At what point should I start getting pissed? UPDATE IN OP

I'm going to assume here that he definitely has some form of ADD.

ADD stand for Attention Deficit Disorder. ADHD is Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. I don't know why it suddenly all was labelled ADHD back a bunch of years ago, but I think it's very misleading since you can be a person with this way of focusing without having excess energy.

We all know kids who bounce off the walls all the time and they're the squeaky wheels that get the attention and the help.

The quiet ones often don't.

Along with ADD often comes high intelligence coupled with a more creative approach to the world that allows people to come up with their own unique strategies to tackle problems.

Imagine all the inventions and strategies that ADD people have come up with over all of time and you can begin to see that this different ability to focus has helped make us who we are as people.




The short answer to your question is yes. He can be very detailed and successful at work and a complete disaster with the details in his private life.

Why? 

Some of us with ADD superfocus. We put all of our attention towards one thing at a time, and we come up with solutions that work for us. That focus can make someone very, very good at whatever it is that they pay attention to.

That superfocus on some things comes at the cost of very little focus or attention to other things.

You know the saying that you can miss the forest for the trees? Someone that tends to hyperfocus could spend a long time focusing on the leaves of one tree. 

That's really annoying to people who just want to keep moving along, but without people who are that curious and that focused, we'd never have most of the medicines we have today.

It wasn't all that long ago when people just understood that we all have different abilities. 

We don't live in a farming-based society any longer. It takes extra effort for people with ADD to fit in to this more structured environment that we have now vs what we had 100 years ago. When we started having large classrooms of children that were all taught the same skills in the same way it became more apparent how different we all are. Labels were made for kids that didn't fit the easy mold and drugs were created to allow them to behave more like the other kids.

I don't know if your friend would benefit from ADD drugs. They do help a great many people. As an adult, it should be his personal choice whether he wants to go down this road or not. It's possible that he could develop side-effects, like a queasy stomach, that he may not feel is worth the trade. I'm saying this because it's very easy for someone else to try to get the ADD person to take this drug therapy approach and that ADD person might have legitimate concerns that are easily overlooked.



It would be of great benefit to you if sometime when you're together, you ask him what he's really good at. Then, ask him what he doesn't like to focus on; what he finds tedious.

You can get an idea of the kind of help he needs in his private life. If he really needs a personal assistant for his private life, what would they do? Balance his checkbook? Remember dates and details? Cook/clean/shop?

Which of these jobs would you be willing to do if you were together as a family in the future? What could be hired out?

He must be important to you or you wouldn't be here asking. Only you can weigh the scale. 

I have done expedited and super-expedited passports for trips that were being paid for by others. I know in one case, the sponsor was worried that my kid didn't have a passport early enough. I won't say I wasn't stressed about it, but truly, an August trip is not a mid-June passport crisis.

If you're worried because part of you senses that he won't really come along, then I validate your pissed-off-ness. If you're worried because you think he can't get his passport in time, then you have a few more weeks before I'll validate your feeling really pissed-off.

I disagree that it was for nothing. I can't stand not having my ducks in a row. It would have made me absolutely nuts.

I'm glad he took care of it! I hope you all have a wonderful trip.

A good update!

I really wish you the best with this guy.

That's a great update! Sounds like he really is into you after all!

Have you been to Edinburgh before? I'm actually typing this from Edinburgh airport, where I'm waiting to pick up my DD and her GF. If you don't already know, remember you don't pronounce the 'g' in Edinburgh - it's not like Pittsburgh. It's Edin-bur-uh. Do that and you'll be steps ahead of many US visitors!

I just read your update.  I hope he keeps surprising you in good ways.

I read it all before commenting.

I'm glad he got his passport and I hope that you have a lovely trip.

But GIRL! Do NOT let these red flags go. You're a strong, independent female and while life is easier with a doormat, I don't think that's what you're looking for. So enjoy the trip, but REMEMBER these signs and decide how that feels for forever. I'd kick your ass, but it's been kicked enough already. What I think you should do is pretend that the tables are turned and your best friend was telling you this story. What would you tell her?!?

Hmmm... considering at most post offices you MAKE AN APPOINTMENT to get your passport processed to avoid all the other craziness (and the $60 expediting fee), I'm not sure I buy the excuse, but I'm glad he got it, I hope it arrives in time, and I hope you have a good trip.

Have a great trip! I was in Edinburgh last week for a couple of days, and - unexpectedly to me - it was my favorite city that we visited. It was the first where I said that I could live there and be happy.

If you have any Harry Potter fans in your group, eat at the Elephant House and take the Potter Trail tour. It is a free tour (plan on tipping though), and our guide was delightful. I texted DD while I was on the tour, "I'm following a stranger dressed in a cloak into a cemetery."