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Post by *leslie* on May 6, 2016 18:41:01 GMT
I agree with much of what has been said above, but I wanted to add this one thought. My experience, over 40+ years of adulthood watching family and friends go through this, is that when a woman leaves for what looks like no good reason, it's usually because she's been miserable for years and was just waiting for the kids to grow up to re-invent herself. When a man leaves for what looks like no good reason, there's another woman involved that he just hasn't admitted to yet. ^^^^^yeah, occasionally there was some hidden problem in the marriage like abuse, infidelity, or alcoholism that caused him to leave, that those looking in from the outside can't see. But I would bet that at least 90% of the time, it's another woman. Men don't just pack up and leave because they're bored or annoyed. I totally agree. I really never believe when a spouse says that they were blindsided when the other spouse leaves. They just didn't pay attention. I think women are checked out for years before they actually leave. They've tried for years to fix the marriage by talking to their husband. Husband might try to work on the marriage for a bit then they stop. The wife gives up and he thinks everything must be okay because she's stop nagging him about the marriage. Then she leaves and he's like, "What?!"
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Post by jeremysgirl on May 6, 2016 18:47:56 GMT
I agree with much of what has been said above, but I wanted to add this one thought. My experience, over 40+ years of adulthood watching family and friends go through this, is that when a woman leaves for what looks like no good reason, it's usually because she's been miserable for years and was just waiting for the kids to grow up to re-invent herself. When a man leaves for what looks like no good reason, there's another woman involved that he just hasn't admitted to yet. ^^^^^yeah, occasionally there was some hidden problem in the marriage like abuse, infidelity, or alcoholism that caused him to leave, that those looking in from the outside can't see. But I would bet that at least 90% of the time, it's another woman. Men don't just pack up and leave because they're bored or annoyed. I totally agree. I really never believe when a spouse says that they were blindsided when the other spouse leaves. They just didn't pay attention. I think women are checked out for years before they actually leave. They've tried for years to fix the marriage by talking to their husband. Husband might try to work on the marriage for a bit then they stop. The wife gives up and he thinks everything must be okay because she's stop nagging him about the marriage. Then she leaves and he's like, "What?!" This was exactly my situation. Granted, it didn't take me 30 years to get there. But I tried and I tried and I tried. He asked me for beer money one day. I put down $20 and I said, beer or me. He took the $20 and bought beer. This was after he lost his job due to substance abuse. It took me another few months to figure out how best to get out of my marriage. But when I finally kicked him out, he refused to believe it was true. Then he wanted counseling. Then he wanted to quit drinking. But I was done. I had spent years trying to get him to change.
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Post by *leslie* on May 6, 2016 18:48:24 GMT
That always seems strange to me, too. After so many years it would seem to me that the other person would be just so comfortable and familiar, warts and all. But I agree that there is no reason to stay miserable and I applaud anyone who takes a chance at happiness late in life. My parents used to joke that they would never divorce because "Who the hell would want either one of us." I've been married for 26 years, it's very comfortable and familiar but I don't want just those things in a marriage. We stay together because it is also a loving, romantic and satisfying marriage.
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Deleted
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Sept 16, 2024 10:13:25 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2016 18:50:46 GMT
Can you clarify what you mean by that? Are you saying that unmarried women are so desperate they will go after any man? First I did not say unmarried women will *go after* I said *exhibit desire*. There is a world of difference between the two of those. To answer your second question I would have to say that yes there are many women who will go after and take any man she can get. Look around you and you will see some pretty discussing(and not just lookswise) men who do have women in there lives. Then I guess I don't understand what 'exhibit desire' means if it doesn't mean go after. I'm also unsure on pretty discussing men.
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oldcrow
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,828
Location: Ontario,Canada
Jun 26, 2014 12:25:29 GMT
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Post by oldcrow on May 6, 2016 19:02:15 GMT
So basically what I'm taking away from this is that people fail to communicate. You can't expect your spouse to be a mind reader. If you're not happy with things in your marriage, you need to talk about it. Just assuming they know and going about your business won't help either of you. Failure to communicate is definitely a problem and I would bet real money that most marriages suffer from that to some extent. But let me ask you this. What if you have told your partner that there is a problem that needs work and they respond with something like - well that is just the way I am so take it or leave it? Many couples communicate their unhappiness but if over time nothing changes what do you suggest they do? I know of couples who have even gone to counseling and at the end of the counseling got divorced because the counseling proved that the marriage was not redeemable. Good communicate can help but only if both parties are willing to make changes.
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Post by debmast on May 6, 2016 19:06:03 GMT
So basically what I'm taking away from this is that people fail to communicate. You can't expect your spouse to be a mind reader. If you're not happy with things in your marriage, you need to talk about it. Just assuming they know and going about your business won't help either of you. Failure to communicate is definitely a problem and I would bet real money that most marriages suffer from that to some extent. But let me ask you this. What if you have told your partner that there is a problem that needs work and they respond with something like - well that is just the way I am so take it or leave it? Many couples communicate their unhappiness but if over time nothing changes what do you suggest they do? I know of couples who have even gone to counseling and at the end of the counseling got divorced because the counseling proved that the marriage was not redeemable. Good communicate can help but only if both parties are willing to make changes. I agree. I had said in an earlier post that both parties have to be committed and giving to the marriage for it to work. I actually have been married 30 years. We married fairly young and I'm sure many thought we would never still be married. Has it been a bed of roses every day for 30 years? Of course not. I'm cranky sometimes. He's cranky sometimes. We are not the 21 year olds we were. Our bodies have changed. Our minds have changed. But we talk things out. We enjoy being together. We laugh. And we both WORK at making our marriage work.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on May 6, 2016 19:10:44 GMT
I really never believe when a spouse says that they were blindsided when the other spouse leaves. They just didn't pay attention. I think women are checked out for years before they actually leave. They've tried for years to fix the marriage by talking to their husband. Husband might try to work on the marriage for a bit then they stop. The wife gives up and he thinks everything must be okay because she's stop nagging him about the marriage. Then she leaves and he's like, "What?!" This was exactly my situation. Granted, it didn't take me 30 years to get there. But I tried and I tried and I tried. He asked me for beer money one day. I put down $20 and I said, beer or me. He took the $20 and bought beer. This was after he lost his job due to substance abuse. It took me another few months to figure out how best to get out of my marriage. But when I finally kicked him out, he refused to believe it was true. Then he wanted counseling. Then he wanted to quit drinking. But I was done. I had spent years trying to get him to change. I am completely at peace with the immense effort I put in and the change I tried desperately to enact before I was done with my marriage. Yet, my ex will tell you he was blindsided and has blame galore to go around about what "caused" the end of our marriage. And I decided it didn't matter. Anyone who knew me well enough, knew the truth... and those who didn't know me well enough can think whatever they want to think. I had to decide that I could withstand that or I would have never survived the divorce of a high profile couple in a very small town.
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Post by refugeepea on May 6, 2016 19:20:00 GMT
I've seen many posts on here saying one party came to the other and told them they were unhappy and leaving and the 2nd party had no clue. If one party is not telling the other they are unhappy, nothing can be done to fix it. I think women are checked out for years before they actually leave. They've tried for years to fix the marriage by talking to their husband. Husband might try to work on the marriage for a bit then they stop. The wife gives up and he thinks everything must be okay because she's stop nagging him about the marriage. Then she leaves and he's like, "What?!"
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oldcrow
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,828
Location: Ontario,Canada
Jun 26, 2014 12:25:29 GMT
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Post by oldcrow on May 6, 2016 19:25:03 GMT
First I did not say unmarried women will *go after* I said *exhibit desire*. There is a world of difference between the two of those. To answer your second question I would have to say that yes there are many women who will go after and take any man she can get. Look around you and you will see some pretty discussing(and not just lookswise) men who do have women in there lives. Then I guess I don't understand what 'exhibit desire' means if it doesn't mean go after. I'm also unsure on pretty discussing men. You really don't understand? Wow. Exhibit desire. Hmmm Well how about you are in line at the check out and in front of you is a man. The clerk looks at him and smiles and asks if he found everything he was looking for. Then up you come and she does not smile nor does she inquire whether you found what you were looking for. After you comes some elderly ugly man and she treats him like you not like she did the other man. You are in a pub and there is a woman and a man walks toward her (she is standing in his path to the toilet) as he approaches her she gives him a big smile even though she does not know him. What is her message? Sorry discussing was a spelling mistake. Disgusting is the word I should have typed. Sorry about that, my mistake. But just in case you still don't understand. Envision if you will a man that is unemployed, dressed like a hobo, smells like he a sewer rat and is verbally abusive and perhaps even physically abusive and guess what he has a girlfriend or a wife. How the hell did that happen?
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Post by cath4k on May 6, 2016 19:27:56 GMT
OP, how old are you? I would say that by the time you've been married that long you are becoming very aware of your age, of what your late summer/autumn years hold, what your life has become and you sort of take stock. If your marriage has got in a rut or is unhappy, why waste any more time? People are 'young' for a lot longer these days and, on the whole, there are many more possibilities for travel, learning, new hobbies, new friends etc. Your question seems to intimate that you think that by that point, why bother? As if to say well, 'not much time left, you might as well put up with it!' But someone of 50/55/60 has a whole lot of living left to do hopefully, I can assure you! I haven't finished reading everyone's posts yet to address the thread on the whole, but I wanted to quickly answer your question. I am 48 and have been with my husband as a couple since we were 18 (30 years), married for 27 years. I absolutely don't look at it like "why bother?" I agree that there is a whole lot of living left!
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Deleted
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Sept 16, 2024 10:13:25 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2016 19:31:28 GMT
Exhibit desire. Hmmm Well how about you are in line at the check out and in front of you is a man. The clerk looks at him and smiles and asks if he found everything he was looking for. Then up you come and she does not smile nor does she inquire whether you found what you were looking for. After you comes some elderly ugly man and she treats him like you not like she did the other man. You are in a pub and there is a woman and a man walks toward her (she is standing in his path to the toilet) as he approaches her she gives him a big smile even though she does not know him. What is her message? Flirting. Exhibit desire sounds so much more serious than smiling at a random guy. As for the disgusting men like you described, I guess everybody has a type
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oldcrow
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,828
Location: Ontario,Canada
Jun 26, 2014 12:25:29 GMT
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Post by oldcrow on May 6, 2016 19:31:40 GMT
Failure to communicate is definitely a problem and I would bet real money that most marriages suffer from that to some extent. But let me ask you this. What if you have told your partner that there is a problem that needs work and they respond with something like - well that is just the way I am so take it or leave it? Many couples communicate their unhappiness but if over time nothing changes what do you suggest they do? I know of couples who have even gone to counseling and at the end of the counseling got divorced because the counseling proved that the marriage was not redeemable. Good communicate can help but only if both parties are willing to make changes. I agree. I had said in an earlier post that both parties have to be committed and giving to the marriage for it to work. I actually have been married 30 years. We married fairly young and I'm sure many thought we would never still be married. Has it been a bed of roses every day for 30 years? Of course not. I'm cranky sometimes. He's cranky sometimes. We are not the 21 year olds we were. Our bodies have changed. Our minds have changed. But we talk things out. We enjoy being together. We laugh. And we both WORK at making our marriage work. So from all of this I take away that marriage requires work and that communication helps facilitate that work.
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Post by sues on May 6, 2016 19:36:31 GMT
My mother divorced my father after 34 years of marriage. If she'd had the means to support herself and 5 kids, she'd have done it years earlier. He had her convinced she wouldn't get anything in a divorce and anything he was ordered to pay- he wouldn't pay. He told her he'd smear her reputation via 'helpful friends' and she wouldn't even walk away with her kids. She didn't have the nerve to take the chance and call his bluff.
At one point - her health failing, one kid left at home (in college) - it occurred to her she'd spent too many miserable years in the marriage and she wasn't going to spend one more with him. I think she realized she'd be alone with him after my sister moved out- and then what? She said if she only had a year left- she wasn't going to waste it living with my father. She finally had the courage to take the leap. His tantrum was EPIC. He tried to rally us against her when he couldn't change her mind. They lived in the same house during the year it took for the divorce to go through. It was miserable for everyone- but miserable and scary for my mother.
And then it was over- and she was free, for the first time in her life. She lived another 16 years- and she was never sorry about the divorce. She was only sorry it took her so long to get brave enough to do it.
ETA- all these 'why bother waiting so long??' comments have me shaking me head. You have no idea what people are going through and what factors into their decision to stay so long. You can't judge it from the perspective of your own life- especially not if you are in a happy marriage or a good place in your life.
And God save me from men who say "I bailed because my wife let herself go, she looks different, she doesn't _____ or _____ or _____." Please. No one looks the same after 30 years. No one is the same, period, after 30 years. And if he's the guy who went to work, came home, and sat his ass in a recliner - while his wife ran around managing home/family/multiple schedules - he really has a lot of nerve. Most women have a dozen balls in the air at the same time. It's hard and it's stressful at times- but it's also rewarding. You do it for the love of your family. And then one day your husband says "You don't look like you used to. I met someone who tries harder." and all of a sudden, the wife is on the outside looking in? No. If a man is going to bail - let him keep his shitty wife judging comments to himself. He's not leaving because she 'let herself go' - he's leaving because he's a shallow asshole who needs instant gratification.
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oldcrow
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,828
Location: Ontario,Canada
Jun 26, 2014 12:25:29 GMT
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Post by oldcrow on May 6, 2016 19:37:32 GMT
Exhibit desire. Hmmm Well how about you are in line at the check out and in front of you is a man. The clerk looks at him and smiles and asks if he found everything he was looking for. Then up you come and she does not smile nor does she inquire whether you found what you were looking for. After you comes some elderly ugly man and she treats him like you not like she did the other man. You are in a pub and there is a woman and a man walks toward her (she is standing in his path to the toilet) as he approaches her she gives him a big smile even though she does not know him. What is her message? Flirting. Exhibit desire sounds so much more serious than smiling at a random guy. As for the disgusting men like you described, I guess everybody has a type Flirting is a polite word used to make exhibiting desire sound innocent. Either way the message to the man is the same. Disgusting men - whatever, deary.
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,775
Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on May 6, 2016 20:11:36 GMT
My MIL and FIL split up after 40 years. I remember around year 38 (?) she commented that her anniversary was coming up and she was disgusted by the fact that they had been together so long. My jaw DROPPED! I replied with, "I hope we are married twice that long!" I didn't know what else to say! Then when year 40 rolled around they were having issues, she was commenting more and more often about wanting to get out and "dance" and "party" and "be crazy" and he was busy working to pay the bills. She worked too but wanted to get out and do stuff. We live in a VERY rural area with NOTHING of that sort of thing to do. Anyway, she kept asking if we were having a 40th anniversary party for them. Uh, WHY??? You don't want to be married to him anymore, why the hell would be have a party for your anniversary? So, we didn't have a party. She left him a few months later. He moved on, met another woman and got married. She regrets leaving him all the time. She is with someone new, says she's happy. I don't know. It's crazy.
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Post by hop2 on May 6, 2016 20:16:36 GMT
Because suddenly you can. You no longer need to financially support / provide for offspring and maybe you can then afford to divorce.
Because suddenly you can't take it anymore, you've jumped thru all the hoops you can to fix the marriage and it's not fixed. Your partner has no intention of changing and you know you deserve better for what time you've got left.
Because suddenly you found your strength to do it. Because you've sat paralyzed in fear for so long and now you just find your ready to make that jump. Because you can finally take on your fear!
Because after forgiving infidelity and working in your marriage in the past you figure out there's still infidelity and it's never going to stop so you just can't anymore.
Tons of reasons
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 16, 2024 10:13:25 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2016 20:20:04 GMT
My mother divorced my father after 34 years of marriage. If she'd had the means to support herself and 5 kids, she'd have done it years earlier. He had her convinced she wouldn't get anything in a divorce and anything he was ordered to pay- he wouldn't pay. He told her he'd smear her reputation via 'helpful friends' and she wouldn't even walk away with her kids. She didn't have the nerve to take the chance and call his bluff. At one point - her health failing, one kid left at home (in college) - it occurred to her she'd spent too many miserable years in the marriage and she wasn't going to spend one more with him. I think she realized she'd be alone with him after my sister moved out- and then what? She said if she only had a year left- she wasn't going to waste it living with my father. She finally had the courage to take the leap. His tantrum was EPIC. He tried to rally us against her when he couldn't change her mind. They lived in the same house during the year it took for the divorce to go through. It was miserable for everyone- but miserable and scary for my mother. And then it was over- and she was free, for the first time in her life. She lived another 16 years- and she was never sorry about the divorce. She was only sorry it took her so long to get brave enough to do it. ETA- all these 'why bother waiting so long??' comments have me shaking me head. You have no idea what people are going through and what factors into their decision to stay so long. You can't judge it from the perspective of your own life- especially not if you are in a happy marriage or a good place in your life. And God save me from men who say "I bailed because my wife let herself go, she looks different, she doesn't _____ or _____ or _____." Please. No one looks the same after 30 years. No one is the same, period, after 30 years. And if he's the guy who went to work, came home, and sat his ass in a recliner - while his wife ran around managing home/family/multiple schedules - he really has a lot of nerve. Most women have a dozen balls in the air at the same time. It's hard and it's stressful at times- but it's also rewarding. You do it for the love of your family. And then one day your husband says "You don't look like you used to. I met someone who tries harder." and all of a sudden, the wife is on the outside looking in? No. If a man is going to bail - let him keep his shitty wife judging comments to himself. He's not leaving because she 'let herself go' - he's leaving because he's a shallow asshole who needs instant gratification. I agree with every single thing you posted, but especially what I've bolded. Most of the time there isn't one textbook answer that fits everyone and unless you're part of the marriage or perhaps live in the same home, you simply DO NOT KNOW what someone's marriage is like or how long it's been like that. No clue. Stop trying to find an answer. (will hopefully have my divorce finalized prior to my 29th anniversary in June)
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Post by cath4k on May 6, 2016 20:38:12 GMT
Thanks for all your thoughts. As I stated at the beginning, I know there isn't a single answer. Each of these couples I know went into marriage with the intention of it lasting until death. None of them have had major financial issues or health issues (unless there was undiagnosed depression that I am unaware of.) It does seem like the marriage slowly died for one person and they never took an active role to try to fix it early on and then one day they were done. But some of you are right - maybe they tried and their spouse just didn't respond. Even though I know these people well, I have not been in their marriages to know how they truly treat each other and what their daily lives are like.
It just makes me sad.
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oldcrow
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,828
Location: Ontario,Canada
Jun 26, 2014 12:25:29 GMT
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Post by oldcrow on May 6, 2016 20:42:27 GMT
Thanks for all your thoughts. As I stated at the beginning, I know there isn't a single answer. Each of these couples I know went into marriage with the intention of it lasting until death. None of them have had major financial issues or health issues (unless there was undiagnosed depression that I am unaware of.) It does seem like the marriage slowly died for one person and they never took an active role to try to fix it early on and then one day they were done. But some of you are right - maybe they tried and their spouse just didn't respond. Even though I know these people well, I have not been in their marriages to know how they truly treat each other and what their daily lives are like. It just makes me sad. Does it make you sad or does it make you worried?
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Post by cath4k on May 6, 2016 20:44:02 GMT
My mother divorced my father after 34 years of marriage. If she'd had the means to support herself and 5 kids, she'd have done it years earlier. He had her convinced she wouldn't get anything in a divorce and anything he was ordered to pay- he wouldn't pay. He told her he'd smear her reputation via 'helpful friends' and she wouldn't even walk away with her kids. She didn't have the nerve to take the chance and call his bluff. At one point - her health failing, one kid left at home (in college) - it occurred to her she'd spent too many miserable years in the marriage and she wasn't going to spend one more with him. I think she realized she'd be alone with him after my sister moved out- and then what? She said if she only had a year left- she wasn't going to waste it living with my father. She finally had the courage to take the leap. His tantrum was EPIC. He tried to rally us against her when he couldn't change her mind. They lived in the same house during the year it took for the divorce to go through. It was miserable for everyone- but miserable and scary for my mother. And then it was over- and she was free, for the first time in her life. She lived another 16 years- and she was never sorry about the divorce. She was only sorry it took her so long to get brave enough to do it. ETA- all these 'why bother waiting so long??' comments have me shaking me head. You have no idea what people are going through and what factors into their decision to stay so long. You can't judge it from the perspective of your own life- especially not if you are in a happy marriage or a good place in your life. And God save me from men who say "I bailed because my wife let herself go, she looks different, she doesn't _____ or _____ or _____." Please. No one looks the same after 30 years. No one is the same, period, after 30 years. And if he's the guy who went to work, came home, and sat his ass in a recliner - while his wife ran around managing home/family/multiple schedules - he really has a lot of nerve. Most women have a dozen balls in the air at the same time. It's hard and it's stressful at times- but it's also rewarding. You do it for the love of your family. And then one day your husband says "You don't look like you used to. I met someone who tries harder." and all of a sudden, the wife is on the outside looking in? No. If a man is going to bail - let him keep his shitty wife judging comments to himself. He's not leaving because she 'let herself go' - he's leaving because he's a shallow asshole who needs instant gratification. I agree with every single thing you posted, but especially what I've bolded. Most of the time there isn't one textbook answer that fits everyone and unless you're part of the marriage or perhaps live in the same home, you simply DO NOT KNOW what someone's marriage is like or how long it's been like that. No clue. Stop trying to find an answer. (will hopefully have my divorce finalized prior to my 29th anniversary in June) Please know that the "trying to find the answer" part for me is not meant to offend anyone. I have spent my entire adult life with my husband and would like that to continue until one of us dies. In my youth, I ignorantly assumed if you had a happy, stable marriage for 20 years that you were good to go. @@ While I now know better, I would still like to know what factors may still be at play for us. We like to think we have it all figured out at this point, but we are wise enough to know that we probably don't.
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Post by cath4k on May 6, 2016 20:50:51 GMT
Thanks for all your thoughts. As I stated at the beginning, I know there isn't a single answer. Each of these couples I know went into marriage with the intention of it lasting until death. None of them have had major financial issues or health issues (unless there was undiagnosed depression that I am unaware of.) It does seem like the marriage slowly died for one person and they never took an active role to try to fix it early on and then one day they were done. But some of you are right - maybe they tried and their spouse just didn't respond. Even though I know these people well, I have not been in their marriages to know how they truly treat each other and what their daily lives are like. It just makes me sad. Does it make you sad or does it make you worried? It makes me sad for my different friends. Some of the ones who have left the marriage have adult children who won't have anything to do with them. Many adult children seem to take divorce harder than younger children.
It doesn't worry me for my marriage other than the fact that my husband and I look at each other and ask, "How can we make sure that doesn't happen to us?"
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 16, 2024 10:13:25 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2016 21:00:08 GMT
Sometimes I think my parents stay together out of habit and not wanting to be the ones that get divorced after so long in their circle. I know that around the 25 year mark, my Mom had asked me if I would live with her or Dad if they divorced. I told her she wouldn't like my answer. I was 16 and starting to realize that we did not have a good mother/daughter relationship. They went to counseling. Hit another rough patch around year 30-33? and did the counseling thing again. I remember my Dad joking (?) that it was cheaper to stay with her than to divorce her. After Mom got cancer, they really came together and actually seem a lot better now at 45 years than they did between years 20-35.
For them, I really think the early empty nest years hit them hard and they suddenly didn't know each other like they thought they did. I imagine that around year 25 or so, they become empty nesters and there's no other buffer between them. Some adapt. Some don't.
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Post by ladytrisha on May 6, 2016 21:00:14 GMT
Why do I think it happens? Because in this day and age people want instant gratification. They also don't have the dedication that they had back in the day to their marriage. Marriage is WORK! My mom once told me for a marriage to work, both parties need to be giving 150%. It's easier for some to divorce that put in the effort to make it work. NAILED IT!!!
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Dalai Mama
Drama Llama
La Pea Boheme
Posts: 6,985
Jun 26, 2014 0:31:31 GMT
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Post by Dalai Mama on May 6, 2016 21:08:01 GMT
Flirting. Exhibit desire sounds so much more serious than smiling at a random guy. As for the disgusting men like you described, I guess everybody has a type Flirting is a polite word used to make exhibiting desire sound innocent. Either way the message to the man is the same. Disgusting men - whatever, deary. Except I flirt with everyone and desire has nothing to do with it.
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oldcrow
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,828
Location: Ontario,Canada
Jun 26, 2014 12:25:29 GMT
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Post by oldcrow on May 6, 2016 21:08:30 GMT
Does it make you sad or does it make you worried? It makes me sad for my different friends. Some of the ones who have left the marriage have adult children who won't have anything to do with them. Many adult children seem to take divorce harder than younger children.
It doesn't worry me for my marriage other than the fact that my husband and I look at each other and ask, "How can we make sure that doesn't happen to us?"
It is one thing to stay in a bad marriage with young children if it means staying in a financial situation that is good for the children. It is another thing entirely to stay in a bad marriage for adult children. If an adult child turns away from you because you have chosen to make your life better I would question whether that child ever loved you. It is good that you ask yourselves this question but it also points to the fact that there is some worry in you. And that in itself is good. Never let your guard down.
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oldcrow
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,828
Location: Ontario,Canada
Jun 26, 2014 12:25:29 GMT
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Post by oldcrow on May 6, 2016 21:15:56 GMT
Flirting is a polite word used to make exhibiting desire sound innocent. Either way the message to the man is the same. Disgusting men - whatever, deary. Except I flirt with everyone and desire has nothing to do with it. With everyone, both male and female? I know people like that and they do it to see how many flit back. And they are usually pretty open about that. It makes them feel good.
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Post by lisae on May 6, 2016 21:24:35 GMT
I know a couple who got divorced after 54 years of marriage! She had a very good reason which isn't my business to repeat even if no one here knows them but I can certainly see why she couldn't live the rest of her life which unfortunately was only a few more years with him. The thing was they had apparently not gotten along well for many years. It seemed to me the 30 year point would have been a lot better for her. I was floored when I found out because I had been around them quite a bit and had no idea there were problems under the surface.
You just don't understand what goes on in someone else's marriage and why should you just stay married if you are unhappy because people expect you to? I don't think anyone should give up their marriage frivolously but I think most people who have put in that kind of time in a marriage and then end it probably have a good reason and it will be better for the couple in the long run.
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Dalai Mama
Drama Llama
La Pea Boheme
Posts: 6,985
Jun 26, 2014 0:31:31 GMT
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Post by Dalai Mama on May 6, 2016 21:35:23 GMT
Except I flirt with everyone and desire has nothing to do with it. With everyone, both male and female? I know people like that and they do it to see how many flit back. And they are usually pretty open about that. It makes them feel good. Male and female, young and old.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 16, 2024 10:13:25 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2016 22:25:07 GMT
Flirting is a polite word used to make exhibiting desire sound innocent. Either way the message to the man is the same. Disgusting men - whatever, deary. Except I flirt with everyone and desire has nothing to do with it. Me too. I don't think being smiled at by the checkout girl will make many men think it's anything other than just a smile. Haven't we got passed the whole men are too stupid to think with anything other than their dicks thing yet?
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Post by utpea on May 6, 2016 22:28:47 GMT
Because you are never to old to be happy....
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