marimoose
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Posts: 3,282
Jul 22, 2014 2:10:14 GMT
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Post by marimoose on May 6, 2016 22:41:00 GMT
I think as people grow older they start to realize their own mortality and possibly don't want the spend what time they have left on this earth in a situation they aren't happy with. I can't blame people for that. It sucks to be the person blindsided, but for me personally I wouldn't want someone to stay with me just because they feel obligated. This pretty much sums of my Dad's feelings. They divorced after 32 years, another 2 years of stupid lawyers and then he was free. They should have divorced years before as they really were not compatible and doubt they ever were. My Dad said he realized that his life was 1/2 over and at 56 years of age he wanted to be happy. My Mom liked ot sit on the couch watching tv all day long, nothing else unless she could have gone to a casino. My Dad liked to hike, rarely watched tv, read books, is frugal. My Mom was blindsided but the funny thing is she was always threatening to divorce him and take him the " the bank" and he finally beat her to it, at least as far as divorcing her went. I never liked my Dad much growing up because he was always short tempered adn after the divorce he smiled, he laughed, he shared stories. Oh, and his blood pressure went down and he needed no medications. Best thing he ever did. He met a woman, who was like a clone of him and they married. They travel, they hike, basically are content. It doesn't matter how many years you are married, if it isn't working then you shouldn't feel obligated to stay. We only get one chance at life, no matter what. Frankly, it is no ones business why someone decides to leave. In most cases, it is the right decision.
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Post by *leslie* on May 6, 2016 22:41:36 GMT
Why do I think it happens? Because in this day and age people want instant gratification. They also don't have the dedication that they had back in the day to their marriage. Marriage is WORK! My mom once told me for a marriage to work, both parties need to be giving 150%. It's easier for some to divorce that put in the effort to make it work. NAILED IT!!! I don't know if I would call divorcing after 30 years of marriage "instant gratification", lol.
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Deleted
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Sept 16, 2024 10:13:16 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2016 23:39:18 GMT
Why do I think it happens? Because in this day and age people want instant gratification. They also don't have the dedication that they had back in the day to their marriage. Marriage is WORK! My mom once told me for a marriage to work, both parties need to be giving 150%. It's easier for some to divorce that put in the effort to make it work. First, I don't think back in the day people divorced as often because it wasn't an option like it is now (more accepted, more women working, less strict religion etc) Secondly, as somoene who is divorced Divorce is not an easy out by any means.
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Post by refugeepea on May 6, 2016 23:50:22 GMT
None of them have had major financial issues or health issues I have to admit I'm baffled when I read things like this. I kind of know health issues with close friends and some family. Finances are something we never discuss in detail or not at all. Not that it's a wrong thing to do, if both parties are comfortable discussing these things, I just can't imagine anyone but my husband, medical doctor, or a financial advisor knowing about such personal matters.
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Post by AussieMeg on May 7, 2016 0:04:11 GMT
The answer to this: What do you think can be done to prevent it from happening?
is NOTHING, because: continuing to do something that makes you miserable just because you've already done it for 30 years doesn't really seem like a good enough reason.
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Post by littlemama on May 7, 2016 0:58:44 GMT
It's easier to get divorced than to put the work needed into the marriage once the kids have left home in a lot of.cases, I think.. In my mom's case, she waited until I had graduated from high school and had decided on my own to live at home and commute to college to a place where I had a full scholarship. At that point, she knew she could finally afford to leave. She should have left 8 years earlier. There was abuse involved.
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Post by txdancermom on May 7, 2016 1:06:46 GMT
I have an aunt and uncle (my father's brother) that divorced after about 25-40 years of marriage. They had moved to California as part of his job (he is a senior exec type) and were there for a number of years, then he got another position that involved working in Minnesota. they tried maintaining two residences, but she much preferred California, and they grew apart.
She stayed in CA, and he has been all over the west coast, in fact I am not sure exactly where he lives now, we communicate via email. They grew apart and have stayed cordial from what i have heard, he has remarried 2 or 3 times since then, and is commonly known as our family "odd duck" (dad's term for him). Aunt has a relationship with someone, but has never remarried.
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Post by Outspoken on May 7, 2016 1:29:44 GMT
First, let me say that I have not read any responses, so this may have been said. BUT, I would be willing to bet that in MOST of the cases the person who feels "blindsided" just has on rose colored glasses. My brother has been married almost 24 years. He has 2 beautiful daughters. His wife is mentally unstable. She has always suffered from some form of mental illness - depression, anxiety and bi-polar disorder. She will take her meds for a few months and then stop. She will go to counseling (and they have been in marriage counseling almost their whole marriage to try and remain stable) and when she feels the counselor is "wrong" or "picking on her", she will quit going to that one and find a new counselor and start all over. In January, he decided he can't take the emotional roller coaster anymore. He is devastated but he has a career that requires public appearances in his business circle and it's taking a toll on his ability to do his job. He does not want a divorce for the sake of divorce - he feels drained and abused by her inability to remain on her medicines. Her parents are very controlling and she refuses to "cut the cord" even though the counselor has told her that she is too dependent on them and her family is suffering. She has told me that even though they have been to counseling and she has been told the likely outcome - she never thought he would actually leave. I'm sorry I wrote a book here, but I don't think "we" ever know the whole truth. I even wonder in the back of my mind what could my brother do different to make it work because I believe it takes TWO to make or break a marriage. I guess he feels like he has tried his best and he is done trying. But, it does make you wonder. Our whole family is devastated. It's just a shame.
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Post by cindytred on May 7, 2016 3:34:01 GMT
I would imagine it's because people don't want to be unhappy for the remainder of their lives. I mean, continuing to do something that makes you miserable just because you've already done it for 30 years doesn't really seem like a good enough reason. Our 31st anniversary is coming up in July. The only reason I'm still married to him is financial. This is not how I want to spend the rest of my life.
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breetheflea
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Jul 20, 2014 21:57:23 GMT
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Post by breetheflea on May 7, 2016 3:50:06 GMT
My parents divorced after 25 years (when I was 21). My mom moved out because she was tired of being married to my dad... I don't think my dad working swing shift for most of my life and my mom working days and only seeing each other on weekends helped the relationship, or maybe they stayed married that long because they never saw each other...
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Post by BlueDiamond on May 7, 2016 4:00:26 GMT
Because, unless you've walked in their shoes, you have no idea of the state of their marriage.
You can't change someone else, no matter how long you've been married. There's only so much one person can take before shouting ENOUGH!!
Because you can tell them time and again how you feel and if they don't take steps to fix it, then what? Are you doomed to stay in a marriage that is sucking the life out of you just because some people say divorce is never an option?
I used to think like you, OP. Then I got married, and have been married for 21 years, and now I understand.
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anniebygaslight
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Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on May 7, 2016 5:43:55 GMT
Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors.
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Deleted
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Sept 16, 2024 10:13:16 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2016 11:55:24 GMT
I would imagine it's because people don't want to be unhappy for the remainder of their lives. I mean, continuing to do something that makes you miserable just because you've already done it for 30 years doesn't really seem like a good enough reason. Our 31st anniversary is coming up in July. The only reason I'm still married to him is financial. This is not how I want to spend the rest of my life. Don't assume you need to stay with him in order to be able to support yourself financially. Because my STBXH earns so much and I earn so little (after all, I was a SAHM for 22 of our 29 yr marriage) I will be exiting the marriage with very little debt, the bulk of the 401k and 18 yrs of alimony. (which includes 18 yrs of HALF of all bonuses, employment incentives, stock awards and stock options) So not only am I going to be just fine financially, but I no longer have to deal with someone so unpleasant each and every day for the rest of my life. While no one else may do as well as I did, don't assume that you (or anyone else) needs to stay in a bad place simply due to finances.
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raindancer
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Jun 26, 2014 20:10:29 GMT
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Post by raindancer on May 7, 2016 12:04:24 GMT
Failure to communicate is definitely a problem and I would bet real money that most marriages suffer from that to some extent. But let me ask you this. What if you have told your partner that there is a problem that needs work and they respond with something like - well that is just the way I am so take it or leave it? Many couples communicate their unhappiness but if over time nothing changes what do you suggest they do? I know of couples who have even gone to counseling and at the end of the counseling got divorced because the counseling proved that the marriage was not redeemable. Good communicate can help but only if both parties are willing to make changes. I agree. I had said in an earlier post that both parties have to be committed and giving to the marriage for it to work. I actually have been married 30 years. We married fairly young and I'm sure many thought we would never still be married. Has it been a bed of roses every day for 30 years? Of course not. I'm cranky sometimes. He's cranky sometimes. We are not the 21 year olds we were. Our bodies have changed. Our minds have changed. But we talk things out. We enjoy being together. We laugh. And we both WORK at making our marriage work. The key here is you BOTH work. What would happen if he stopped caring?
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Post by refugeepea on May 7, 2016 12:11:50 GMT
While no one else may do as well as I did, don't assume that you (or anyone else) needs to stay in a bad place simply due to finances. Simply?
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Deleted
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Sept 16, 2024 10:13:16 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2016 12:21:59 GMT
While no one else may do as well as I did, don't assume that you (or anyone else) needs to stay in a bad place simply due to finances. Simply? Yes...because my response was directed to someone stating that the only reason she's with her husband now is financial.
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Post by refugeepea on May 7, 2016 12:48:47 GMT
Yes...because my response was directed to someone stating that the only reason she's with her husband now is financial. You were at least fortunate enough to have married a man with a successful career (or maybe the success came later in the marriage). I don't know her situation, but that's a difficult obstacle to overcome.
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momto4kiddos
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Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on May 7, 2016 12:55:40 GMT
Our 31st anniversary is coming up in July. The only reason I'm still married to him is financial. This is not how I want to spend the rest of my life. Don't assume you need to stay with him in order to be able to support yourself financially. Because my STBXH earns so much and I earn so little (after all, I was a SAHM for 22 of our 29 yr marriage) I will be exiting the marriage with very little debt, the bulk of the 401k and 18 yrs of alimony. (which includes 18 yrs of HALF of all bonuses, employment incentives, stock awards and stock options) So not only am I going to be just fine financially, but I no longer have to deal with someone so unpleasant each and every day for the rest of my life. While no one else may do as well as I did, don't assume that you (or anyone else) needs to stay in a bad place simply due to finances. Thanks for sharing experience! Being a long-time sahm with a self-employed husband, he has made references to there being issues with money if we were to divorce. Basically he's done a he can't move out kind of thing because he can't afford to support 2 houses - more or less a threat of you aren't going to make it type thing. Currently i'm back in school, not sure what I particularly want to do that will support me, but i'm making use of my time and moving forward. If we divorce a few years down the road, hopefully i'll have some options. Your post though serves as a great reminder that you don't have to live in fear simply due to what you perceive may be a bleak financial future.
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M in Carolina
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Jun 29, 2014 12:11:41 GMT
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Post by M in Carolina on May 7, 2016 12:59:35 GMT
I agree that you never know what goes on behind closed doors.
My parents divorced after 29 years. My dad wanted a divorce a lot sooner, but he agreed to stay married until I was finished with college and married --I got married a month after I finished college.
My mom swears that she was blindsided. She just chose to ignore their issues. She's a "my way or the highway", and my dad got sick of it. He wasn't blameless, either. They just weren't compatible.
My dad tried to get my mom to have interests other than my brother and me. She wasn't really interested. She's never worked--complains about not having money but refused to work.
My dad did find somebody else and was happy. My mom isn't happy, but she wasn't while they were married, either.
My dh and I have been married 16 years next month. We work on our marriage. We try to find interests to enjoy together. We help each other.
Marriage is like a houseplant--it needs constant care. You can't just stop watering your plant because it's tall and full of blooms. Anytime you stop caring for it, it will die. Routine maintenance will keep the plant healthy.
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Sarah*H
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Jun 25, 2014 20:07:06 GMT
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Post by Sarah*H on May 7, 2016 13:05:39 GMT
My grandparents divorced after 40 years, mainly because my grandmother was mentally ill and threw a fit about my uncle taking over my grandfather's business and filed for divorce. My grandfather didn't want to get divorced at all and eventually my grandmother changed her mind but by then it was too late and too much damage had been done. It was a pretty terrible situation but I doubt it was at all typical of late in life divorce.
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Deleted
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Sept 16, 2024 10:13:16 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2016 13:18:14 GMT
Yes...because my response was directed to someone stating that the only reason she's with her husband now is financial. You were at least fortunate enough to have married a man with a successful career (or maybe the success came later in the marriage). I don't know her situation, but that's a difficult obstacle to overcome. *sigh* Of course the financial picture CAN be a difficult obstacle to overcome. Not everyone will fare as well as I did, I'm fully aware. (because I know how well I did) I simply posted that so that if there's anyone out there that is in a relatively similar boat to not assume that they're stuck ONLY because of finances.
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Post by jenis40 on May 7, 2016 14:45:55 GMT
I remember thinking this way when I was younger but then I worked with a woman whose husband had recently retired after working a job with a lot of traveling (i.e. He was gone 4-5 days a week). She was absolutely miserable with him home all the time. This went beyond the retired spouse trying to figure out what to with themselves. It was a case of actually having to live with him 24-7 and discovering what a miserable SOB he really was rather than just putting up with him for a couple of days a week. It's a bit simplistic and I'm sure there were a lot of other things involved but this was certainly a catalyst.
In my cancer support groups, there were several women whose spouse had left them when they got ill or whose family (I.e. adult children) didn't provide much support. It's not rare for marriages to break apart during or after a serious illness. Sometimes the non-ill spouse can't handle it, sometimes the ill spouse pushes their partner away or realizes they really can't rely on them when the chips are down. Sometimes it's a divorce in name only for financial reasons. Illness like cancer is very hard on marriages. Sometimes you come through the flames together and usually stronger, sometimes it exposes a foundation that's not strong enough. Either way, it changes you. You will not be the same person pre-diagnosis.
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Post by Dori~Mama~Bear on May 7, 2016 14:48:09 GMT
Because they don't give a shit about the other person.
I would not be getting a divorce if it wasn't for him cheating on me. But obviously he didn't want to be in the marriage and he don't give a shit about me...
People that have long time happy well balanced marriages work hard every day to make their marriage that good. It takes both people to work and live the life. If one person doesn't then it makes it not a good marriage or life.
It wasn't easy for me to leave but I knew if I stayed I would have killed him. Today 2 months later I am still trying to move on with my life. It makes it harder on the person who didn't want out. It makes life harder and it makes people not always think like they should and sometimes they do stupid things. Or do things that they don't normally.
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Post by peasapie on May 7, 2016 14:55:52 GMT
Because, unless you've walked in their shoes, you have no idea of the state of their marriage. You can't change someone else, no matter how long you've been married. There's only so much one person can take before shouting ENOUGH!! Because you can tell them time and again how you feel and if they don't take steps to fix it, then what? Are you doomed to stay in a marriage that is sucking the life out of you just because some people say divorce is never an option? I used to think like you, OP. Then I got married, and have been married for 21 years, and now I understand. I couldn't agree with you more. And the people who think divorce is an easy out honestly have no idea. Divorce is so hard. But there is the promise, at the end of a long, dark tunnel, that life will be happier and that you won't feel miserable every day and that maybe, just maybe, your life isn't over because you made the wrong choice many years before. No one knows what goes on in another person's marriage.
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oldcrow
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Jun 26, 2014 12:25:29 GMT
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Post by oldcrow on May 7, 2016 15:02:28 GMT
I agree. I had said in an earlier post that both parties have to be committed and giving to the marriage for it to work. I actually have been married 30 years. We married fairly young and I'm sure many thought we would never still be married. Has it been a bed of roses every day for 30 years? Of course not. I'm cranky sometimes. He's cranky sometimes. We are not the 21 year olds we were. Our bodies have changed. Our minds have changed. But we talk things out. We enjoy being together. We laugh. And we both WORK at making our marriage work. The key here is you BOTH work. What would happen if he stopped caring? If EITHER partner stops caring the marriage is essentially over. All that is left is to sweep up the mess.
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Post by sues on May 7, 2016 22:12:31 GMT
(will hopefully have my divorce finalized prior to my 29th anniversary in June) Congratulations- and I hope you get your wish. When I was a kid in the 70's, if you asked me what I really wished for - if I was being honest, I'd have told you "For my parents to get divorced." I was so ENVIOUS of friends with divorced parents. I didn't understand why it was this traumatic thing that people whispered about and felt sorry about. I had no idea- and as a kid, I didn't connect the dots, either. The sense of relief I felt when my dad wasn't coming home after work because of a meeting. The insane anticipation of having the house to ourselves when he went on fishing trips. How- when my friends' parents yelled or got angry- it wasn't even a blip on my radar. But faced with a regular family dynamic- a dad that was plugged in or OMG!- affectionate? I could not begin to understand that. It was uncomfortable. Like "Why are these people putting on an act? Who do they think they're kidding? Do they know how phony they are?" It didn't even occur to me that it wasn't an act- some dads just enjoy their kids- until I was a senior in HS. I don't know what our lives would have been like if my parents got divorced. We had a lot of advantages financially, we did a lot of things my friends didn't get to do. I know my dad was the way he was because of the way he was raised. He knew he was better than his dad because he made a good living and supported his family- he gave us things and opportunities he never had. My mother was never in the perilous situation his mom was put in when he was growing up. I don't think he really had it in him to be affectionate or to realize the damage his temper was doing/had done over the years. He righted the biggest wrong he experienced in his own childhood- thus, he was a 'good dad'. Realizing that as an adult keeps me from holding a grudge or being bitter. It doesn't change anything - but I'm not angry about it anymore.
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Post by SabrinaM on May 7, 2016 23:08:33 GMT
That is my thought as well. My thought is ... if you were THAT miserable, why in the hell would you have stayed for 30 years? Often there are young children involved. Unless there is abuse, I can imagine that it's easier to stay than make the tough choice to leave.
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Post by iamkristinl16 on May 7, 2016 23:30:13 GMT
People change and life changes.
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moodyblue
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Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on May 7, 2016 23:45:46 GMT
I think people get older and realize that they only have one life and anything can happen at any time to end it. They decide that they don't want to live out whatever time remains in a marriage that isn't making them happy. I think many of them leave with a sense of relief or hope for better to come.
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rickmer
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Jul 1, 2014 20:20:18 GMT
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Post by rickmer on May 8, 2016 0:07:34 GMT
my parents divorced after 23 years of marriage. after all that time??? yah, she was sicking of saying the same thing over and over again. my dad was *devastated* and never got over her. sometimes it's too little too late.
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