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Post by freecharlie on Nov 20, 2021 16:55:37 GMT
Yeah, he needs to get out of the bedroom. Ridiculous. Do you have a spare room? Can you order another bed (w/his money)? Forget a twin, make it a nice new queen. Treat yourself. You need a private place in the house while he is still there. we have 2 extra rooms. |
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Post by SallyPA on Nov 20, 2021 16:56:39 GMT
Do the in-laws know about everything? They may think by ignoring the elephant in the room it will keep things more stable for your children. Still, how very hurtful.
I just want to say that even though he has all these plans with the supposed love of his life, it is highly unlikely that will actually all pan out like he has planned. Try not to focus on his plans to live without you and what the other lady has that you don’t, etc. It is too painful and not helpful.
Big hugs to you, the peas are here for you.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Nov 20, 2021 16:57:38 GMT
yes. He doesn't care. He has built up this story and now this wall and is just...blank. That's his way of protecting himself and his story. He's made this decision in his mind, and now he needs to stick to it, so he's doing this. BUT he can't expect you to also do that. It wasn't your decision. He needs to respect your feelings and your decisions. I would tell him that. He has made this life changing decision. now he needs to live with the consequences of it now. Not expect you to just act like nothing has changed. I get you don't want this, and you want to maybe not rock the boat, or push him further away. But has that time passed? IDK |
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Jili
Pearl Clutcher
SLPea
Posts: 4,366
Jun 26, 2014 1:26:48 GMT
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Post by Jili on Nov 20, 2021 16:57:48 GMT
Yeah, he needs to get out of the bedroom. Ridiculous. Do you have a spare room? Can you order another bed (w/his money)? Forget a twin, make it a nice new queen. Treat yourself. You need a private place in the house while he is still there. we have 2 extra rooms. Do it!! Its hard, but take charge and own your power here. Buy yourself some cozy bedding and create your sanctuary. I’d also suggest a lock, or at the very least a secure box for paperwork or anything else private. |
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Post by peasapie on Nov 20, 2021 16:58:16 GMT
Who knows what he has told his parents. Remember, he doesn’t want to look like the bad person. My ex-IL’s did the same thing. I promise you, at some point you will realize you were the adult in the situation and you will be so proud of yourself about how you handled everything. Let them be- yes it may suck, but it’s probably awkward for them. They might come around. In the mean time, kick his butt out of that bedroom and keep being true to yourself! Yes and this is one of the reasons I feel your kids should know from the get-go. He will not tell his parents or family the truth. He will not tell your children the truth. He will not tell your neighbors the truth. My husband cheated on me for several years before I was able to leave him. He lied to all the above about himself, and since I kept silent, people who didn't know me well tended to believe him. That was one of the hardest parts of all. I regret trying to protect the kids by pretending things were fine. |
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 20, 2021 16:58:35 GMT
Do the in-laws know about everything? They may think by ignoring the elephant in the room it will keep things more stable for your children. Still, how very hurtful. I just want to say that even though he has all these plans with the supposed love of his life, it is highly unlikely that will actually all pan out like he has planned. Try not to focus on his plans to live without you and what the other lady has that you don’t, etc. It is too painful and not helpful. Big hugs to you, the peas are here for you. He just told them we are on the skids. |
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Post by SallyPA on Nov 20, 2021 16:59:11 GMT
And actually, I think you should just move all his stuff to a separate room. You cannot legally kick him out completely but you absolutely can draw a line and move him to another room. If the in laws do already know, I’d do it while they are at breakfast this morning.
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AmandaA
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,502 
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Post by AmandaA on Nov 20, 2021 17:05:46 GMT
Mother trucker 🤬. I would be sure to share my side loudly and often. In the meantime, spiteful me would move your bed to one of the extra rooms and leave him an air mattress in the master. Talk about wanting to have your cake and eat it too. Sorry he is being such a jerk to you when this is all on him.
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Post by ~summer~ on Nov 20, 2021 17:23:50 GMT
That’s very rude to exclude you from breakfast - how old are your kids? I’m sure that was upsetting for them. I’m sorry.
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FurryP
Drama Llama
To pea or not to pea...
Posts: 7,284
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 19:58:26 GMT
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Post by FurryP on Nov 20, 2021 17:25:16 GMT
I'm so sorry your world has been turned upside down and that you are hurting. Some people suck.  |
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Post by ~summer~ on Nov 20, 2021 17:25:20 GMT
Eta - I just saw you have 2 extra rooms - I would turn one into my own room - paint it and buy some nice furniture and bedding. My friend did that when she was having some issues and it was absolutely the best thing for her - she loved it.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Nov 20, 2021 17:37:08 GMT
Yes! Go out today and get some nice warm flannel sheets, a nice comforter, some great candles and books, and settle in to another room. stupid dickhead men.
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Post by Skellinton on Nov 20, 2021 17:40:06 GMT
Mother trucker 🤬. I would be sure to share my side loudly and often. In the meantime, spiteful me would move your bed to one of the extra rooms and leave him an air mattress in the master. Talk about wanting to have your cake and eat it too. Sorry he is being such a jerk to you when this is all on him. No way in hell would I continue to sleep in the same bed as his cheating ass. I would absolutely take everything precious to me from the bedroom and put it in a spare room with a brand new bed or the marital bed if I couldn't buy a new one. I would also get a lock for that room as I wouldn't trust him for a second. The inlaw thing sucks, but rest assured they are only hearing his side of the story. Even if they knew the truth they won't sever ties with him, he is their child after all. It sucks that they are excluding you, but realistically, although that relationship may heal over it will never be the same. It is awful and I am sure it hurts like hell, but Surround yourself with your family and friends as best you can and try to focus on the positive. I would focus on getting a room together for yourself immediately. It is awful that he is being such a petty dick, but your sanity is worth more then getting in a power struggle with his immature and selfish ass. |
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Deleted
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Nov 24, 2024 9:01:30 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2021 17:46:43 GMT
I'm so sorry freecharlie (((hugs))) I'm glad you are having thanksgiving with your family in your house though. I would move his things to one of the spare bedrooms and put a lock on your bedroom. Might take a few days to plan so it can be done when he's not at home. I have a feeling he's going to have a very rude awakening one day when she tells him she's not joining him! |
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PLurker
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,840
Location: Behind the Cheddar Curtain
Jun 28, 2014 3:48:49 GMT
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Post by PLurker on Nov 20, 2021 17:49:20 GMT
😡🤬😡
Angry for you.
TBH also having some flashbacks from before ex finally left and was being an ass.
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Loydene
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,639
Location: Albuquerque, New Mexico
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Post by Loydene on Nov 20, 2021 18:05:49 GMT
I need his money to pay bills and such. GO GET AN ATTORNEY. Get a separation agreement pending a divorce settlement. |
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Post by hopemax on Nov 20, 2021 18:06:46 GMT
Do the in-laws know about everything? They may think by ignoring the elephant in the room it will keep things more stable for your children. Still, how very hurtful. I just want to say that even though he has all these plans with the supposed love of his life, it is highly unlikely that will actually all pan out like he has planned. Try not to focus on his plans to live without you and what the other lady has that you don’t, etc. It is too painful and not helpful. Big hugs to you, the peas are here for you. He just told them we are on the skids. I've been reading your posts, unable to give any advice because I've gone through nothing like it. But at this point in my life, despite being a non-confrontational person, and if my relationship with in-laws was generally good I would just risk the burned bridges because they are already on fire, and say something like "I don't know what he told you. I am blindsided by this. I think he's suffering severe depression. My family situation did not help [at least from my perspective I would not doubt it was a contributing factor to the timing], and I think he's struggling. If that means you don't know what to do, how to react to me and have to be seen by him as supportive of him and cut me out, fine. But this isn't just normal relationship breakup." If that's what you still believe. You don't have to let him control the narrative completely. I would not say another unprompted word about it. Or be drug into anything more if you don't believe it's out of with genuine concern for his mental well-being. If it comes up, I'd cut it off with I said what I thought was needed to be said, and that's it. But like I said, I have no experience with any of this, but in general I don't think people talk enough about contributing factors, and everyone pretends everything is all normal stuff. Good luck! |
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Post by peace on Nov 20, 2021 18:28:10 GMT
Last night, my inlaws of 20 years didn't even acknowledge my existence. I can't begin to explain how deeply that cut. And this morning I wake up to h snoring and know that my kids are going out to breakfast with all of them and I am not. He gets the life he wants and I get all these emotions and sadness and uncertainty. I'm so sorry. The early part is the hardest. It does get better, I promise. Try to focus on you. Find an author that inspires you. Or a show. Or a ted talk. Anything. There is some dust settling that occurs. I don't think he should be anywhere close to you that you hear that snoring if you aren't invited to breakfast. You don't have to keep giving. Your inlaws should behave better. ETA: I would definitely redecorate one of those spare rooms for you. Pick out what YOU love. |
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Post by Belia on Nov 20, 2021 18:30:21 GMT
I've never been in your shoes, so this may be terrible advice from a legal standpoint, but there is no way I would be able to tolerate this.
I would get a couple of your friends' husbands on board and when you have the house to yourself, I would have them move the bed and as much of the furniture as you want / need into one of the extra rooms. If you have time I would have them paint it and I would buy a new set of sheets, etc. Then I would have them install a lock on that door. That room would become my sanctuary, and he would never ever EVER be permitted inside.
DH refuses to leave the bedroom? Fine. He can have the room. The empty room. Take what you need and create your own space.
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Post by scrapmaven on Nov 20, 2021 18:31:15 GMT
You haven't yet realized how strong you are. So, let some of us be your strength until you realize that you are strong and can stand up to him.
He is a totally selfish pig. I wonder how his side piece feels about him sleeping w/you? I'd be furious if the guy I was stealing from his family was still sleeping w/his wife. Stand your ground and do your best to get him to sleep on the sofa or another room? He's really pissing me off! Hold my purse. That's saying a lot, because I really like my purses.
Do you have a regular lawyer, yet? He doesn't get to call all of the shots anymore. He is bullying you. Change it up. Don't let his threats scare you into submission. Time for you to get tough w/him. If he threatens to pull the moolah then threaten to sic a pitbull attorney on his ass. If he insults you or intimidates you then respond in kind.
He needs to be a bit scared right now. If you try to move back to the bedroom I'll text your play toy and tell her that you're sleeping w/me. I'll take a photo to prove it when you're sleeping. If you threaten me w/money one more time then I'll just remind you that a judge won't take too kindly to a man who cheats on his hardworking wife and mother of his children. Again, I'll let your homewrecker know that you won't move out of my bedroom or house. He pushes you push back. Yes, I realize that you can't physically push him out of the way, but you can stand up for yourself. While he's at breakfast I would move all of his stuff into another room, including his pillow. That sends the message that he's left the marriage and is no longer welcome in the marital bed. He won't move on his own, so you need to do this for him. Clothing, packed into boxes. Only grocery shop for you and your kids. Don't even let him use your spices. If he wants to cook or eat he's going to have to supply all of the ingredients himself. He no longer has a place in the house. The house belongs to the family that he betrayed. He has chosen to leave his family. He can go pound sand or eat sand. He's a skank.
Now, your lawyers will determine whether or not he has to move out of the house, but you can make life mighty tough for him until then in subtle ways.. Not sleeping in his own bedroom or being able to use the master bathroom will piss him off, but who cares? Aren't you pissed off? I am and I don't even know the creep.
I'm gonna remind you as many times as you need that YOU get to be in charge, too. You're still in shock. Until you realize that you can stand up for yourself and fight back then we'll be here to guide you.
If you're gonna be a bear be a grizzly one!!!!!! And for goodness sake, do NOT move out of your bedroom. It's a power play to stay there and moving out gives him the message that he's in control.
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Deleted
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Nov 24, 2024 9:01:30 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2021 19:02:43 GMT
I’m so sorry. You need to get mad. You need an attorney. He’s calling all the shots, doing things his own way and calling the shots. You need to get mad, get involved and do what you need to do.
He doesn’t get to drop this on you and then proceed with business as usual in your home.
He’s changed things. He can live with the reality of his decisions and the consequences that go with it.
Honestly, you’re not “separated” if you’re both in the same bed/room. My ex moved to the basement when we “officially” separated. (Including all his clothing, bathroom stuff…he literally moved out of the master bedroom even though we’d been sleeping separately for a long time before that)
Be a lion. An angry lion. You’re making this too easy for him. He doesn’t deserve easy.
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Post by destined2bmom on Nov 20, 2021 19:21:25 GMT
Huge hugs! I agree with scrapmaven. But first I would get sneaky and take pictures of him, while he is asleep to prove he is in bed with me. But he would probably lie to her saying that you snuck in and pretended to sleep with him. If you haven’t told the kids yet; what are they going to think about you not being at breakfast? What did they think about your in-laws ignoring you? I am the type that would be telling the in-laws and my kids the truth. He has someone else that he wants to be with and has told me that he wants a divorce. He needs to take responsibility for his actions. |
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Nov 20, 2021 19:29:51 GMT
I would probably talk to my in-laws about the situation if I had a strong relationship with them prior to this. If for nothing else to hopefully make it easier on the kids and reduce their animosity towards me. I would probably say something like “that was really hurtful that you ignored me. I’m wondering what you know about the reasons for the divorce?” And go from there. Not necessarily to create drama and rat him out, but to have a conversation about how hard all of this is for you as well as them.
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 20, 2021 19:31:19 GMT
Ugh. I want to blast it on fb. I'm not, but damn it would be nice...
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on Nov 20, 2021 19:40:42 GMT
You do NOT need to be nice for the sake of his feelings and reputation.
I would say to them "It's good to see. Despite the fact that your Son had an affair.....I still consider the two of you family".
He may be hiding and covering up the truth, but you don't have to.
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J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Nov 20, 2021 19:59:49 GMT
There is nothing in me that will understand how you can get into bed with him. Girl, no. I hear you saying you don’t want to leave your bedroom. More than you don’t want to sleep in the same bed with him?  ?? Pick the lesser of two painful things. Making a peaceful place for you in your own home should be worlds better than staying in your room and sleeping next to him while he peacefully snores. There is nothing that makes sense about that. Having said that, I am always uncomfortable with the getting angry advice. I cannot live angry. It would destroy me. I seek peace for myself, even if it’s inside a storm. I would lift my head and show a steady calm that would be unmistakable to him. He doesn’t get to see you fall apart. You have this opportunity before you move on without each other to show him how you will live your life strongly when he’s gone. Start doing it now. ETA - re: angry advice - that’s what has worked for me. I know angry helps some people and there’s nothing wrong with that, but in case you are more like me I gave another view of how to handle it. |
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Post by voltagain on Nov 20, 2021 20:07:20 GMT
Last night, my inlaws of 20 years didn't even acknowledge my existence. I can't begin to explain how deeply that cut. And this morning I wake up to h snoring and know that my kids are going out to breakfast with all of them and I am not. He gets the life he wants and I get all these emotions and sadness and uncertainty. Your silence and desire to not be "that" person means HE is getting first dibs on how to spin the story. What light to paint you and how to minimize his actions. Get angry. Speak up! Legally you can't kick him out of the house but you sure don't have to sleep in the same room/bed with him or let him control the narrative. Tell your inlaws about his girlfriend. |
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Post by Zee on Nov 20, 2021 20:07:43 GMT
You are hurting and wishing he would just change his mind and staying in the bedroom is part of that.
But it's time to look at everything realistically, which he's not doing right now.
I sure as hell would tell those in-laws the whole facts and then I'd start planning where else I could live, while consulting a lawyer since you can't just leave (won't favor you in a divorce). It's just too much for you to live like nothing is wrong.
I'd rather live in a tiny apartment than in an unhappy home. I did exactly that for a year when DH and I separated. You don't have to get crazy or vengeful but you sure are allowed to be angry and tell everyone who thinks they're going to ignore you exactly what's been going on.
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Post by voltagain on Nov 20, 2021 20:10:27 GMT
There is nothing in me that will understand how you can get into bed with him. Girl, no. I hear you saying you don’t want to leave your bedroom. More than you don’t want to sleep in the same bed with him? ?? Pick the lesser of two painful things. Making a peaceful place for you in your own home should be worlds better than staying in your room and sleeping next to him while he peacefully snores. There is nothing that makes sense about that. Having said that, I am always uncomfortable with the getting angry advice. I cannot live angry. It would destroy me. I seek peace for myself, even if it’s inside a storm. I would lift my head and show a steady calm that would be unmistakable to him. He doesn’t get to see you fall apart. You have this opportunity before you move on without each other to show him how you will live your life strongly when he’s gone. Start doing it now. She doesn't have to stay angery. But a good solid let the anger blow. The the world know what is going down can do wonders to blast out the sad action avoiding emotions. It can give drive to what needs to be done. the h is counting on her not getting publically angry. It lets him control everything to get his way. She can build a better peace when the truth has hit the fan. |
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 20, 2021 20:13:01 GMT
Two things:
Sharing a bed...we don't touch. He is on one side, I am on the other. No man's land is in between.
Re: apartment- there aren't any around here. Plus I have an electric car and need to plug in. And an apartment will cost almost as much as my mortgage.
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?? Pick the lesser of two painful things. Making a peaceful place for you in your own home should be worlds better than staying in your room and sleeping next to him while he peacefully snores. There is nothing that makes sense about that. 
