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Post by ~summer~ on Jul 28, 2022 22:00:23 GMT
First of all I would stop texting. It sounds like twice they tried to talk to you guys but you were too busy - hopefully after you talk in person tonight things will get resolved.
I would definitely just pay to have the fence made taller or do it yourself - agree would not want an ugly tarp etc. Hopefully you can just move on from these neighbors - they are not your friends.
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Post by imkat on Jul 28, 2022 22:49:38 GMT
When I just move into a new home, I'm getting new curtains, new furniture, new plants, etc.
I'm NOT paying half for a fence that already existed and then was "enhanced" by my neighbors! Ugh!
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PaperAngel
Prolific Pea
Posts: 7,799
Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
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Post by PaperAngel on Jul 28, 2022 23:03:04 GMT
I'm curious how a 5 yo repeatedly scales a fence to play/visit neighbors & returns without a parent/caregiver noticing!?! I’ve only lived in HOA neighborhoods, but never with shared fences (rather plant screening) so am without firsthand experience dealing with fence issues. However, it’s my understanding both parties should agree to any changes (& the HOA may have to approve) before they’re made, not the next door neighbor decides to put up an eyesore (so she can explain how predatory your 5 yo is to anyone who asks about it) & then lectures you about it afterwards. She doesn’t dictate who neighbors can or cannot talk to when on their own property & avoid common sense neighbor/proper HOA approvals by barking orders & trying to impose a random timetable…regardless how frustrated she is with your 5 yo child’s lack of parental supervision.
My suggestion is to document correspondence about the fence with screenshots of the text exchanges & summaries of in person conversations, notify the HOA of changes made to the shared fence without your knowledge & request removal of the altercations at the neighbors’ expense, & do not talk to them without an HOA representative present. Also, please establish boundaries with your son & actively supervise him - explain that he must stay within your enclosed backyard for his safety, do not allow him to trespass onto their or other neighbors’ properties, discourage him from standing in the backyard & screaming at them or anyone else, & inform him their children are no longer possible playmates by their parents' choice. ETA: After all, the neighbors have already alerted you that she’s had enough & will be reporting trespassing to authorities, which may lead to the involvement of child services. Best wishes…
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Post by melanell on Jul 28, 2022 23:54:43 GMT
Some people are a bit over the top about anyone stepping foot on their property. So if she acted like this from the get-go, I'd think she was just one of those people. OR if your child had been back over there without permission. But for nothing else to have happened, I can't even guess what her issue is. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
But really, you have an HOA--if nothing else works out---you always have the option of getting them involved. Best of luck.
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Post by craftedbys on Jul 29, 2022 0:21:30 GMT
No way would I pay to placate crazy because it won't stop with just the fence.
Reach out to your HOA and don't worry about being anonymous. They probably already know crazy lady.
If you are lucky maybe there will be a stereotypical Karen on the HOA board that will stop that tacky nonsense DIY fence.
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twinsmomfla99
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,087
Jun 26, 2014 13:42:47 GMT
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Post by twinsmomfla99 on Jul 29, 2022 0:21:30 GMT
When you discuss the fence, make sure you cover a couple of points in the conversation:
1. Set a limit for what you are willing to spend on the fence. If it costs more, that’s on them. You have a functioning fence now (assuming your kid is no longer jumping it), so there is no NEED for an upgrade. If they want a taller fence they can pay for it. 2. Insist they remove the eyesore extensions at their own expense. You seem to be willing to pay something toward the new fence (up to 50% but not more than x dollars). The cost of removal should not be included. 3. Insist on submitting the plans for HOA approval before any new changes are added. There is more than likely a height limitation (which in my experience living in 3 HOAs was I believe 6 ft.) HOA standards usually discourage homeowners from making their house look like a fortress. Your covenants may allow taller fences, but I wouldn’t bank on it. You do not want to start getting fined for being out of compliance.
If they can’t agree to these things, threaten small claims court (not at the initial meeting, later if negotiations break down). It’s your fence, too, and they took it upon themselves to alter your property without your permission. Don’t let them get away with trying to bully you into agreeing to pay for a new fence if you don’t want one.
ETA You are not required to cooperate at all. If push comes to shove, sue for damages to your fence in small claims court (the cost of putting it pack to the original condition, including any patching, painting, or staining that needs to be done). Tell them they are more than welcome to build a new fence on their side of the property line, but you want the fence you had when you bought the property. Personally, this would be my starting position, but since you seem to be willing to help pay for a higher fence, you should at least insist on the three points above.
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pinklady
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,922
Nov 14, 2016 23:47:03 GMT
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Post by pinklady on Jul 29, 2022 0:55:16 GMT
You think a tarp is going to stop your kids or my kids from yelling to each other when they can clearly hear each other in the back yard? I'm NOT going to shush my kid, or shuffle him into the house every time I hear your kids in the back. From everything you’ve posted, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say your kid is a huge pain in the ass. So now he’s not going in their backyard uninvited, he’s just yelling to the other kids when they are in their backyard. And you think it’s Ok. 🤯 These parents have made it abundantly clear they don’t like your kid and don’t want their kids playing with your kid in any way shape or form. Instead of talking to your kid about it and explaining that to him, you just let him force himself on this family. No wonder they are so pissed off.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 19:16:48 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 29, 2022 1:07:04 GMT
There are so many possible reasons for her behaviour. Just reading the language in your posts puts me off you. But that is me and I would want to limit my interactions with you. Not sure I could be bothered putting a fence up but I would avoid you, so maybe it's just she's not that into you?
I'm not suggesting there's anything about you to change as you should be who you want to be. But we're not everyone's cup of tea. I very much know I am not everyone's cup of tea and that's ok with me because the feeling is usually mutual.
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Post by katlady on Jul 29, 2022 1:10:28 GMT
I live in an HOA and we have shared fences. As long as the fence is not visible from the street, we don’t need approval to change it. You just have to agree with your neighbor. In this case, I would notify the HOA since they are making a change you don’t approve of. Good luck with your meeting. I wonder if there is something going on with the kids that you are not aware of. But the neighbor lady doesn’t sound like she wants to discuss it with you.
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tracylynn
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,899
Jun 26, 2014 22:49:09 GMT
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Post by tracylynn on Jul 29, 2022 1:26:10 GMT
You think a tarp is going to stop your kids or my kids from yelling to each other when they can clearly hear each other in the back yard? I'm NOT going to shush my kid, or shuffle him into the house every time I hear your kids in the back. From everything you’ve posted, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say your kid is a huge pain in the ass. So now he’s not going in their backyard uninvited, he’s just yelling to the other kids when they are in their backyard. And you think it’s Ok. 🤯 These parents have made it abundantly clear they don’t like your kid and don’t want their kids playing with your kid in any way shape or form. Instead of talking to your kid about it and explaining that to him, you just let him force himself on this family. No wonder they are so pissed off. I think that may be a little harsh. She corrected the behavior that he had never been taught or that hadn't been a big deal in the past (going uninvited to play with the kids). It hasn't happened since. And also, as an aside ... what kids didn't go join other kids in their yards when they heard or saw them? I'm a Gen Xer and that shit happened all the time. If the mom had a problem she shouldn't have let it stew, but instead had an adult conversation with Hopechest. And who's to say the neighbor kids aren't yelling at her kid when they hear him in the yard? Of course he's going to answer. There is not enough information provided to flat out determine that Hopechests 5 year old kid is "a huge pain in the ass". My bet is that this neighbor is a bit whackadoo as someone upthread said.
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Post by Basket1lady on Jul 29, 2022 11:07:18 GMT
I vote that neighbor is a nutter and a control freak. Don't talk to my husband about the kids? Only talk to me? Tarping the back fence? It all seems very extreme for issues with a 5 year old.
It's possible that the kids are throwing things back and forth across the fence. I had that with neighbor kids once and had to talk to the parents. Our puppy loved chewing on those Happy Meal toys and I was worried that she would choke. It didn't stop until the puppy got one of the soccer balls they threw over and popped it. I did warn them...
OP, I hope that you can meet face to face and come to a resolution. A 5 year old should be able to play in his own back yard! Sure he's annoying--he's 5 and is just learning social boundaries. That doesn't make him demon spawn!
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Dani-Mani
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,709
Jun 28, 2014 17:36:35 GMT
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Post by Dani-Mani on Jul 29, 2022 11:28:09 GMT
You might want to get a restraining order. She's unbalanced. That’s not how restraining orders work…
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Post by peasapie on Jul 29, 2022 11:39:26 GMT
I’m sorry you are going through this. It would be very upsetting to me. I think eventually you will chat with them and perhaps you’ll hear more complaints about your son. She’s giving you her side of things — and I’m sure your son has his side as well, though it’s hard for kids to express that.
I’d just counsel my child firmly to stay away from them - no talking, no visiting, no throwing. This is not the type of neighbor who will be friendly to you or your son.
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Post by mollycoddle on Jul 29, 2022 12:44:28 GMT
Yikes! I just wanted to say good luck. It sounds like you will need it.
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Post by lbp on Jul 29, 2022 13:34:22 GMT
Your neighbor is a nut job! I wouldn't want to be friends with her. I would definitely let the HOA know about the fence and also you are going to just have to tell your kids that the other kids are off limits. Are there other kids in the neighborhood?
Good Luck!
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Jul 29, 2022 13:40:09 GMT
I’m sorry you are having these problems with the neighbors. Their behavior seems very odd to me unless there are other issues they aren’t saying. But it doesn’t sound like there is really much contact with them now so I’m not sure that is the issue.
I could understand their initial concerns with your son going over the fence, but in our neighborhood it was common for kids to watch for us to come home then immediately come over to ask to play, or for kids to knock on doors to ask, etc. If it’s not a good time, no big deal. The kids just go back home and play another time. It especially seems strange that they were so put off by your son when you say that you had talked about the kids being able to go back and forth freely.
I disagree with the person who said to stop texting. It might come in handy to have the conversations in writing.
Good luck working with them! I personally would not be paying for a new fence at this point.
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Anita
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,702
Location: Kansas City -ish
Jun 27, 2014 2:38:58 GMT
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Post by Anita on Jul 29, 2022 14:07:58 GMT
You might want to get a restraining order. She's unbalanced. That’s not how restraining orders work… I can dream!
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Post by mikklynn on Jul 29, 2022 14:31:31 GMT
I think your solution with the husbands adding on to the fence is a good one.
I also think your neighbor has mental health issues. I'd explain to your child that is has nothing to do with him and limit contact.
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quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,840
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Jul 29, 2022 14:40:16 GMT
Yeah, my guy is a stinker for sure. He's ADHD and a dopamine chaser, so thrills and boundary pushing are his favorite pastimes. The fence isn't terribly high, maybe 4 feet, so he can scale it no problem. Honestly, it could have been twice as high and he still would have climbed it. The going into the yard is a new boundary, so that is a learning experience. He did apologize for being rude. He knows better than that. At 5 turning 6, we're experiencing a whole new level of fixation and doing whatever you want, so it's time to adjust the parenting. At the end of the day, the kid has the sweetest heart on the planet. It's always the fine line of making sure his behavior is appropriate and not crushing his spark. Always the adventure!! Do you supervise or keep an eye on what is going on when your son is outside. You may think that he has the sweetest heart on the planet, but not everyone will think the same. A child should not be allowed to do whatever they want to do. There should be firm boundaries put in place and enforced, gently. Glad that you are not my neighbour.
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Post by destined2bmom on Jul 29, 2022 15:01:40 GMT
Wow, I hope that all of you can come to a solution. I am surprised that the HOA hasn’t already complained about the makeshift fence. Like someone already stated, she is unbalanced. Update us on how your meeting goes. After this, I wouldn’t want to have anything to do with them and I would feel sorry for her kids.
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Jul 29, 2022 15:03:04 GMT
Yeah, my guy is a stinker for sure. He's ADHD and a dopamine chaser, so thrills and boundary pushing are his favorite pastimes. The fence isn't terribly high, maybe 4 feet, so he can scale it no problem. Honestly, it could have been twice as high and he still would have climbed it. The going into the yard is a new boundary, so that is a learning experience. He did apologize for being rude. He knows better than that. At 5 turning 6, we're experiencing a whole new level of fixation and doing whatever you want, so it's time to adjust the parenting. At the end of the day, the kid has the sweetest heart on the planet. It's always the fine line of making sure his behavior is appropriate and not crushing his spark. Always the adventure!! Do you supervise or keep an eye on what is going on when your son is outside. You may think that he has the sweetest heart on the planet, but not everyone will think the same. A child should not be allowed to do whatever they want to do. There should be firm boundaries put in place and enforced, gently. Glad that you are not my neighbour. I didn’t take her post as saying that they let him do what he wants. Just that as he is getting older he is getting more independent and doesn’t always have the boundaries or impulse control that keeps him from doing things that might be inappropriate or others might find annoying. We used to have neighbors/friends who had a son that had adhd. He was about 5 when they moved last year. He would come and knock on the door but also push the door as if to just barge right in. He had a lot of energy, poor boundaries, and was just “a lot.” I’m not sure if that is the same issue with OP or not (it doesn’t really seem like they have had enough contact with the neighbors for it to be that annoying?) but either way, the neighbors aren’t handling the situation well.
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Post by questioning on Jul 29, 2022 15:17:24 GMT
WOW, not the update I expected, so much for cozy neighborhood friend! I suggest keeping your son busy with more attractive activities until school starts.Not fair to you, but maybe he'll bond with someone a little further away.
Sad, because like others have sad neighborhood memories are so fun. I've recently reconnected with the kids across the street from my elementary years. It's been sweet to share memories, especialy as our parents are aging. Good luck!
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Post by twinks on Jul 29, 2022 15:28:38 GMT
What a mess.
Growing up our house was the go to house. We had a trampoline, basketball court, large section of lawn (for an ice skating rink or playing all kinds of games) and a tree house. Our neighborhood was full of young families. Our next door neighbor announced that he would “sue if one of his kids got hurt while in our yard.” They were then not allowed to play in our yard. It was pathetic to see them standing next to the fence watching all of us playing outside.
Another thing that my parents did was we had a couple of rules. We were never allowed to just go over the back fence into someone else’s yard and vice versus. Front door only (or kitchen door) and be invited in to play. That helped immensely for the adults to know who and when the neighborhood children are in our yard playing. Perhaps you can work on that rule with your son.
As a consequence of the above rule, my dad put in place a flag outside our door. If the flag was out, then we were available to play. No flag, not available to play. Easy peasy. Perhaps something like that between households would be good. It is an easy visual reminder.
Another thing is, when people are in their backyards, they are there to enjoy family time. They don’t like to have another child who stares at them through the fence or shouts at them (see 1st example). It is not fun and is uncomfortable. My DD has boundary issues so we have had the rule of unless you can see the whites of their eyes, you do not talk to them or shout. Shouting is not appropriate.
Your DS is 5. He needs to be directly taught socialization skills and what is appropriate and not. At this age, children need to be supervised while they are playing. My mother always said that 3 children playing together is a bad combination. They always have squabbles. They need adults there to teach them to solve issues and to make sure everyone is included. Your son isn’t bad, he just needs to be taught the skills.
Hopefully you can get the fence issue solved and can also get some rules of engagement in place for the future. It is unfortunate the way things are right now. She sounds horribly on the defensive.
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quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,840
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Jul 29, 2022 16:13:40 GMT
We used to have neighbors/friends who had a son that had adhd. He was about 5 when they moved last year. He would come and knock on the door but also push the door as if to just barge right in. He had a lot of energy, poor boundaries, and was just “a lot.” I’m not sure if that is the same issue with OP or not (it doesn’t really seem like they have had enough contact with the neighbors for it to be that annoying?) but either way, the neighbors aren’t handling the situation well. It is not the responsibility of the neighbor to make sure that this child is entertained. The parents of this child need to supervise better. Trust me, as a person who had annoying child neighbors, more than once is often enough to realize that there will be a pattern. Your DS is 5. He needs to be directly taught socialization skills and what is appropriate and not. At this age, children need to be supervised while they are playing. My mother always said that 3 children playing together is a bad combination. They always have squabbles. They need adults there to teach them to solve issues and to make sure everyone is included. Your son isn’t bad, he just needs to be taught the skills. YES -- the mom thinks that their child is cute and really doesn't think that he teaching of social skills.
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Post by hopechest on Jul 29, 2022 17:04:59 GMT
Just a real quick address to parenting/behavior: We are working with therapists, his ped and school and working on boundaries and social skills. I don't let or want to let my kid do whatever. I very much understand that going over the fence is unacceptable. Like any parent, as kids grow and change, we adapt our parenting. We're not 100% by any means, but we do work very hard at it. I worry very much about the fine line between dimming his amazing spark and still making sure he is "socially acceptable". This is also just a message board, and I'll tend to be a little off the cuff and lighthearted about something that I actually take very seriously. This post/saga was really just a place to vent, commiserate and type out a crazy story to share.
We (the adults) did talk last night and it did not go well. At all.
They will be leaving the fence up as-is. They don't want to build a proper fence. It is their side and if they want to "decorate" it however they want it is their business. If we complain to HOA or whatever, they will make sure to never let their boys play with ours again, and "we will regret ever reporting them". They said they would press juvenile charges for trespassing against our kiddo. We are requested that when they are in the backyard, they have complete privacy. However, if the kids are all in the front, they are ok with them playing together. If we are in front, we are to be pleasant and nice to them. They didn't like that we were keeping to ourselves and ignoring them (the adults - we wouldn't ignore the kiddos).
All in all, I'm just really sad. In the beginning it was so great, and now it's just a horrible tense situation. Their kids want to play with mine as badly as mine wants to play with theirs. Just an hour before "the big talk" their kids had jumped over the fence to ours so they could talk to our kid. She came out, saw that they were over the fence and lost her effing mind on those poor kids. I know she didn't know I was out there.
So, in the back when their kids yell over to mine, I will simply walk over and tell them that I'm sorry my kid can't talk right now, we are giving them privacy. When we plan on going out front, if they come out, great. If not, great too. There are other kids in our group/neighborhood that he can play with, and we'll just shift focus there.
As for the fence, I can only hope the first storm rips the whole freaking thing down. Not sure sitting here today if throwing all the kids in as collateral damage is worth an official complaint. I'm also not going to be manipulated or blackmailed either. I have some thinking to do on that.
I hope you have enjoyed this episode of "As the cul-de-whack turns"......
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Post by Crack-a-lackin on Jul 29, 2022 17:20:38 GMT
Is this truly a shared fence? In many cases in my neighborhood there is only one fence but it is owned by one person, it is on their property line. Sometimes neighbors will help finance upkeep and repairs but legally the fence belongs to the one homeowner.
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gina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,305
Jun 26, 2014 1:59:16 GMT
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Post by gina on Jul 29, 2022 17:24:27 GMT
She's unhinged and I would want absolutely NOTHING to do with her. Stay away!
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Post by cade387 on Jul 29, 2022 17:25:43 GMT
ANOTHER UPDATE: Well -- thought we had the situation under control, but guess not. It's been about a month since our talk. We saw the crew out on the 4th of July. I tried to chat with the mom for a bit, neighbor friendly like, but she was in a mood, so I just went on and enjoyed the night with the kiddos. Everyone had some poppers and sparklers, all good fun. They were heading out camping, so I had asked if she was "all packed up" "excited for the trip". blah blah....and she snapped that it was all such a hassle, she ended up just yelling at everyone and she didn't enjoy it. Oookkaaayyy...moving on. Then there were several weeks of just life. We didn't see much of them, but whatevs. This last week, we noticed that one day they had nailed an extension onto our shared fence. Ugly wood and chicken wire to make it a few feet higher. We are in a nice neighborhood with a HOA. Definitely would not fly. We were in the backyard, and the next door boys told my kiddo "we had to put up a fence to keep you out!!" My kiddo was crying, saying he didn't go in the backyard anymore. The kids weren't mean about it or anything, just repeating what they heard - obviously. Still hurt my kids feelings. I mean how do you explain to a kid why someone built a FENCE to keep them out. My DH saw the dad in the back yard and just asked, like what the heck? Has our kid been in the yard again? I though we resolved this?? This is a shared fence, you can't just nail some shit up without talking to us. The dad was like, whatever -- talk to my wife. She wants this. A few minutes later my DH gets a text from the mom basically saying, "don't go through my husband, you have a problem come talk to me". My DH was on his way out of town, and responded that now wasn't a good time, they were leaving for camping trip anyway and we would talk later. Weekend passed, they came back. The next day they added a TARP to the ugly fence. The mom texted and asked if we could talk last night. We were just getting our kid to bed, had an extra dog over and just general mayhem was breaking loose. My DH texted back, can't right now - lots of things going on at the house, how about tomorrow? She texted back that she was going to be busy for the next several days but if we needed any help, let her know. 45 minutes later since he hadn't responded she texted back that "due to your non response, i assume you are fine with the fence. If it gets taken down I will have you charged with trespassing. what the actual fuck?? That sure escalated quickly. First, so I have to drop whatever I'm doing to hear why they think adding this shitty eyesore "fence" is acceptable? If I don't you're going to call the cops? You think a tarp is going to stop your kids or my kids from yelling to each other when they can clearly hear each other in the back yard? I'm NOT going to shush my kid, or shuffle him into the house every time I hear your kids in the back. GAH. They all will go to the same school, they live next door. It's not like we won't see them EVERY dang day!! So now I guess we are all talking again tonight. As much as I want to rumble in the 'sac, we're going to do our best to de-escalate the situation. My DH is going to suggest that he and the dad (both are handy) just take a couple days and they can bang out a section of 8" actual fence together. Split the cost of the materials. That way they can have their privacy or whatever and we don't have to look at a fucking tarp. I will however be mentally stabbing her with a sharp stick. It just makes me sad really. When we first moved in, everything was awesome. I'm not sure how we went from discussing cutting a hole in the fence so they can go back and forth freely to a fucking tarp in 6 months. That is more than my kid in the back yard a couple of times. There's more to the story over there. Either way you need to have HOA approval to do anything. I would take photos of what they did so you both don’t get fined for it. But she sounds messed up and I would try to have a third party/other neighbor witness this
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Post by belgravia on Jul 29, 2022 17:27:30 GMT
Holy shit. Those neighbours would be dead to me. And I would definitely involve the HOA regarding whatever additions they made to our shared fence. I’d make that fence as high and imposing as I could, within HOA guidelines.
It sounds like you’re addressing your son’s behavioural issues and will continue to do so, which is great. Your neighbours sound vile.
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Post by katlady on Jul 29, 2022 17:28:12 GMT
They will be leaving the fence up as-is. They don't want to build a proper fence. It is their side and if they want to "decorate" it however they want it is their business. If we complain to HOA or whatever, they will make sure to never let their boys play with ours again, and "we will regret ever reporting them". They said they would press juvenile charges for trespassing against our kiddo. We are requested that when they are in the backyard, they have complete privacy. However, if the kids are all in the front, they are ok with them playing together. If we are in front, we are to be pleasant and nice to them. They didn't like that we were keeping to ourselves and ignoring them (the adults - we wouldn't ignore the kiddos). WTF?! She/They have issues. Sorry it did not work out!
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