her full time, 24/7. Since then, she has made me promise NEVER to have her live with me. She is aware of the stress it puts on the family.
Now my DH has already told his mom she is coming to live with us if my FIL passes first. Um. Okay.
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Post by smalltowngirlie on Jun 3, 2020 15:36:14 GMT
No for my dad or DH parents. The house we are in is very small, absolutely no privacy. I cannot imagine any of them being in our house long term and not starting to control everything and judging everything we do. There are also health concerns for all of them I would not be good at dealing with. DH mom has made it clear she does not want to go into assisted living. Not sure what her plan is when she can no longer live on her own.
I have made it very clear to my DH and DS that if/when I get to the point I cannot take care of myself, then please find a nice place for me to be taken care of. I do not expect either of them to be a long term caretaker to me.
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Post by elaine on Jun 3, 2020 15:54:38 GMT
My MIL is currently "spends the night with us". What that means is she leaves every morning (she can still drive) to go home and feed her cats and putter around the house. When the hubs and I and his mom talked it was to arrive around 5 or 5:30 and go home around 8:00. I'm not enjoying it but it's tolerable. I retreat to my bedroom where I have my own television, couch and bathroom. My husband sits with her at night. Saturday night is spent watching the Gaithers, the Grand Ole Opry........you know, the stuff that comes on the RFD channel...........his mom.... he can watch TV with her. The two most annoying things for me..............she follows me around the house when I'm doing stuff wanting to know if she can help............I want her to just sit down and let me alone..........and two, the grandchildren are here a lot...........she tries to discipline and I mean the old way.......such as........."if you don't eat all your supper and you can't go outside and play (We don't make them clean their plate) and she's hard of hearing and won't wear hearing aids so we care constantly shouting..............when she is watching TV alone, she puts the volume on 86!!!!!!!!! You have to repeat everything and she is also in early stages of dementia.............she will ask you the same question three times in five minutes and you have to shout the answer every time. I'm trying to make it work for my husband but it's difficult. Oh...let me tell you this story. She doesn't remember how to set the alarm on the clock so she asked me to wake her up at 7:00 one morning because she had an 8:00 appointment for a "wave". I assured her I would. At five the next morning there is a knock on my bedroom door, she's telling me she is leaving for her appointment. I replied that it was 5:00 in the morning. She says "are you sure" then she heads out the back door. I hear the car door slam and then she coming back in the door to tell me "you are right, I went and looked at my phone" (she leave it in the car) Then she says, "I'll just go sit in the family room for a while"..................needless to say, I couldn't go back to sleep...............geesh. Is there anyway that your husband could set up an appointment with an audiologist? She needs hearing aids. Research has shown that uncorrected hearing loss contributes to dementia. That would also help immeasurably while she is in your house with a variety of issues you’ve mentioned. Would he be willing to make it a condition of her coming over each day? Even without the dementia issues, she shouldn’t be driving if she can’t hear and her car isn’t fitted with special devices for warning her if an emergency siren is nearby. But, if she has any level of dementia, she shouldn’t be driving. I know how are that is to tackle however, so starting with hearing aids might be easier. If your husband cares about his mother’s cognitive health, he needs to insist on the hearing aids. |
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She ended up in assisted living and loved it.
