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Post by Zee on Jun 5, 2019 17:22:57 GMT
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Post by mrssmith on Jun 5, 2019 17:34:18 GMT
I've been married for 21 years, and am in the middle of getting my stuff together so that I can file later this year. Why now? Our kids are old enough that there won't be an ugly custody battle (they're 17 and 14). Also, housing in our small town is limited, so I may have to go to a neighboring town to find something. Since my oldest can drive, getting the kids to school won't be a huge issue (there are lots of towns close by). Finally, all I want is to get out of this marriage. I don't want the house, nor any alimony or part of his retirement or anything. And I finally have a job where I make enough money that I can support myself and our kids without any financial help from him. So I'm getting things together, and hope to be able to file by November. I'm actually hoping he will agree to mediation, as all I really want from him is a joint custody agreement with our children, my grandmother's dining room table, and him to agree to transfer my current vehicle from his name to mine. That's it. Hopefully, he will be amenable and mediation will be all we need. I hear what you're saying about not wanting anything except joint custody etc, but if you were not working outside the home during your marriage, you EARNED part of that retirement (and spousal support). I was really tempted to do the same thing, but I was essentially a SAHM or p-t employed SAHM during my marriage. It felt odd to get "his" retirment money, but honestly, he was able to earn it because he had childcare duties managed by me!
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Jun 5, 2019 17:41:28 GMT
That happened to my boyfriend and his first marriage. The wife supposedly came home one day and just said she didn’t want to be married anymore. Unfortunately he seems to have given her quite the deal on the house but that’s water under the bridge at this point. I sort of understand it too. My ex and I made it to 22 and had we continued on, 30 probably would’ve been the tipping point as I just simply didn’t want to live that life anymore.
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Dani-Mani
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,709
Jun 28, 2014 17:36:35 GMT
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Post by Dani-Mani on Jun 5, 2019 17:43:23 GMT
Oh grinningcat 😢
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Post by mrsscrapdiva on Jun 5, 2019 17:52:04 GMT
I 100% can see this happening. Kudos to the ones that can stick together but I think times have changed. A number of women are done being in the subservient role. We have our own wants and desires and nothing says we need to do everything our husbands want.
We live in a huge world with so many experiences, travels, people and things to do. I can see this happening if one person wants to "live" their life, be adventurous and the other spouse is happy staying home doing the routine things. Some people are satisfied if nothing changes and other people want more - you only live once!
Sometimes there is no relationship left after the kids are raised and sometimes people don't "grow old" together, they want to go in separate directions. Once the kids are out of the house and the house is paid off maybe people think it is a good time to part ways and enjoy their lives in other ways with new experiences without their spouse.
I have not read all the other replies but I am interested in reading them to see how others feel.
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PLurker
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,789
Location: Behind the Cheddar Curtain
Jun 28, 2014 3:48:49 GMT
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Post by PLurker on Jun 5, 2019 17:53:07 GMT
Why divorce after any amount of years?
Same reason(s).
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Post by mrsscrapdiva on Jun 5, 2019 17:55:30 GMT
notjustmom I just wanted to say I get it. I hope things work out well for you and best wishes for the future.
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Post by PolarGreen12 on Jun 5, 2019 18:22:19 GMT
I think a lot of people try to stay together for their kids, and then there are weddings, and grand-babies. At some point they run out of excuses and do what should have been done 20 years ago.
My Aunt did this to my Uncle after 28 years. She had a midlife crisis. She left him, bought a corvette. Dated a man half her age. When that went south she tried to get my uncle back but it was too late. She’s been alone ever since. It’s kind of sad really. I wish she’d just talked to him and said she needed to spice things up a bit and done stuff together.
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Post by dewryce on Jun 5, 2019 18:51:11 GMT
She’s still here isn’t she? Or came back? There is a pea with grinningcat under her name, not as her user name. IIRC, she either came back, or told us who she was fairly recently. I think her user name begins with an H. Of course, I could be remembering this all wrong
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 16, 2024 10:14:16 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2019 18:53:10 GMT
She’s still here isn’t she? Or came back? There is a pea with grinningcat under her name, not as her user name. IIRC, she either came back, or told us who she was fairly recently. I think her user name begins with an H. Of course, I could be remembering this all wrong Sadly Grinningcat died several years ago.
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psiluvu
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,217
Location: Canada's Capital
Jun 25, 2014 22:52:26 GMT
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Post by psiluvu on Jun 5, 2019 18:53:25 GMT
She’s still here isn’t she? Or came back? There is a pea with grinningcat under her name, not as her user name. IIRC, she either came back, or told us who she was fairly recently. I think her user name begins with an H. Of course, I could be remembering this all wrong Grinningcat passed away a while ago
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Post by dewryce on Jun 5, 2019 18:56:16 GMT
She’s still here isn’t she? Or came back? There is a pea with grinningcat under her name, not as her user name. IIRC, she either came back, or told us who she was fairly recently. I think her user name begins with an H. Of course, I could be remembering this all wrong Sadly Grinningcat died several years ago. Oh Then maybe someone has her name there in memory? I could swear I’ve seen it in the past day or two, but have to admit I have a terrible memory.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jun 5, 2019 19:17:37 GMT
Sadly Grinningcat died several years ago. Oh Then maybe someone has her name there in memory? I could swear I’ve seen it in the past day or two, but have to admit I have a terrible memory. I think what you see is a pea title based upon grinningcat post count when she passed.
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Post by dewryce on Jun 5, 2019 19:18:43 GMT
Oh Then maybe someone has her name there in memory? I could swear I’ve seen it in the past day or two, but have to admit I have a terrible memory. I think what you see is a pea title based upon grinningcat post count when she passed. Maybe that was it.
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ddly
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,017
Jul 10, 2014 19:36:28 GMT
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Post by ddly on Jun 5, 2019 21:23:31 GMT
My DH left me after 24 years with no warning. There wasn’t another woman. Our marriage had just not worked. We had good years and bad but he decided he wanted to be free to do what he wanted. We no longer shared much, no real common interests. I was definitely shocked, but I knew immediately that it was the right thing.
I’ve never been happier. I didn’t even realize how unhappy I was and how much I had isolated myself. Our relationship had grown unhealthy. My kids were 18 and 20 and were relieved that we split. I just never realized how far apart we’d grown and the impact on my kids.
I’ve remarried and just can’t believe how good life is when you love, respect and really enjoy your partner.
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Post by sues on Jun 6, 2019 1:02:35 GMT
My mother divorced my father after 33 years. She said if she had one year left in her life, or ten- she was going to spend them happy. I wish it hadn't taken her so long. When I was a kid, I thought the kids with divorced parents were the lucky ones.
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Jun 6, 2019 3:24:55 GMT
In some situations, things have been bad for a long time but maybe they have gotten worse or circumstances have changed. In others, things can deteriorate when there are not kids in the home, spouses retire, etc. Also, people can change and grow apart.
Thirty years sounds like a long time but in reality, many people who have been married that long are in their 50’s. If they are not happy, just sucking it up for many years (possibly 30+ more) because it has been a long time doesn’t sound that great.
It’s pretty judgmental and immaculate to think that people just decide one day that they want a divorce for no reason, no matter how long they have been married. You don’t know what is really going on in the marriage, or what they have already done—either on their own or with counseling—to make things better.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Jun 6, 2019 10:47:00 GMT
I think it happens largely in part because they think the grass is always greener somewhere else.
So they leave and onto greener pastures.
Then they find out the issue wasn’t the oasture they were in, it was them! Lol.
I know a couple who are miserable. But stuck. (Financially) own a home together and 2 kids.
Hubby reluctantly goes to work, does the minimum (he is always offered OT, but doesn’t do it, yet it would alleviate a lot of their issues quicker). He doesn’t do anything with his family, pretty much ignores everyone else, does not participate in the kids lives, school, will occasionally give them a ride somewhere.
Mom works 2 jobs and takes kids to/from school every day. Can not afford a place on her own (without his salary) let alone a place for her and the kids.
He blames her for all their woes. He wants out but won’t leave either.
It’s a miserable state for all of them.
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Post by pelirroja on Jun 6, 2019 11:21:02 GMT
A family member left her marriage of 47 years. When I asked her why, she said it was getting near their 50th anniversary and their kids were talking about planning a very large celebration. She had never really been happy, felt like she had no way out that could support her and her kids, so she hung in there. After the kids left, things were still distant, and he still took her for granted. When she heard about the party planning, she thought however many (or few) years she had left were NOT going to be with him. She didn't want to have to pretend to put on a happy face when she felt she was living a lie. Agewise, she was approaching her 80s at that point. She passed away a few years later: still single and still happy. There was no one else and she didn't even date as a newly single person. I always wondered how she could put up with him for 47 years but as it turns out, I think she was just biding her time until an opportunity to bail and to make sure she didn't have to go back to him. Ever. He told everybody who would listen how blindsided he was but I find it hard to believe he was blindsided. He was an abusive jackhole but very few people knew that since he appeared to be an upstanding (and religious) member of his community. The guy everybody thought they knew wasn't the same guy she was married to. She never said a bad word about him to anyone and I think people equated her keeping quiet to her being happy. They're not equivalent. As far as this zombie thread being resurrected (so cool to see grinningcat on here), I am sending you hugs notjustmom and wish you the very best!
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Post by mikklynn on Jun 6, 2019 12:02:33 GMT
Resurrecting this thread. I am filing papers this weekend. I was unhappy for many years, and my husband still does not get it. I am trying to salvage what is left of my life and financial future. I wish you nothing but happiness ahead.
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Post by mellowyellow on Jun 6, 2019 12:16:22 GMT
My mother just left my dad and they were married 50 years last December. My dad has been emotionally and verbally abusive their entire marriage. She stayed when me and my brother were younger because she couldn't afford to be out on her own. Then once we were grown, my dad become medically disabled so she felt she had to stay because it was the "right" thing to do. She came to me in April and said it was either him or her because she just felt like it was going to start affecting her health so....she left. She left him a letter on the counter and we haven't seen her since. She didn't even come to our DD's graduation which shocked me. I never thought she would have missed that but I guess she's going through her own stuff. We don't even know where she's at and she won't tell us.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,153
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Jun 6, 2019 12:45:44 GMT
My feeling is you just don't know what goes on behind closed doors. We all have heard a story where one spouse actually abused the other even physically and no one saw it going on (and everyone loved the abuser because he didn't show this side.) So my feeling really is, you have no idea what goes on once that door closes. Just marked 27 years here, the kids are almost grown. We have problems, which are apparent to some, not to others (most wouldn't know unless they were told.) Slightly different from the scenario you mentioned, we've been to marriage counseling (2 different people.) Unfortunately it hasn't helped, it's like pulling teeth to get any changes and really I think he goes into it hoping they'll change me and he won't need to change (we both need to change!) While he's not abusive so to speak, he's not invested in our marriage and doesn't care about my feelings. The last counselor who i'm seeing basically said he swims in the shallow end where he doesn't have to deal with anything deep or deal with anyone else. Given all this, i'm contemplating MY future because living with someone who thinks a good conversation is one about discussing the weather has gotten very old. And you know what, I think he'd be blindsided even given the fact he shouldn't be. I know this doesn't encompass what everyone goes through, but I really just think you never know what is going on with people behind closed doors. And you know those people who didn't see it coming, it may be sudden and you wouldn't have seen it or it may be the case like hubby where he's just used to being in his world and just can't imagine i'd actually go through with it. Started reading through not realizing it was an old post until I came upon my "old" post here. We just celebrated our 30th anniversary recently. My how things have changed in 3 years, thankfully for the better! If someone were to tell me 3 years ago we'd be in the happiest place we'd probably ever been, i'd have never believed it. Someone originally mentioned the stress of raising children and this was a big factor. We didn't navigate parenting well together. I took the brunt of the responsibility for them, he wasn't a strong parent so most of it fell on me. There was a lot of stress to raising teens, which evaporated with my 19 yo moving out (the youngest, the older ones are here saving for down payments for houses - they work, save money and do their own thing = zero stress!) Another thing that actually strengthened our relationship were some health issues. We've been lucky and have been healthy...until last year when I had two different health issues come up at once. Within the span of 13 months I had 3 procedures, followed by 2 surgeries. dh really stepped up - offered to attend any and every MD appt, as well as was with me for the procedures/surgeries and taking care of me after. Not only am I so much more grateful for my health, it also made me grateful to have someone to lean on during a time that was pretty unsettling. I think the combination of him stepping up and being present for me as well as the stress of kids being removed really made a difference for us. One thing I think we did very wrong is not make each other a priority. We had 4 kids, a business and no family support. I think that would have made some difference had we been able to better prioritize each other.
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Post by mimi3566 on Jun 6, 2019 13:52:57 GMT
That is my thought as well. My thought is ... if you were THAT miserable, why in the hell would you have stayed for 30 years? I would imagine fear....fear of the unknown, fear of not being able to support the children by yourself, fear of being alone....lack of confidence that you can do it yourself.
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Post by mimi3566 on Jun 6, 2019 13:58:52 GMT
So basically what I'm taking away from this is that people fail to communicate. You can't expect your spouse to be a mind reader. If you're not happy with things in your marriage, you need to talk about it. Just assuming they know and going about your business won't help either of you. Communication is a two way street.....you can talk and communicate til you're blue in the face but the other person has to know how to listen....
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Post by lisacharlotte on Jun 6, 2019 14:57:56 GMT
This has been a very interesting thread, especially seeing how things changed for some peas 3years later. I took the question from the OP to mean marriages that end with no red flags. A lot of responses have mentioned different types of abuse or neglect. Those divorces don’t surprise me at all.
I think the surprising ones are usually caused by some type of mid life crisis. One day someone wakes up and they are unhappy with themselves and decide to implode their life (and anyone attached) to find happiness. Marriage is not about making your partner happy. You make yourself happy. The grass is never greener. I think if this is the reason for a sudden divorce, those instigators are rarely happy long term. They either constantly look for greener grass or come to their senses and it’s too late to go back.
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Post by FuzzyMutt on Jun 6, 2019 16:27:48 GMT
My DH left me after 24 years with no warning. There wasn’t another woman. Our marriage had just not worked. We had good years and bad but he decided he wanted to be free to do what he wanted. We no longer shared much, no real common interests. I was definitely shocked, but I knew immediately that it was the right thing. I’ve never been happier. I didn’t even realize how unhappy I was and how much I had isolated myself. Our relationship had grown unhealthy. My kids were 18 and 20 and were relieved that we split. I just never realized how far apart we’d grown and the impact on my kids. I’ve remarried and just can’t believe how good life is when you love, respect and really enjoy your partner. I would have been so very happy for my parents to divorce. I love them both dearly and they are both loving, caring people, but not to each other. Absolutely no common interests beyond arguing with one another. I'd love for them to have a chance at a happy and loving act two. Unfortunately they are closer to their 50th anniversary than their 30th, and I don't think it will happen for either of them. I'm so happy for you that you've found love and happiness!
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
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Post by mallie on Jun 6, 2019 18:27:18 GMT
So basically what I'm taking away from this is that people fail to communicate. You can't expect your spouse to be a mind reader. If you're not happy with things in your marriage, you need to talk about it. Just assuming they know and going about your business won't help either of you. Communication is a two way street.....you can talk and communicate til you're blue in the face but the other person has to know how to listen.... And more importantly, has to CARE enough to make the changes necessary to keep the relationship alive. The above is what I see happens most commonly in long-term marriages that end. What seems to happen is that something arises/gets worse that becomes a deal breaker for one partner. The other partner just does not care enough about the relationship or their supposed loved one to actually make the change. It's very much, "My way or the highway" or "This is the way I am now, take it or leave it" or most often, "You lived with this for so long, get over yourself and live with it." The longest marriage I ever saw break up was over 50 years. They both told me that they divorced over him being a slob and never picking up after himself, cleaning, etc. This had been the entirety of their marriage and it had always pissed her off. In her 70s, she had some medical problem and was laid up for a while and he did not clean/pick up the entire time she was laid up. She BEGGED him to do it and he refused. He saw no problem living like that. Even the home health nurse told him point blank that he had to clean the house. Nope. She hired someone to come in and clean and it made her aware of how many hours that became years of her life she had spent picking up after him. She thought about how few years she might have left and diddn't want to spend that precious time picking up after a slob. So when she got back on her feet, she gave him an ultimatum. Nope. So they divorced. They said they still loved each other and stayed together, but lived separately (just a few doors away), but she refused to set foot in his home and he was only allowed in hers for a few hours here and there. I think a lot of people have this fantasy that if you communicate, the other person will do what is necessary to fix the problem. Sometimes, people can hear what you are saying, but just don't care. Love does not always translate into care.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 16, 2024 10:14:16 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2019 21:07:52 GMT
I think often people choose spouses very poorly. If a problem exists from the beginning (and almost never do problems come out of nowhere) only a fool marries knowing about that problem. But people do it all the time, and then they often make children, and screw up a bunch of lives when they decide they can no longer live with a problem they knew existed from the start.
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ddly
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,017
Jul 10, 2014 19:36:28 GMT
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Post by ddly on Jun 6, 2019 21:18:27 GMT
My DH left me after 24 years with no warning. There wasn’t another woman. Our marriage had just not worked. We had good years and bad but he decided he wanted to be free to do what he wanted. We no longer shared much, no real common interests. I was definitely shocked, but I knew immediately that it was the right thing. I’ve never been happier. I didn’t even realize how unhappy I was and how much I had isolated myself. Our relationship had grown unhealthy. My kids were 18 and 20 and were relieved that we split. I just never realized how far apart we’d grown and the impact on my kids. I’ve remarried and just can’t believe how good life is when you love, respect and really enjoy your partner. I would have been so very happy for my parents to divorce. I love them both dearly and they are both loving, caring people, but not to each other. Absolutely no common interests beyond arguing with one another. I'd love for them to have a chance at a happy and loving act two. Unfortunately they are closer to their 50th anniversary than their 30th, and I don't think it will happen for either of them. I'm so happy for you that you've found love and happiness! Thanks! We’re all happier and ex and I can actually have a reasonable conversation now.
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M in Carolina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,128
Jun 29, 2014 12:11:41 GMT
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Post by M in Carolina on Jun 7, 2019 0:18:46 GMT
This. You can’t reason with someone who refuses to admit they’re wrong. They expect their spouse to do everything they say. Sometimes the spouse just keeps the peace for the kids. But it’s ok to leave and be happy. If the marriage isn’t working, they can leave. My dad got 10 happy years. I just wish he had gotten more. He stayed for me. Because he knew that my mom wouldn’t let me spend any time with him, and I’d have to fight with her all the time. He also knew my in-laws would be really judgmental about it, and I might not have married my husband.
If your spouse won’t listen ever, what’s the use of counseling, there’s nothing you can do. So you cut your losses and leave. My dad did everything he could to make the divorce easy, but my mom refused to meet him half way.
You never know what’s going on in a marriage. It’s shitty to judge people when you have no idea what their marriage is really like. People can be very good at hiding who they really are.
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