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Post by hopechest on Jun 8, 2022 17:05:23 GMT
We moved into a new neighborhood about 6 months ago. We have a 5 year old boy. Our next door neighbors have 3 boys all around the same age. When we moved in, they played together a lot and we were super stoked for our kiddo to have 'hood buddies. We didn't see the mom much, she had had some surgery. I've really only seen her once or twice. Spoken maybe 3 words to her. But the dad was out in front a lot and we chatted quite a bit. All good. Then, one day it all stopped. The kids don't come out. When they are in the backyard their parents won't let them come to ours, or won't let our kiddo go to theirs. It seems strained and weird all of a sudden. My hubby asked the dad a couple weeks ago if everything was OK, and he said the kids had gotten into trouble and they were inside doing chores, but all good. But it's now been another couple of weeks and they haven't come out to play at all. Yesterday our kid was talking to their kids over the fence (we can see into each other's yard easily) and the mom told my kiddo that her kids were busy and couldn't talk now. Would you address it or let it go? I was thinking sending the mom and dad a text that says "we think you have awesome boys and our kiddo misses playing with them. We've noticed some distance would would like to talk about it if there is a problem". If they respond, great we can hash out whatever. If they don't then whatevs. There are other kids in the world. Or, do we call them out to a rumble in the front yard for being mean to my kid? I'm kidding of course -- kinda. LOL How would you address it? I don't want to start a 'hood war or anything. It's weird navigating the "parents of my kid's friends" relationships.
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Post by tc on Jun 8, 2022 17:15:32 GMT
I would say if you're comfortable texting them and asking to talk about it, I'd do that. If they don't respond, as far as you're aware, no one is worse off than you are right now. And if there is a problem, you may become aware of it. So many factors could be at play here. It's hard to tell. But I'd say communication is better than just pretending it didn't happen.
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Post by MichyM on Jun 8, 2022 17:19:28 GMT
Rather than text, why not walk next door and talk in person? Bring some brownies with you Good luck!
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
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Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Jun 8, 2022 19:29:11 GMT
My 6 year old was playing well with 5 other boys in the neighborhood and now he doesn't really want to go play with them. I'm hoping that it's just a "kid thing" but I don't know. Like hopechest I'm not sure what to do either. I'm thinking that it's an end of school year thing and this summer things will be good. My kids went to a different district so they're out for summer already and the neighborhood kids aren't out until this friday. My kids are moving to our home schools so they'll be in school with the neighborhood kids. Good luck OP! I'm hoping it's nothing really.
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Post by iteach3rdgrade on Jun 8, 2022 19:40:12 GMT
Maybe mom is jealous?
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Post by epeanymous on Jun 8, 2022 19:42:13 GMT
I would definitely reach out to them. You are neighbors, and it is worth seeing if there is an issue.
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pinklady
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,922
Nov 14, 2016 23:47:03 GMT
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Post by pinklady on Jun 8, 2022 19:45:34 GMT
Honestly, I would let it go. That dad already gave your husband a reason but you don't seem to like/believe it. Don't force the kids to hang out, just let it happen naturally.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 17:23:41 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2022 20:23:09 GMT
Who watched the kids when they were out playing together and where did they play? For that age, I’m assuming someone has to supervise and am wondering if that’s the issue?
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oh yvonne
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Jun 26, 2014 0:45:23 GMT
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Post by oh yvonne on Jun 8, 2022 20:30:27 GMT
Man, that's a tough one. I'd wonder if my kid had done/said something wrong and I'd want to know.
I think I'd wait a couple of more weeks to see if things don't lighten up on their own and then I might try inviting them over for a play date with "I hoping the boys aren't on restriction anymore and can come play". If they give you another lame excuse then I figure I'd have nothing to lose and come right out and ask.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jun 9, 2022 1:11:42 GMT
That’s definitely weird. Does your kid still want to play with the neighbor kids? I would want to know if my kid said or did something they didn’t approve of, so I would ask even though it would feel really weird to have that conversation. I would probably text though so I wouldn’t have to talk about the situation out loud in front of their kids or mine. Maybe it’s something that can be resolved or maybe not, but you won’t know unless you ask.
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,147
Aug 14, 2015 21:47:17 GMT
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Post by pilcas on Jun 9, 2022 2:26:10 GMT
It might be something personal that really has nothing to do with your family. In a sense they already answered you and you don’t want to be pushy asking for an answer to something that may very well be none of your business.I don’t mean to be snarky. Mother had surgery, health issues? You might ask your kids if they think anything happened but you probably need to drop it for now and see how things develop.if you keep pushing for an answer it might just annoy them.
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Post by 950nancy on Jun 9, 2022 3:47:57 GMT
We had a house next to us growing up and two sets of families lived there. Both had girls my age and neither kid was allowed to play with me. I had two older brothers, but I wasn't allowed to play there either. To be fair, I never saw other kids go in and out of their house. Sometimes people are just really hung up on things that no one else thinks is normal. I remember one girl had a list of like 25 things she had to do when she got home from school. One thing was 20 jumping jacks. Others were cleaning chores. Her mom was a SAHM (as was mine) so I always thought that was weird that she had to clean so much every day.
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Post by voltagain on Jun 9, 2022 4:33:45 GMT
We moved into a new neighborhood about 6 months ago. We have a 5 year old boy. Our next door neighbors have 3 boys all around the same age. When we moved in, they played together a lot and we were super stoked for our kiddo to have 'hood buddies. We didn't see the mom much, she had had some surgery. I've really only seen her once or twice. Spoken maybe 3 words to her. But the dad was out in front a lot and we chatted quite a bit. All good. Then, one day it all stopped. The kids don't come out. When they are in the backyard their parents won't let them come to ours, or won't let our kiddo go to theirs. It seems strained and weird all of a sudden. My hubby asked the dad a couple weeks ago if everything was OK, and he said the kids had gotten into trouble and they were inside doing chores, but all good. But it's now been another couple of weeks and they haven't come out to play at all. Yesterday our kid was talking to their kids over the fence (we can see into each other's yard easily) and the mom told my kiddo that her kids were busy and couldn't talk now. Would you address it or let it go? I was thinking sending the mom and dad a text that says "we think you have awesome boys and our kiddo misses playing with them. We've noticed some distance would would like to talk about it if there is a problem". If they respond, great we can hash out whatever. If they don't then whatevs. There are other kids in the world. Or, do we call them out to a rumble in the front yard for being mean to my kid? I'm kidding of course -- kinda. LOL How would you address it? I don't want to start a 'hood war or anything. It's weird navigating the "parents of my kid's friends" relationships. Let it go. If mom has had surgery recently there are likely some stress in the household that has NOTHING to do with you but has their kids acting up. My 3 are close in age, during stressful times they could really ramp each other up for antics that were irritating. Add a neighborhood child into the mix, not matter how good that kid was, it added to the antics of my three. Wasn't that the kid did anything wrong just the impact of the extra child on my bunch. Don't assume anything is about your child or you. Assume it is something internal to their home life and let it go. Find another play group for your son.
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Post by Basket1lady on Jun 9, 2022 12:09:26 GMT
I would think that your DS probably did or said something. Heck, my DD lost a playmate because I invited her dd to watch Shrek when #3? came out in the theater. They were in the 3rd grade! It shocked me, as the mom never said anything—she just started making excuses about why her dd couldn’t play. I was a pretty conservative parent and my kids watched very little tv in elementary school. I’m still not sure what is so objectionable.
In another example, a friend of DS’s wasn’t coming over often and I talked to the mom. She didn’t want her DS playing video games when he was over at our house. Ok by me! We had a trampoline, bikes, swing set, sandbox, and woods for them to explore. 20 years later and the “boys” are still best friends.
I say that you have nothing to lose talking to the parents.
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gsquaredmom
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Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
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Post by gsquaredmom on Jun 9, 2022 13:11:48 GMT
Maybe mom is sick and watching all the kids when they are in their yard is too much. Then she feels if they go to yours she needs to reciprocate and will not be able to. Or the ratio is off and you’ve become the mom who sends her kid over for free babysitting. I think I’d invite them over for a bbq (hot dogs, potato salad-type so they don’t feel they need to reciprocate) and see how it goes. If mom is sick they get a break and maybe you will learn a lot without asking a lot of questions.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jun 9, 2022 14:07:35 GMT
Let it go. If mom has had surgery recently there are likely some stress in the household that has NOTHING to do with you but has their kids acting up. My 3 are close in age, during stressful times they could really ramp each other up for antics that were irritating. Add a neighborhood child into the mix, not matter how good that kid was, it added to the antics of my three. Wasn't that the kid did anything wrong just the impact of the extra child on my bunch. Don't assume anything is about your child or you. Assume it is something internal to their home life and let it go. Find another play group for your son. I could understand that about having another kid to deal with at the surgery mom’s house, but then why would she not let her kids go to the neighbor’s house or yard to play, especially if the neighbor mom doesn’t mind having the other three kids over? I guess I would want to know why the other parents didn’t want their kids at my house. As the mom of an only child, I really didn’t mind having other people’s kids at my house when my kid was that age. My kid loved having someone her own age to play with and I liked that I didn’t have to constantly find things for her to do to entertain herself. With another one or two kids for my kid to play with, I could get some of my own stuff done while I just monitored what was going on.
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Post by voltagain on Jun 9, 2022 15:07:35 GMT
Let it go. If mom has had surgery recently there are likely some stress in the household that has NOTHING to do with you but has their kids acting up. My 3 are close in age, during stressful times they could really ramp each other up for antics that were irritating. Add a neighborhood child into the mix, not matter how good that kid was, it added to the antics of my three. Wasn't that the kid did anything wrong just the impact of the extra child on my bunch. Don't assume anything is about your child or you. Assume it is something internal to their home life and let it go. Find another play group for your son. I could understand that about having another kid to deal with at the surgery mom’s house, but then why would she not let her kids go to the neighbor’s house or yard to play, especially if the neighbor mom doesn’t mind having the other three kids over? I guess I would want to know why the other parents didn’t want their kids at my house. As the mom of an only child, I really didn’t mind having other people’s kids at my house when my kid was that age. My kid loved having someone her own age to play with and I liked that I didn’t have to constantly find things for her to do to entertain herself. With another one or two kids for my kid to play with, I could get some of my own stuff done while I just monitored what was going on. It wasn't just a matter of having extra kids in my house. Sometimes just exposure to a 4th kid changed the dynamic between my 3 for days even when the friend wasn't present.
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nursema
Full Member
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Mar 1, 2022 10:14:32 GMT
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Post by nursema on Jun 9, 2022 15:15:37 GMT
I have a strong feeling that this may have to do with whatever is going on with Mom’s health, or something within the family. My first thought was that she may be immunocompromised and that they are needing to limit exposure, but that’s not the only scenario that might fit. She may be ill, and the surgery wasn’t an isolated medical issue. If that’s the case, I can see how just corralling their own three could be a hardship, and adding another to the mix may not be doable right now.
I can think of plenty of possibilities which are totally unrelated to your kiddo. If it were me, I’d give it some time and see what develops over the summer. I understand your being disappointed for your son, though. I hope they get to play together again soon!
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jun 9, 2022 15:33:00 GMT
I could understand that about having another kid to deal with at the surgery mom’s house, but then why would she not let her kids go to the neighbor’s house or yard to play, especially if the neighbor mom doesn’t mind having the other three kids over? I guess I would want to know why the other parents didn’t want their kids at my house. As the mom of an only child, I really didn’t mind having other people’s kids at my house when my kid was that age. My kid loved having someone her own age to play with and I liked that I didn’t have to constantly find things for her to do to entertain herself. With another one or two kids for my kid to play with, I could get some of my own stuff done while I just monitored what was going on. It wasn't just a matter of having extra kids in my house. Sometimes just exposure to a 4th kid changed the dynamic between my 3 for days even when the friend wasn't present. But then why not just say that so the neighbors aren’t left to wonder if their kid did or said something that they aren’t aware of? You know, the old “It’s not you, it’s me” thing. It would be one thing if someone was avoiding my kid because of her behavior (because that could be addressed going forward), and another thing entirely if they have other reasons that have nothing at all to do with her. I will say from experience that it kind of sucks living in a neighborhood where there are no kids nearby for my kid to hang out with since her BFF’s family moved to a different neighborhood a year ago, and that definitely colors my perspective.
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Post by hopechest on Jun 9, 2022 15:49:57 GMT
Thanks all for the replies! Like I said, I'm so new to navigating these relationships! When the kiddos were out before a parent was kinda outside too. We'd be cleaning up the yard or garage or stuff like that. We'd duck in and out of the house from time to time like to switch laundry or whatever, but for the most part it was a communal supervision if you know what I mean. My kiddo is the youngest in my extended family, so lots of older aunties and uncles and cousins that buy him toys. Lots of them. Lots. LOL. I set up a "garage" of sorts with all the big trucks and cranes and all kinds of stuff. I agree it's excessive, but it is what it is. As far as we're concerned, we prefer a free for all, mo kids mo play mo better. The neighbor boys would have a blast getting every single one out and making a big mess playing in the yard/sidewalk. It was fantastic. Maybe it was too much "at *kiddos* house..." talk at the table. Dunno. I think I'm going to give it a little more time, then try the BBQ idea. Maybe the mom and dad can get to know us a little better too. Thee's a few other neighbors with kids too so I can make it a group thing and not single them out. Honestly, if the mom needs a little help, I'm happy to do that. I don't mind 3 extra kids at the house/yard. I'm all about it takes a village.
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
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Aug 14, 2015 21:47:17 GMT
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Post by pilcas on Jun 9, 2022 16:35:57 GMT
It wasn't just a matter of having extra kids in my house. Sometimes just exposure to a 4th kid changed the dynamic between my 3 for days even when the friend wasn't present. But then why not just say that so the neighbors aren’t left to wonder if their kid did or said something that they aren’t aware of? You know, the old “It’s not you, it’s me” thing. It would be one thing if someone was avoiding my kid because of her behavior (because that could be addressed going forward), and another thing entirely if they have other reasons that have nothing at all to do with her. I will say from experience that it kind of sucks living in a neighborhood where there are no kids nearby for my kid to hang out with since her BFF’s family moved to a different neighborhood a year ago, and that definitely colors my perspective. The father did say that his kids had gotten into trouble and had chores.
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oh yvonne
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Jun 26, 2014 0:45:23 GMT
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Post by oh yvonne on Jun 9, 2022 18:18:40 GMT
I could understand that about having another kid to deal with at the surgery mom’s house, but then why would she not let her kids go to the neighbor’s house or yard to play, especially if the neighbor mom doesn’t mind having the other three kids over? I guess I would want to know why the other parents didn’t want their kids at my house. As the mom of an only child, I really didn’t mind having other people’s kids at my house when my kid was that age. My kid loved having someone her own age to play with and I liked that I didn’t have to constantly find things for her to do to entertain herself. With another one or two kids for my kid to play with, I could get some of my own stuff done while I just monitored what was going on. It wasn't just a matter of having extra kids in my house. Sometimes just exposure to a 4th kid changed the dynamic between my 3 for days even when the friend wasn't present. This reminds me of something that happened to us. When DD was in the 4th grade (that's 9 years old) she made a really good friend at school. Friend had a younger sister in 2nd grade at the time so that's 7. Younger kid was a terror. Like throw herself on the ground crying having fits over the slightest thing IN PUBLIC. At age 7. She wasn't on the spectrum or anything, just a brat. The problems started when DD would go over their house to hang out. Younger girl always insisted on being included (yes, normal) but neither the two older girls really wanted younger around so they'd indulge her for a while and then want to hang out in older girls room. Mom wasn't having it, she insisted they always include younger daughter. Younger girl was obsessed with Dahlia and D couldn't take it after a while. We would try to invite her friend to come to our house but her friend would always say her younger sister would have to come too. At first I just told Dahlia to include both but after I while we felt a little bullied about it. At nine and ten these girls are going through puberty and want to talk about boys, they don't want an annoying, terribly misbehaved screaming banshee tagging along. The whole thing came to a head when I threw DD her 11th birthday party which was a pool party sleep over for her crew of 6 friends. When mom came to drop off her friend, she assumed we were including younger sis too. I felt so bad but I had to tell her (remind her?) that it was only for the older girls. It was horrible, she made me the bad guy to her younger daughter and after that the friendship was ruined. Mom made big sis feel so guilty about it (how it was her fault I have no idea), that we just never hung out much together after. And this woman is working on her doctorate in STEM education. Boggles my mind.
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Post by busy on Jun 9, 2022 18:29:47 GMT
There are all sorts of reasons that have nothing to do with your family or have everything to do with your family. Either way, they've been given the opportunity to be more forthcoming and they have chosen not to be. That's their right. Let it go.
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,147
Aug 14, 2015 21:47:17 GMT
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Post by pilcas on Jun 9, 2022 18:39:06 GMT
Your latest update reminded me of something. My daughter made a friend in soccer, she had a younger brother my sons age so eventually both families started getting food together after games and hang out. But this girl in fifth grade had the latest IPhone and other expensive toys and gadgets. Eventually my kids started wanting the iPhone and whatever they saw at their friends house and I began to see it as a problem because there was no way in hell I was going to buy an I phone to a fifth grader. When going to the movies we would end up getting the sodas, the various snacks and then pizza after the movie. Going to a sports game included getting the team jersey. It all became a bit excessive to me and I started pulling away. Although the kids were very nice they became a bad influence in mine and just not how I wanted to bring up my children.
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Post by voltagain on Jun 9, 2022 22:30:05 GMT
It wasn't just a matter of having extra kids in my house. Sometimes just exposure to a 4th kid changed the dynamic between my 3 for days even when the friend wasn't present. But then why not just say that so the neighbors aren’t left to wonder if their kid did or said something that they aren’t aware of? You know, the old “It’s not you, it’s me” thing. It would be one thing if someone was avoiding my kid because of her behavior (because that could be addressed going forward), and another thing entirely if they have other reasons that have nothing at all to do with her. I will say from experience that it kind of sucks living in a neighborhood where there are no kids nearby for my kid to hang out with since her BFF’s family moved to a different neighborhood a year ago, and that definitely colors my perspective. The parents did say "It's my kids not yours" in different words. Just the op is wanting more detailed information than the neighbor seems to be wanting to give. You know, privacy and all that.
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Post by Lexica on Jun 9, 2022 23:30:21 GMT
I would do as suggested and take over a plate of cookies or something and come right out and ask if there was an issue you should know about. Ask why the boys were not allowed to play together anymore. It is better to ask and find out the truth than to wonder and imagine all sorts of things.
Now I'm telling this story about what happened in my neighborhood when the little boys stopped playing together. That is not to say that something like this happened in your neighborhood.
My son, along with several other little boys around the same age, used to play out front a great deal. Then the little boy across the street wanted them all to come play in his bedroom. My son knew he wasn't to go inside anyone's house without my permission. He came running home to ask if he could go play inside in Ryan's bedroom. I was just about to call him inside because dinner was ready. We ate dinner and carried on with the rest of our night and never gave Ryan's house another thought.
Over the next few days, none of the kids were playing outside like they usually did. Then it was a Friday and my son went to his father's for the weekend. I noticed over the weekend that there were no kids playing outside again. I was out for several hours doing the yard work and I didn't see anyone, which was highly unusual in our neighborhood. One of my neighbors once did an informal count and said we had 72 kids on our street and the street behind it. You would think with that many there would be a few playing outside at least.
On Monday when my son came home from school, he said that none of the kids were allowed to play with Ryan anymore but he didn't know why. I wondered if the boys got too rowdy and broke something when they were over there. I was silently glad my son wasn't there to be a part of whatever went on. When I saw one of the boy's mother coming to get her mail at our communal mailbox, I went out to ask her what happened at Ryan's house. I knew that two of her boys were over there.
Apparently Ryan's uncle was visiting from Korea. Turns out that this uncle was a pedophile. He talked the boys into playing some game where they each went into the closet with him for a few minutes. Apparently Ryan did this with this uncle frequently when he visited. One of the older boys figured out what was happening inside that closet when he saw a boy fixing his pants when he came out. He took his brother home. He went straight to his mother. Mom asked the younger boy what happened in the closet. Sure enough, the uncle was molesting the boys.
This mother went straight to Ryan's parents with this information and also shared the news with the parents of the other boys that were there that day. Ryan's parent's freaked out and confronted the husband's brother. This brother was quite a bit younger than the father. The father was grown and out of the house before this kid was born so he really didn't know him at all. The younger brother admitted that they were playing a sex game and said that it was no big deal, that lots of boys in Korea play it. They discovered he had been playing these games with their own son as well. I guess they had the brother on a plane bound for Korea the next day and I never saw him visiting again.
I felt really bad for poor Ryan. He didn't know what was happening was so wrong. And none of the other little boys were allowed to play with him anymore. My son liked him and I found Ryan to be a very nice little boy. I told my son he was allowed to play with Ryan outside or invite him to our house, but he wasn't to go inside Ryan's house. My son was fine with that. And seeing my son playing with Ryan, the other little boys eventually came to play with him too. I had had a brief discussion about what happened at Ryan's house with my son. He knew about "bad touch" for years before this happened at Ryan's. I just asked him to let me know if the other boys were teasing Ryan at all. He said he never heard anything.
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Post by peasapie on Jun 9, 2022 23:41:31 GMT
I’d leave it alone. It doesn’t sound like it has anything at all to do with your child, and I think it’s best to just accept that right now is not a good time for their family to socialize.
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Post by bigbundt on Jun 10, 2022 17:19:10 GMT
People are weird. Parents got weirder when my oldest was in middle school. Most of the time it literally has nothing to do with you or your child I will say that neighborhood friends are a bit overrated. We moved into a neighborhood with a lot of kids a few years ago. We were thrilled that our kids would have someone else to play with as our old neighborhood had none. Over the years it is been extremely stressful navigating the drama and changing relationships between all the kids and the parents. We are moving shortly and will not be looking back.
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ComplicatedLady
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Posts: 3,083
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Jul 26, 2014 21:02:07 GMT
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Post by ComplicatedLady on Jun 10, 2022 23:00:53 GMT
I wouldn’t ask but if I’m being honest, I’d probably ask my husband to ask one more time, especially if my kid wanted to know why they can’t play anymore. I also like the idea of a casual bbq—you can even say the kids can come if the adults can’t make it. I dunno, it’s a tough situation.
Hopefully your kiddo isn’t too bummed out about it.
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Post by hopechest on Jun 22, 2022 18:54:39 GMT
I'm sure you were all on pins and needles. LOL We had a chat with the parents. Long story short, it was a couple of things. Apparently my darling angel child has been jumping the fence and just coming over into their yard whenever the mood strikes. Knocking on the door and being a general shit. The mom told him that he couldn't do that and he stuck his tongue out and yelled at her that she was mean. Also, she has been recovering from surgery and just overwhelmed in general with her own 3 kids. Adding mine in the mix is too much. Understandably. We'll try to have the kids over to our house instead, as then we can supervise our kid better. All in all, good ending. PS - we explained to our kid that "you can't just go into anyone's yard. you have to ask"...his response was a genuinely confused, "why?". Like, who wouldn't want me to come over. I'm adorable!!
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