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Post by kristi on Sept 14, 2016 4:37:28 GMT
{HUGS}
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Mystie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,299
Jun 25, 2014 19:53:37 GMT
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Post by Mystie on Sept 14, 2016 4:46:25 GMT
I am so very sorry. We are all here for you.
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Post by anniefb on Sept 14, 2016 4:46:29 GMT
No advice but so so sorry for your loss. Sending you and your son hugs.
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Post by ametallichick on Sept 14, 2016 4:50:27 GMT
I have no advice but I wanted to just say how sorry I am for your loss.
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Post by jenjie on Sept 14, 2016 5:03:27 GMT
Peamac thank you for tagging me. Jen honey I am so so sorry. It flat out sucks. I am so sorry for you and your precious son. A sound piece of advice is JUST DO THE NEXT THING. Today, next week, next month you don't have to worry about what those looming years look like. Just do the next thing. Do you have a friend who would be willing to help you figure this stuff out? Make a list of immediate needs. Some of these things you may have already done. If so, good. That's one thing you are done with. If you haven't already done so, you need to get the death certificates from the funeral home. I believe mine gave me 8 or 10 originals. You will need one for Social Security, to get the will probated (or get the process started if there was no will). If there is private life insurance (dh paid into a policy) or through work, you want to call them and get that started if you haven't done so. They were very quick to respond. Each of these entities were very helpful for me. Make sure you know what you need before you go. His death certificate. Your marriage license. Identification. If you don't already have these in place, make sure you have a will of your own and set up guardians for your little one.Remove his name from bills and bank accounts. Get someone to help you set up a budget once you know how much will be coming in. There is probably more but this will help you get started. Just do one at a time. Do the next thing. *** OK now that business is taken care of, let's talk about your heart. I really hope you are surrounded by people who love you and desire to come alongside you. If you have people you trust who are willing to listen, talk with them. Tell them your frustrations, your hurts, your fears. If you don't know me, my dh died last June at age of 47. I have 3 kids, ages 18,16 and 11. I strongly recommend you look into Grief Share. One of the peas recommended it to me. I never wanted to go to a widow's group because I pictured me with a group of old ladies who were still agonizing over their loss decades later. I determined that was NOT going to be me. Grief Share is different. It's a guided program that helps you process different areas of grief. They are just starting new sessions again all over the country. It helped me WORK THROUGH my grief. It helps you understand that what you are feeling is normal. I'm so tired of hearing "new normal". There is no wrong way to grief. Unless of course you want to hurt yourself or someone else. People WILL let you down. Even the ones you would never expect it. As much as we don't want to be high maintenance, we become high maintenance. Who is going to leave me next? After a month or a few the phone calls begin to dwindle. An important thing I learned at Grief Share was that your friends haven't abandoned you. They may have put their lives on hold while you were in deepest crisis but they need to get back to living their own life. They don't love you any less. It's hard to see everybody's life return to normal while you feel like yours has come to a screeching halt. People will say stupid things. They will say platitudes that make you want to punch them. Some people, maybe those closest to you, will unintentionally say very hurtful things. It's not because they don't love you. It's because they do love you and want to fix things. So they say things that they think will be helpful. But this is something that cannot be fixed. Show them grace and ask them to show you grace. This is a new road for all of you. I need to get to bed so I'm going to stop. But I'm going to link up with some of the threads that might help explain some of what you might expect, along with some incredible advice and support from our pea friends. "I'm a hot mess" - anxiety attacks
This is a quote from an update thread - "I have been incredibly exhausted. I had a few days where I was worthless but most days I can do SOMETHING before collapsing. I end up laying down during the day a few hours every day. I am so tired if I think I need to get up it will take 10 minutes to get my brain to tell my body to move. It's really weird. On Saturday I arrived at a baby shower as everyone was leaving. I had the wrong time in my head. A lady whose husband died years ago said "you knew you had an event and you knew it was today. You did fine. Expect it to last about a year." Lovely. On Sunday I got dressed and ready for church and was so worn out I stayed home. I laid on the couch and watched Elementary episodes all day. My big kids - ds17 looks out for my heart and dd15 makes sure I'm eating. I haven't had much appetite for food or drink, I've lost 20 lbs which I needed to lose but I know I need to eat and drink. I preached too much about it to my husband. I refuse to be a hypocrite. I'm pretending I'm doing myself a favor taking a multivitamin and drinking carnation instant breakfast if I really don't feel up to eating." welcome to widow brain
gut punches
advice - bringing the overwhelming within grasp
life goes on. And you will enjoy it again.Don't let all these links overwhelm you. Come back if you feel like it and something in the link title resonates with you. If you don't feel like reading at all, that's ok too. Big big hugs to you. Can I pray for you?
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gottapeanow
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,780
Jun 25, 2014 20:56:09 GMT
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Post by gottapeanow on Sept 14, 2016 5:09:18 GMT
Adding my words of sympathy and prayers to what has already been shared. I am so very sorry.
Lisa
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 26, 2024 19:29:19 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 14, 2016 5:17:28 GMT
I am so sorry for your loss and am sending you lots of good thoughts. I don't have specific advice, but we have some wonderful ladies here who do/will. I can say without a doubt that there are so many here who will be here for you and will listen and give you support. ![](http://i1182.photobucket.com/albums/x447/ilovecookies999/smiley/grouphug_zps022450d9.gif)
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Post by malibou on Sept 14, 2016 5:28:43 GMT
Oh sweet one, I am so sorry for your loss.
J
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Post by AussieMeg on Sept 14, 2016 5:41:46 GMT
I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. Hugs and gentle thoughts to you and your son.
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Post by lucyg on Sept 14, 2016 5:59:55 GMT
Oh honey, I am so sorry.
I was widowed young, too (age 40). You've gotten good advice from some of the other young widows here. I will just re-emphasize: go easy on yourself. Take things slowly. You have plenty of time to update accounts, reorganize your house, find yourself again. Don't expect too much from your friends and family, and be happily surprised if they do come through for you. Be cautious with your money but try not to punish yourself and your child financially if it isn't strictly necessary ... spend a little cash to make your life easier. Try not to spoil your child (longterm - it does tend to happen in the shorter term, ahem) to make up for the loss of his dad. DO NOT make any major decisions for at least a year (don't sell your house or get remarried ... seriously, it happens). Good luck to you. There are a number of younger widows here who may be a great support system for you if you ask for their help.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
![*](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/stars/star_green.png)
Posts: 5,153
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Sept 14, 2016 10:19:43 GMT
I'm sorry for your loss
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Sept 14, 2016 10:52:38 GMT
My heart hurts for you and your child. I send you my deepest condolences.
Support for life's circumstances like this are one of the things the Peas do well. Come here and wail, complain, celebrate, ask questions, or whatever you need. We are here for you.
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Post by judy on Sept 14, 2016 10:54:26 GMT
I'm so sorry for your loss. Praying for you and your family. Lots of good advice here. I hope you find some comfort these first few months.
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Post by Penellopy on Sept 14, 2016 10:58:07 GMT
I am so sorry for your loss.
I too, found myself in this situation in July. Talking to my husband one minute, getting ready for work, and finding him unconscious 25 minutes later. Talk about an emotional roller coaster for a Wednesday morning. I just kept saying this isn't real. Now, I still get mad and angry, other days I am looking for a new normal and navigating the process. There are ebbs and flows and I have learned to ride the waves. I lean on friends and family when needed and other days I try to conqueror the world with what I need to do. There are days I amaze myself and things that he left undone, that I have managed to complete.
One of the 1st things I did was make lists. Lists of what accounts we had and which ones I needed to change the names on. Lists of who I needed to notify of his death. Lists of projects we had planned to do. Lists of things I might want to change. Lists of everyday things that I was now going to be responsible for. Then I spent 2 days on the phone notifying all the accounts we had together to see what was going to be needed to make changes while I waited on the death certificates to come in. Setting up appointments with Social Security, our bank, life insurance, and I am navigating through the Veterans Administration on survivors benefits. Then I went back to work to help create a more normal to me schedule.
We had an Alaskan Cruise planned for late August. I made the decision not to cancel that, but to go in honor of him. It was something he wanted to do. The cruise line waived the fees of the changing to another person and I took a friend who lost her husband 12 years ago who had a 14 month and 7 year old at the time. If I had a breakdown, she would understand. She would guide me through it. We had the best time and every time I looked at the northern lights or stars at night, I new he was there to guide me through the next phase. He was there with me. I came back rejuvenated, but still knowing there is a lot of uncertainty that lies ahead.
My only advise, as I too navigate through this next phase, is go with whatever you are feeling that day. If you are having a 'pity party for one' that day. Do it. If it is something you wouldn't normally do, but think it might help or be fun, do it. If it is out of your norm, but you feel like you can, do it. I just keep saying 'You got this' and while asking God for strength, guidance, and healing.
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Post by baslp on Sept 14, 2016 10:59:37 GMT
So sorry for your loss. Sending thoughts of strengh your way.
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Post by runner5 on Sept 14, 2016 11:09:32 GMT
I'm so sorry.
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Post by dulcemama on Sept 14, 2016 11:17:17 GMT
I am so very sorry for your loss. I have no personal experience with this but my Mom always says how helpful widownet.com was to her when she needed to talk to someone who had been there.
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Post by terri on Sept 14, 2016 11:18:04 GMT
I'm so incredibly sorry for you loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your son.
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maurchclt
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,630
Jul 4, 2014 16:53:27 GMT
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Post by maurchclt on Sept 14, 2016 11:31:08 GMT
{{{HUGS}} I'm so sorry,so much good advise here.
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Post by leannec on Sept 14, 2016 11:34:34 GMT
I have no advice but I am so sorry for your loss ... hugs to you!!
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Post by Linda on Sept 14, 2016 11:51:58 GMT
((((Hugs))) and prayers. I'm so sorry for your loss. I haven't been down your path but we've been dealing with the practical aspects of death with my MIL (she lived with us and passed in Aug). As others have said, for many things, you need the death certificate. Social Security was probably notified electronicly by the funeral home and they tend to move slowly. If your DH had been on SS benefits (disability) prior to his passing -they may make a final deposit and then withdraw it again - so be aware of that. You should be entitled to benefits as a parent of a minor child so look into that - it should pay until DS is 18. Don't be afraid to ask for help - your friends and family and community (school/church/groups you belong to) all want to help but they may not know how to help or what to say - especially since you're young, many of your peers may not yet have experienced a loss themselves and don't know what is needed/helpful/not helpful. leftturnonly had a super idea with the list. And as you get stronger and the grief isn't quite as fresh and raw - ask people to help you learn to do the stuff around the house that DH used to do if you're not comfortable with doing them. There's no shame in saying, for instance, I've never hung a picture on the wall before/mowed the lawn/balanced the chequebook, dh always did, can you show me how. Do contact your local Hospice and see if they have support groups for you and your son. I know ours does - and also runs a summer camp for children who have had a loss. My mum was a fairly young widow when my dad passed - probably a bit older than you though - and she found it helpful to find others who had been widowed with minor children because the challenges are different when you have young children than they are for empty-nesters. Again, ((((Hugs))) and prayers. I'm so very sorry
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 26, 2024 19:29:19 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 14, 2016 12:10:29 GMT
I am so very sorry for your loss.
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Post by Merge on Sept 14, 2016 12:13:35 GMT
I'm so sorry for your loss. What a terrible tragedy.
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blue tulip
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,991
Jun 25, 2014 20:53:57 GMT
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Post by blue tulip on Sept 14, 2016 12:15:21 GMT
i'm sorry I don't have advice. DH and I are also in our mid-30s, your post really struck me. I'm so sorry for your loss.
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Post by gritzi on Sept 14, 2016 12:15:48 GMT
I'm so very sorry ![:(](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/mYSUyHtG9Jrcmm_ydVcK.jpg)
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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 14, 2016 12:25:06 GMT
I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs to you and your precious child. I am wishing strength for you as you navigate you next moves and I will keep you in my prayers.
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lisaknits
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,393
May 28, 2015 16:14:56 GMT
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Post by lisaknits on Sept 14, 2016 12:28:58 GMT
I am truly sorry for your loss. {{HUGS}} to you and your sweet little boy.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 26, 2024 19:29:19 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 14, 2016 12:29:06 GMT
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. You're living one of the nightmare scenarios many of us fear. {{{{ hugs }}}}
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Post by Patter on Sept 14, 2016 12:32:57 GMT
Oh my goodness, I am so sorry for your tremendous loss!
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Post by quinlove on Sept 14, 2016 12:34:50 GMT
I'm so very sorry for your loss. There will always be someone here to help you, always.
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