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Post by dewryce on Dec 17, 2018 22:20:31 GMT
@myshelley, prostitution...really? Come on. You don’t have to agree with her or even understand...but prostitution? Please do better and be kinder. If you need gifts to feel loved, I’m going to stand by my statement. Grow up. Move on. Shop for yourself. Your judgement of the OP was unkind. I stand by my statement. There is a way to get your point across without insulting her.
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Post by workingclassdog on Dec 17, 2018 22:22:34 GMT
Yes, I'm not allowed to do that. The times I've tried I've been ignored or we go back to the "I just want stuff" line. He'd also be pissed if I shopped for myself, which (to him) says you don't trust me to do it on my own. GIVING gifts is my love language. finding something that I know someone wants and being able to get it for them says I pay attention, and have found something I know they'll like/want. I bought my BFF some caramel chocolates from Aldi as I know she loves caramel and we exchange small gifts with each other this time of year. Does this make her spoiled? If she gives me starbucks because she knows it's a rare treat for me, does this mean I'm spoiled because I appreciate the fact that she took 2 seconds to think through something I might like? You can frame it however you want, but I think showing love through purchases sounds childish and spoiled, yes. Makes me think of prostitution, personally. My friends don’t need to think about me in terms of gift cards for me to know they care. SERIOUSLY.. that is a little over the line don't you think? We all can agree different people have different opinions.. especially about this time of year.. we have this same conversation every.single.year. People are different.. some people LOVE to gift gifts.... some people love to receive them.. and some love both.. and some don't care. That doesn't mean the person is childish because their feelings are hurt because the one person they choose to marry/be with can't bother to have something to open under the tree. OYE....
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Jili
Pearl Clutcher
SLPea
Posts: 4,363
Jun 26, 2014 1:26:48 GMT
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Post by Jili on Dec 17, 2018 22:24:54 GMT
My dh and I started out not being on the same page as far as gifting is concerned, but now we are, and it's good. He's a terrible gift giver in general, even though in our early days together he would put forth the effort. I just never received anything that I really liked or wanted. For my first mother's day, I got a paperback copy of Jurassic Park (so we could both read it), and bag of chips and a bag of M&Ms. Yes. Honestly, I'm not a great gift giver, either. It makes it challenging that my dh is super picky. He hates everything and is that guy who takes everything back that everyone gets him. I might be that way a bit too (see previous paragraph), but not like he is. I agonized about this for a long time. It was never a point of contention between us, but once we had the kids it all got to be so stressful that we just agreed to stop buying gifts for each other on any occasion. We each buy ourselves a few gifts for Christmas and give them to the other to wrap up. ![:thumbup:](http://i58.tinypic.com/9hufs4.jpg) Honestly, it's been so freeing. I let go of my angst on this. I get things that I've been wanting. Neither of us is disappointed or angry. I will say that he is really attentive to the kids as far as gifts go. He has always liked to try to find things that they like and puts forth a good effort (though they're old now and have pretty specific likes-- so we just go with what's on their lists for the most part). He is also our family's designated gift-wrapper and decorator, since I hate both of those things! This year he did get me something, which was a nice surprise. He put together an alcohol advent calendar for me. He put different kinds of samples, mixed drinks, etc. into slots of a wine case, and covered them up with tissue paper. Every night I pick a slot and see what's inside. We've tried a few new drinks and it's been a lot of fun. To the OP-- is there any possibility of the two of you sitting down, sharing your thoughts about gift giving, and coming up with an agreeable compromise?
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Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 17, 2018 22:26:12 GMT
You got it dewryce! I don't like nascar one bit. But my butt is sitting on the couch, crocheting away every Sunday and talking to my husband about it. Because that's what is important to him. I love Jay's hot stuff potato chips. There is some manufacturing thing going on with them and my stores haven't been carrying them. DH delivered to a party store an hour away from us two weeks ago, he brought me home 4 bags! Because he knows me. Not because I'm a spoiled child, but because we pay attention to and do nice things for the people we love.
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eleezybeth
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,784
Jun 28, 2014 20:42:01 GMT
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Post by eleezybeth on Dec 17, 2018 22:27:11 GMT
Some of y’all really don’t get the premise of the love languages.
OP consider yourself validated! I’m sorry this happens year after year. You need to find a way to get your hubby to understand what a gift means in the feeling sense. Not sure that he would understand the Love Languages book but it might be a great start.
I’m a horrible gifter. I credit my family for putting the fun in dysfunctional. My husband however is very conscious of giving and receiving. I take hints all year long, have a list on my phone and fake the shit out of Christmas and birthdays. It IS work for me. I do it because it is how my DH likes to have love communicated. I don’t force him into acts of service because it makes me comfortable. I stretch for him. Sometimes I suck at it and sometimes I am great. He appreciates the effort that much more.
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Post by **GypsyGirl** on Dec 17, 2018 22:27:27 GMT
Things came to a head in 2012, which was also the single worst year of my adult life. He didn't get me anything for Christmas that year. I literally sat with his family and watched everyone else open presents, I had nothing. I'm curious, how did his family and your children react when you didn't receive a gift? Yes, I'm not allowed to do that. The times I've tried I've been ignored or we go back to the "I just want stuff" line. He'd also be pissed if I shopped for myself, which (to him) says you don't trust me to do it on my own. Perhaps you wrap yourself a gift and stash it in the back of the closet. If no gift is under the tree on Christmas morning, then you pull it out and add it to the gifts. The odds of him changing are slim to none. You have two options: learn to let it go and focus on his good qualities, or continue to stew about it and let the resentment build. I hope that you are able to find a workable solution with your husband.
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Post by hop2 on Dec 17, 2018 22:29:21 GMT
One other point - is there a communication issue or as jeremysgirl pointed out a laziness issue, because there are several peas in this thread for whom I would have no issue getting a gift for so I can’t imagine thier SO would have an issue. Do we communicate more here?
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Post by dewryce on Dec 17, 2018 22:29:40 GMT
You got it dewryce ! I don't like nascar one bit. But my butt is sitting on the couch, crocheting away every Sunday and talking to my husband about it. Because that's what is important to him. I love Jay's hot stuff potato chips. There is some manufacturing thing going on with them and my stores haven't been carrying them. DH delivered to a party store an hour away from us two weeks ago, he brought me home 4 bags! Because he knows me. Not because I'm a spoiled child, but because we pay attention to and do nice things for the people we love. Exactly. Oh how sweet of him ![:love:](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/W4b_Om5roEadLiOzGo_l.jpg) Seriously very considerate of him and I bet it just warmed your heart!!! DH is like that and it makes me feel so loved.
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Post by peanutterbutter on Dec 17, 2018 22:29:56 GMT
I hear you, and I really do get where you're coming from. It really isn't the gift it's the idea that someone took the time to think of you and come up with something that you would like. I am as happy with something from the Dollar Tree because somebody thought it was a really cute statue of something I really like as I am with something that's really expensive. It's the idea that someone took the time to think of you, what your likes are, what would make you happy, and what would make you smile, and the idea that somebody took a little time out of their day to think of you as much as you think of them and others
And why is it wrong to like presents? Whenever threads like this come up, someone is always being told that you just have to accept someone else doesn't like to give gifts or it's not their love language. Why isn't it the other person's responsibility, to realize that this person likes to get gifts that it is part of their love language. The other person, in this case her spouse needs to come to terms with the fact that he needs to extend himself a little and give a little care to his wife as well.
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bethany102399
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,560
Oct 11, 2014 3:17:29 GMT
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Post by bethany102399 on Dec 17, 2018 22:30:35 GMT
To the OP-- is there any possibility of the two of you sitting down, sharing your thoughts about gift giving, and coming up with an agreeable compromise? I think the compromise is going to be him understanding that he needs to come up with something, and me trusting him to actually do something. And to those of you who know more about a topic than you ever wanted to because your DH does, I will happily converse with you about the ins and outs of football manager as I know WAY more than I ever wanted to about various teams and the game itself.
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Post by scrapmaven on Dec 17, 2018 22:31:27 GMT
We send eachother an amazon wishlist. He loves stuff like flashlights and tech accessories. I like Jigsaw puzzles. Everyone is happy. Of course, sometimes we surprise eachother w/something really nice, but most often we just use our list.
I think that gift giving and receiving is fun. I love watching people open their gifts, but I would hate it if I didn't have gifts to open, as well. If your dh isn't a good gift giver then buy what you want, wrap it and put it underneath the tree and then you'll have what you want. You might have to accept that he's a great dh in other ways, but just can't do gifts. If so, then just make an agreement that you're going to buy your own gifts for Christmas and he has to accept that.
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Post by JustCallMeMommy on Dec 17, 2018 22:32:49 GMT
I hear you. It is important to me that my partner care enough to go to the store (ahead of time!), choose a gift (ahead of time!), wrap it, and give it to me. After sharing a life with someone for 16 years who just didn't care about giving gifts to others (though he loved receiving gifts), this would be a deal breaker for me in a future relationship. I don't care if that makes me seem shallow; it isn't about the gift - it is a visual reminder that someone cared enough to take the time to select and give a gift.
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bethany102399
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,560
Oct 11, 2014 3:17:29 GMT
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Post by bethany102399 on Dec 17, 2018 22:35:04 GMT
Things came to a head in 2012, which was also the single worst year of my adult life. He didn't get me anything for Christmas that year. I literally sat with his family and watched everyone else open presents, I had nothing. I'm curious, how did his family and your children react when you didn't receive a gift? His mother was mortified. It was a confluence of events. He had been unemployed the entire year, and they paid for us to travel to see them at Christmas. So that was our gift from them. My mom's gift to me that year was a GC to get my hair cut because it wasn't "professional looking enough" for her. His Dad and our kids had no idea, they were too wrapped up in their own Christmas gifts. To be fair on that one, our kids were very young. DD was like 5 and DS was 3, so I wouldn't have expected them to pick up on it. DD is now 12 and absolutely would have picked up on it.
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Post by mom26 on Dec 17, 2018 22:37:07 GMT
@myshelley, prostitution...really? Come on. You don’t have to agree with her or even understand...but prostitution? Please do better and be kinder. If you need gifts to feel loved, I’m going to stand by my statement. Grow up. Move on. Shop for yourself. Huh. So, when my then 6yo son gifted me with a box of individually wrapped rocks (that he'd meticulously picked out from our backyard landscaping) and it thrilled my heart beyond measure, I was just being a 'ho?
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Post by padresfan619 on Dec 17, 2018 22:42:59 GMT
Would you be happy with an experience gift? Like a restaurant gift card or some kind of date night? That would skirt the “you just want stuff” issue and you’d still have something to open on Christmas Day.
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Post by hop2 on Dec 17, 2018 22:44:11 GMT
If you need gifts to feel loved, I’m going to stand by my statement. Grow up. Move on. Shop for yourself. Huh. So, when my then 6yo son gifted me with a box of individually wrapped rocks (that he'd meticulously picked out from our backyard landscaping) and it thrilled my heart beyond measure, I was just being a 'ho? you rock ho you;)
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Post by Prenticekid on Dec 17, 2018 22:56:53 GMT
Why have the conversation? Again? No matter what your love language is, you'll be giving both yourself and your husband a huge gift. I will say that I think the whole love language thing is hinky. I think that after a certain amount of time it is disrespectful to insist someone honor your love language - because isn't that essentially going against theirs? Wrap yourself up some gifts to open in front of his family, cuz yea, that sucks. But, you know your SILs and MIL probably did that, right? If you want to have the "convo," then do it next year. In November.
But, how about start a new tradition? Go out on a Christmas date. Go out to dinner and go shopping. You'll feel loved because you're with him. (one would hope) You get presents. He doesn't have to feel like shit trying to figure out what the hell to get you. Win. Win.
And, myshelly, apparently you get a lot of coal. I'm the most pragmatic person I know, and when someone gives me a gift, I feel loved or special. Do I need a gift to feel loved? No. But, there's a reason gifts are a tradition and it isn't about getting stuff. Ho. Ho. Ho.
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Post by flanz on Dec 17, 2018 23:01:15 GMT
I don’t understand gifts as a love language. I just don’t think it’s acceptable for adults to expect presents to show love. I think people who claim gifts are their love language just sound like spoiled rotten children 🤷🏻♀️ Buy yourself whatever you want, wrap it up, and open it on Christmas. You get what you want and DH isnt grumpy anymore because you’ve relieved the unnecessary stress from your relationship. I'm totally with you in that gifts are not my love language - in a way I show love or receive it. I don't get it AT ALL! But that doesn't make it any less valid of a love language for someone else. And I wouldn't say someone who felt loved by hearing words of affirmation just seem like narcissists who need praised for everything they do, or if you feel loved by spending time with someone that it seems you're just a selfish time suck to people who have other things to do if they can't fit you in. Or that I don't think it's acceptable for adults to expect physical affection to show love. I mean, come on. We're all different people. We may not feel the same way but it's not too hard to understand that we are all made differently from each other and show and receive love in different ways. Agreed! The message in the 5 Love Languages book is to learn what the people you love experience as love, ie THEIR love language, and find ways to honor that. So if their love language is words of affirmation, an expensive diamond bracelet might not do a thing for them. Love language isn't about how WE LIKE TO SHOW LOVE, it's about how our loved ones want us to show them we see them, hear them, know them, and love them.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 29, 2024 5:11:25 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2018 23:04:46 GMT
I validate you! My DH is great in many ways, but he's terrible at gifts. After 22 years, I buy my own gifts, wrap them and put them under the tree. It's better than being disappointed every Christmas morning.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Dec 17, 2018 23:06:44 GMT
My husband is a much better gift giver than me. He hasn't forgotten that I bought him the exact same saw for 3 years in a row, forgetting each time that I had already bought him the saw. Now he drops very unsubtle hints. I echo elaine above about an Amazon wishlist or go with buy and wrap yourself. I find it sad that you actually bought the same gift 3 times. Luckily he finds it hilarious - especially 20 years later. Plus he can always tell the story of the triple saw if one of his gifts doesn't quite hit the mark, he considers it the gift that keeps on giving It helps that his love language isn't gift giving either - he's just a bit less clueless than me. And in my defense it was an insanely busy time in my life and the fact that I knew he liked tools was seen as a plus.
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
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Post by mallie on Dec 17, 2018 23:08:14 GMT
I don’t understand gifts as a love language. I just don’t think it’s acceptable for adults to expect presents to show love. I think people who claim gifts are their love language just sound like spoiled rotten children 🤷🏻♀️ Buy yourself whatever you want, wrap it up, and open it on Christmas. You get what you want and DH isnt grumpy anymore because you’ve relieved the unnecessary stress from your relationship. While I might have worded it more gently ![:cool:](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/6u1_Cee0Y_opNVSmaeTW.jpg) I agree with the sentiment here. You need to come to terms with the fact that he’s never going to be a good gifter, and then you can start feeling better about the whole thing. I’m sure he has other worthwhile characteristics, right? Love him for what he is instead of resenting him for what he’s not. For the family Christmas, I would buy myself something I wanted, wrap it up all pretty with a tag “from hubby” and put it under the tree. Open it, thank him, and be happy. In my experience, coming to terms with the fact that one's SO does not give enough shits to do something you find important is not going to make you feel better about it. Because that means accepting that you don't rate high enough on his priority list or he is so apathetic about your needs. When you have to accept that sort of reality, it does not make you feel good about yourself or the relationship. I always love how people whose love language is the act of being gifted get shit while someone who needs to hear they are loved or get physical affection always get support. I bet if you told someone who needs to get physical affection to go masturbate, they would probably not find that helpful nor would they be happy. Because it's just like it's not solely about having an orgasm, it's not really about what is in a wrapped package. It is the time, attention, and care that results that is importaft.
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Post by scrapqueen01 on Dec 17, 2018 23:09:49 GMT
My dh is like this. He hasn't bought me a gift for anything in years. Earlier in the month we were talking about what to get dd14. Dd had not told me what she wanted yet. He said I should just get her a ream of paper for drawing on. Yep, a ream of paper. When I explained to him I can't just give a ream of paper he honestly didn't know what was wrong with it. Last year I got tired of not getting anything so I bought my own present after Christmas. This year I bought my present early in the month. Instead of wrapping it up I decided I wanted to start enjoying it now.
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
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Post by mallie on Dec 17, 2018 23:10:26 GMT
@myshelley, prostitution...really? Come on. You don’t have to agree with her or even understand...but prostitution? Please do better and be kinder. If you need gifts to feel loved, I’m going to stand by my statement. Grow up. Move on. Shop for yourself. One sign of a grown up is treating people with dignity and respect.
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Mystie
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Posts: 4,299
Jun 25, 2014 19:53:37 GMT
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Post by Mystie on Dec 17, 2018 23:16:57 GMT
Would you be happy with an experience gift? Like a restaurant gift card or some kind of date night? That would skirt the “you just want stuff” issue and you’d still have something to open on Christmas Day. This was my thought, too. Could you both agree not to buy gifts for each other and put those funds toward a date night or a weekend away? Maybe you just need to remove the gift thing completely. And I say that as a prostitute whose love language is gifts. :-p (My other one is words of affirmation, which I guess makes me Donald Trump.) :-p :-p
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psiluvu
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Posts: 3,217
Location: Canada's Capital
Jun 25, 2014 22:52:26 GMT
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Post by psiluvu on Dec 17, 2018 23:21:07 GMT
OP not sure why so many are giving your dh a pass. I will validate you. Really, buying a present isn't rocket science. He is a grown ass man he should be willing to some effort into buying his wife something. IMHO it is not a "love language" it is a sign of respect and love.
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dald222
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Posts: 2,602
Jun 27, 2014 0:50:15 GMT
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Post by dald222 on Dec 17, 2018 23:21:34 GMT
I am sorry that yo are going through this
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Post by CarolinaGirl71 on Dec 17, 2018 23:25:44 GMT
I validate you! My DH is great in many ways, but he's terrible at gifts. After 22 years, I buy my own gifts, wrap them and put them under the tree. It's better than being disappointed every Christmas morning. I buy my gifts too, but I give them to DH to wrap. That way, everyone is happy!
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Deleted
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Jun 29, 2024 5:11:25 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2018 23:45:17 GMT
I grew with parents who didn’t give a damn whether I got a gift or not. If fact they stopped giving gifts TO me when I was a teen. I spent what little money I got to buy my own gifts. ( I went without lunch to save money. ) my brother on the other hand got money and gifts all the time. )But my father expected tons of gifts for every holiday. He never bought anything for anybody. If he didn’t get his gifts , he ruined the day for everybody)
I can write a novel on this, but I know what the OP is experiencing, it’s not a love thing, but a I just want to know you think about me.
I do wonder how many grew up not getting gifts, or their spouse not getting them anything.
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Post by hop2 on Dec 17, 2018 23:49:11 GMT
Would you be happy with an experience gift? Like a restaurant gift card or some kind of date night? That would skirt the “you just want stuff” issue and you’d still have something to open on Christmas Day. This was my thought, too. Could you both agree not to buy gifts for each other and put those funds toward a date night or a weekend away? Maybe you just need to remove the gift thing completely. And I say that as a prostitute whose love language is gifts. :-p (My other one is words of affirmation, which I guess makes me Donald Trump.) :-p :-p you made me laugh out loud
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 29, 2024 5:11:25 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2018 23:54:22 GMT
I guess I must be a pimp because I have a household full of hookers. ![:D](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/grin.png) My kids would be totally disappointed if they didn't get any Christmas gifts!
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