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Post by BuckeyeSandy on Mar 17, 2015 0:26:34 GMT
A small update, for what it's worth. So now I'm still conflicted and I'm still in hell. I can see no way out of this, and my poor son is working so hard to try to keep me positive. He totally believes his dad, unwaveringly so. This situation is going to end up destroying all of us. Dear G-d in heaven I do so pray that is not so. I can't read your posts without feeling helpless, all I can offer is prayers for your family. You are not alone, your family is not alone. We may not be able to provide comfort and support in person, but you all are in our hearts, thoughts and prayers.
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Rainbow
Pearl Clutcher
Where salt is in the air and sand is at my feet...
Posts: 4,103
Jun 26, 2014 5:57:41 GMT
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Post by Rainbow on Mar 17, 2015 0:29:16 GMT
drowning, you need professional help....you all do.....this is too huge to deal with alone. A bomb has gone off in the midst of your family and it's no wonder you're struggling.
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Post by hop2 on Mar 17, 2015 0:33:28 GMT
Oh dear lord you have a super heavy burden to deal with. Hopefully someone can get to the bottom of this and find the truth so you can all begin to pick up the pieces.
My heart goes out to you along with positive thoughts and prayers.
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Post by ilikepink on Mar 17, 2015 0:44:25 GMT
I'm so sorry for you and your entire family that you have to go through this awful experience. There is no right answer, and there is no easy way out. As others have said - you have to be a mom first and protect your daughter and it may be a very long time before your daughter feels completely safe. Take deep breaths and do what you need to do--good counseling for everyone in your family. This is going to be a marathon for all of you. And we are always here--this is one of the many times when a village of women comes in handy.
Hugs.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 5:17:44 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 17, 2015 1:18:44 GMT
You will get through this. So will your family. I am sure it feels unbearable right now but try not to feel hopeless. Reach out to those around you especially professionals. This is a lot for any one person to process. At least you know your daughter is safe for the night. Try to get some rest although I am sure that is hard. Take care of yourself. Make sure you are eating (it's hard to think clearly without sleep and food). I am praying for you.
My heart breaks also for those who have shared their stories of incest or molestation. I am a sexual abuse survivor myself and I know these things can sometimes trigger feelings. So big hugs to all of you too!
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Post by momof3pits on Mar 17, 2015 1:30:32 GMT
I'm so very sorry for all of you. What a terrible situation. I'm sending you hugs and prayers.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 5:17:44 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 17, 2015 1:32:37 GMT
I'm so, so sorry this is happening to you and your family. I agree with the other Refupeas who suggest getting professional help for all of you. My thoughts and prayers will be with you.
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Post by Linda on Mar 17, 2015 1:38:41 GMT
praying for all of you and agreeing with everyone who suggests professional help.
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Post by CarolinaGirl71 on Mar 17, 2015 1:42:09 GMT
I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this. Praying for the truth to be known, and proper counseling for everyone.
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Post by CarolinaGirl71 on Mar 17, 2015 1:43:30 GMT
I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this. Praying for the truth to be known, and proper counseling for everyone.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 5:17:45 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 17, 2015 1:54:58 GMT
I'm confused. Are the police involved yet? Personally, I don't think it's up to you to have to figure out the truth here. I would assume that would require an investigation of some kind. You're in the middle, clearly...so how do you choose who to believe? You want to believe them both.
I totally agree about counseling for the entire family.
But I can't help but wonder if the police have done anything yet and where they stand in their investigation
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 5:17:45 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 17, 2015 3:43:46 GMT
I am so sorry you are all going through this. As everyone else has said, you must get professional help.
And involve the police.
And please, believe your daughter until/unless there is PROOF to the contrary. No matter WHAT your husband says. You cannot betray her. That has happened to her far too much in her short life.
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luckyexwife
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,069
Jun 25, 2014 21:21:08 GMT
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Post by luckyexwife on Mar 17, 2015 12:32:48 GMT
A small update, for what it's worth. I decided yesterday about 1pm that I couldn't bear it any longer and drove down to speak to my husband. Of course I had to tell my son why I was leaving so unexpectedly, and he immediately said that his dad would never touch his sister. After 400 miles, roadworks, road closures that led me to get lost for about an hour, I finally arrived at his flat. He was shocked to see me of course, and even more shocked when I told him why I was there. He was absolutely adamant that he had never ever touched her and certainly had never raped her. He was shaking and and so so sad, and I believed him. And now I've come home, and I've been trying to find the words I need to get through to my daughter. I've told her that I don't think she's lying to me, that I believe she believes her dad did this, and that we need to find out why she thinks this. The look she gave me was unbearable. She thinks I've let her down and betrayed her. I probably have. I told her why certain details bothered me (like the last time she said he raped her, I actually spent most of both nights wide awake. I've got used to sleeping on my own, and when my husband is home, he lies and snores and farts all night.) When we were with her counsellor last week, she told us that abusive fathers will work to keep mum and daughter from having a close relationship. My husband is the opposite; he is aware of the difficult relationship I had with my own mum, and was always trying to ensure that DD and I were closer. It seems so clear when I'm with either one of them; I know my husband so well and believe him, but my daughter looked so defeated when I spoke to her. If this is true, and I've told I don't think it is, then I deserve to die. I want to howl and howl because I don't know what to do. My daughter has just left in a taxi to go to the hospital; she doesn't think she can stay safe tonight, and she wants to be admitted. She did the same thing last night, but the duty psychiatrist didn't think an admission would be of any benefit. So now I'm still conflicted and I'm still in hell. I can see no way out of this, and my poor son is working so hard to try to keep me positive. He totally believes his dad, unwaveringly so. This situation is going to end up destroying all of us. drowning How is your DD today? Was she admitted to the hospital? Praying for you and your family.
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my3freaks
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,206
Location: NH girl living in Colorado
Jun 26, 2014 4:10:56 GMT
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Post by my3freaks on Mar 17, 2015 19:57:38 GMT
I'm so sorry for what your family is going through. I wish I had some magic words of help or comfort for you. Just know that you ARE being thought of and prayed for by so many people and you have a safe place to vent here.
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Rhondito
Pearl Clutcher
MississipPea
Posts: 4,798
Jun 25, 2014 19:33:19 GMT
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Post by Rhondito on Mar 17, 2015 20:19:28 GMT
A small update, for what it's worth. I've told her that I don't think she's lying to me, that I believe she believes her dad did this, and that we need to find out why she thinks this. Would it have been better to tell her this while she was with her counselor? It just seems to me that I would take all precautions with someone who is so unstable? I'm so sorry this is happening. Your heart must feel like it's being pulled in a thousand directions.
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drowning
New Member
Posts: 8
Mar 14, 2015 16:34:21 GMT
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Post by drowning on Mar 18, 2015 1:37:17 GMT
drowning How is your DD today? Was she admitted to the hospital? Praying for you and your family. Thank you for asking. She was not admitted to hospital, despite some drama after she arrived. The hospital had called me to see if she had come home, because they couldn't find her. Long story short, three police units were out searching for, and they found her lying around the side of the hospital, with her phone charger tied around her neck. However, the psychiatrist told me afterwards that she was more likely to have died from hypothermia as the cable was not tight enough to have strangled her (although it was tight enough to burst tiny blood vessels all over her face - I have seen this many times before.) He decided that an admission would be counter-productive and sent her home with me. My DD was diagnosed last year with Unstable Emotional Personality Disorder, or Borderline Personality Disorder as it used to be known. This diagnosis has never sat comfortably; many of the behaviours typical of it are very similar to Aspergers, although the reasons for them are quite different. However, I am scared that they may be right after all, as such a condition can include a kind of 'warped' reality. Today I spoke to a CID officer who is coming to speak to DD tomorrow. I gave her some of the background of DD's illness, but it is obviously up to the police to decide what they want to do next. My husband wanted to come up this weekend to talk to the police (he would stay with my friend) but the detective said that it would be better for him not to come home just yet. I have told my DD that she is safe, that whether or not her dad abused her, she is safe, and that no matter what happens in the future, she is safe. I really hope she doesn't give a statement to the police, but all I have said to her is that once she does, there is no way back. But I have stressed it is completely up to her. The detective I spoke to basically said the same, and that tomorrow they just want to outline DD's options for her, and to tell her what will happen next depending on what she decides to do. I am just exhausted tonight. It's 1.30am here, and I am so wired. I have a full day tomorrow, and I need to keep my wits about me, but I can't concentrate on anything. DD sees her counsellor again tomorrow, and I'm not quite sure how to handle her. I do want to let her know that some of her comments last week suggested she is too involved. (She also told DD that she thought they had a very strong bond and that she would never forget her, would always admire her strength and hard work.) DD has a desperate need for praise and approval, and they may well have unwittingly lead each other down this path. Who the hell knows anymore?
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Post by txdancermom on Mar 18, 2015 1:43:44 GMT
continued hugs and prayers for you, and your family.
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Post by Blind Squirrel on Mar 18, 2015 1:45:17 GMT
I'm so sorry for everything your family has gone through and is going through.
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Mar 18, 2015 2:00:10 GMT
drowning How is your DD today? Was she admitted to the hospital? Praying for you and your family. Thank you for asking. She was not admitted to hospital, despite some drama after she arrived. The hospital had called me to see if she had come home, because they couldn't find her. Long story short, three police units were out searching for, and they found her lying around the side of the hospital, with her phone charger tied around her neck. However, the psychiatrist told me afterwards that she was more likely to have died from hypothermia as the cable was not tight enough to have strangled her (although it was tight enough to burst tiny blood vessels all over her face - I have seen this many times before.) He decided that an admission would be counter-productive and sent her home with me.My DD was diagnosed last year with Unstable Emotional Personality Disorder, or Borderline Personality Disorder as it used to be known. This diagnosis has never sat comfortably; many of the behaviours typical of it are very similar to Aspergers, although the reasons for them are quite different. However, I am scared that they may be right after all, as such a condition can include a kind of 'warped' reality. Today I spoke to a CID officer who is coming to speak to DD tomorrow. I gave her some of the background of DD's illness, but it is obviously up to the police to decide what they want to do next. My husband wanted to come up this weekend to talk to the police (he would stay with my friend) but the detective said that it would be better for him not to come home just yet. I have told my DD that she is safe, that whether or not her dad abused her, she is safe, and that no matter what happens in the future, she is safe. I really hope she doesn't give a statement to the police, but all I have said to her is that once she does, there is no way back. But I have stressed it is completely up to her. The detective I spoke to basically said the same, and that tomorrow they just want to outline DD's options for her, and to tell her what will happen next depending on what she decides to do. I am just exhausted tonight. It's 1.30am here, and I am so wired. I have a full day tomorrow, and I need to keep my wits about me, but I can't concentrate on anything. DD sees her counsellor again tomorrow, and I'm not quite sure how to handle her. I do want to let her know that some of her comments last week suggested she is too involved. (She also told DD that she thought they had a very strong bond and that she would never forget her, would always admire her strength and hard work.) DD has a desperate need for praise and approval, and they may well have unwittingly lead each other down this path. Who the hell knows anymore? WHAAATTT?
Please forgive me for being judgmental, but the medical professionals who are supposedly specialized in helping people with mental illness, know her history/diagnoses, are aware of the reason she's in crisis, and LOST TRACK OF HER WHILE SHE WAS IN THEIR CARE, then find her in the condition she was in, don't think she needs to be admitted???!!! Good Heavens, that blows my mind. How frustrating it must be for you, trying to cope with this, to have to bring her back home with you.
I am absolutely amazed at the depth and strength of your love and care for her. I seriously doubt I could be so strong - you are doing everything in your power (and beyond) to take care of her, and that is to be commended. I just can't imagine.
Are there any other options for you/her in terms of therapists and psychiatrists/hospitals? I would think this qualifies for an emergency situation. Perhaps the detective you visit with tomorrow could assist you with an emergency hospitalization elsewhere?
My prayers for your continued strength and courage and comfort continue.
P.S. Your husband is also to be commended, it sounds as if he is handling this as well as can be expected.
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Post by 1girlygirl on Mar 18, 2015 2:02:20 GMT
I am just so sad for you, your daughter, your entire family really. No one will walked out of this without pain or hurt, but stay strong because you will get through it. You all remain in my thoughts and prayers that everyone will get the help they need.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 5:17:45 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2015 2:05:55 GMT
I think you are handling this very rationally and wisely, and that can't be easy for you. I feel for your husband and your daughter - I guess at this point I'm going with your belief he is innocent, and in that case, he must be feeling so terrible and scared and sick. And how she must be coping, or, well, I guess she's not very well at the moment. I know she must be suffering greatly.
I really, really hope you have some in person support OP: a friend, a therapist, a church leader, a relative - someone. You need support. (((hugs)))
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Post by leftturnonly on Mar 18, 2015 2:40:15 GMT
drowning - {{{Hugs}}} Breathe. Make a list of things that you know are true: 1) Your daughter has a history of some kind of emotional/mental disorder that isn't fully understood yet. 2) Your daughter was sexually abused at a public restroom. 3) Your husband on occasion has drunk too much. 4) Your daughter's behavior at this time is not normal and is behavior she has displayed before (gathered from your description of how she was found outside the hospital). Make a list of what your gut is telling you: 1) Something does not ring true to you with what has come from the sessions with the counselor. 2) You still believe your husband after looking him dead in the eye to gauge his expressions and unconsciously gauge his microexpressions. 3) You believe your daughter believes what she has said is true. Make a list of what others are telling you: 1) Your son does not believe this is true. 2) People on this thread have a lot of experience that abuse can happen within a home and others not know it. 3) People on this thread have concern that something is off with the counselling sessions. Those are just some examples to get you started. Hold on to what you know and don't confuse that with what you suspect. In other words, breathe and try hard not to let your emotions fully take control of you. You feel like you're drowning when it's all emotion all the time, so find some facts and dig in there. It's hard. It isn't fair. It's horrible every way you look at it and you don't know how you can go on, but you will go on. You will make it through. And even though you can't see it, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Remember that. Lifting your whole family up in prayer.
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Post by pattipea on Mar 18, 2015 12:52:36 GMT
drowning - {{{Hugs}}} Breathe. Make a list of things that you know are true: 1) Your daughter has a history of some kind of emotional/mental disorder that isn't fully understood yet. 2) Your daughter was sexually abused at a public restroom. 3) Your husband on occasion has drunk too much. 4) Your daughter's behavior at this time is not normal and is behavior she has displayed before (gathered from your description of how she was found outside the hospital). Make a list of what your gut is telling you: 1) Something does not ring true to you with what has come from the sessions with the counselor. 2) You still believe your husband after looking him dead in the eye to gauge his expressions and unconsciously gauge his microexpressions. 3) You believe your daughter believes what she has said is true. Make a list of what others are telling you: 1) Your son does not believe this is true. 2) People on this thread have a lot of experience that abuse can happen within a home and others not know it. 3) People on this thread have concern that something is off with the counselling sessions. Those are just some examples to get you started. Hold on to what you know and don't confuse that with what you suspect. In other words, breathe and try hard not to let your emotions fully take control of you. You feel like you're drowning when it's all emotion all the time, so find some facts and dig in there. It's hard. It isn't fair. It's horrible every way you look at it and you don't know how you can go on, but you will go on. You will make it through. And even though you can't see it, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Remember that. Lifting your whole family up in prayer. leftturnonly, in this continual downward spiraling place where the OP is at right now, that is some very kind and intelligent advice. drowning - it's got to be next to impossible to know what to think and what to do, just know that you remain in the thoughts and prayers of so many of us here, and you will get through this. Not quick enough, and not without some scars, but you will get through. (((HUGS)))
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Post by mellowyellow on Mar 18, 2015 13:05:17 GMT
I don't have any words of advice but you and your family have been on my mind constantly since you shared your story. Big hugs to you and everybody involved. I cannot even imagine the pain. Sending prayers for your family.
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Post by melissak on Mar 18, 2015 13:14:59 GMT
You and your family are in my thoughts. I truly hope at the end of all of this you are all able to fine peace and understanding.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Mar 18, 2015 13:18:24 GMT
I know this will not be a popular opinion but I think you should talk to your husband and listen to what he has to say. I say this because I remember your story quite well and I know that your daughter has been severely mentally unstable for quite some time. If this has truly been going on down the hall for the past 12 years, he'll find himself justly jailed. There is, however, a possibility that it's not true. Talk to your husband. Reading to this post so far, I would also talk to your DH first before doing anything, not that I would doubt your DD's story, it would not be the first time that someone was unjustly accused, so I would at least discuss first.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Mar 18, 2015 13:27:32 GMT
Alarm bells here. How would the counsellor know how your husband will respond? That seems like a very strange thing to say. It just doesn't sit right with me and, being a psychologist, I'm loathe to criticize another mental health professional, but that's a very strange thing to say. She works for a charity that deals only with victims of sexual abuse. She has worked there for a long time and has a lot of experience. I would imagine she said this because she knows that this is often how abusers react; trying to discredit their victim. And, on the other side of the coin with this, if she Always represents the one side, she may likely be not open to the idea that the victim could be lying. I agree with another poster that it is a very weird thing to say.
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scrapnnana
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,343
Jun 29, 2014 18:58:47 GMT
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Post by scrapnnana on Mar 18, 2015 15:00:16 GMT
Is there any physical evidence to support her allegations? I'm wondering if perhaps these "memories" are actually planted or imagined? I have to admit, this thought also occurred to me, mainly because of what happened to a family member. In the case of our family member, the person giving him counseling convinced him of things that simply were not true. For example, that his mother had locked him in a closet as punishment. His older brother, who shared the room, remembers the punishment only as his younger brother being sent to his room. The older brother wasn't allowed into the room, which he didn't like, because it was his room, too, but the door was not locked. The father of both says that the younger boy was never locked in the closet, just sent to his (unlocked) room. My experiences with the father have convinced me that the father is a man of integrity, and I knew the mother. She was the sweetest, most loving individual I ever knew, yet her son ended up convinced by this therapist that she was mentally unbalanced. It is called "false recovered memory syndrome." It has been known to happen when a counselor makes suggestions, at least sometimes while the patient is under hypnosis, and which the patient ends up "remembering" but which never actually happened. I am not discounting your daughter's evident belief that she was molested by her father. Nor am I saying that he is innocent, since it is a tragic and unfortunate fact that many men molest their daughters or other dependents. I knew a family that happened to. The father molested his step-daughter, and the mother went through exactly what you are going through. She had him arrested, and he was indeed guilty. However, considering your daughter's mental history, I would want to be very sure that she has not experienced false recovered memory syndrome. If your husband is actually innocent, it would be very devastating to be accused. I think the poster who suggested that you sleep with your daughter on the nights your husband is home, made a good suggestion. Your daughter feels protected by you, and you can have a camera record the entire night (and every night), so you can know that nothing happened even if you doze off. I am so sorry that you and your family are going through all of this. It must be absolutely devastating, whether your daughter is right in believing she was molested by her father or not.
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Post by ceepea on Mar 18, 2015 15:08:14 GMT
Drowning, you DO NOT deserve to die. No matter what. Don't even think that thought. You have been given an almost impossible burden to carry, but there will be a final outcome. Most importantly, your daughter's life. Please do not let her go anywhere alone again. If she tried to strangle herself outside of the hospital she is not safe alone anywhere. I might be over-protective but I would even be sleeping with her. Her life needs to be protected.
I do not know how it works in your country, but I believe here in the US, a suicide attempt results in at least a 72 hour hold in a facility. How could they find her like that and let her leave??
I wish I could be there personally for you, just know that your family is in all of our thoughts and prayers.
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Kerri W
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,790
Location: Kentucky
Jun 25, 2014 20:31:44 GMT
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Post by Kerri W on Mar 18, 2015 15:15:27 GMT
drowning-Please read this as my thinking out loud and NOT critical in any way. As a mom, I know I would have the same feelings you are having and would want to help in any way possible. It seems as if you are in contact with the counselor or attend the sessions with your DD? But it also seems you're removed from the emergency visits to the hospital...is that correct? My interpretation of your last post is that they are dismissive of your DD when she goes to the emergency room. Would it help if you went with her? Would they take the situation more seriously?
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