peabrain
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,588 
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Post by peabrain on Nov 22, 2021 20:55:38 GMT
I hope today was a better day for you! You deserve to be happy! Thinking of you!
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Post by scrapmaven on Nov 22, 2021 22:00:44 GMT
Just ((((HUGS)))). That's what I have to offer today. A strong shoulder and lots of hugs. If I was there you would be eating your favorite pint of Ben and Jerry and talking to me all night, so that you felt heard and taken care of. Do you have a friend who can fill that role for you?
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Post by peanutterbutter on Nov 22, 2021 22:42:39 GMT
(((Hugs)))
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Post by papersilly on Nov 22, 2021 22:43:19 GMT
i hope you are feeling better today. i hate the dynamic of divorce where there is the one who leaves and moves on and the other one is the one who is left behind. that will not be you. you are the one moving on. you will have a new and happy life without him.
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 22, 2021 22:54:52 GMT
Here's the thing...I KNOW that this is happening. I am SURE he won't change his mind. I am not sure if he is being shady behind the scenes.
We have counseling wed and then I have individual after that. He says he is trying to get an appointment for himself.
I KNOW I should file for at least a legal separation that I know is coming.
I also know that once filed, it is 91 days to that being granted. I don't want to start that clock. I want a clock that gives us a chance.
I know I am a fool and an idiot and you all see this for what it is and if I wasn't the one living it, I would be right there with you. But I also love the man I married. I love the life we have (had). I want that back and I know it isn't going to happen, but there is that tiniest sliver of hope still looming.
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Post by flanz on Nov 22, 2021 23:05:22 GMT
I just want to send you huge hugs today freecharlie. I know this is excruciatingly hard for you. I pray you and your kids don't end up screwed royally by this man who has shown you he doesn't love you. PLEASE do all of the self-protective things that have been suggested by peas who have BTDT and have shared their hard-earned wisdom. Wishing you happiness and peace, pea friend!~ |
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,878
Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Nov 22, 2021 23:06:24 GMT
Here's the thing...I KNOW that this is happening. I am SURE he won't change his mind. I am not sure if he is being shady behind the scenes. We have counseling wed and then I have individual after that. He says he is trying to get an appointment for himself. I KNOW I should file for at least a legal separation that I know is coming. I also know that once filed, it is 91 days to that being granted. I don't want to start that clock. I want a clock that gives us a chance. I know I am a fool and an idiot and you all see this for what it is and if I wasn't the one living it, I would be right there with you. But I also love the man I married. I love the life we have (had). I want that back and I know it isn't going to happen, but there is that tiniest sliver of hope still looming.You are grieving the loss of all of that. It's HARD to move past grief. No one is going to fault you for that. Is it possible that once it's filed, if things work out, you can put a halt to the filing? Honestly, I wouldn't trust ANYTHING he says. A personal story... my MIL and FIL split up 10 years ago. We should have seen the writing on the wall when she said, "We're going to be married 40 years this year. How disgusting is that? I mean 40 years with the same person. I guess we should have a big anniversary party or something. Will you guys throw us one?" I was SHOCKED by that statement and said, "I hope to be married to your son for 40 year or more! I can't even imagine saying something like that." and she laughed it off. About 2 months later, she wanted to "live life and go out dancing and and and" so she left him. VALENTINE'S DAY! Walked out. They had plans to go out to a big fancy dinner and everything. She was trying to hook up with other men while still married, FIL found the evidence on her computer. Now, MIL is MISERABLE most of the time. She got her freedom to be footloose and fancy free. She ABSOLUTELY regrets it. She has a boyfriend who she treats like a co-worker more than a spouse. My FIL found a new woman who dotes on him. They are now married and doing very well in life. He still cares that MIL is doing ok but is in a MUCH better place. I hope that you can be like my FIL and be happy in your new life and don't look back! BUT it will take time. |
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Post by scrapmaven on Nov 22, 2021 23:06:27 GMT
freecharlie , may I ask a favor? Can you please stop referring to yourself in derogatory terms? You are intelligent, funny, kind and wonderful. I have never seen any of the bad things you say about yourself. Your husband has done this to you. He was a good liar. That is why it was a blindside. If I could give you a homework assignment it would be to say one nice thing about yourself every hour on the hour. When you start to say something insulting to yourself then yell, "STOP" in your mind and immediately say something loving. It makes me so sad when you put yourself down. Please don't hate yourself for being you. You are a lovely person.
Time to treat yourself the way you would treat your very best girlfriend. If her husband had left her this way you wouldn't call her a fool. You'd help her to see all of her best qualities and you'd remind her that he was a bad husband. Treat yourself the way you would treat your bestie.
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Post by cannmom on Nov 22, 2021 23:10:07 GMT
Here's the thing...I KNOW that this is happening. I am SURE he won't change his mind. I am not sure if he is being shady behind the scenes. We have counseling wed and then I have individual after that. He says he is trying to get an appointment for himself. I KNOW I should file for at least a legal separation that I know is coming. I also know that once filed, it is 91 days to that being granted. I don't want to start that clock. I want a clock that gives us a chance. I know I am a fool and an idiot and you all see this for what it is and if I wasn't the one living it, I would be right there with you. But I also love the man I married. I love the life we have (had). I want that back and I know it isn't going to happen, but there is that tiniest sliver of hope still looming. Big hugs, I have been in your shoes and I understand your pain. My situation was almost identical to yours. It rocked me to my core and was the worst pain I have ever endured. Dh and I did reconcile. It took a lot of work, tears, talking, arguing, listening.... It was HARD. We are better than ever now, but I know that is not the outcome for everyone with this experience. I hope for you that you can find peace with your future, whatever it may hold. Take it one day, one hour, one minute, one second at a time. Do what you need to do for you and your peace. If you need someone to talk to that's been there you can peamail me. |
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Post by teach4u on Nov 22, 2021 23:26:58 GMT
No affair in our case but three months of huge stress. I didn't feel worthy, etc.
My sisters and mom got me to get help for me. I started running, dressing better (a few pieces here and there), counseling, etc. Over time (months), my husband noticed the change. I was happier, more confident, and felt my worth come back. As it did my husband and I strengthened our relationship. You need to value you and see yourself as worth keeping. You also need to project that if he leaves, he's truly losing out. He' s the one that will be worse off. It's hard to do this. But if there is a sliver of hope, confidence and self love will ignite it. Not pleading, etc.
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rgibson
Full Member
Posts: 467
Apr 26, 2021 22:49:21 GMT
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Post by rgibson on Nov 22, 2021 23:54:05 GMT
I know I am a fool and an idiot and you all see this for what it is and if I wasn't the one living it, I would be right there with you. But I also love the man I married. I love the life we have (had). I want that back and I know it isn't going to happen, but there is that tiniest sliver of hope still looming. You are not a fool or an idiot, not even close. You are woman who loves and trusted her husband. He has abused that love and trust and has left you struggling to find explanations to unanswerable questions. You are in the midst of a huge upheaval, trying to figure out which way is up and fighting a battle that you had no idea was on the horizon. Sadly, there are far too many of us here who have walked in your shoes; some were able to reconcile, others not but the one thing that seems to be a common result is that we have all discovered that we are stronger than we ever dreamed. You are too, you just don't believe it yet. Someone else mentioned The 180 from Surviving Infidelity - it really is good for you, whether you reconcile or divorce. It is definitely worth checking out. |
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Post by hopemax on Nov 22, 2021 23:58:27 GMT
Here's the thing...I KNOW that this is happening. I am SURE he won't change his mind. I am not sure if he is being shady behind the scenes. We have counseling wed and then I have individual after that. He says he is trying to get an appointment for himself. I KNOW I should file for at least a legal separation that I know is coming. I also know that once filed, it is 91 days to that being granted. I don't want to start that clock. I want a clock that gives us a chance. I know I am a fool and an idiot and you all see this for what it is and if I wasn't the one living it, I would be right there with you. But I also love the man I married. I love the life we have (had). I want that back and I know it isn't going to happen, but there is that tiniest sliver of hope still looming. What do you think realistically might change after 91 days that wouldn't start becoming apparent prior to 91 days giving you the opportunity to push pause? Are you afraid of the message it sends? That's something to work on in counseling. Filing demonstrates acceptance, it demonstrates you are taking the onus to protect yourself, but counseling also demonstrates you want to make sure other options are being explored... but without delaying the inevitable, if it is inevitable. Filing doesn't mean you are giving up. Like I said, I have no experience with this part, but I believe 91 days is the minimum amount of time, assuming no issues by either side and the paperwork is all filed promptly. On average it's longer because stuff happens. But a lawyer should be able to advise you of your options of it you want to pump the breaks. |
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Post by mom on Nov 22, 2021 23:59:56 GMT
Here's the thing...I KNOW that this is happening. I am SURE he won't change his mind. I am not sure if he is being shady behind the scenes. We have counseling wed and then I have individual after that. He says he is trying to get an appointment for himself. I KNOW I should file for at least a legal separation that I know is coming. I also know that once filed, it is 91 days to that being granted. I don't want to start that clock. I want a clock that gives us a chance. I know I am a fool and an idiot and you all see this for what it is and if I wasn't the one living it, I would be right there with you. But I also love the man I married. I love the life we have (had). I want that back and I know it isn't going to happen, but there is that tiniest sliver of hope still looming. You are not a fool. You were blind sighted and its taking you a minuet to get your bearings. You will get there. Re: whether or not he's being shady - he's already been shady. Remember? He kept you in the dark on all of this til he decided that he wanted out. You absolutely have to treat him as though he is being dishonest. Because he has. |
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inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Nov 23, 2021 0:19:23 GMT
Here's the thing...I KNOW that this is happening. I am SURE he won't change his mind. I am not sure if he is being shady behind the scenes. We have counseling wed and then I have individual after that. He says he is trying to get an appointment for himself. I KNOW I should file for at least a legal separation that I know is coming. I also know that once filed, it is 91 days to that being granted. I don't want to start that clock. I want a clock that gives us a chance. I know I am a fool and an idiot and you all see this for what it is and if I wasn't the one living it, I would be right there with you. But I also love the man I married. I love the life we have (had). I want that back and I know it isn't going to happen, but there is that tiniest sliver of hope still looming. I don’t think you're foolish. I think the rug was pulled out from beneath your life and you're still trying to catch your breath. I know you are anguished and I'm just so sad for you. No one deserves to be treated this way. |
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scrappyesq
Pearl Clutcher
You have always been a part of the heist. You're only mad now because you don't like your cut.
Posts: 4,063
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Post by scrappyesq on Nov 23, 2021 0:56:19 GMT
No one deserves to be treated the way you are being treated. My heart truly aches for you. Know that we are all here for whatever comes next because we love you and only want the best for you, whatever that may be.
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Nanner
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,987
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Post by Nanner on Nov 23, 2021 2:14:38 GMT
Just as you're starting to make plans, you must know that HE is also making HIS plans. He started making his plans before you even knew he didn't want to stay married to you, and you don't know what those plans are. All you can know is that all of them are in his best interests.
It's really important that you find that barracuda lawyer - kudos for setting up some appointments.
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Post by Tamhugh on Nov 23, 2021 2:59:51 GMT
Here's the thing...I KNOW that this is happening. I am SURE he won't change his mind. I am not sure if he is being shady behind the scenes. We have counseling wed and then I have individual after that. He says he is trying to get an appointment for himself. I KNOW I should file for at least a legal separation that I know is coming. I also know that once filed, it is 91 days to that being granted. I don't want to start that clock. I want a clock that gives us a chance. I know I am a fool and an idiot and you all see this for what it is and if I wasn't the one living it, I would be right there with you. But I also love the man I married. I love the life we have (had). I want that back and I know it isn't going to happen, but there is that tiniest sliver of hope still looming. I don't think you are being foolish. You have a family that you love and want to protect. If trying to save your marriage will help you feel like you gave your all to protect that family, then you have to do it. If it does work out, it will have been worth it. If it doesn't, you will know that unlike him, you gave it 100% and can move on with no regrets or second thoughts. Best wishes to you. Be kind to yourself. |
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Post by Merge on Nov 23, 2021 3:09:10 GMT
I don’t really have any advice - just wanted to stop in and send a virtual hug. I am so sorry you’re going through this. I know you are strong and will make it.
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sassyangel
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,456
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Post by sassyangel on Nov 23, 2021 3:32:57 GMT
You’re not a fool! At all. In fact, in the midst of your own not insignificant pain and heartbreak I still see you reaching out to others here in theirs. You’re really good people. *hugs*
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Post by SallyPA on Nov 23, 2021 5:00:00 GMT
I just wanted to check in this evening. I don’t think you’re a fool at all. You have to make the choices that YOU can live with. This is your life and your marriage. If you want to try and do counseling and see if it can be repaired, then do that!
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gramma
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,114
Location: Sacramento, Ca
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Post by gramma on Nov 23, 2021 5:19:03 GMT
Ugh....too much talking to him tonight. I am sure he is just trying to placate me. He says he will move to the basement, but obviously not tonight. We have counseling on Wednesday. I have counseling after. Then I thought about filing but.. Good, good, good. My advice ( as if you need more) is don't move out of anything. The bed, the room the house.. Make him make the moves. But protect yourself. Make a list of all the advice points you've gotten. Then put them in order of importance and mark them off as you get them done. That way you can see that you are accomplishing something. Some of the things like your own bank account and credit cards in your own name are things you should do anyway. If he hasn't told your kids, you do it. They are not stupid they know something is up. Be honest with them. I'm so sorry you are going through this |
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gramma
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,114
Location: Sacramento, Ca
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Post by gramma on Nov 23, 2021 5:26:01 GMT
Here's the thing...I KNOW that this is happening. I am SURE he won't change his mind. I am not sure if he is being shady behind the scenes. We have counseling wed and then I have individual after that. He says he is trying to get an appointment for himself. I KNOW I should file for at least a legal separation that I know is coming. I also know that once filed, it is 91 days to that being granted. I don't want to start that clock. I want a clock that gives us a chance. I know I am a fool and an idiot and you all see this for what it is and if I wasn't the one living it, I would be right there with you. But I also love the man I married. I love the life we have (had). I want that back and I know it isn't going to happen, but there is that tiniest sliver of hope still looming. Sorry for the second post. I shouldn't read up the post line instead of down. My heart hurts even more to read this. Maybe the counseling will help. Maybe you Will have the opportunity to express your feelings with an impartial person there. Maybe he will realize what he is throwing away. I hope for peace and happiness for you! |
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AmeliaBloomer
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,842
Location: USA
Jun 26, 2014 5:01:45 GMT
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Post by AmeliaBloomer on Nov 23, 2021 6:13:25 GMT
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to save your marriage. There’s also nothing wrong with getting your ducks in a row while you wait to see if that’s an option. Nobody here really knows what’s up, so don’t apologize for - or diminish - wanting what you want.
I’m sorry you’re hurting. The holiday timing - while never good - doesn’t help. Keep venting here if it helps. You have our collective ear and our collective support.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Nov 24, 2024 8:43:18 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2021 6:42:06 GMT
I am sorry to hear about everything that you are going through , it must be a huge shock.
There is so much good advice on here about protecting and standing up for yourself .
I think that if all this was happening pre - pandemic it would be clearer but it is not and I wonder if there is a possibility your husband’s actions could be a form of breakdown or burn out from working in a Hospital. I wondered if catching up with someone he knew from his past is a form of escape, going back to a time when life was easier. He has not chosen to stray with a new person from the present . I don’t know if it could be a form of coping and detaching himself from the present reality because it is too hard to deal with. The mental health toll on hospital staff must be enormous.
Whatever the reason , whether it is pandemic related or not ,it is horrible for you .
I hope the upcoming counselling might be able to get the bottom of things and distinguish what role , if any , the pandemic has had on his feelings. It is still possible with time and support that things could be worked through.
I think that the advice on here given on here from people who have experienced this themselves is very valuable and hopefully can give some hope that there will be light at the end of the tunnel , whichever way it turns out.
Hope for the best - prepare for the worst - and take care of yourself.
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Post by AussieMeg on Nov 23, 2021 6:48:55 GMT
I know I am a fool and an idiot and you all see this for what it is and if I wasn't the one living it, I would be right there with you. But I also love the man I married. I love the life we have (had). I want that back and I know it isn't going to happen, but there is that tiniest sliver of hope still looming. It's really easy to be an armchair quarterback when you're not the one going through something like this. So even though the rest of us can "see this for what it is", we are not the ones grieving a damaged marriage to a man we still love. My first wish for you is that this all works out for you and you can save your marriage. (But only because that's what you want. Me? I want to bitch slap the bastard and tell him good riddance. See? Armchair quarterbacking because it's not my life or emotions.) My back-up wish, in case the first one doesn't come true, is that you are able to quickly arrive at the point where you are happy again, and can see yourself as a fun, strong, happy, independent woman. I agree with scrapmaven....... stop putting your self down. You're amazing! |
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Post by peasapie on Nov 23, 2021 11:19:50 GMT
Maybe on some level you are still in the denial phase. I hope you get to the anger phase soon, because you will need it to protect yourself going forward. He went behind your back and let a stranger in to your relationship. That makes me angry for you.
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 23, 2021 12:46:39 GMT
I am sorry to hear about everything that you are going through , it must be a huge shock. There is so much good advice on here about protecting and standing up for yourself . I think that if all this was happening pre - pandemic it would be clearer but it is not and I wonder if there is a possibility your husband’s actions could be a form of breakdown or burn out from working in a Hospital. I wondered if catching up with someone he knew from his past is a form of escape, going back to a time when life was easier. He has not chosen to stray with a new person from the present . I don’t know if it could be a form of coping and detaching himself from the present reality because it is too hard to deal with. The mental health toll on hospital staff must be enormous. Whatever the reason , whether it is pandemic related or not ,it is horrible for you . I hope the upcoming counselling might be able to get the bottom of things and distinguish what role , if any , the pandemic has had on his feelings. It is still possible with time and support that things could be worked through. I think that the advice on here given on here from people who have experienced this themselves is very valuable and hopefully can give some hope that there will be light at the end of the tunnel , whichever way it turns out. Hope for the best - prepare for the worst - and take care of yourself. this is exactly what I think happened |
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Montannie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,486
Location: Big Sky Country
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Post by Montannie on Nov 23, 2021 15:45:12 GMT
Filing papers with a court doesn't mean you have to proceed to any final conclusion. Thousands of cases are filed each day, and thousands abandoned as well. There is no finality until you move to make it final.
Hugs to you. He's a fool.
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Post by melanell on Nov 23, 2021 16:29:39 GMT
(((hugs)))
In regards to your in-laws, I think IF you are interested in calling them, I would use the kids as your reason for doing so. Let them know that the kids love them and the kids love you and you hope that you can all continue to get along nicely together in the future, because that's important for kids of any age---even grown kids.
And then if the opportunity became available, I'd definitely make sure they knew my side of the story too. ((((hugs--again!)))
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