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Post by Dictionary on Mar 18, 2015 15:35:34 GMT
After reading your update it got me to thinking about my dd who had been sexually assaulted in some manner by her father (we were long divorced at this point) and she was a teenager who was being rebellious and we had gotten her into counseling and one of the first things the counselor told us was to expect my dd to blame my current husband, her step-dad and accuse him of possibly sexual assault. She told this is called Transference, in that as she starts to deal with the real problems she will outwardly project those onto other males close to her. I wonder if this is also a possibility with your DD. Just some more food for thought.
HUGS and I do mean BIG HUGS to you and your family because this is not an easy road to go down. I pray you are able to get through this mess quickly and find some level of happiness again.
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Post by jumperhop on Mar 18, 2015 15:52:06 GMT
Hugs! I am so sorry you are going through this. Jen
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uksue
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,531
Location: London
Jun 25, 2014 22:33:20 GMT
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Post by uksue on Mar 18, 2015 16:16:36 GMT
Drowning, you have my continued prayers.
If you want someone in the UK to vent to, please send me a private message. It is sometimes easier to talk to somoen completely outside your circle of friends and family, and I do have some experience in child protection work. My daughter was raped, as was my. God- daughter. Different situations but I do have a little empathy.
You must fond some way of keeping yourself safe in all of this.
You have had some great advice here- Lexica,putabuttononit and lefturnonly very practical advice.
For those querying the action of the psych hospital- it is all too common here, I'm afraid. I heard these sorts of situations all the time when I worked on the community and I don't actually think it is unique to the UK- unfortunately psych services seem to be Cinderella services in many countries. On top of the taboo that still exists around mental illness it is a horrible combination.
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Post by pb on Mar 18, 2015 17:25:39 GMT
OP - I picture you with the many loving arms of the Peas wrapped around you. All of us are doing what we can do send you thoughts of peace, strength, and healing. Sometimes all you can do is just one small step at a time. Just know you are not walking alone.
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georgiapea
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,846
Jun 27, 2014 18:02:10 GMT
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Post by georgiapea on Mar 18, 2015 18:51:21 GMT
OP, this is all so very sad. And that the hospital didn't keep her last night seems very wrong and uncaring on their part. I hope your husband comes home soon to be with you and talk to the officials.
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mlana
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,523
Jun 27, 2014 19:58:15 GMT
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Post by mlana on Mar 20, 2015 18:24:02 GMT
Drowning, I have been thinking of you and your family. Y'all are still in my prayers.
Marcy
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Post by nyxish on Mar 20, 2015 19:21:38 GMT
i am just so sorry. i can't even imagine how you feel
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Post by quinlove on Mar 20, 2015 19:34:28 GMT
OP - I picture you with the many loving arms of the Peas wrapped around you. All of us are doing what we can do send you thoughts of peace, strength, and healing. Sometimes all you can do is just one small step at a time. Just know you are not walking alone. ^^^^^^^^^^^ This. Many many hugs.
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Post by SunnySmile on Mar 20, 2015 21:20:51 GMT
I'm so so sorry this is happening to you. I have a prayer in my heart for you.
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Post by christine58 on Mar 22, 2015 18:57:11 GMT
Any further update??
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luckyexwife
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,069
Jun 25, 2014 21:21:08 GMT
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Post by luckyexwife on Mar 23, 2015 14:47:50 GMT
drowning How is your family doing? I'm still praying for all of you. ((Hugs))
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gina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,305
Jun 26, 2014 1:59:16 GMT
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Post by gina on Mar 23, 2015 14:57:50 GMT
Please, please get professional help for yourself. NOT with your DDs counselor. And perhaps a second opinion for your DD? Can you switch counselors and get your daughter some new, fresh help? And then of course, professional help for the rest of you as well. I am very sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine.
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georgiapea
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,846
Jun 27, 2014 18:02:10 GMT
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Post by georgiapea on Mar 23, 2015 19:00:16 GMT
Did your hubby come home this weekend. We are all so very concerned about your family.
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Post by putabuttononit on Mar 23, 2015 19:06:31 GMT
Prayers continuing for each member of your family. I hope there is somebody, or a team, working with you that is not just qualified, but outstanding in this area. I hope they are balanced and keep their eyes open to each and every possibility and outcome. I hope they focus on helping your family not only accept the reality, but move forward and heal in every way, drawing strength from one another.
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Mar 23, 2015 21:07:52 GMT
I too have had this situation on my heart all weekend. Drowning I hope things are calm and everyone is safe. *hug*
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drowning
New Member
Posts: 8
Mar 14, 2015 16:34:21 GMT
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Post by drowning on Mar 23, 2015 23:03:42 GMT
Thank you all once more for your continued support, prayers and thoughts. Whenever I feel myself getting overwhelmed again, I remember all of the comments I've had, and it really helps.
It's been rough. The CID came to see my daughter last Wednesday, and she asked to speak to them without me. I was terrified about what she was going to say, but the male officer came out after a while and told me she had confirmed she didn't want them involved. He said she did seem unsure as to what might have been a dream, and what was real. Both officers were lovely, very sympathetic to the whole situation, and very gentle with DD. They said they wanted to speak to her psychiatrist to confirm her diagnoses, and also to her counsellor. (The counsellor told us later that they had phoned her, but she declined to speak to them.). The female officer called me today to say that they were not going to pursue it any further at the moment, but that obviously, DD could go back to them at any point. She also confirmed that when my DH comes home for weekends, he will not stay with us overnight.
At this moment, I am still in such turmoil. However, I would rather that my husband, if he is guilty, is not charged, than have him be innocent, and in the system. Does that make sense?
DD was in a terrible state on Friday night. She had phoned the Mental Health Crisis Team who had advised her to go the hospital, as she was quite sure she would not be able to keep herself safe overnight. We sat in a room in A&E talking to the mental health admissions nurse who flatly refused to admit her. He told her she would be better at home, trying all the distraction techniques she employs. She was breaking her heart, and I was so angry. I asked just how much in crisis one had to be to get admitted, he said he would get the Crisis Team to visit over the weekend, and left. Care In The Community sounds like a great idea, until you realise that it's the (unqualified, inexperienced) family who is doing the care. So I had to bring her home again, and more or less tie her to me. All Day Saturday, if I wasn't with her, then DS was. On Saturday night, I fell asleep, and woke up to find she wasn't there. I found her in the bathroom, and she had ingested a whole bottle of Calpol. That's paediatric acetaminophen to the non-Brits. I checked the amount, and realised that she had not taken enough to cause any damage, so brought her to bed with me. But at 6.30am she woke me to say she had terrible abdominal pain, and was going to get her blood levels checked. I was so angry with her. I knew she was safe - if hurting - but once she gets into that state of mind, I cannot change her mind.
Naturally, her blood levels were fine, so four hours later, she came home again. And since then, she's been okay. The meltdown state has passed.
I spoke to DD's counsellor last week, and told her of my misgivings. I also told her how even the psychiatrist that DD saw twice-weekly for three years once told me that DD was still a mystery to her in many ways. I suggested, gently, that she might not have sussed DD out as much as she thought she had.
I contacted a counselling agency last week for myself, and someone called me today to get some background. They will be able to offer me an appointment in a couple of weeks.
Outwith CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services), I am unaware of any family therapy service. We don't yet have the same provision in the UK as you have in the US. I'm still looking though.
My DS has not been at school since he found out. I explained the situation to his Guidance teacher, who worked extensively with DD when she was at school. She phoned this morning and said that they think they should withdraw DS from the national exams which start after Easter, because he has missed a lot of school in the last year. I feel so bad for him. He has decided he is just going to leave school and try to find a job. At this point, I think that might be the best option for him.
Thanks again to everyone. It's very comforting to know you are always here when I need someone.
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Post by Really Red on Mar 23, 2015 23:16:14 GMT
Just lots and lots of hugs. I cannot imagine the horror of what you're going through and the struggles your DD is having and you with her. I wish there were an easy solution, but I know you're all in pain and trying to do your very best. I hope your DD gets the care she needs.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 5:26:10 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2015 23:20:25 GMT
I think that your DD needs inpatient in depth care. I'd be willing to do anything I could to help her and that would include involuntary commitment.
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Nicole in TX
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,951
Jun 26, 2014 2:00:21 GMT
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Post by Nicole in TX on Mar 23, 2015 23:29:35 GMT
How close is your son to graduating? It would be terrible for everyone's problems to prevent him from getting a high school diploma.
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gloryjoy
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,332
Jun 26, 2014 12:35:32 GMT
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Post by gloryjoy on Mar 23, 2015 23:30:01 GMT
I'm so very sorry to read your updates. My heart goes out to you and your family, you're in my thoughts and prayers.
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back to *pea*ality
Pearl Clutcher
Not my circus, not my monkeys ~refugee pea #59
Posts: 3,149
Jun 25, 2014 19:51:11 GMT
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Mar 23, 2015 23:38:41 GMT
You have your hands full with your daughter but I think you son's needs are taking a back seat to hers. Perhaps it would be best to withdraw from this school year but he should go back. Would it be possible for a loving relative (or even his dad if you feel the abuse did not happen) take him in? He may thrive in a stable environment outside of this constant stress and chaos.
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Post by ceepea on Mar 24, 2015 0:11:59 GMT
I wish so much that I could bring you all over here. Maybe we could get her some help in the US. Or just to take turns with you being with her so you can get some sleep. I feel horrible for your son. Do you have online schooling there? Here you can take all your classes online through a virtual school. He will need his diploma for later in his life.
How is your husband handling this? What is he saying? If he is innocent and his family is going through all of this by themselves he must be feeling horrible about not being there. Can he take some leave time or vacation days just to be closer to you?
I will continue to keep you in my prayers.
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Post by Zee on Mar 24, 2015 0:48:00 GMT
I feel so bad for your son. He's probably been getting everyone's leftovers for years after dealing with his sister. Honestly, the daily overdoses and endless drama would be enough for me to try and seek permanent placement in a facility for her, but I imagine that must be as difficult over there as it is here. I just couldn't continue to put her endless unfixable needs in front of my son, honestly. I don't think his leaving school and getting a job is in his best interests for his future and it sounds like he doesn't have a lot of support because everyone is busy with his sister. He's the one I feel worst for, but then again he maybe has a chance at normalcy once he leaves the home. You seem trapped forever, and I'm so sad for you and for your DD who it seems isn't going to ever be able to function on her own.
I'm glad you're getting some support for yourself. You surely need it.
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Post by christine58 on Mar 24, 2015 0:59:13 GMT
Your daughter needs some long term inpatient help. Your DS is getting the short end of the stick. Quit school and get a job--hell no~ Find him a family to go live with so that he can matter for once.
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drowning
New Member
Posts: 8
Mar 14, 2015 16:34:21 GMT
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Post by drowning on Mar 24, 2015 1:27:31 GMT
How close is your son to graduating? It would be terrible for everyone's problems to prevent him from getting a high school diploma. We don't have high school graduations in Scotland. Kids can leave school when they're 16, as long as they have completed four years of secondary education. Most stay on for a fifth or sixth year however, in order to increase their qualifications. DS is a clever young man, but he has never been academic, and I had to persuade him to return for a fifth year rather than look for a job or apprenticeship. He just wants to work, and has no interest in going to college or university.
You have your hands full with your daughter but I think you son's needs are taking a back seat to hers. Perhaps it would be best to withdraw from this school year but he should go back. Would it be possible for a loving relative (or even his dad if you feel the abuse did not happen) take him in? He may thrive in a stable environment outside of this constant stress and chaos. There are no 'loving relatives' apart from his very elderly grandparents who live in a small village in the Highlands. His girlfriend is trying to arrange for the two of them to spend the summer working in her uncle's vineyard in Italy. I would love this to happen, and think getting away would be the best thing for him. There is no way he will return to school for a sixth year - he truly hates being there. I think he will probably go and live with DH, as he is in a city with many opportunities. Your daughter needs some long term inpatient help. Your DS is getting the short end of the stick. Quit school and get a job--hell no~ Find him a family to go live with so that he can matter for once. [/b] Please do not suggest my son does not matter to me. I find that offensive in the extreme. I have always made time for my son, even on nights when all I want to do is crawl into bed and never wake up. He and I are extremely close, and he knows that he is every bit as important as his sister. Yes, unfortunately he has had to grow up faster than I would have liked, but until fairly recently, he was sheltered from much of his sister's illness. He is the light of my life, and there is nothing I want more than to help him do what is right for him.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 5:26:10 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2015 1:45:42 GMT
drowning can you have her committed? She obviously is doing things to try to get serious attention..the pills, the accusations, threats to harm herself..i She's screaming for it..just in the only way she knows how.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Mar 24, 2015 1:56:11 GMT
How close is your son to graduating? It would be terrible for everyone's problems to prevent him from getting a high school diploma. Seriously, he needs to do whatever he can to make sure he can finish school. And, I will say this gently, perhaps it is a bit much for him to have to babysit his older sister to make sure she doesn't end her life. That is a huge weight for him to carry. Not that it is easy for you to carry it, but I just don't think it should ever be his to carry.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Mar 24, 2015 1:56:44 GMT
You have your hands full with your daughter but I think you son's needs are taking a back seat to hers. Perhaps it would be best to withdraw from this school year but he should go back. Would it be possible for a loving relative (or even his dad if you feel the abuse did not happen) take him in? He may thrive in a stable environment outside of this constant stress and chaos. Agree a 100%!
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Post by darkangel090260 on Mar 24, 2015 2:17:22 GMT
Has your daughter has any of the warring sighs in the pasted. Since she said this all started
Acting out in an inappropriate sexual way with toys or objects Nightmares, sleeping problems Becoming withdrawn or very clingy Becoming unusually secretive Sudden unexplained personality changes, mood swings and seeming insecure Regressing to younger behaviours, e.g. bedwetting Unaccountable fear of particular places or people Outburst of anger Changes in eating habits New adult words for body parts and no obvious source Talk of a new, older friend and unexplained money or gifts Self-harm (cutting, burning or other harmful activities) Physical signs, such as, unexplained soreness or bruises around genitals or mouth, sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy Running away Not wanting to be alone with a particular person
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Mar 24, 2015 2:17:29 GMT
Man - I can't even imagine how frustrating this must be for you. I'm so mad at the hospital people I want to call them up myself! As someone else has said, what else does she have to do for her to be considered "high risk"?
You are such a strong Momma - we are here for you!
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