Just struggling today

I'm so sorry. Sending huge HUGS your way....

Who knows what he has told his parents. Remember, he doesn’t want to look like the bad person. My ex-IL’s did the same thing. I promise you, at some point you will realize you were the adult in the situation and you will be so proud of yourself about how you handled everything. Let them be- yes it may suck, but it’s probably awkward for them. They might come around. In the mean time, kick his butt out of that bedroom and keep being true to yourself!

First: Hugs. Lots of hugs and support.

Second, some tough love: Get that cake eating, cheating, lying and manipulative piece of crap OUT OF YOUR BED. He is just living the high life with a wife that still wants him and a side piece waiting for him. No matter if you want to save your marriage or not, take back your dignity RIGHT NOW. No more victim. You want to fix it, or leave it, either way you need to put yourself first. Stop placating him. Stop making things easy for him. Call him out on the behavior. Ask your in-laws if they know he has a side piece. 

You are making this way too easy for him. You will continue to be hurt, miserable and struggling if you can't grasp some anger and use it to make things better for you. 

You deserve so much more than this. This man has told you he does not love you, that he loves someone else. Let that make you angry. Let that anger cut him off and show him what the hell he's going to be missing. 

Hugs, girl. It's time to get real. And sometimes real is really fucking shitty. But you're going to thank yourself when you come out of this looking like a strong, confident, independent woman and not a push over who allowed her pathetic cheating husband to sleep in his comfy bed and live his best life. 

I feel for you freecharlie. It's such a difficult situation full of stress and heartache

Remember, you will move past this and you can build the life of your dreams without your dh. It's not what you expected but you will have that control. Be patient. Sending you a big hug.

I will say that he is being a huge dick. Refusing to leave, and then allowing his parents to ignore you is rotten. He has no interest in being “nice.” It is painful, but necessary to let that sink in. Also the fact that you did nothing to deserve this, which makes him an even bigger dick.

Oh god, I'd be so tempted to let the other party know that he is refusing to leave my bed despite being asked.

Honour is not a strong personality trait for him is it?

Honestly, I think you can assume that in the first instance anyone related to him is going to side with him.

Is getting rid of the shared bed and buying two singles an option? don't ask, just do it if you want to do that. Ideally, he should move out, not just out of the bed but the house.

I think that was the worst for me-seeing all of my friends immediately side with him. It hurt bad.
Now, I keep a wall around myself so I don’t have to ever feel that way again. Hugs.

WTH? OK. he refuses. What a dick. SO. don't make his side of the bed. Make your's and put all the blankets and stuff on your side. In fact, I would just move his pillows out to the coach or spare bedroom. Don't do ANYthing for him. nothing. Yea, I'm petty like that. But why should you cont on like nothing has changed. Inlaws will always stand behind their child. I'm sure it's hard for them. They don't know how to act, or what to do or think. Do stuff you want to do, like someone else said, call up a friend and go to brunch! In fact, tomorrow, take your kids out to brunch. NOT him.

This is what I wanted to say too so I’m glad someone else said it first! 

And so much for him wanting to keep up appearances until your youngest graduates. Is that all out the window now? Sorry if I missed an update on that. How can it look normal for mom to not get an invite to breakfast when the rest of the family and the in-laws are all going?

I would absolutely find something else to do today, either with a friend or by myself. I wouldn’t be hanging around waiting for someone else to dictate how my day is going to go.

And there is no way in hell I would continue to sleep in the same bed with that jerk. I’d put a keyed lock on the bedroom door and lock his ass out.

ETA: I like the idea of boxing his crap up and putting it all OUTSIDE the newly key locked bedroom door. Where he chooses to go with it is his business.

What an ass. Im sorry.

I wonder how your kids are feeling seeing you left out.

You said the other person lives out of state. Has the ass said what the plan is—is he moving out of state or is she breaking up her family and moving to your state?

So sorry you're having a tough time ((hugs)). Now the hard part from someone who has BTDT. There is a book called "Crazy Time" by Abigail Trafford. Immensely helpful and an easy read. Get it. Secondly, until you really acknowledge the anger that you are hiding just below the surface, you will continue in this awful uncomfortable place that you are (temporarily) stuck in right now.

I know you still love him and want things to work out. I want those things for you, too. But in the meantime, plan and proceed as if this isn't going to work out. Find your strength (it really is there even if it doesn't feel that way right now). Get legal advice on what you can and cannot do, get a therapist to help coach you thru the emotions and experiences, and figure out what you will do with your life now that you get to call your own shots.

Soon your sadness will subside and you will become extremely pissed off. And in that weird changeover, you will discover that you are stronger and way more capable than you feel in this moment. Because this moment will not last even if it feels like forever right now.

I don't know what your future will look like. But you need to find your footing. You need to deal with the hand you've been dealt (notice I didn't say you had to like it but for now you need to accept it). Accept the things you cannot change and find the courage to change the things you can. You got this! (I promise you are stronger than you feel right now).

((Hugs)) I know this is so hard. And scary. And you will come thru this, I promise. ((hugs)) In the meantime, call a friend, go grab some coffee, and expect nothing but bs from him, his family and his friends.