Would you let your parent or in-law move in with you?

If they needed to, yes. But we get along pretty well so as long as we all have a room to call "mine" we could deal. My parents are looking at assisted living places between my sister and I. They won't move though until my mom's mother passes. She is still living (an an assisted living home) with help from my parents. They won't leave her or move her again. It would be very disorienting to her.

I am saving and hope to be able to afford assisted living as I age. But I don't know. My daughter has said I can move in with her if I want or need to. She is more worried her dad will want to move in with her. That would be a super stressful relationship.

Neither of our set of parents would have been welcome to live in our home due to their lifelong patterns of behavior.

That said, reading what some people have written, i wonder if we all just shouldn't commit suicide when we reach age 70. After reading these posts, I truly despair of becoming a hated burden to my daughters.

One of our nephews has actually said he plans to do that right around age 70, too!  He says he does not want to be sick, miserable, and/or a burden to anyone. 

To anyone here who's dealt with a parent with a quick/ horrible/ easily set-off TEMPER, I am about to lose my mind right now, and could use some tips/ prayers/ hugs/ some type of drug that'll knock me OUT and help me forget.....LOL!!!!!  


I should clarify---he does NOT have dementia, Alzheimers, etc.....he has ALWAYS had a horrible temper !!!!!!!!!!!!!  He and my Mom had horribly LOUD, angry arguments !!!!!!  Also,  we also used to wonder why his second wife threw his belongings out of their house (several times!)  and why THEY also had horrible fights and also divorced.  I think I know why now! LOL! 




I would give ANYTHING to go to an in-person support group with people who feel like I do, but there aren't any on Friday nights !!!!  I hope HOPE some of you read this and respond!   LOL, maybe I'll see if there's a HOTLINE I can call right now, it's that bad !!!!!   My DH is seriously a GREAT guy--- BUT,  it is causing us to argue, because he thinks I am being overly sensitive.


My Dad's temper has ALWAYS been horrible, and he yells and gets FURIOUS about the smallest things.  Since he's moved in with us, he IS truly TRYing to calm down, so I give him HUGE kudos for that, I really do!  I KNOW it is not easy for an 88-year-old who's lived alone for 30 years to suddenly change his (MANY!) annoying habits in a short time (he moved in end of September).


Today was just the proverbial straw that has almost broke this (mine) camel's back.  Occasionally, he has fallen, which is the MAIN reason we moved him in with us.  But, I arranged for him to have one of those alarms in his apartment, and it worked very well----the times he fell, the paramedics were alerted and helped him get up.  (Thank God, he's never been injured---AT ALL---which is kind of miraculous!)  


In case I forgot to say this====I have 2 great siblings, but they can NOT take him, trust me, I wish they could, and/or we could switch houses like some families do. They both travel way too much and/or my sister's house has stairs, so there's no way.  In case I forgot to mention, he can not afford any type of assisted living.  For an educated lawyer, it SHOCKS DH and I that it never occurred to him to PLAN his future!!!!!!!



Aside from the alarm, I either texted or called him every. single. night.  If he didn't respond within a few hours, my sister would drive over to check on him.    It was a great system, and now that I see how terribly STRESSED OUT I am having him around 24/7, maybe we should have let him stay in his apt. a few more years....ugh!  


Going back to his TEMPER and why it's driving me CRAZY!  Today, DH and I were tending to our sweet, elderly doggie after a minor procedure at the vet.  All of a sudden, we hear a HORRIBLE, LOUD, very ANGRY yell from Dad's room, and that was with his door closed.  He is SOOO freaking LOUD !!!!!!!!!



Once DH helped me CALM DOWN from my anger, I wanted to see if he was injured. Trust me, if you could HEAR what we did, you'd think he was HORRIBLY injured !!!!!!  Nope, he gave a fake laugh and said "I spilled my milk". ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME !?   Then he made a lame comment about "working on my temper" and tried to make it "FUNNY." I let him know that I was CERTAIN he was seriously injured.  


I REFRAINED from telling him (for the millionth time!!!) that I would APPRECIATE it if he could keep his temper in check.  I've already said that to him a million times since September, and---as I said before---he really IS trying to bring it down MANY notches, so I'm appreciative!

Another seemingly "no big deal" thing that happened SOON AFTER his horrible rage thing was that I went into the kitchen and discovered chocolate cake crumbs---some were kind of big, and there were several.  As my fellow doggie lovers know...chocolate COULD kill a dog !!!!!!!!!!    Once again, I took a deeeep breath and talked to him about his spilling (it happens A LOT !!!)
But I told him that with the chocolate, it COULD be very serious, and he apologized. But then I remembered the VERY LARGE coffee spill on the floor the other day, which any of us could have slipped on.  


He apologizes and says he doesn't SEE that he spills things.  So I ask him for the MILLIONTH time if he'd go to a NEW eye doctor, because he struggles to see LOTS of things.  He gets VERY angry, reminded me that he JUST had an eye exam 4 mongths ago.  YES, I KNOW that, Dad....but I wonder if MAYBE that eye doc made a MISTAKE  Isn't it worth checking out?  THen he gets mad AGAIN, and I jussst can't !  He takes it like a PERSONAL attack or something?  OMG, and his HEARING...another SENSITIVE topic that puts him into a RAGE!!!!





But in the meantime, it is SO HARD for me to be calm when his horrible rage makes me think he's injured.  I imagine my blood pressure shot up when I heard him yell, annnd then DH gets upset with me for "letting him bother you so much."  For the past couple hours, we were DAD-FREE because he was napping, and it was SO NICE!  But now he's awake and he KNOWS I was upset earlier, truly thinking he was seriously injured, so he's trying to say "funny" things. I didn't reply and jussst wanted him to LEAVE ME ALONE !!!!!  But then he makes it worse by asking if I heard him.  ....Instead of saying what I really WANT to, I very curtly said "yes Dad, I heard you, but I'm on my computer in the middle of something", so he said "okay" and  FINALLY went away .



.I have also NICELY told him MANY, MANY times that I cannot make polite  chit chat allll day and evening, and he gets it, or so I thought !!!!  I have NOT told him how many times he's gotten on my last nerve and that my politeness is completely FAKE.     OMG, I jussst want our QUIET life back !!! I want to be able to talk to DH and not worry if Dad's around the corner, listening !!!!!!!  I seriously can't do this much longer !!!!

When my father passed away, my sister insisted that my mom move in with her. That lasted one month before she sent her packing and my mom was on my doorstep. All because my mom left crumbs on the counter. My mom lived with me for 3 years and she would still be with me if it wasn't for the fact that dh was offered a job relocation. We knew it would be too hard for her to adjust, so she found an apartment in a senior independent living community. When she did live with us, it was hard. We didn't have much privacy and it impacted our marriage. But dh and I made the best of it and knew that it was the right thing to do. She is now almost 90 and I don't know how much longer she will be able to live independently. I'm over 1,000 miles away so I'm no help. And there is no way my sister will take her in. I feel so guilty for saying this, but I hope my mom passes peacefully before we have to start making hard decisions. She will never want to live in a dependent living facility, my siblings that live in her town won't let her move in. And I live in a multi level home with no bedroom or shower on the first floor. This house wouldn't be a good fit. Plus like I said, I live 1,000 miles away.

My father is my only living parent, and he is so easy going that I would have no problem having him live with us.

My MIL, on the other hand, is a passive aggressive diva who treats my husband like he is her husband while infantilizing her own husband. I would rather be covered in honey and eaten alive by fire ants than live with this woman.

My FIL is okay, but demanding and would need help with EVERYTHING if my MIL were not around. He is really kind and easygoing, but clueless about a lot of things like paying bills and cleaning house.

The only one of our parents left is my mil and she is miserable on a good day, so no way. Fortunately, my dh would be even less likely to okay it.

OMG, so timely. Realistically none of our parents should live with us. We will be happy to help find and oversee good care, but it can't happen on a long term basis. However my mother is here for a couple days due to a problem at her apartment. It has only been a couple hours and I'm already done. She judges and interprets things in a really bizarre way. And she doesn't have any remotely normal parental responses to anything so I can't actually share things with her because I don't know how things will be interpreted and repeated down the road.It's only for a couple days...

We bought a house with an attached in-law apartment. My FIL lived with us for 15 years before he had to be moved into assisted living due to falls while we weren’t home and dementia getting worse. Even in a separate living space it was hard on our marriage. He always came first. If he could hear our kids (his grandkids) outside playing he’d complain to dh that they were too loud. DH would get on the kids. I’d fight it cuz screw that! Kids are kids it’s not like they were screaming and yelling! They were freaking playing. Many arguments over that kind of thing. We could never take family vacations because someone had to stay home and take care of him. So it always fell to me to take the kids places. DH would go Hunting or fishing on his own with friends and I’d have the responsibility of the kids and his Dad. It was just a lot. The relief I felt when we found him a place to live after he fell and broke his hip (we both worked and couldn’t be home to take care of him) was huge. DH felt the same relief. Even the kids that were moved out by then felt relief for us. It’s hard. It really is, but sometimes you just do what you gotta do.

My grandmother lived with us in a tiny home on the farm until she passed away at age 90. Many of my friends had grandmothers living with them. They helped with child care, read to us, played card and board games with us, and told us stories. I feel blessed to have had that time with her.

My dh's dad lived with us for several months. He went to day care at the seniors' home while we were at work. Lots of bumps and some stress, but overall it was a good experience for him, for our kids, and for us. After he moved into the home full time, dh still picked him up every Saturday for lunch at his favourite burger place and brought him out to the farm for the afternoon, supper, and a little TV watching.

He had anger management problems, but we found that when he was really upset the best thing was to give him a little alone time and then one of us would go into his room and just rub his shoulder. (He would curl up on the bed with his back to the world when he was upset) Just a few minutes of that kind of silent comforting was enough that when he was left alone again he would soon come out into the living room and join the family. It was easier reminding ourselves that he was not making good decisions or reasonable gut reactions b/c the information his brain was receiving was compromised (several small strokes). It is really hard to be the head of a family for decades and then suddenly have your opinion ignored and have your kids tell you what to do.

Not everyone can afford independent living or the kind of attention a family can give. I hope I don't have to be dependent on my kids and their spouses. But I also would like to hope that if I needed to live with them that we could work out a way that we could all stay sane.

Well.......that's it.

I.  AM.  DONE.


I have tried, annnnd tried, annnnnd tried.  I absolutely can NOT have my
Dad here any longer !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!          
 

He can not afford assisted living, and neither of my siblings can take him.
I've been searching for apartments for him.  We will get him the same
safety alarm system that I set up in his last apartment (the sensors can tell if he's fallen, someone calls, talks to him, and decides whether he needs paramedics, AND they call one of us to tell us---great system!).  

I will text him daily, just as we did until he moved in. We will take him
to restaurants and I will cook him all his faves to have in his new place, 
But if contiunes to live here, I'm REALLY afraid I'll have a heart
attack, stroke, and/or I'll punch a wall, etc  !!!!!!!!!! 


My DH has been WONDERFUL, and I am so thankful, but I am SO TIRED
of having to explain to him WHY I am so stressed out all. the. time.  He doesn't GET that this guy is my Dad and knows how to "push my buttons" and, the MAIN reason he HAS TO GO!!  Dad acts COMPLETELY different around DH---talking, laughing, having alllll kinds of long, intelligent conversations, etc. They have a BLAST together----so I totally understand / forgive DH for not GETTING why I am compleeeeetely at the end of my rope !!!!!


EVERY ARGUMENT DH and I have is something related to my DAD---I will NOT let him destroy my happy marriage !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 



His TEMPER!  OMG !!!****  I lived with his RAGE my entire life, and I can NOT
have it around me 24/ 7 anymore !!!!  


**This anger is NOT NEW, just WORSE!   I also think he is VERY depressed, which is making his anger WORSE !!!  I have offered to take him to a doctor, and he gets ENRAGED (irony is a bitch!).  I've also noticed since he moved in, he is deteriorating, but won't LET US help him as much as he needs. 


What I also HATE is that I've noticed that since he moved in, MY depression is now trying to come back, and it's manifesting its way in SEVERE ANGER!  I truly, truly believe these bursts of anger I'm having are going to cause me a heart attack or stroke.  

...I wonder how my Mom OR his second wife ever stood him for very long!!!  !!!!!!!!
Soooo self-centered and angers WAYYY too quickly !!!!!!  The thing I REALLY hate is that he tries to PRETEND to be sincere and/or caring, but it is so FAKE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

I met with two ladies yesterday--a mother and daughter. The mother lives in a MIL suite at the daughter's home. I am going to be living with my son's family soon. They met with me and my ddil to give us tips to living together. We had a very nice lunch. The children that live in the family wrote notes to give their perspective. They were great. The kids loved having grandma live with them. There were some problems, to begin with--but they kept the lines of communication open. The husband has met with my son to give him pointers too. We may be able to avoid some pitfalls because of their generous sharing with us. I will let you guys know how it's going when it happens. I'm not moving for several months yet. We are still in the planning stages--and I am currently getting rid of stuff so I don't move a bunch of stuff I won't use.

I think you will create a successful situation, living with your son. You have a separate suite and it sounds like you are all willing to work at it.

Meeting with others who have done it is a great idea.