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Post by christine58 on Nov 21, 2021 21:28:45 GMT
freecharlie - how are you today? Hope you're doing better. not really. Been up since 4 trying to work things through in my head. I'm probably going to file, but I'm wondering about filing legal separation first. It allows me to stay on his health insurance until we pivot it to divorce and the seems palatable to me right now. I contacted one more lawyer to have a consult with, so that makes two more this week. Then I will pick and pay the retainer Can you get HI at your job?? |
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 21, 2021 22:46:43 GMT
not really. Been up since 4 trying to work things through in my head. I'm probably going to file, but I'm wondering about filing legal separation first. It allows me to stay on his health insurance until we pivot it to divorce and the seems palatable to me right now. I contacted one more lawyer to have a consult with, so that makes two more this week. Then I will pick and pay the retainer Can you get HI at your job?? yes, but it is subpar. Dh has the best health insurance, it really is. Just another thing I am losing. I don't feel beat up. I get what you all are saying. I love my room. I love my bed. I can barely sleep as it is and I can't imagine trying to sleep in not my room. The other two rooms are colder and I'm already the coldest one in the house. I know I am full of excuses. I am very down. I am broken hearted. I dread the future. Weekends are hard because I don't have anything to do except obsess. |
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Post by crazy4scraps on Nov 21, 2021 23:05:11 GMT
One of the first things I learned from a therapist was that the inlaws are just that. They are his family, not yours. It stung at first but later it gave me some comfort. Of course they will side with him, they pretty much have to. They actually don’t *have* to, they either chose to, or they haven’t been told the entire truth. My husbands cousins ended her first marriage due to infidelity (hers) and her parents never sided with her and cut off her x-husband. This was true with a friend of ours too. He was out working 60+ hours a week earning the money to pay their bills while she was in their bed with an 18yo bus boy from her hostessing job. He dumped her sorry cheating ass and her whole family sided with our friend. Even made it so he got to keep the house, which had been her childhood home. |
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Post by originalvanillabean on Nov 21, 2021 23:08:10 GMT
I am sorry.
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Post by mom on Nov 22, 2021 0:11:04 GMT
I am really sorry you are struggling.
Its really important you find a lawyer, asap. Do you have a friend/family member that can go with you and listen to what they say? Take them if you can and if not, take notes on what they say, do they listen to you, how you feel talking to them.
Initially my x-inlaws took my xDH side until they figured out the whole truth. They eventually came around and we have a nice relationship now. My xFIL passed away a few years ago and he asked to see me while he was in Hospice. I went and he apologize for the way they treated me. It took them awhile to accept that their son was POS. My point is, just because things are uncomfortable now doesn't mean it will always be that way. I am sure they were surprised as much as you were with your husband wanting out.
Has your xDH expressed an interest in keeping the home? Why isn't he moving out if he is no longer happy? Between that and you telling us the girlfriend is moving to town, I wonder if he is not going to be so happy to let you stay in the home. Something feels 'fishy' with the way he is handling things. Just be careful.
You mentioned wanting to call the girlfriends husband. If you do contact him, I would recommend you email or FB message them so there is a paper trail of what you say. I also think its somewhat nicer to do it that way --- they have a chance to read and absorb everything without being put on the spot. Just my two cents.
As much as you are wanting to protect your physical things (like your house and bedroom) please protect your mental health. Are you leaning on your friends and family? Now is the time to do so. You are strong and will make it through this. But its ok to lean on your support support system - even if it means going out to breakfast with them or just calling to talk to them.
Big hugs. We are here for you.
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Post by nine on Nov 22, 2021 0:17:19 GMT
It doesn’t matter what ex-ass may have told his parents. You should be treated with respect as the mother of their grandchildren. What kind of a mfsob asks for a divorce a month before Christmas? I am so sorry you’re going through this.
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Post by FuzzyMutt on Nov 22, 2021 0:50:25 GMT
I know this sounds great, but I think HE should move to another room. I am not moving. I did not do this. This is my room, my bed,my house. He can go or I will get used to it, but I will not leave my room I know you don't want to leave all that but you must! Move "your" bed to a spare room and let him figure out a sleeping arrangement. Clearly I would be a very bitter person if I was in this situation because I would have him out of the bed I was sleeping in the day he announce he didn't love me anymore. Hugs Agreed. Get literally get rid of the "the bed" and make that a symbol. Then put a small (tiny) one in one of the "spare rooms" and make that yours. My ex husband spent the last month and a half he lived in "our house" in the garage. I am not kidding. I made it my mission in life that that was his space. Every last thing he owned went out there. And when he tried to move anything back into the house, it went right back out the door into my truck and I took it to the dump. If he moved it back in, it was ours. And I was perfectly in my rights to dispose of it. I still miss the book shelf he insisted on putting his cover and keys on inside the front door. |
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Post by teach4u on Nov 22, 2021 1:29:52 GMT
Hugs to you. I truly believe this issue is solely your husband's issue and no way mean to blame you. He's at fault.
However, if you want to work things out, I think you need to let him have his freedom. By digging in an staying the bed you are reinforcing his notion that he's right. If you leave the bedroom and don't push him, he may begin to realize that he's in the wrong. I know you have reasons for not wanting to give an inch, etc, but if you really want to repair the relationship, he needs to feel that he could lose you. You say he " doesn't love you". I think he's digging the ego trip of having a wife and girlfriend that are competing. Don't compete. Live your life. Be good to yourself.
I think now is the time to play hard to get. If he wants to leave and feels like he's "stuck" or "faking" , he'll pull away more.
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Post by teach4u on Nov 22, 2021 1:32:43 GMT
Get out of the room. There is only resentment and power struggles. Intimacy is gone. This is so toxic.
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Tuttle
Junior Member
Posts: 85 
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Post by Tuttle on Nov 22, 2021 1:48:17 GMT
Hugs to you, I'm so sorry for your pain. While deciding if I wanted to become a trauma therapist I read quite often on the Surviving Infidelity site recommended to you by other posters, and do still to this day. I highly, highly encourage you to read about "The 180" as a way to protect yourself from more hurt. There are articles describing what it is and isn't, and how to practice it. After reading for years about how betrayed spouses approached their terrible pain, I can tell you the ones who took decisive action fared the best, no matter the outcome (reconciliation or divorce). Infidelity is absolutely a form of abuse and while it's hard at this point in the process to consider yourself an abused spouse there are concrete steps you can take before you go to bed tonight that will help ease your pain. Big hugs and only best wishes to you as you navigate this awful situation.
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Post by Laurie on Nov 22, 2021 1:59:33 GMT
Still have a joint account with him? Then go get a new bed for you for your new bedroom. Weekends are hard for you so spend a couple of weekends making one of the spare bedrooms your space. It will give you a distraction.
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,237
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Post by pilcas on Nov 22, 2021 2:24:07 GMT
Hugs to you. I truly believe this issue is solely your husband's issue and no way mean to blame you. He's at fault.
However, if you want to work things out, I think you need to let him have his freedom. By digging in an staying the bed you are reinforcing his notion that he's right. If you leave the bedroom and don't push him, he may begin to realize that he's in the wrong. I know you have reasons for not wanting to give an inch, etc, but if you really want to repair the relationship, he needs to feel that he could lose you. You say he " doesn't love you". I think he's digging the ego trip of having a wife and girlfriend that are competing. Don't compete. Live your life. Be good to yourself.
I think now is the time to play hard to get. If he wants to leave and feels like he's "stuck" or "faking" , he'll pull away more.
I think that after the way he is treating her there is very little motivation to renew the relationship. |
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Post by 950nancy on Nov 22, 2021 2:39:23 GMT
Still have a joint account with him? Then go get a new bed for you for your new bedroom. Weekends are hard for you so spend a couple of weekends making one of the spare bedrooms your space. It will give you a distraction. Yup, I would get the same bed (if I loved it) and mattress and move it into the other room. Get a space heater. |
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Post by ameslou on Nov 22, 2021 2:56:06 GMT
Still have a joint account with him? Then go get a new bed for you for your new bedroom. Weekends are hard for you so spend a couple of weekends making one of the spare bedrooms your space. It will give you a distraction. Yup, I would get the same bed (if I loved it) and mattress and move it into the other room. Get a space heater. Plus some beautiful linens that feel amazing, warm snuggly blankets and a candle or beautiful light that brings you pleasure. Make that room a haven. Make it a symbol of the life you will love, with or without him. Even if you have to adopt the mantra that you’re going to fake it till you make it. |
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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on Nov 22, 2021 3:07:30 GMT
I thought I read that you were hoping to keep the house in any divorce. If that is the outcome, then your relocation to another bedroom is temporary.
If that's not the outcome, you'll be leaving the bedroom anyway.
If your spouse truly does not reconciliation, you cannot force him to stay married to you, so I would start taking steps in anticipation of divorce as the end game. I know that's not what you want, but it's what you should prepare for. And if you are going to have to go through a divorce, there are going to be plenty of things to fight about, so consider whether this is really the hill you want.
I am sorry you are struggling.
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 22, 2021 3:19:28 GMT
Ugh....too much talking to him tonight. I am sure he is just trying to placate me.
He says he will move to the basement, but obviously not tonight. We have counseling on Wednesday. I have counseling after. Then I thought about filing but..
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AmeliaBloomer
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,842
Location: USA
Jun 26, 2014 5:01:45 GMT
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Post by AmeliaBloomer on Nov 22, 2021 3:32:22 GMT
Yikes, what a cruddy situation. I’m so sorry about your in-laws. Could it be they just didn’t know WHAT to say and flubbed it?
Let him move to the basement. I hope it’s cold and smells like mildew and old sports equipment…
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,878
Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Nov 22, 2021 3:45:45 GMT
Ugh....too much talking to him tonight. I am sure he is just trying to placate me. He says he will move to the basement, but obviously not tonight. We have counseling on Wednesday. I have counseling after. Then I thought about filing but.. Make sure he follows thru on the move. If he doesn’t do it himself, “help” him. You need to be strong right now and show him you mean business. Fall apart inside, cry in the shower, whatever you have to do so you can be strong in front of him. |
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Post by Skellinton on Nov 22, 2021 4:21:33 GMT
Ugh....too much talking to him tonight. I am sure he is just trying to placate me. He says he will move to the basement, but obviously not tonight. We have counseling on Wednesday. I have counseling after. Then I thought about filing but.. Make sure he follows thru on the move. If he doesn’t do it himself, “help” him. You need to be strong right now and show him you mean business. Fall apart inside, cry in the shower, whatever you have to do so you can be strong in front of him. Yes! Come vent here all you want, but be strong in front of him. If he doesn't make a move to the basement tomorrow you need to move his stuff for him. Who cares if he is trying to placate you as long as he follows through? If it is just empty words then you just need to move him out yourself or move yourself into one of the extra rooms. It is absolutely not healthy for you to be sharing a room with him. |
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rgibson
Full Member
Posts: 467
Apr 26, 2021 22:49:21 GMT
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Post by rgibson on Nov 22, 2021 4:51:46 GMT
Ugh....too much talking to him tonight. I am sure he is just trying to placate me. He says he will move to the basement, but obviously not tonight. We have counseling on Wednesday. I have counseling after. Then I thought about filing but.. Of course he is just trying to placate you. He's making himself out to be the good guy and you're the crazy wife which is why he is justified in finding someone else and moving on. I'm not sure why you had the but at the end of that last sentence. I don't want to sway you in any way, I'm just curious what has made you change your mind. And I believe that you can file for separation and withdraw it if things change, correct? I fully admit that I don't know the rules where you live, I'm basing my assumptions on what others have said here. |
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Post by Linda on Nov 22, 2021 5:00:38 GMT
They actually don’t *have* to, they either chose to, or they haven’t been told the entire truth. My husbands cousins ended her first marriage due to infidelity (hers) and her parents never sided with her and cut off her x-husband. This was true with a friend of ours too. He was out working 60+ hours a week earning the money to pay their bills while she was in their bed with an 18yo bus boy from her hostessing job. He dumped her sorry cheating ass and her whole family sided with our friend. Even made it so he got to keep the house, which had been her childhood home. my sister's ILs also - he cheated, they wrote him out of the will and wrote her and the kids in, had her and the kids over for holidays etc... |
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Post by hopemax on Nov 22, 2021 5:14:58 GMT
Ugh....too much talking to him tonight. I am sure he is just trying to placate me. He says he will move to the basement, but obviously not tonight. We have counseling on Wednesday. I have counseling after. Then I thought about filing but.. Basement is good. Talking is good, IMO. The rest, if you trust the therapist let those sessions guide you about his commitment vs placating. He has to re-earn your trust by doing his work. So you continue on the path he chose... divorce ... which means you keep working on the lawyer stuff too, UNTIL he has really earned it. Not just your hopes. REALLY earned it, and your therapist should be help you to know when that is and hopefully make sure he knows he needs to do it too. Legally married isn't the same as a committed relationship. You need the second part to make continuing the first part make sense. {{hugs}} |
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,878
Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Nov 22, 2021 18:18:20 GMT
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scrappinghappy
Pearl Clutcher
“I’m late, I’m late for a very important date. No time to say “Hello.” Goodbye. I’m late...."
Posts: 4,307
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Post by scrappinghappy on Nov 22, 2021 19:28:40 GMT
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Post by sabrinae on Nov 22, 2021 19:41:56 GMT
Didn’t you say you recently had some estate planning done? If so, call that attorney and ask if they could give you any names. Attorneys know who the fuks are and who to steer clear of…even if they’re in another field of law. Also, ask any friends if they know of a great divorce attorney. If they don’t have one they likely have a friend that had one. I got my shark from a referral from my estate planning attorney who also ended up giving me a job. My friends know what a fab attorney and my friends have told their friends. Therapy, both alone and with the dick is important, but finding a great attorney is equally important. You’re not looking out for him or making it easy on him. the estate one came through his legal insurance...something I didn't bother to get because we got it through HIS employer (this is a common theme). I'm an idiot You’re not an idiot. And you could still give them a call and ask. The legal community is generally pretty small and so referrals among different areas is pretty common. Ask friends and have them ask friends. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve had someone I know ask for referrals for themselves or someone else. It’s very common. Since he makes so much more than you, he may have to pay alimony or you can maybe negotiate him taking more or all of the debt. But, you need to protect yourself and your kids. Of nothing else look up your local bar association and ask them for a list of domestic relations attorneys and start making calls and setting up appointments for an initial consultation. |
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Post by quietgirl on Nov 22, 2021 19:50:16 GMT
Just wanted to say I'm sorry. I hope you are feeling a little better.
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Why
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,173
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Post by Why on Nov 22, 2021 19:51:24 GMT
He said he doesn't love you. Start thinking of yourself and your kids only, you owe him nothing.
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Post by workingclassdog on Nov 22, 2021 20:13:43 GMT
I'm so sorry... I remember when DH and I separated I saw an email from his mom saying that now he can find a stable wife. Even he was pretty mad at her comment. So since then our relationship has been ruined by her comment. And she probably has no idea either.... to this day I won't partake much with her.
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Post by workingclassdog on Nov 22, 2021 20:23:55 GMT
freecharlie... Please if none of the attorneys I suggested don't work.. I can certainly give you more names... You know to message me anytime!
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naby64
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,423
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Post by naby64 on Nov 22, 2021 20:24:13 GMT
Completely different issues in our marriage. But I moved out of the bedroom. From an oh so comfy king to a twin. But I have made that room a very nice comfy sanctuary. So while I understand your need/want to stay in the room you are in, a move to another room can be done. If he doesn't get to the basement then please look to another room. I am one stubborn, bitter person when it comes to certain things. When he wouldn't move, I made it known with the whys and hows. Even he acknowledges it as my room now.
I think you need to get angry and realize your worth. Stand up for you.
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