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Post by cath4k on May 6, 2016 15:24:39 GMT
Abuse and infidelity aside, why do people divorce after 30ish years? I know that is a vague question and has many answers, but I have trouble wrapping my head around it sometimes. Yet another couple friend of mine is divorcing because one spouse just decided they don't want to live that life anymore. Off the top of my head, I can think of six couples (people I know IRL) where one of the couple just seemingly randomly decide to walk away. The couples are evenly split as far as whether the man or the woman decided to leave.
In every case, the spouse who was left didn't see it coming. There were no unusual problems in the marriage. It is like the other person just faded away from the relationship. None of the ones who left tried to salvage the relationship by bringing issues to their spouse or seeking counseling or anything. It is like they just woke up one day and decided they were done for no known reason.
One said she just wasn't happy and wanted a change. One said her spouse was too attentive. One gave no reason at all and said he didn't know why he was leaving. One said he didn't want any drama in his life. Etc.
Why do you think this happens so often? What do you think can be done to prevent it from happening?
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grinningcat
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Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on May 6, 2016 15:28:26 GMT
Their relationship isn't what it used to be and they've decided to part ways instead of just settling? Whether it's 30 days, 30 months, or 30 years, there are a myriad of reasons why people get divorced, including that they are different people than they were 30 years ago.
Do you think that because they have been married for so long that they should just suck it up? I'm not sure I understand what you're asking.
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Post by debmast on May 6, 2016 15:30:18 GMT
My (ex) Brother in Law did this. My sister was blindsided. They had two grown daughters, a grandchild and a second on the way. He swore he had "felt that way a long time" and wouldn't go to counseling or anything.
He just decided he didn't want to be married anymore. *I* think he was interested in someone else, and thought divorcing would make a difference to her. It did not.
Fast forward 15 years later. He is a miserable, now older, SOB who is very unhappy with his life.
My sister was very sad at first. Then she decided she wasn't letting HIS decision ruin her life. She is one of the happiest people I know. She loves her job (PreK teacher). Spends much time with her daughters and grandchildren. Travels with friends.
Why do I think it happens? Because in this day and age people want instant gratification. They also don't have the dedication that they had back in the day to their marriage. Marriage is WORK! My mom once told me for a marriage to work, both parties need to be giving 150%. It's easier for some to divorce that put in the effort to make it work.
What can be done? That I don't know!
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Dalai Mama
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Post by Dalai Mama on May 6, 2016 15:31:43 GMT
I would imagine it's because people don't want to be unhappy for the remainder of their lives. I mean, continuing to do something that makes you miserable just because you've already done it for 30 years doesn't really seem like a good enough reason.
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Deleted
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Sept 16, 2024 10:24:28 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2016 15:33:49 GMT
In every case, the spouse who was left didn't see it coming. There were no unusual problems in the marriage. It is like the other person just faded away from the relationship. None of the ones who left tried to salvage the relationship by bringing issues to their spouse or seeking counseling or anything. It is like they just woke up one day and decided they were done for no known reason. You have absolutely no idea what goes on in someone elses marriage and I'm not really sure why you have to know why someone is divorcing.
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perumbula
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Jun 26, 2014 18:51:17 GMT
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Post by perumbula on May 6, 2016 15:34:15 GMT
It's baffling to me as well. I would hope after 30 years my husband gives me a chance to make things right. We did agree several years ago when we had a spate of friends divorcing that if one of us requested counseling, the other would go willingly.
I do sometimes wonder if some of these long time divorces don't have a little bit to do with a midlife crisis or undiagnosed depression.
That said, one can never know what the marriage was really like from the inside. Maybe the person leaving the relationship did express their unhappiness and the other one chose to ignore it. That happens too. The one being left feels blindsided, but the one leaving is frustrated because they spent years asking for change and realized it would never happen.
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luvnlifelady
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Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on May 6, 2016 15:34:48 GMT
I can see where it would be shocking and sometimes seem like it's out of nowhere too. I'm thinking maybe financial or health problems like untreated depression or out of control spending, lack of saving for the future, etc. Just a couple reasons that I would suspect that long-term marriages break up.
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luvnlifelady
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Post by luvnlifelady on May 6, 2016 15:36:49 GMT
It's baffling to me as well. I would hope after 30 years my husband gives me a chance to make things right. We did agree several years ago when we had a spate of friends divorcing that if one of us requested counseling, the other would go willingly. I do sometimes wonder if some of these long time divorces don't have a little bit to do with a midlife crisis or undiagnosed depression. That said, one can never know what the marriage was really like from the inside. Maybe the person leaving the relationship did express their unhappiness and the other one chose to ignore it. That happens too. The one being left feels blindsided, but the one leaving is frustrated because they spent years asking for change and realized it would never happen. Looks like we were thinking along the same lines with the untreated depression. If someone has basically checked out of life and won't try to get help, that would be very frustrating to live with day in and day out.
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paget
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Post by paget on May 6, 2016 15:38:37 GMT
I don't think you can blame "instant gratification" if a couple has been married for 30 years! They had obviously put in a lot of time. My parents divorced after about 20 years. I've been married 22 and I consider it. Won't go into all the details but I agree that just because you've put up with something for so long doesn't mean you should continue to have to. I think it's pretty common actually for couples to wait until their kids are grown and then part a while after.
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Post by melanell on May 6, 2016 15:42:46 GMT
I think there are a million different reasons, but one that immediately came to me is that for some couples, by the time 30 years have gone by, their children are completely raised and likely moved out.
And there is a very different dynamic to a house with kids (a kid) in it than a house without. And a couple may not realize that they are drifting apart when so much of their home time is wrapped up in their children's lives. Then when the kids move out and it's just the 2 of them, they look at one another and either they don't know how to be together anymore, or they realize that they really don't want to be.
(Retirement of one or both spouses is another huge shift in the family dynamic as well and could also lead to similar situations.)
DH & I love our kids, but we have a list of things we are looking forward to hopefully trying and doing once they are grown. So we're actively planning for that point in life, and while I don't think something so simple could keep a couple together, I think it can't hurt. I know other couples work against that issue by regularly scheduling time for just the 2 of them. Another small step that can't hurt.
But again, that's just one of countless reasons why things can fall apart for a couple after a few decades together.
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Post by chaosisapony on May 6, 2016 15:43:14 GMT
I wonder the same thing.
It happened with my mom and stepdad a couple of years ago. He wakes up one morning that tells her he's not happy and wants to leave. She had no clue, no idea at all that anything was wrong. I really think there was some kind of midlife crisis going on there. Especially since a year later he had a girlfriend much younger than him that looks exactly like my mom did at that age.
I'm not against divorce or anything but I do think that after so many years you kinda owe it to your spouse to let them know what's going on in your head and attend counseling to try to save the relationship. Why take marriage vows if you're not going to attempt to keep them?
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naby64
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Jun 25, 2014 21:44:13 GMT
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Post by naby64 on May 6, 2016 15:45:59 GMT
Sometimes couples will wait until all the children have reached the age of 18 and have "left" the house. That can make things easier.
Sometimes you just get tired of what you have put up with and why be unhappy forever. If most people were married somewhat youngish, like me, after 30 yrs there's still a lot of life left and being unhappy might not be worth it.
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MorningPerson
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Jul 4, 2014 21:35:44 GMT
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Post by MorningPerson on May 6, 2016 15:47:29 GMT
I know many couples who divorced after 25+ years of marriage.
An old family friend just left her husband of 45 years and is enjoying life to the fullest. You just don't know the unhappiness that someone is experiencing if it isn't you.
All of these marriage-endings are the reason that I will never "rest on my laurels" and assume that, just because DH and I have been married almost 35 years, that we will always be together. I always cringe a little when a poster here seems so positive that their marriage will never, never, ever end.
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Post by melanell on May 6, 2016 15:48:11 GMT
One couple I know that divorced later on in the marriage did so because of age-related medical issues. The couple had many years between them, and while you promise "in sickness and in health", sometimes one or both find that they can't deal with that the way they may have imagined. In this case, one of the pair felt that they still had so much life to live, and they wanted to live it in a way that the spouse just couldn't do anymore. They decided it was best to part ways.
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luvnlifelady
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Post by luvnlifelady on May 6, 2016 15:51:25 GMT
I don't think you can blame "instant gratification" if a couple has been married for 30 years! They had obviously put in a lot of time. My parents divorced after about 20 years. I've been married 22 and I consider it. Won't go into all the details but I agree that just because you've put up with something for so long doesn't mean you should continue to have to. I think it's pretty common actually for couples to wait until their kids are grown and then part a while after. We hit 22 on Sunday and I've considered it off/on. We're attending a workshop next month and our communication has been better of late, so I'm still hoping. I also think as people hit 50, (about the time some have been married 30 years or close to) they think "is this all there is?" If they aren't happy with the answer, they may end the marriage and search for what is missing. As someone else pointed out too, it's often when kids are launched and then couples start looking at each other and realize they barely know the other person anymore.
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Deleted
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Sept 16, 2024 10:24:28 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2016 15:53:54 GMT
I think as people grow older they start to realize their own mortality and possibly don't want the spend what time they have left on this earth in a situation they aren't happy with.
I can't blame people for that. It sucks to be the person blindsided, but for me personally I wouldn't want someone to stay with me just because they feel obligated.
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Post by mom on May 6, 2016 15:57:25 GMT
My guess is that in many cases, financial issues are probably at the root. Outsiders may never know anything was wrong. But financial infidelity is just as damaging as physical infidelity.
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momto4kiddos
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Post by momto4kiddos on May 6, 2016 15:58:36 GMT
My feeling is you just don't know what goes on behind closed doors. We all have heard a story where one spouse actually abused the other even physically and no one saw it going on (and everyone loved the abuser because he didn't show this side.) So my feeling really is, you have no idea what goes on once that door closes.
Just marked 27 years here, the kids are almost grown. We have problems, which are apparent to some, not to others (most wouldn't know unless they were told.) Slightly different from the scenario you mentioned, we've been to marriage counseling (2 different people.) Unfortunately it hasn't helped, it's like pulling teeth to get any changes and really I think he goes into it hoping they'll change me and he won't need to change (we both need to change!)
While he's not abusive so to speak, he's not invested in our marriage and doesn't care about my feelings. The last counselor who i'm seeing basically said he swims in the shallow end where he doesn't have to deal with anything deep or deal with anyone else. Given all this, i'm contemplating MY future because living with someone who thinks a good conversation is one about discussing the weather has gotten very old. And you know what, I think he'd be blindsided even given the fact he shouldn't be.
I know this doesn't encompass what everyone goes through, but I really just think you never know what is going on with people behind closed doors. And you know those people who didn't see it coming, it may be sudden and you wouldn't have seen it or it may be the case like hubby where he's just used to being in his world and just can't imagine i'd actually go through with it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2016 15:59:32 GMT
I'm considering it, but preliminary investigation indicates I may have to pay alimony. That ain't happening.
I have checked out. Husband crossed the line in the sand and undid months of good that came from counseling. He flat out stated he is "done" with one of our sons (20 yrs old with depression/anxiety issues, poss BPD). He shows clear favoritism to our daughter, even over me. I understand you may like one child from time to time (especially when you have teens, lol) but you should love your children unconditionally. So much hurt that I doubt can be repaired.
Financially, I am the breadwinner. He's self employed and has been for 24 years - our entire marriage. Once again this week there is no paycheck from him. I am supposed to figure it out.
He senses he effed up (well over a month ago) and is suddenly doing things around the house, trying to plan something for my 50th, asking about mother's day. I don't want him involved in those things anymore. It's just too stressful for me to walk on eggshells around him, so I keep busy with volunteering and work.
Sorry so long winded but if I could divorce him without having to pay HIM I would.
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zookeeper
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Post by zookeeper on May 6, 2016 15:59:39 GMT
My parents divorced after 37 years of marriage. My father had never been faithful to my mother and honestly, he was a mean man. One summer he got involved with "the other woman" and she demanded that my dad divorce my mom to be with her. So he did. It was the best thing that my father ever did for my mother because she was never going to ask for a divorce herself.
Now...my father is married to that miserable hag and he lives every day in misery being nagged to death and my mother is incredibly happy with a long term boyfriend. They travel together and have a ton of fun and best of all...he treats my mom like a queen!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2016 16:02:46 GMT
There have been a few threads recently where many Peas have confessed that they don't get attention/affection from the their husbands or that their husbands never communicate with them. Things like that are going to just wear you down over time and for me personally divorce would be the answer. Why stay with someone who puts in no effort and is totally unconcerned about your happiness, yes I am responsible for my own happiness but when you marry someone you kind of expect that they will be with you in that. I made my marriage vows with the intention of keeping them forever but who knows what might happen or what might change between now and death?
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Post by refugeepea on May 6, 2016 16:04:14 GMT
Because the marriage was dead years ago and you had no idea.
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Post by Fidget on May 6, 2016 16:14:51 GMT
I've also wondered this myself! My uncle walked away from his marriage after 51 years!!! He was in his 70's. This happened a few months after my Mom died (his sister), I never found out why.
Maybe the one who leaves is tired and feels they put forth more effort than the other? I feel this way sometimes but would not leave my DH of 33 years because of it.
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Deleted
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Sept 16, 2024 10:24:28 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2016 16:17:21 GMT
I think there are a million different reasons, but one that immediately came to me is that for some couples, by the time 30 years have gone by, their children are completely raised and likely moved out. And there is a very different dynamic to a house with kids (a kid) in it than a house without. And a couple may not realize that they are drifting apart when so much of their home time is wrapped up in their children's lives. Then when the kids move out and it's just the 2 of them, they look at one another and either they don't know how to be together anymore, or they realize that they really don't want to be. (Retirement of one or both spouses is another huge shift in the family dynamic as well and could also lead to similar situations.) DH & I love our kids, but we have a list of things we are looking forward to hopefully trying and doing once they are grown. So we're actively planning for that point in life, and while I don't think something so simple could keep a couple together, I think it can't hurt. I know other couples work against that issue by regularly scheduling time for just the 2 of them. Another small step that can't hurt. lots of good answers here. I can identify with this one the most. The child rearing years were hard for me. As the youngest ones became teenagers, we discovered that we really liked each other again by traveling, camping, and being together alone without the kids. I'm not sure if we would have made it the distance if we had not discovered that we really liked each other without the kids. We are at 49 years now, have grown grandchildren and we are best friends as well as lovers. Parenting is hard.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2016 16:19:09 GMT
I would imagine it's because people don't want to be unhappy for the remainder of their lives. I mean, continuing to do something that makes you miserable just because you've already done it for 30 years doesn't really seem like a good enough reason. I doubt the reasons are much different than those who decide to divorce at any other time. It's just not working for them anymore, for whatever reason. It's not like there is a time value of marriage that you're throwing away if you divorce after X number of years.
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Post by spitfiregirl on May 6, 2016 16:25:19 GMT
I vote for ... the kids are grown and gone and now they have nothing in common... besides the kids ...
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oldcrow
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Post by oldcrow on May 6, 2016 16:26:43 GMT
If the couple is divorcing after 30 years there is a good chance that the marriage was over long before this. And if one of the couple feels blindsided then more than likely one or more of the following was happening.
1) they were getting what they wanted out of the relationship and were happy
2) they just ignored the bad signs hoping they would go away
3) they didn't care if their partner was getting what the partner needed
4) they were letting something (like children or job) hold them together rather than working at having a relationship with their partner.
There are probably more that could be added to this list but that is all that is at the top of my mind.
When my one sister got divorced she was totally blindsided, she thought they had the perfect marriage (of 15 yrs or so). She was happy as a pig in poo until her XDH came home one day and said he was tired of being married and ended it. No, he did not have a girlfriend and didn't actually date for about 2 years. She one the other hand started dating almost immediately, called on every friend she had to help hook her up with a man. And no, sex was definitely not what she was looking for.
She made more money than him and everyone knew it. She took a travel vacation every year with a girlfriend or family member even though he could not get the time off. Sex was off the list of things to do as far as she was concerned, as she said she did her duty if she had to. The man felt pussy whipped and knew that she would make changes to save the marriage but the changes would make her unhappy in the long run. So he decided to cut his loses and end things. They are both remarried and happy as far as anyone can tell from the outside looking in.
I have seen a lot of marriages come and go. And have been surprised at which ones have lasted and which ones hardly even got started.
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Post by debmast on May 6, 2016 16:35:28 GMT
I don't think you can use a blanket statement like "there were problems" either. EVERY marriage has problems. There is no perfect relationship. But you both have to be willing to work on them.
And my "instant gradification" was to the fact that the person sees something/someone that now appeals to them more and they go for that "new and shiny" thing (person, relationship, what you have) rather than work on the relationship they already have. I think often midlife crisis type thing plays into it.
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Post by holly on May 6, 2016 16:41:05 GMT
I think some spouses don't talk so one may be unhappy and not share that. Then thinks about leaving for years, comes to terms with it, finally does it and the other spouse is blindsided. Lack of communication for many reasons.
I had a conversation with my BFF yesterday who should probably divorce Her DH but probably never will. But if she does it will be way after the kids are gone, so after 25+ years of marriage. He's verbally abusive to her. She tells him she's unhappy in the relationship, she asks for what she wants and he refuses to give it to her. He puts all the blame on her, she's too sensitive, he's "just joking", or just gets mad and leaves the fight. I recommended a seperation and she said that he would lord that over her for the rest of her life. "You abandoned me and the kids" or "you kicked me out of the house" . In social situations he mocks her and puts her down, "jokes" that she has a boyfriend. We don't hang out as a couple anymore because my DH doesn't like how he treats her and I know they have lost friends in the past (before we met) due to the same thing. He's just an ass. And his son is becoming his mini me. Treating his girlfriend the same way. It's really sad but I know she won't leave him:(
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Post by lucyg on May 6, 2016 16:41:25 GMT
I agree with much of what has been said above, but I wanted to add this one thought. My experience, over 40+ years of adulthood watching family and friends go through this, is that when a woman leaves for what looks like no good reason, it's usually because she's been miserable for years and was just waiting for the kids to grow up to re-invent herself. When a man leaves for what looks like no good reason, there's another woman involved that he just hasn't admitted to yet. ^^^^^yeah, occasionally there was some hidden problem in the marriage like abuse, infidelity, or alcoholism that caused him to leave, that those looking in from the outside can't see. But I would bet that at least 90% of the time, it's another woman. Men don't just pack up and leave because they're bored or annoyed.
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