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Post by supersoda on Jul 22, 2016 21:41:06 GMT
Based on the additional information you provided, it doesn't sound like your kid is being bratty or disrespectful, it sounds like she is sticking to her principles. She has a history of diligently trying to avoid animal products. This doesn't seem like a one off or a fad. It sounds like she is maintaining the beliefs she's had for more than two years.
If she was compromising in other ways, or only refusing to shop when she felt like it, I would definitely call her out on it. But that doesn't sound like the case here.
I think the peas are being a little rough on her, based on what you described. But then, the iron fisted "my kid is gonna do what I demand no matter what" isn't really my style.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 22, 2016 21:46:15 GMT
I can't even think of any time that it would be remotely right for her to refuse to even purchase something for you to help you out. I'm not sure what I would do but I would be mega pissed for a good long time and I don't think I'd be too ready for her to ask me for any favors or special treatment. Honestly, my next few meals would be so meat filled that everyone within 5 blocks would get the meat sweats. She can figure it out on her own. She would have just earned herself a one way ticket to adultville where mom doesn't have to cook things for her, pay her bills, do her laundry, or help her out with stuff. And yes, I probably WOULD do that all over a container of whipping cream, because this is not about the whipping cream. I'm righteously sitting next to Burning Feather on this.
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Post by sillyrabbit on Jul 22, 2016 22:00:52 GMT
You are not being unreasonable. It's not like you asked her to pick up some bloody steaks...it's a container of whipped cream. You're not asking her to eat it, just to pick it up from the store for you to help you out. Sometimes in families we have to make compromises. She doesn't seem to think she has to do so. I understand your disappointment.
For what it's worth, my DS is 21 and sometimes he makes me want to pull my hair out too. This whole transition from child to adult is tough. Hugs to you.
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Post by librarylady on Jul 22, 2016 22:06:31 GMT
If this were my child, in my home, I'd be having a come to Jesus talk. If we were going to split hairs, I'd start talking about animals harmed in the harvest of her vegan diet. Yep, you daughter is being a selfish twit. There would be some SERIOUS discussion if she pulled that with me. ...and being callous to her mother's feelings would send me over the top. As they say in the south, "I'd be jerking a knot in her tail!"
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Post by mollycoddle on Jul 22, 2016 22:08:00 GMT
She is being unreasonable, and frankly, I would not be inclined to pay for her food from now on. Better yet, I would not cook for her. That spirit of cooperation works both ways.
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Post by littlemama on Jul 22, 2016 22:12:12 GMT
Based on the additional information you provided, it doesn't sound like your kid is being bratty or disrespectful, it sounds like she is sticking to her principles. She has a history of diligently trying to avoid animal products. This doesn't seem like a one off or a fad. It sounds like she is maintaining the beliefs she's had for more than two years. If she was compromising in other ways, or only refusing to shop when she felt like it, I would definitely call her out on it. But that doesn't sound like the case here. I think the peas are being a little rough on her, based on what you described. But then, the iron fisted "my kid is gonna do what I demand no matter what" isn't really my style. She has been diligently allowing her mother to do all of the work and incur all of the expense of her change in principle. Her mother did not demand she do anything. She requested that she pick up a necessary item while she was already at the store. Princess wasn't paying for it or eating it. She was simply picking it up and helping her mother out. I don't drink, but if someone asked me to pick up beer while I was at the store, I would.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Jul 22, 2016 22:12:45 GMT
I can't even think of any time that it would be remotely right for her to refuse to even purchase something for you to help you out. I'm not sure what I would do but I would be mega pissed for a good long time and I don't think I'd be too ready for her to ask me for any favors or special treatment. Honestly, my next few meals would be so meat filled that everyone within 5 blocks would get the meat sweats. She can figure it out on her own. She would have just earned herself a one way ticket to adultville where mom doesn't have to cook things for her, pay her bills, do her laundry, or help her out with stuff. And yes, I probably WOULD do that all over a container of whipping cream, because this is not about the whipping cream. Omg !!! BEST RESPONSE!!! Yes, OP do this! Give the neighbors meat sweats! OhMyGosh!!! I'm still Lol'ing!!!!!
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Post by mollycoddle on Jul 22, 2016 22:15:18 GMT
Based on the additional information you provided, it doesn't sound like your kid is being bratty or disrespectful, it sounds like she is sticking to her principles. She has a history of diligently trying to avoid animal products. This doesn't seem like a one off or a fad. It sounds like she is maintaining the beliefs she's had for more than two years. If she was compromising in other ways, or only refusing to shop when she felt like it, I would definitely call her out on it. But that doesn't sound like the case here. I think the peas are being a little rough on her, based on what you described. But then, the iron fisted "my kid is gonna do what I demand no matter what" isn't really my style. She has been diligently allowing her mother to do all of the work and incur all of the expense of her change in principle. Her mother did not demand she do anything. She requested that she pick up a necessary item while she was already at the store. Princess wasn't paying for it or eating it. She was simply picking it up and helping her mother out. I don't drink, but if someone asked me to pick up beer while I was at the store, I would. Time for some tough love.
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Post by refugeepea on Jul 22, 2016 22:19:13 GMT
The cooking process has to be very controller for her to be okay with it. OH, hell no! I'd let her know you are leaving all vegan purchases and cooking up to her. I was raised Mormon and was taught not to drink coffee, alcohol, or tea. It was against what was taught in our scriptures. My dad had no issues buying my grandpa beer because he was not the one consuming.
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raindancer
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Post by raindancer on Jul 22, 2016 22:29:41 GMT
Based on the additional information you provided, it doesn't sound like your kid is being bratty or disrespectful, it sounds like she is sticking to her principles. She has a history of diligently trying to avoid animal products. This doesn't seem like a one off or a fad. It sounds like she is maintaining the beliefs she's had for more than two years. If she was compromising in other ways, or only refusing to shop when she felt like it, I would definitely call her out on it. But that doesn't sound like the case here. I think the peas are being a little rough on her, based on what you described. But then, the iron fisted "my kid is gonna do what I demand no matter what" isn't really my style. She has been diligently allowing her mother to do all of the work and incur all of the expense of her change in principle. Her mother did not demand she do anything. She requested that she pick up a necessary item while she was already at the store. Princess wasn't paying for it or eating it. She was simply picking it up and helping her mother out. I don't drink, but if someone asked me to pick up beer while I was at the store, I would. This is a better analogy to the statanic bible. My sister is mormon, they don't drink, they don't believe in drinking. But she has picked up beer for my dh on her way to our house for a party. We paid. She was just already at the store. She wasn't sinning. Just as this girl is not compromising her principals.
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AnotherPea
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Post by AnotherPea on Jul 22, 2016 22:50:13 GMT
How was she getting to the store to get what she needed but not the whipping cream? Because if she were planning to use a vehicle I was paying for that would very quickly no longer be an option for her. Hope that vehicle doesn't have leather on the steering wheel or seats.
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Country Ham
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Post by Country Ham on Jul 22, 2016 22:53:09 GMT
She has been diligently allowing her mother to do all of the work and incur all of the expense of her change in principle. Her mother did not demand she do anything. She requested that she pick up a necessary item while she was already at the store. Princess wasn't paying for it or eating it. She was simply picking it up and helping her mother out. I don't drink, but if someone asked me to pick up beer while I was at the store, I would. This is a better analogy to the statanic bible. My sister is mormon, they don't drink, they don't believe in drinking. But she has picked up beer for my dh on her way to our house for a party. We paid. She was just already at the store. She wasn't sinning. Just as this girl is not compromising her principals. Along this vein I will not purchase alcohol or cigarettes for anyone. I don't think anyone would even ask me since I am a pastor's wife. It doesn't bother me to be around anyone who is drinking or smoking though (well smoke smell is yuck). Save
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Post by rebelyelle on Jul 22, 2016 22:55:27 GMT
This is right on point, and the perfect comparison. My BFF doesn't drink because she's an alcoholic. She's been sober for a long time (almost a decade I think) and doesn't even have food that been prepared with alcohol. But I know that she's picked up wine for her mother (and for me) on occasion. Your daughter is being a brat. There's acting on principle, and then there's being an asshole. She's the latter. I totally validate you OP.
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AnotherPea
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Post by AnotherPea on Jul 22, 2016 22:56:25 GMT
Yes, this is exactly her argument. She won't have anything to do with non-vegan items. I've been paying for her expensive vegan toiletries for over two years now as well. She does work part time so she would just say that she is earning the money to pay for them. However, her spending her work money on this just means that she isn't helping pay for her college. I'm feeling very disappointed that I raised such an inconsiderate, unbending child right now. Vegang beauty products are such bullshit. I especially balk at the not tested on animals. No. They personally dont. They just use previous years of science to create their products but someone had to test them on animals before they could market it. exactly! I get on a rant about this with my students every year or so.
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Post by mlynn on Jul 22, 2016 22:59:41 GMT
I'm not vegan, but plant-based. I may not know her exact reason, but can guess. For true vegans, who are in it for animal-rights, the purchase of ANY animal products goes against the core of their beliefs. They don't want any part, even if it's not for them, of purchasing animal products. It would be like a Christian being asked to purchase a satanic book (or something similar) to bring home to someone else. It goes completely against their beliefs and they don't want any part of it. Yes, this is exactly her argument. She won't have anything to do with non-vegan items. I've been paying for her expensive vegan toiletries for over two years now as well. She does work part time so she would just say that she is earning the money to pay for them. However, her spending her work money on this just means that she isn't helping pay for her college. I'm feeling very disappointed that I raised such an inconsiderate, unbending child right now.I think you need to take a harder line with her. Keep your college contribution the same and let her figure out how to provide for her vegan wants. Be it working more hours, getting a second job, cutting out some of her other expenses. Let her figure it out for herself.
I also think she should be banned from using anything with animal based products. Including cars, furniture, etc. Are there animal products in your carpet cleaner? in your laundry soap or softener? Clothing, accessories, etc? How about household income? Is it animal clean?
I imagine her philosophy will change when it starts to cost her instead of getting to live off others' non-vegan stuff and having her lofty ideals to lord over the heads of others. Otherwise, she would not have been taking advantage all this time. True dedication would have resulted in her working at it harder and not just letting you indulge her.
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cchralice
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Post by cchralice on Jul 22, 2016 23:02:03 GMT
Vegang beauty products are such bullshit. I especially balk at the not tested on animals. No. They personally dont. They just use previous years of science to create their products but someone had to test them on animals before they could market it. exactly! I get on a rant about this with my students every year or so. I don't get this point of view. Yes they may use research based on animals from the past but it's still preventing more animals being tested on now, therefore saving animals.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 22, 2016 23:03:53 GMT
Based on the additional information you provided, it doesn't sound like your kid is being bratty or disrespectful, it sounds like she is sticking to her principles. She has a history of diligently trying to avoid animal products. This doesn't seem like a one off or a fad. It sounds like she is maintaining the beliefs she's had for more than two years. If she was compromising in other ways, or only refusing to shop when she felt like it, I would definitely call her out on it. But that doesn't sound like the case here. I think the peas are being a little rough on her, based on what you described. But then, the iron fisted "my kid is gonna do what I demand no matter what" isn't really my style. A kid or adult living in my house at my expense lets go of the right to principles that go against the principles of the rest of the household. It will be tolerated to the point it makes life inconvenient for the person paying the bills. If I ask for an item to be picked up at the store I expect that to happen or they can quite driving my car and quit sitting at my dinner table eating food I paid for. Having principles has consequences. Save
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Post by realm on Jul 22, 2016 23:07:27 GMT
I can kind of get that she doesn't want to do anything to facilitate the use of animal products and feels like she is standing by her principles but I will admit to being a little eye-rolly to know that she is doing it with the financial support of her parents as well as having her mom do the cooking which involves extra work and effort. At that point I think she needs to recognize the need for compromise. I mean not picking up the whipped cream for you isn't going to do anything to stop you from using whipped cream- all it means is that you are going to have to make a separate trip.
My mom was a heavy smoker and didn't drive. She regularly asked me to go buy cigarettes for her. I hated it and wanted to refuse many times as I didn't want to contribute to her smoking in any way but all that would accomplish was an extra trip for my dad - it wasn't going to stop her smoking, so I did it- but still hated it.
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Post by cadoodlebug on Jul 22, 2016 23:10:13 GMT
In my opinion what your DD is doing is complete I would no longer be cooking for her. The fact that your being upset didn't faze her infuriates me. ((((Hugs))))
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 22, 2016 23:11:08 GMT
How was she getting to the store to get what she needed but not the whipping cream? Because if she were planning to use a vehicle I was paying for that would very quickly no longer be an option for her. Hope that vehicle doesn't have leather on the steering wheel or seats. Or tires made with stearic acid (hint. most car tires are) it is an animal derivative Save
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kate
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Post by kate on Jul 22, 2016 23:18:57 GMT
My first reaction was in line with most of the responders here, but the more I think about it, the more I think supersoda has a point. She has not purchased animal products for you for two years, so you knew it was a problem for her, and you let it go. She doesn't refuse to help out at all; she just doesn't want to purchase the animal stuff. I dunno. Let me be clear that you were well within your rights to ask (especially as a special favor), but it's not surprising that she said No - she's consistent. I think suddenly taking away privileges would be weird and out of the blue, since you've accommodated her for two years. If you've decided you've had enough, then sitting down with her calmly and telling her that you can't do it any more is fine. Full disclosure: I am a vegetarian, but not vegan, and I'm not a PETA member or anything. Like a pp, I have no problem picking up closed containers of meat-containing products that I wouldn't eat, but I would not be wild about going to the butcher counter for a drippy foam tray of meat.
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kelly8875
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Post by kelly8875 on Jul 22, 2016 23:23:36 GMT
You're not being unreasonable IMO. I'd be pissed and stop preparing her food vegan, until she gets the point.
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Post by bc2ca on Jul 22, 2016 23:30:33 GMT
I think paigepea summed my thoughts up nicely. I can respect your daughter's choice to be vegan, but I can't respect the fact that she is really having you do all the work to allow her to be vegan. We have a friend's 23 yr old vegan DD unexpectedly joining us for a reunion next weekend. Her mom made it very clear that E was looking after her own food and none of us should make changes to our menus. I also know E will be making the 8 hour car ride sitting in her dad's leather seats. I'd be so disappointed in my DD in this situation and frustrated at where she drew her line in the sand.
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Post by 2peafaithful on Jul 22, 2016 23:31:35 GMT
I'm not vegan, but plant-based. I may not know her exact reason, but can guess. For true vegans, who are in it for animal-rights, the purchase of ANY animal products goes against the core of their beliefs. They don't want any part, even if it's not for them, of purchasing animal products. It would be like a Christian being asked to purchase a satanic book (or something similar) to bring home to someone else. It goes completely against their beliefs and they don't want any part of it. That's understandable, but a Christian wouldn't sit at the table of a satan worshiper and let them prepare all of their meals for the past 2.5 years either. Gold. Pure gold. This made my night.
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brandy327
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Post by brandy327 on Jul 22, 2016 23:34:07 GMT
I can't even think of any time that it would be remotely right for her to refuse to even purchase something for you to help you out. I'm not sure what I would do but I would be mega pissed for a good long time and I don't think I'd be too ready for her to ask me for any favors or special treatment. Honestly, my next few meals would be so meat filled that everyone within 5 blocks would get the meat sweats. She can figure it out on her own. She would have just earned herself a one way ticket to adultville where mom doesn't have to cook things for her, pay her bills, do her laundry, or help her out with stuff. And yes, I probably WOULD do that all over a container of whipping cream, because this is not about the whipping cream.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 22, 2016 23:37:02 GMT
exactly! I get on a rant about this with my students every year or so. I don't get this point of view. Yes they may use research based on animals from the past but it's still preventing more animals being tested on now, therefore saving animals. Because usually "I won't use anything tested on animals" is said with an air of superiority and a side of snottiness.
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Post by mikklynn on Jul 22, 2016 23:38:49 GMT
I can't even think of any time that it would be remotely right for her to refuse to even purchase something for you to help you out. I'm not sure what I would do but I would be mega pissed for a good long time and I don't think I'd be too ready for her to ask me for any favors or special treatment. Honestly, my next few meals would be so meat filled that everyone within 5 blocks would get the meat sweats. She can figure it out on her own. She would have just earned herself a one way ticket to adultville where mom doesn't have to cook things for her, pay her bills, do her laundry, or help her out with stuff. And yes, I probably WOULD do that all over a container of whipping cream, because this is not about the whipping cream. THIS x one thousand. You are NOT unreasonable.
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Post by myshelly on Jul 22, 2016 23:40:35 GMT
My first reaction was in line with most of the responders here, but the more I think about it, the more I think supersoda has a point. She has not purchased animal products for you for two years, so you knew it was a problem for her, and you let it go. She doesn't refuse to help out at all; she just doesn't want to purchase the animal stuff. I dunno. Let me be clear that you were well within your rights to ask (especially as a special favor), but it's not surprising that she said No - she's consistent. I think suddenly taking away privileges would be weird and out of the blue, since you've accommodated her for two years. If you've decided you've had enough, then sitting down with her calmly and telling her that you can't do it any more is fine. Full disclosure: I am a vegetarian, but not vegan, and I'm not a PETA member or anything. Like a pp, I have no problem picking up closed containers of meat-containing products that I wouldn't eat, but I would not be wild about going to the butcher counter for a drippy foam tray of meat. I totally agree with this and with supersodaI don't really understand the whole pea manifesto of my house, my rules/my kids don't have a choice/ungrateful brats/move out the second you graduate. We're talking about a college kid. How is she supposed to move out on her own or support herself? I swear the peas chose to bring their kids into the world, but then they want their kids to kiss their feet for providing the things they are obligated to provide. The constant my house, my rules attitude here makes me crazy. I want my kids to know this is *their* house. That they are always welcome here. They never have to leave and they can always come back. I wouldn't ask a Muslim to buy me pork. I wouldn't ask a Mormon to buy me alcohol. I wouldn't ask a vegan to buy cream. I wouldn't buy anyone cigarettes, ever, under any circumstances. I think it is unreasonable of the OP to be fine and supportive of this for 2.5 years and then suddenly get pissed and throw a fit about it. Don't you all remember what it was like when you were in college/late teens/early 20s? To be defining yourself and finding your own philosophy and to be really, really passionate about it and really, really sure you are right?
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Post by scrapmaven on Jul 22, 2016 23:42:22 GMT
While I completely respect your dd's choice to be vegan I think in this instance she's unreasonable. Your dd is very spoiled and this is the equivalent of a tantrum. You cook so that she has side dishes to eat. You have separate utensils. You go out of your way to accommodate dd's diet. Yet, she can't pick up one lousy container of whipped cream? I would be talking to her about that fact that you are no longer willing to prepare her food or clean up after her unless she cooperates and helps you, as well. This is her diet and her lifestyle, but she's living in your home!
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Post by annabella on Jul 22, 2016 23:45:50 GMT
How does she handle cross contamination in the house with the knives, forks and spoons and glasses? I assume she needed all new plates and cutlery and drink wear. I've never understood orthodox jewish rules regarding this. The dishwasher temperature kills all germs. If I go to a sandwich/bagel/pizza place I will ask them to clean the knife before slicing my sandwich. And to change gloves. I also don't think the OP should be asking a bunch of meat eaters their opinion on something her vegan daughter does. And just because someone in this thread knows one vegan that does something, doesn't mean that all vegans should too. I know a vegetarian who will eat food made with chicken broth and another one who will take meat out of a sandwich and eat the rest. That doesn't mean the expectation should be the same for me.
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