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Post by christine58 on May 8, 2016 0:09:29 GMT
Unmarried women will exhibit desire for a man whether he is married or not. Can you clarify what you mean by that? Are you saying that unmarried women are so desperate they will go after any man? WTF??? This unmarried woman is offended...
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oldcrow
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,828
Location: Ontario,Canada
Jun 26, 2014 12:25:29 GMT
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Post by oldcrow on May 8, 2016 0:49:23 GMT
Can you clarify what you mean by that? Are you saying that unmarried women are so desperate they will go after any man? WTF??? This unmarried woman is offended... I apologize. You are right to infer that married women belong in the same group. I should have been more accurate and just said women.
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garcia5050
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,761
Location: So. Calif.
Jun 25, 2014 23:22:29 GMT
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Post by garcia5050 on May 8, 2016 0:55:48 GMT
I think as people grow older they start to realize their own mortality and possibly don't want the spend what time they have left on this earth in a situation they aren't happy with. I can't blame people for that. It sucks to be the person blindsided, but for me personally I wouldn't want someone to stay with me just because they feel obligated. Frankly, it is no ones business why someone decides to leave. In most cases, it is the right decision. like the OP, I also wonder. But it comes from a place of curiosity, not nosiness. Usually, my curiosity stems from meeting two super sweet, kind, gentle people who are married, and later hear they split. I usually think, wow, if they can't make it, how the hell are my husband and I going to make it? Because obviously, we aren't that kind, sweet, or gentle.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 16, 2024 10:11:50 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 8, 2016 1:09:52 GMT
Frankly, it is no ones business why someone decides to leave. In most cases, it is the right decision. like the OP, I also wonder. But it comes from a place of curiosity, not nosiness. Usually, my curiosity stems from meeting two super sweet, kind, gentle people who are married, and later hear they split. I usually think, wow, if they can't make it, how the hell are my husband and I going to make it? Because obviously, we aren't that kind, sweet, or gentle. Because sometimes, people are not at all who they portray themselves to be. My Monday - Saturday husband was NOTHING like the husband that sang in the church choir or led the boy scout pack. People that only know him from church or scouts may believe him to be the sweetest, kindest and most gentle person on the planet, but they don't know the same man that I know. Seeing the way my husband behaved at church and compared it to what I got at home is what made me leave the church several years ago. I know this sounds dramatic, but I was sick and tired of being sickened at the mask he wore on Sundays. I knew he was not the same person and that simply fed into the issues that I've had with the church since I was very young. Hypocrisy.
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Post by spitfiregirl on May 8, 2016 2:24:10 GMT
Are people even meant to stay together forever? Or is it a society expectation?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 16, 2024 10:11:50 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 8, 2016 2:30:34 GMT
I don't think it's the length of marriage that is the trigger but instead possibly the age of the person. Based on Eriksons developmental stages, there is a stage of development that kicks in about age 65 called Ego integrity vs despair. In this stage we look back in life and feel a sense of fulfilment (all going well). If all hasn't gone well. We have regrets and despair which can be a motivator for change. The stage before that is for people in the age range of 40-65, so the closer you get to 65, the closer you get to those feelings. These stages are a theory and not black and white where one day you wake up age 65 and you're in the next stage. We are fluid and moving towards certain stages and away from others.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 16, 2024 10:11:50 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 8, 2016 10:44:25 GMT
Are people even meant to stay together forever? Or is it a society expectation? Meant to stay together? If that's what they want and are both happy then yes. What an odd question.
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Post by anonrefugee on May 8, 2016 11:05:14 GMT
I can't say I've enjoyed reading this thread, but it's made me feel I'm not so unusual. I'm not sure we will stay together after kids are out of the house. DH thinks it's enough that he loves me, too often does his own thing even after making a different a decision with me. I've waited for a relationship with him that's not going to happen, no matter what he says. Actions really do speak more than words. And when I react, he feels sorry for himself. I've gone all out for our marriage, for him. We / He's in therapy, but not wanting to do the work. I try to stay optimistic that we will make it. But I'm getting ducks in a row for a split. It's a scary thought, and enticing too.
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oldcrow
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,828
Location: Ontario,Canada
Jun 26, 2014 12:25:29 GMT
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Post by oldcrow on May 8, 2016 11:50:57 GMT
Are people even meant to stay together forever? Or is it a society expectation? Very good question. Historically speaking there were good reasons for *forever* but those reasons do not really pertain to today. And marriages were not forged out of love but instead for financial and political reasons. Women were chattels and treated as such in the sense of I own this and it will remain in my possession forever. Up until the 20th century and actually a good ways into that century a man could have both a wife and a mistress (or simply sex with other women) and society accepted that as normal. By mid 20th century that changed and monogamy became what society expected of both partners. So perhaps the question is not really about staying together but instead about whether monogamy is causing the problem.
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Post by pretzels on May 8, 2016 12:14:10 GMT
I've been married for 21 years, and am in the middle of getting my stuff together so that I can file later this year.
Why now? Our kids are old enough that there won't be an ugly custody battle (they're 17 and 14). Also, housing in our small town is limited, so I may have to go to a neighboring town to find something. Since my oldest can drive, getting the kids to school won't be a huge issue (there are lots of towns close by).
Finally, all I want is to get out of this marriage. I don't want the house, nor any alimony or part of his retirement or anything. And I finally have a job where I make enough money that I can support myself and our kids without any financial help from him. So I'm getting things together, and hope to be able to file by November. I'm actually hoping he will agree to mediation, as all I really want from him is a joint custody agreement with our children, my grandmother's dining room table, and him to agree to transfer my current vehicle from his name to mine. That's it. Hopefully, he will be amenable and mediation will be all we need.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on May 8, 2016 17:01:48 GMT
Are people even meant to stay together forever? Or is it a society expectation? When I was younger, I wouldn't have understood this and would've said yes, that people are meant to be together forever. As I've gotten older and hit 50, I no longer agree with that. I still have the "romantic" idea of being with one person until death but realistically, I'm not so sure anymore and understand better now why people split.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on May 8, 2016 17:04:13 GMT
I can't say I've enjoyed reading this thread, but it's made me feel I'm not so unusual. I'm not sure we will stay together after kids are out of the house. DH thinks it's enough that he loves me, too often does his own thing even after making a different a decision with me. I've waited for a relationship with him that's not going to happen, no matter what he says. Actions really do speak more than words. And when I react, he feels sorry for himself. I've gone all out for our marriage, for him. We / He's in therapy, but not wanting to do the work. I try to stay optimistic that we will make it. But I'm getting ducks in a row for a split. It's a scary thought, and enticing too. I am right there with you. Optimistically holding on but as time has gone on, I can feel a seed of doubt being planted.
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Post by spitfiregirl on May 8, 2016 17:41:48 GMT
Are people even meant to stay together forever? Or is it a society expectation? Meant to stay together? If that's what they want and are both happy then yes. What an odd question. it's not odd if you think about how some animals mate for life and some don't.
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Post by anonrefugee on May 8, 2016 18:05:05 GMT
I can't say I've enjoyed reading this thread, but it's made me feel I'm not so unusual. I'm not sure we will stay together after kids are out of the house. DH thinks it's enough that he loves me, too often does his own thing even after making a different a decision with me. I've waited for a relationship with him that's not going to happen, no matter what he says. Actions really do speak more than words. And when I react, he feels sorry for himself. I've gone all out for our marriage, for him. We / He's in therapy, but not wanting to do the work. I try to stay optimistic that we will make it. But I'm getting ducks in a row for a split. It's a scary thought, and enticing too. I am right there with you. Optimistically holding on but as time has gone on, I can feel a seed of doubt being planted. It's odd, isn't it? I'm growing comfortable believing we had good run parenting together, but not partnering for the next phase of life.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on May 8, 2016 18:11:34 GMT
I am right there with you. Optimistically holding on but as time has gone on, I can feel a seed of doubt being planted. It's odd, isn't it? I'm growing comfortable believing we had good run parenting together, but not partnering for the next phase of life. That's interesting that you mention the parenting thing. Today is our anniversary and I looked at every "husband" card at CVS. I ended up with the very first one since it mentioned that we've done a good raising kids together. Many of them were far too mushy and I wasn't feeling that side of things. I also understand what you mean when he says the right things, but doesn't follow it up with actions. I'm sure if I read "5 Love Languages" one of mine would be "quality time" and "physical touch." Don't get a whole lot of either one.
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Post by lisacharlotte on May 8, 2016 18:24:03 GMT
I've always viewed my marriage as a permanent commitment. After 25 years there have been very rough times where I wasn't sure we would make it. However, one thing we did do was put our marriage before our child. I knew that one day it would just be us, and we needed to have more than being parents together in common. Anything can happen, but we talk about our future (retirement) together and the things we'll do. I'd rather spend time with him than anyone else. I believe he feels the same way. It's comforting to know that after all this time together we like each other. If something ever happens (divorce/death) I don't see remarriage in my future. I don't think at this age I'm willing to make all the compromises required in a marriage with someone new.
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Post by mrsscrapdiva on May 9, 2016 13:21:24 GMT
I don't think this is an odd question at all. I think it is an interesting one. I have never believed that there is just one person out there for everyone and I do believe life is what you make of it - good or bad. Why stay in a situation that is not going to change and you will never be happy in it. I am usually just surprised when people separate or divorce because I am like, wow, I can't believe they actually went thru with it, divorce isn't an easy process for most.
In life we have options: - solve the problem (change the situation) - feel better about the problem - tolerate the problem - stay miserable
And I agree with the others, you NEVER know what exactly is going on in other people's lives or minds.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 16, 2024 10:11:50 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2016 15:30:00 GMT
I don't think this is an odd question at all. Same here. It's a thoughtful question. "Forever" used to be a lot LOT shorter. Life expectancy from ancient times until well after the civil war was mid-30s to mid-50s (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Life_expectancy#Variation_over_time). Women died in childbirth A LOT. So what we meant by "forever" was a very different thing than what we mean now, where life expectancies are much longer. I think whatever works for you, works for you and society should stop shoving people down one single path that is supposed to work for millions of different temperaments, finances, communication styles, personalities and desires.
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notjustmom
Shy Member
Posts: 40
Nov 7, 2018 22:45:58 GMT
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Post by notjustmom on Jun 5, 2019 14:07:18 GMT
Resurrecting this thread. I am filing papers this weekend. I was unhappy for many years, and my husband still does not get it. I am trying to salvage what is left of my life and financial future.
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Post by Prenticekid on Jun 5, 2019 14:30:25 GMT
Are people even meant to stay together forever? Or is it a society expectation? Meant to stay together? If that's what they want and are both happy then yes. What an odd question. What an odd response. When did we start talking about happily married couples? Her question is totally relevant to this thread. While I believe that there are a myriad of reasons for a marriage to end at any point, I also think there are phases to most marriages of otherwise happily married individuals and sometimes patience is needed by one or both to continue in the marriage. For instance, there is the 7-year itch. There is the 15 year mark where people are finally comfortable or at least accepting with each other's differences. If you are 50, and you've been married since you were such a young 20, and you're looking around at your life and finding it wanting, your marriage and/or your spouse is an easy target.
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Post by disneypal on Jun 5, 2019 14:34:43 GMT
I didn't read all the replied but....I had an aunt/uncle divorce after 27 years of marriage.
The truth of the matter is that for the last 10-12 years of the marriage, they were unhappy but they tried to make it work, so they could have divorced at 15 years but they kept trying. Eventually, my aunt met someone else and thought she'd be happier with him and she fell in love with the other man.
I use to not understand it either but after their divorce, my uncle met someone else - both my aunt & uncle remarried and have been married to the new people longer than they were to each other. They are much happier. They married young and their interests changed, they grew into different people and it was best they be with someone else.
They still have a good relationship with each other (they have 2 kids and 2 grandkids). All worked out much better for them.
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Post by roundtwo on Jun 5, 2019 14:46:17 GMT
Resurrecting this thread. I am filing papers this weekend. I was unhappy for many years, and my husband still does not get it. I am trying to salvage what is left of my life and financial future. It's not an easy decision to make and I wish you peace and fulfillment moving forward. Hopefully you can salvage something great.
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Deleted
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Sept 16, 2024 10:11:50 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2019 15:06:17 GMT
My husband asked me if I wanted to separate. Why? Because the brothers are finding new ways to make me cry. We aren’t separating, but greed can really destroy a family.
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Post by bc2ca on Jun 5, 2019 15:06:46 GMT
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Jun 5, 2019 15:14:49 GMT
I'm answering before reading any of the replies: 1) because they're not the same people they were 30 years ago when they got married; they 'grew apart' instead of figuring out what their common interests are 2) because they were staying together 'for the good of the kids' and the kids are finally all grown and out of the house 3) because they thought it was the 'right' thing to do, to stay together (marriage = 'till death do us part') but they finally decided that was a bunch of hooey and they were more miserable together than if they split up, and they realized they didn't want to waste any more of their lives being miserable any number of reasons, basically... ETA: I didn't realize till I saw grinningcat's name that this was an old thread. I am sorry to hear about your news, notjustmom. (but your username is a nod to the fact that there is more to life than just being a parent-- I wish you the best of luck going forward into the next phase of your life.)
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Post by trixiecat on Jun 5, 2019 15:16:08 GMT
My husbands parents divorced after 38 years of marriage. Over the years he was verbally abusive sometimes. She was dependent on him financially and they had a son who was mentally handicapped. When it came time for them to sell their family home, she said to him, "we don't get along so why don't we go our own separate ways". The irony of this was she didn't even know how to write a check when she moved into an apartment. She ended up thriving. He was so lonely and unsettled he moved to a different apartment every year for five years until he died suddenly.
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Just T
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,771
Jun 26, 2014 1:20:09 GMT
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Post by Just T on Jun 5, 2019 15:24:50 GMT
However, one thing we did do was put our marriage before our child. I knew that one day it would just be us, and we needed to have more than being parents together in common. I used to be one of those who wondered why someone would get divorced after so long. Now, I get it. My husband is a great dad, fantastic. He grew up with a terrible father, and he decided he was going to be a very different kind of father than he had. And he was, but the kids for sure always came first. Always. I will admit I probably wasn't the best at putting him first, either. I was a stay at home mom to 4 kids, so life was crazy. I had no family nearby to help watch them, and I was picky about babysitters, and besides, it was expensive to pay a babysitter to watch four kids. So we didn't have many date nights over the years, but we did lots together as a family. Our 33 anniversary is Saturday. Now, the kids are grown and mostly gone. One daughter is out of college and working and still lives at home, the other daughter is in college. My sons are both out of the house and on their own. And now, we really have nothing in common at all. He travels a lot, both for work, and to run marathons. So I spend a great deal of time alone, sometimes weeks of weekends in a row. I doubt we are all that unusual, and now, I totally can understand why people get divorced after they have been married for so long
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georgiapea
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,846
Jun 27, 2014 18:02:10 GMT
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Post by georgiapea on Jun 5, 2019 15:57:43 GMT
My DD has a miserable marriage but she endures it to keep the family together. Both her own DD's have divorced but she hangs in there pretending the together thing is worth it.
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stittsygirl
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,600
Location: In the leaves and rain.
Jun 25, 2014 19:57:33 GMT
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Post by stittsygirl on Jun 5, 2019 16:30:07 GMT
I don't think you can blame "instant gratification" if a couple has been married for 30 years! They had obviously put in a lot of time. My parents divorced after about 20 years. I've been married 22 and I consider it. Won't go into all the details but I agree that just because you've put up with something for so long doesn't mean you should continue to have to. I think it's pretty common actually for couples to wait until their kids are grown and then part a while after. This. My husband and I have been married for almost 25 years and divorce had been in the table for a while until only recently. It was my wish, not his. In my case, though, I didn’t necessarily marry for love but more to meet the cultural and family expectations I was raised with. I’ve been dealing with a lot of baggage about that ever since and that played a huge part in my desire to be independent again. But I did have a change of heart this past year and now we’re really working on staying together and I’m working on being happy. It could still happen though anyway. I’m not going to stay in a situation that makes me miserable. Time is getting too short for that.
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rickmer
Pearl Clutcher
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Jul 1, 2014 20:20:18 GMT
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Post by rickmer on Jun 5, 2019 17:22:34 GMT
funny, i wrote my reply in 2016 commenting on my parents marriage and was still with STBX at that point, slogging along for all the reasons listed in previous pages... we have been split since jan of last year (although *still* in the same house peas....) and a couple of people responded with shock and comments such as "i thought you guys were fine". right, because that is what we *wanted* you to think. i had been unhappy for years, asked about counselling, tried talking, tried writing letters, tried ignoring it, i cried, i got angry... i felt i had tried everything. my STBX would say he was "totally blindsided" while acknowledging that yes, he knew things weren't good. he just thought he had time and i would wait and it would get better later. notjustmom - this process has been the hardest, more painful thing i have ever done. but when i think of the alternative (staying in the relationship) i quickly realize that was NOT an option, and refocus and put my chin up and my shoulders back and continue on. all the best to you ((hugs))
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