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Post by katlaw on Nov 20, 2021 20:17:44 GMT
Do the in-laws know about everything? They may think by ignoring the elephant in the room it will keep things more stable for your children. Still, how very hurtful. I just want to say that even though he has all these plans with the supposed love of his life, it is highly unlikely that will actually all pan out like he has planned. Try not to focus on his plans to live without you and what the other lady has that you don’t, etc. It is too painful and not helpful. Big hugs to you, the peas are here for you. He just told them we are on the skids. He may have told them you are not wanting to talk to them. I think you should call your in-laws and ask them if you can talk. When my parents separated my grandmother and mom stayed friends. My grandmother told my mom, just because you are splitting up does not mean we have to lose each other. They do not need to take sides, you can fight to keep them in your life too. |
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Post by Zee on Nov 20, 2021 20:19:02 GMT
Ok then I'd be relocating and taking DS with me. There is time until he graduates so no need to uproot his senior year necessarily, but honestly a fresh start in a different area is pretty wonderful once you get past the scary aspects and make it happen. Let HIM buy YOU out and move on.
If you need his money, you need to be planning. Go watch some Hallmark or Lifetime movies where the plucky heroine starts over in a quaint new town.
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 20, 2021 20:25:18 GMT
It all sounds like great advice, but this is MY home. It is my dream home.
We put in a gas stove Feb 2020. We have solar panels and a backup battery.
It is literally 3 turns and 7 minutes to work. I can see my son's school out the front door, but it isn't across the street.
My therapist said don't help him. Don't file, but she isn't a lawyer.
I can hold out until Wed when we have communication counseling and then I have therapy after. I will make my decision then.
I did ask if he had somewhere he could go this week and not come home...I don't know if I really wanted that or not. But we will see.
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Post by chaosisapony on Nov 20, 2021 20:30:18 GMT
Wow, he's turning out to be a real asshole isn't he?
If I were you I'd go talk to the in-laws. It doesn't have to be a big production just an acknowledgement of what's going on and how you've always valued your relationship with them. I bet they are feeling pretty awkward and are probably avoiding you because they don't know what to do.
Since you have spare rooms available I'd also move into one of them. I would rather sleep on an air mattress, futon, or whatever than continue to share a bed with a cheating ass while all the details of a separation are finalized.
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,878
Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Nov 20, 2021 20:41:50 GMT
Yeah, he needs to get out of the bedroom. Ridiculous. Do you have a spare room? Can you order another bed (w/his money)? Forget a twin, make it a nice new queen. Treat yourself. You need a private place in the house while he is still there. we have 2 extra rooms. I would do him a "favor" and move his shit into one of the extra rooms. |
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johnnysmom
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,686
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Nov 20, 2021 20:46:32 GMT
Never btdt but I have been thinking of you. My advice, fwiw:
You guys did a therapy session together right? Did you talk about what you both want the next 6 months to look like? If you both want to work it out or act like everything is fine then he needs to do that, that means not a peep to his parents or anyone else. That means including you in family outings. If the goal is split but not yet then move into a another room, make it yours. Live as roommates, tell people what’s going on (you get to tell them your side too, he doesn’t get to sugar coat this).
I would not text his side piece, he’ll spin that to make you out to be a crazy person nor would I pack up his stuff, he’s not worth the effort. Pack up your stuff, even if you move it across the hall…..you ARE worth the effort. He doesn’t get to control how this plays out, don’t let him turn you into someone you’re not, someone who begs him to stay or someone who is crazy and revengeful. Prove to him that you’re stronger than he ever imagined!
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Post by maryland on Nov 20, 2021 20:59:07 GMT
I am so sorry your inlaws treated you like that! You said you love your inlaws, so it sounds like your husband lied to them and made you look bad. Because if you have a good relationship, they shouldn't have treated you like that. Or are they depressed about losing you and they are trying to ignore you because it's hard for them otherwise? That is not an excuse for treating you like that, but it just doesn't make sense.
I am sorry you are going through this and it sounds like your husband is having some mid life crisis and you are the "safe" place to take it out on.
You deserve much better! You can vent to us anytime, we are all here for you, and wanting the best for you.
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 20, 2021 20:59:31 GMT
Never btdt but I have been thinking of you. My advice, fwiw: You guys did a therapy session together right? Did you talk about what you both want the next 6 months to look like? If you both want to work it out or act like everything is fine then he needs to do that, that means not a peep to his parents or anyone else. That means including you in family outings. If the goal is split but not yet then move into a another room, make it yours. Live as roommates, tell people what’s going on (you get to tell them your side too, he doesn’t get to sugar coat this). I would not text his side piece, he’ll spin that to make you out to be a crazy person nor would I pack up his stuff, he’s not worth the effort. Pack up your stuff, even if you move it across the hall…..you ARE worth the effort. He doesn’t get to control how this plays out, don’t let him turn you into someone you’re not, someone who begs him to stay or someone who is crazy and revengeful. Prove to him that you’re stronger than he ever imagined! we have a session on Wednesday and I think that will have to be the topic. I wasn't going to text her...thought about calling her husband...that isn't going to help and I know it, but... |
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sassyangel
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,456 
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Post by sassyangel on Nov 20, 2021 21:00:13 GMT
Huge hugs! I agree with scrapmaven. But first I would get sneaky and take pictures of him, while he is asleep to prove he is in bed with me. But he would probably lie to her saying that you snuck in and pretended to sleep with him. If you haven’t told the kids yet; what are they going to think about you not being at breakfast? What did they think about your in-laws ignoring you? I am the type that would be telling the in-laws and my kids the truth. He has someone else that he wants to be with and has told me that he wants a divorce. He needs to take responsibility for his actions. Ugh what a monumental fuckwit. I would be telling the truth too. It’s not doing them (or you) any favors protecting them from the reason why you’re on the skids. You don’t have to editorialize, just be factual as to the reasons. I think they have the right to decide how they feel about this, with all the facts in hand. |
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purplebee
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,801
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Post by purplebee on Nov 20, 2021 21:03:18 GMT
Sounds like a thoroughly miserable situation for you. But as long as you are willing to sleep in the same bed with him, he knows he has the upper hand and can live his life with no inconvenience. Get out of the bedroom or make him get out. I wish you all the luck in the world, you need to find a shark lawyer ASAP. He is a jerk.
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jayfab
Drama Llama
procastinating
Posts: 5,617
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Post by jayfab on Nov 20, 2021 21:17:59 GMT
I'm so sorry you are going thru this.
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 20, 2021 21:23:37 GMT
Sounds like a thoroughly miserable situation for you. But as long as you are willing to sleep in the same bed with him, he knows he has the upper hand and can live his life with no inconvenience. Get out of the bedroom or make him get out. I wish you all the luck in the world, you need to find a shark lawyer ASAP. He is a jerk. I just wish I knew how to tell a shark lawyer from a non shark one. |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Nov 24, 2024 8:47:24 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2021 21:46:33 GMT
Sounds like a thoroughly miserable situation for you. But as long as you are willing to sleep in the same bed with him, he knows he has the upper hand and can live his life with no inconvenience. Get out of the bedroom or make him get out. I wish you all the luck in the world, you need to find a shark lawyer ASAP. He is a jerk. I just wish I knew how to tell a shark lawyer from a non shark one. Didn’t you say you recently had some estate planning done? If so, call that attorney and ask if they could give you any names. Attorneys know who the fuks are and who to steer clear of…even if they’re in another field of law. Also, ask any friends if they know of a great divorce attorney. If they don’t have one they likely have a friend that had one. I got my shark from a referral from my estate planning attorney who also ended up giving me a job. My friends know what a fab attorney and my friends have told their friends. Therapy, both alone and with the dick is important, but finding a great attorney is equally important. You’re not looking out for him or making it easy on him. |
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Post by mollycoddle on Nov 20, 2021 21:52:24 GMT
I just wish I knew how to tell a shark lawyer from a non shark one. Didn’t you say you recently had some estate planning done? If so, call that attorney and ask if they could give you any names. Attorneys know who the fuks are and who to steer clear of…even if they’re in another field of law. Also, ask any friends if they know of a great divorce attorney. If they don’t have one they likely have a friend that had one. I got my shark from a referral from my estate planning attorney who also ended up giving me a job. My friends know what a fab attorney and my friends have told their friends. Therapy, both alone and with the dick is important, but finding a great attorney is equally important. You’re not looking out for him or making it easy on him. This is good advice. |
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 20, 2021 21:52:42 GMT
I just wish I knew how to tell a shark lawyer from a non shark one. Didn’t you say you recently had some estate planning done? If so, call that attorney and ask if they could give you any names. Attorneys know who the fuks are and who to steer clear of…even if they’re in another field of law. Also, ask any friends if they know of a great divorce attorney. If they don’t have one they likely have a friend that had one. I got my shark from a referral from my estate planning attorney who also ended up giving me a job. My friends know what a fab attorney and my friends have told their friends. Therapy, both alone and with the dick is important, but finding a great attorney is equally important. You’re not looking out for him or making it easy on him. the estate one came through his legal insurance...something I didn't bother to get because we got it through HIS employer (this is a common theme). I'm an idiot |
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Post by mollycoddle on Nov 20, 2021 21:58:35 GMT
Didn’t you say you recently had some estate planning done? If so, call that attorney and ask if they could give you any names. Attorneys know who the fuks are and who to steer clear of…even if they’re in another field of law. Also, ask any friends if they know of a great divorce attorney. If they don’t have one they likely have a friend that had one. I got my shark from a referral from my estate planning attorney who also ended up giving me a job. My friends know what a fab attorney and my friends have told their friends. Therapy, both alone and with the dick is important, but finding a great attorney is equally important. You’re not looking out for him or making it easy on him. the estate one came through his legal insurance...something I didn't bother to get because we got it through HIS employer (this is a common theme). I'm an idiot Ask your friends.Maybe some of them have done estate planning, and can call that attorney and ask about sharks. Don’t worry about inconveniencing them. A brief phone call is not really an inconvenience. |
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,878
Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Nov 20, 2021 22:02:43 GMT
Didn’t you say you recently had some estate planning done? If so, call that attorney and ask if they could give you any names. Attorneys know who the fuks are and who to steer clear of…even if they’re in another field of law. Also, ask any friends if they know of a great divorce attorney. If they don’t have one they likely have a friend that had one. I got my shark from a referral from my estate planning attorney who also ended up giving me a job. My friends know what a fab attorney and my friends have told their friends. Therapy, both alone and with the dick is important, but finding a great attorney is equally important. You’re not looking out for him or making it easy on him. the estate one came through his legal insurance...something I didn't bother to get because we got it through HIS employer (this is a common theme). I'm an idiotYou are NOT! You've been blindsided by someone who supposedly cared about you. I'm so pissed at him (this situation) for you. Right now sucks ass but you will come out the other side stronger and in a better place! |
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Post by cindyupnorth on Nov 20, 2021 22:08:14 GMT
Even though you aren't "touching" in the bed..that's not the point..you get that, right?
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Post by sunnyd on Nov 20, 2021 22:31:08 GMT
Were your in-laws in your house when they didn't acknowledge you? Why were they there? I hope they aren't staying with you. Have your in-laws been supportive to you in the past? I would call your MIL, cry on her shoulder and let her know exactly what her son is up to.
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Post by buddysmom on Nov 20, 2021 22:33:46 GMT
I know someone that the husband was cheating on his wife of 30+ years.
He had moved in with his girlfriend (from work) and hadn't told his parents.
His parents called his wife and said something like " I haven't heard from you in a couple months, how are you?"
She said "your son left me."
They did not know about it, hung up and she has not spoken to them in 2+ years.
So he may not have told them everything.
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Post by AussieMeg on Nov 20, 2021 22:56:13 GMT
Do the in-laws know about everything? He just told them we are on the skids. In my fantasy world, I would be ringing the in-laws and saying "I am just devastated by this situation. I really want to try and work things out, because I still love him. But his new woman is moving here so they can be together. I love you guys, and hope that his infidelity doesn't mean that I lose you as well." Ha! "On the skids" be damned. Let him own his decision and the consequences that go with it. |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Nov 24, 2024 8:47:24 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2021 23:00:46 GMT
freecharlie you are most certainly not an idiot. One day at a time.
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on Nov 21, 2021 0:07:28 GMT
You are not an idiot.
I say this kindly....
You need to stop being nice and stop worrying about his feelings.
STOP BEING NICE!
STOP HAVING EXCUSES AND REASONS WHY it has to be done this way or that way.
GET AN ATTORNEY!! DO IT YOUR WAY!!
Each day that you don't get an Attorney, is another day that you concede to him and doing it his way.
He is putting the "we are in a rough spot spin on things", which is not the truth. HE cheated. Truth needs to be told.
Maybe you need his money to make your financial ends meet, but those funds shouldn't currently be coming from "he is contributing".
The funds you need, should be coming from him via court ordered separation alimony and future divorce alimony.
You're lack of getting the ball rolling, is letting him be in control.
You are being way to nice. You are letting him have his way. You are letting him control things.
Failure to have retain an attorney. Why are you procrastinating??
Sharing a bed?? No! He cheated, he can move to the guest room, couch, bunk in with one of the kids.
It is not my intention to be rude, just trying to get you see that you are not currently doing anything to advocate for yourself. You are not standing up for yourself.
I think you are so focused on keeping your house, and doing everything to not upset that plan, that you're missing the bigger picture.
He is going to screw you over, if you don't stand up for yourself.
You are too focused on being nice and not causing any upset, so you get the house.
GET AN ATTORNEY, IMMEDIATELY!
Edited to add.....If his Parents have ignored you and haven't spoken a word to you, then guaranteed he is presenting you forth to his Parents as >> "it's all her fault".
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Post by Sharon on Nov 21, 2021 0:17:43 GMT
What state are you in? You really need to consult a lawyer. Different states have different laws about divorces. You need to make sure you don't do anything to jeopardize yourself.
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 21, 2021 0:23:44 GMT
What state are you in? You really need to consult a lawyer. Different states have different laws about divorces. You need to make sure you don't do anything to jeopardize yourself. colorado |
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Post by annie on Nov 21, 2021 0:28:36 GMT
This is not the time for passive. I definitely believe you should call in-laws up / text them / whatever and tell the truth. Remaining silent means you are allowing them to live with what is probably false information. They deserve to know the truth. Then if they want to cut you out - fine. But it's clear he fabricated some story to paint you as the bad guy. Why stand for that? You say you love them. Then call them. Don't let him get away with ruining your reputation among people you love.
Big ((hugs))!! I hate this is happening to you.
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Post by prapea on Nov 21, 2021 2:52:44 GMT
It all sounds like great advice, but this is MY home. It is my dream home. We put in a gas stove Feb 2020. We have solar panels and a backup battery. It is literally 3 turns and 7 minutes to work. I can see my son's school out the front door, but it isn't across the street. My therapist said don't help him. Don't file, but she isn't a lawyer. I can hold out until Wed when we have communication counseling and then I have therapy after. I will make my decision then. I did ask if he had somewhere he could go this week and not come home...I don't know if I really wanted that or not. But we will see. I have never btdt but I want to say I validate your feelings and what you said above. It might sound materialistic to others but I see and feel your pain when you say you love that house. For lawyers, I swear I read it here on NSBR to go find the lawyer that is hated by the husbands(or wives) because they always win. And here is a googled nytimes article that I saw on redditt a while back www.google.com/amp/s/www.nytimes.com/2019/04/24/fashion/weddings/divorce-advice-and-it-wont-cost-you-a-thing.amp.html |
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Post by waffles on Nov 21, 2021 3:15:47 GMT
One of the first things I learned from a therapist was that the inlaws are just that.
They are his family, not yours.
It stung at first but later it gave me some comfort.
Of course they will side with him, they pretty much have to.
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sassyangel
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,456
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Post by sassyangel on Nov 21, 2021 6:24:41 GMT
One of the first things I learned from a therapist was that the inlaws are just that. They are his family, not yours. It stung at first but later it gave me some comfort. Of course they will side with him, they pretty much have to. They actually don’t *have* to, they either chose to, or they haven’t been told the entire truth. My husbands cousins ended her first marriage due to infidelity (hers) and her parents never sided with her and cut off her x-husband. |
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Post by Legacy Girl on Nov 21, 2021 8:08:20 GMT
You are not an idiot. I say this kindly.... You need to stop being nice and stop worrying about his feelings. STOP BEING NICE! STOP HAVING EXCUSES AND REASONS WHY it has to be done this way or that way. GET AN ATTORNEY!! DO IT YOUR WAY!! Each day that you don't get an Attorney, is another day that you concede to him and doing it his way. He is putting the "we are in a rough spot spin on things", which is not the truth. HE cheated. Truth needs to be told. Maybe you need his money to make your financial ends meet, but those funds shouldn't currently be coming from "he is contributing". The funds you need, should be coming from him via court ordered separation alimony and future divorce alimony. You're lack of getting the ball rolling, is letting him be in control. You are being way to nice. You are letting him have his way. You are letting him control things. Failure to have retain an attorney. Why are you procrastinating?? Sharing a bed?? No! He cheated, he can move to the guest room, couch, bunk in with one of the kids. It is not my intention to be rude, just trying to get you see that you are not currently doing anything to advocate for yourself. You are not standing up for yourself. I think you are so focused on keeping your house, and doing everything to not upset that plan, that you're missing the bigger picture. He is going to screw you over, if you don't stand up for yourself. You are too focused on being nice and not causing any upset, so you get the house. GET AN ATTORNEY, IMMEDIATELY! Edited to add.....If his Parents have ignored you and haven't spoken a word to you, then guaranteed he is presenting you forth to his Parents as >> "it's all her fault". I suspect that the OP isn't doing any of the things that you mentioned because the bottom line is that those are the very LAST things she wants to do. She wanted her marriage to continue. She wanted her children to be unscathed by a separation that she never wanted. She wants to continue to love the man she married and his parents, etc. But I also think you are spot-on in your assessment of what she must do now that these cards have been played. OP, finding reasons why you can't do any of the things ScrappinMyLife suggested makes perfect sense -- because taking those steps makes it seem real. But it's already real, and you cannot stay in that headspace. You have to take the steps ASAP to protect yourself and your future. As tired and weak and depressed as you may feel, you have to stand up for yourself without excuses. If you have a community FB board, ask the women in your community to recommend an attorney who respects and strongly represents women in divorces. As the DD of an attorney who spent his career fighting for women, I can assure you those in the community know who that person is and even more importantly, who it isn't. If you have to say you're asking for a friend to get the information, do that. And if anyone says anything, I would just say, "I am asking for a friend, because I am committed to being my own best friend and making sure I have the best possible representation." I know how hard this must be for you. But he's taking care of himself. And you must be the one to take care of you. |
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