GiantsFan
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Jun 27, 2014 14:44:56 GMT
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Post by GiantsFan on Dec 17, 2018 23:56:25 GMT
I don't know anything about love languages, but if I was the only one who didn't get a gift, you can be damned sure I'd purchase my own gifts after that.
Thank goodness DH and I don't exchange gifts.
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Post by lucyg on Dec 18, 2018 0:00:47 GMT
While I might have worded it more gently I agree with the sentiment here. You need to come to terms with the fact that he’s never going to be a good gifter, and then you can start feeling better about the whole thing. I’m sure he has other worthwhile characteristics, right? Love him for what he is instead of resenting him for what he’s not. For the family Christmas, I would buy myself something I wanted, wrap it up all pretty with a tag “from hubby” and put it under the tree. Open it, thank him, and be happy. In my experience, coming to terms with the fact that one's SO does not give enough shits to do something you find important is not going to make you feel better about it. Because that means accepting that you don't rate high enough on his priority list or he is so apathetic about your needs. When you have to accept that sort of reality, it does not make you feel good about yourself or the relationship. I always love how people whose love language is the act of being gifted get shit while someone who needs to hear they are loved or get physical affection always get support. I bet if you told someone who needs to get physical affection to go masturbate, they would probably not find that helpful nor would they be happy. Because it's just like it's not solely about having an orgasm, it's not really about what is in a wrapped package. It is the time, attention, and care that results that is importaft. Okay then. Maybe it would have been better if I’d just told her to cut her losses and file for divorce right now. Yes, it would be nice if her husband would be more considerate and buy her a decent gift. But if he hasn’t changed by now, he isn’t likely to. And assuming she’d like to stay married and have a fairly peaceful marriage, she’s going to be happier and feel more peaceful if she can find a way to deal with this problem instead of stewing about it for the next how many years?
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zztop11
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Posts: 2,537
Oct 10, 2014 0:54:51 GMT
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Post by zztop11 on Dec 18, 2018 0:03:15 GMT
I've written about this same thing over the years. My husband is not from the gift givers. Do you remember two years ago he messed up my Kitchen Aid mixer trying to paint it the day before our family Chanukah party. That was the final straw. After I had nothing to open and he told me it was in the basement drying (pardon me but it looked like a piece of sh*t the way he painted it) I found a nice new red one like I'd always wanted. Mine was old and beige. Bought it for myself and was very happy.
Wasn't going to let the same sh*t happen last year so 3 months before Chanukah I found the perfect cuckoo clock and bought it for myself. Didn't tell anyone. Wrapped it and all. It's in my office and I absolutely love it.
This year I bought myself the book "Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat: Mastering the Elements of Good Cooking" by Samin Nosrat. Have been watching her show and wanted this. Ordered it from Amazon. It came. I didn't look at it. Wrapped it up and I'll open it this weekend at our party. The other day, my husband said, "Do I need to buy you a birthday gift?" (My bday is Dec. 29). I said "No. No problem. I'll buy myself something in Palm Springs." (We'll be in CA. for 1-1/2 weeks before our 2 week Panama Canal crossing cruise.) I can get myself whatever I want with no guilt. Heck. . . it's my birthday and I'll do it my way. Yes, I miss the "romantic" aspect of the gift getting, but heck it was never there to begin with.
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Post by dewryce on Dec 18, 2018 0:15:53 GMT
This year I bought myself the book "Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat: Mastering the Elements of Good Cooking" by Samin Nosrat. Have been watching her show and wanted this. Ordered it from Amazon. It came. I didn't look at it. Wrapped it up and I'll open it this weekend at our party. The other day, my husband said, "Do I need to buy you a birthday gift?" (My bday is Dec. 29). I said "No. No problem. I'll buy myself something in Palm Springs." (We'll be in CA. for 1-1/2 weeks before our 2 week Panama Canal crossing cruise.) I can get myself whatever I want with no guilt. Heck. . . it's my birthday and I'll do it my way. Yes, I miss the "romantic" aspect of the gift getting, but heck it was never there to begin with. Just added to my cart for DH, right up his alley thank you!
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Post by ~summer~ on Dec 18, 2018 0:16:50 GMT
Just want to add I love the book "Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat"!!
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Post by scrapmaven on Dec 18, 2018 0:21:07 GMT
I grew with parents who didn’t give a damn whether I got a gift or not. If fact they stopped giving gifts TO me when I was a teen. I spent what little money I got to buy my own gifts. ( I went without lunch to save money. ) my brother on the other hand got money and gifts all the time. )But my father expected tons of gifts for every holiday. He never bought anything for anybody. If he didn’t get his gifts , he ruined the day for everybody) I can write a novel on this, but I know what the OP is experiencing, it’s not a love thing, but a I just want to know you think about me. I do wonder how many grew up not getting gifts, or their spouse not getting them anything. That incredibly sad and very wrong. That they doted on your brother and did nothing for you says so much about the damage they inflicted upon you and your brother. Just curious, what is your brother like now? Is he narcissitic or generous?
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Dec 18, 2018 0:24:45 GMT
I think several people here could stand to read the book “The Five Love Languages.”
That being said, I agree with jeremeysgirl. My primary love language is not gifts. However, I have gotten irritated in years past when my husband hasn’t gotten me a gift or he hands me something still in the bag he brought it home in. I put all of the effort into Christmas and it would be nice if he appreciated what I do and could at least put some effort into a gift for me.
My husband is also a person who doesn’t like to give people gift ideas. So that leaves me trying to think of ideas to tell my mom and stepmom and also coming up with something to buy him myself as well. He doesn’t have many hobbies or things he likes to do, so finding new ideas each year is a little difficult.
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Dec 18, 2018 0:25:09 GMT
My family gives gifts. We all give gifts big and small. My husband got me nothing for a holiday but two months later he bought me a Japanese English dictionary. That wasn’t a good gift. I feel your pain. I’m happy to see you posting again!
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Post by mikklynn on Dec 18, 2018 0:30:09 GMT
I validate you. Your DH is being really unfair, if he won't agree to let you tell him exactly what you want.
I gave up on DH after years of being disappointed. He truly cannot understand why it upsets me he can't select a gift for me. I blame his parents who were very cold people.
His cancer diagnosis got him off the hook.
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Deleted
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Sept 28, 2024 22:49:56 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2018 0:31:29 GMT
I grew with parents who didn’t give a damn whether I got a gift or not. If fact they stopped giving gifts TO me when I was a teen. I spent what little money I got to buy my own gifts. ( I went without lunch to save money. ) my brother on the other hand got money and gifts all the time. )But my father expected tons of gifts for every holiday. He never bought anything for anybody. If he didn’t get his gifts , he ruined the day for everybody) I can write a novel on this, but I know what the OP is experiencing, it’s not a love thing, but a I just want to know you think about me. I do wonder how many grew up not getting gifts, or their spouse not getting them anything. That incredibly sad and very wrong. That they doted on your brother and did nothing for you says so much about the damage they inflicted upon you and your brother. Just curious, what is your brother like now? Is he narcissitic or generous?
Ha! He is an ashat. And a narcissist. He believes that he is the center of the world and he deserves only the best. He pretends that he has a bs in something. He doesn’t, he failed out of big kid college. Daddy got him started in the job he has today. He and my mother devised a great plan so I didn’t inherit anything. He even keep my tears and photos. But he will go to his grave knowing he cheated me plus he will still be married to his ho of a wife. Leaving those people behind was the best thing I ever did!!! I could not ask for a better life.
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Post by scrapmaven on Dec 18, 2018 0:37:00 GMT
Oh That incredibly sad and very wrong. That they doted on your brother and did nothing for you says so much about the damage they inflicted upon you and your brother. Just curious, what is your brother like now? Is he narcissitic or generous?
Ha! He is an ashat. And a narcissist. He believes that he is the center of the world and he deserves only the best. He pretends that he has a bs in something. He doesn’t, he failed out of big kid college. Daddy got him started in the job he has today. He and my mother devised a great plan so I didn’t inherit anything. He even keep my tears and photos. But he will go to his grave knowing he cheated me plus he will still be married to his ho of a wife. Leaving those people behind was the best thing I ever did!!! I could not ask for a better life. Oh, how awful. You and I could compare horror stories about greed and families. When my parents died I cut ties w/my entire family except for my sister. Best thing I ever did. Death brought out the ugly in my family and I stepped away and haven't looked back. Your brother was raised to be the awful person that he is. Good for you for walking away. Isn't life much more peaceful?
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julie5
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,611
Jul 11, 2018 15:20:45 GMT
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Post by julie5 on Dec 18, 2018 0:37:39 GMT
My husband is not a shopper. At all. And this year I swore I wasn’t going to buy my gift. And then he wanted a list. And I gave him one but it was realllllly hard to find things I wanted. And I realized, he’s not only one at fault here. I just don’t need anything and I want for nothing. Last night he jokingly told me to buy my gift today while I was out shopping. And I decided that I would because he works really hard for our money and all he’s asking is that I pick myself something I want. So I bought myself a lego set because I love lego and every time I’m in the lego aisle, my face lights up. He loves me and he shows me in his own way. But he’s not a shopper. For anyone. And he will enjoy watching me play with my toy on Christmas
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Deleted
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Sept 28, 2024 22:49:56 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2018 0:42:42 GMT
scrapmavenThe drama of the ho! My mother ( before I stopped speaking to her) said that they both were cheating. They got into deep deep debt and had to sell their house and move in with mother. mother raised the kids, because the ho slept in, and went out shopping a lot. My brother really did get the life he deserved.
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keithurbanlovinpea
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Flowing with the go...
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Jun 29, 2014 3:29:30 GMT
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Post by keithurbanlovinpea on Dec 18, 2018 0:44:52 GMT
I understand gifts as a love language. But hanging your hat on someone else changing your behavior for you to be happy will always end in disappointment.
While I get that it would be nice if he tried to understand your love language, can you perhaps learn what he IS giving and learn to work with that?
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Dec 18, 2018 0:50:23 GMT
I have to admit I don’t understand just brushing off someone’s outright refusal to buy their SO (or anyone really) a gift. So they’re not good at it. So they don’t like it. Who cares? It’s important to you. IMO, that should be enough for some effort on their part. These days they don’t even have to leave the house. I often wonder how these same people would feel if no one made the effort for them on their birthday or Christmas or Father’s Day. Now repeat year after year. Would they get it then? Some wouldn’t, but I bet most would. I get that just buying something on your own from him and getting over it is the easiest most simple solution. But you shouldn’t have to. In my opinion, you are not out of line expecting that your husband will hear you when you tell him it’s important to you and put a little time and energy into it. You know, if single I would have zero interest in triathlons. I’d be impressed with the dedication involved, but that’s it. But...they are DH’s thing. I know a lot about triathlons now. Not because he forced me, but because they are important to him so I made them important to me. I spend a LOT of time, energy and money on triathlons. Happily. For him. To me, it’s the same concept. Important to him automatically equals important to me. Exactly! The whole point of understanding your love language and that of your partner is to be able to have your partner “hear” you when you are trying to show your love. If I am speaking in Spanish and my husband speaks Italian, we will he most likely to understand each other if we both make an effort to speak the other persons language. Not just one of us learning a new language.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Dec 18, 2018 0:50:32 GMT
Packages mysteriously land in my hubby’s office for him to wrap for me.
He was never a big gifter, but there were things that he would do in a big way that were awesome.
He finally had an epiphany one year that it sucked to see me on Christmas morning not opening anything when there were plenty of gifts for him. Any the year that my stocking was the only empty one!
Now it’s a combination of him shopping and me shopping for me.
It works and as I’ve grown up, I’ve let it go.
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Rhondito
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MississipPea
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Jun 25, 2014 19:33:19 GMT
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Post by Rhondito on Dec 18, 2018 0:53:50 GMT
I've been single for 21 years. For a long time when my daughter was little, the dog got presents for me
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Dec 18, 2018 0:53:50 GMT
Yes, I'm not allowed to do that. The times I've tried I've been ignored or we go back to the "I just want stuff" line. He'd also be pissed if I shopped for myself, which (to him) says you don't trust me to do it on my own. GIVING gifts is my love language. finding something that I know someone wants and being able to get it for them says I pay attention, and have found something I know they'll like/want. I bought my BFF some caramel chocolates from Aldi as I know she loves caramel and we exchange small gifts with each other this time of year. Does this make her spoiled? If she gives me starbucks because she knows it's a rare treat for me, does this mean I'm spoiled because I appreciate the fact that she took 2 seconds to think through something I might like? You can frame it however you want, but I think showing love through purchases sounds childish and spoiled, yes. Makes me think of prostitution, personally. My friends don’t need to think about me in terms of gift cards for me to know they care. Aren’t you the one who always comments about how much much you spend on your kids?
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Dec 18, 2018 0:56:15 GMT
I don’t understand gifts as a love language. I just don’t think it’s acceptable for adults to expect presents to show love. I think people who claim gifts are their love language just sound like spoiled rotten children 🤷🏻♀️ Buy yourself whatever you want, wrap it up, and open it on Christmas. You get what you want and DH isnt grumpy anymore because you’ve relieved the unnecessary stress from your relationship. You can frame it however you want, but I think showing love through purchases sounds childish and spoiled, yes. Makes me think of prostitution, personally. My friends don’t need to think about me in terms of gift cards for me to know they care. I hope you're in therapy. Your answers often bemuse me. I can't imagine what you've experienced in life to view things the way you do. (And, yes, I read your later post about your father and brother... like I said, it may be something best worked out in therapy.) we are the opposite. DH is the best gift giver in the world and i am the worst. i think i am a man like that. LOL. guess when i'm shopping for his gifts? 2 days before Christmas because i have no idea what to get him. the problem is, we have everything we want or need. we really do. we tell each other not to get anything for the other (and for a moment i think i'm in the clear) but i know on Christmas morning he will come through with some cool things. i kind of feel for your DH. That's more descriptive of us. I express my love best in physical gestures and verbal reassurances and I really like to receive the same. He's a fabulous gift giver and wants to receive great gifts. We try to meet each other halfway. I'm becoming a better gift giver and he's learning to be more expressive day to day. I have to work hard at gifts for him. I plan early and go to great lengths to get it right. (I did this year, by the way. Pretty proud of myself. I can't wait for him to open his big gift. He'll be blown away.)
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Post by kernriver on Dec 18, 2018 0:56:23 GMT
If you said, in plain English, ‘Presents from you make me feel loved. Doesn’t matter the price, just a present from you’. What would happen?
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Post by scrapqueen01 on Dec 18, 2018 0:56:42 GMT
Dh's parents were the type to give gifts then take them back. If they found the same item on sale cheaper than what it was originally bought they would take it away from him and return it to the store to get their money back. Then they would go to the store they found the cheaper price and buy there. Usually the item was already sold out at the cheaper price and they would get something totally unrelated to the original gift. I really feel like this is the reason dh doesn't understand gift giving. I'm pretty frugal and like saving money but I wouldn't take a gift away from a child unless it doesn't fit, broken etc.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 18, 2018 0:57:16 GMT
If you need gifts to feel loved, I’m going to stand by my statement. Grow up. Move on. Shop for yourself. Huh. So, when my then 6yo son gifted me with a box of individually wrapped rocks (that he'd meticulously picked out from our backyard landscaping) and it thrilled my heart beyond measure, I was just being a 'ho? Lol! You are one of the very last people here I'd suspect of being a ho. I am laughing so hard at that.
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Post by Hayjaker on Dec 18, 2018 1:05:59 GMT
and it's driving me nuts. This is a conversation/fight we have every year. He's not a gifter. He's just not. He's a great guy but he can't choose a gift to save his life. To him, it has to be a grand gesture or nothing. We've don't have the funds to make the grand gesture very often. as a result he tends to just shut down. Things came to a head in 2012, which was also the single worst year of my adult life. He didn't get me anything for Christmas that year. I literally sat with his family and watched everyone else open presents, I had nothing. I think I came to the old board to vent I was so upset. We had a come to Jesus meeting after that which is when I really realized he doesn't get it. He thinks I just "want stuff". Making this harder is is the fact that I do all the other holiday shopping, including gifts for both his parents who have December birthdays. I don't mind doing this, I really don't. I know he hates to shop plus he's working part time at Target in addition to his 9-5 job. (a fact he throws in when things get contentious between us). He texts me today saying his plans for my gift have fallen through. I say do you have a backup plan? He gets royally pissed at me and we hang up angry at each other. It really makes me want to be uncharitable and throw back at him how much work I do this time of year. Thinking about it, it comes down to we're not on the same page. He feels I don't trust him to come through with something (which I don't) and I feel he doesn't' get that the ACT of getting me something makes me feel loved. It doesn't matter if that something is the 1.00 energy drink in the flavor I like or the $100 earbuds I'm saving for. It's putting in the effort to do something. On the one hand, I'm an adult and fully realize that the fact that we're warm in our home that we co-own with the bank is more than others have. But come on, we do have resources, they're limited but they are there. I just needed to get that out. We'll talk when we both get home from work, and I'll reiterate again that it's not the grand gesture but I have doubts that I'll get through. gifting is just not his love language. Gift him The 5 Love Languages EXACTLY what I was going to say!
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Deleted
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Sept 28, 2024 22:49:56 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2018 1:10:27 GMT
Dh's parents were the type to give gifts then take them back. If they found the same item on sale cheaper than what it was originally bought they would take it away from him and return it to the store to get their money back. Then they would go to the store they found the cheaper price and buy there. Usually the item was already sold out at the cheaper price and they would get something totally unrelated to the original gift. I really feel like this is the reason dh doesn't understand gift giving. I'm pretty frugal and like saving money but I wouldn't take a gift away from a child unless it doesn't fit, broken etc. I will go one better! My father would buy ( he did this if Christmas was at our house) me something destined to be a collectors item. I would get to keep it until I went to my grand’s house or to school and then he would hide it somewhere. THEN he would blame me for losing it , that would set him off. I think this why I am so attached to things.
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Post by dewryce on Dec 18, 2018 1:12:42 GMT
@megmc I’m sorry for the way your family treated you. It sounds horrific and no one deserves that.
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peasquared
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,672
Jul 6, 2014 23:59:59 GMT
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Post by peasquared on Dec 18, 2018 1:12:45 GMT
I validate you! I was in similar relationship once. It's not about the gifts, or needing presents. It's the idea that your SO took time out of his/her day to do something for you. Put in the effort, as others mentioned. It could be anything, a pack of gum, whatever. When we, as women, care enough to make everyone else's holiday special, from food to decorations to carefully wrapped gifts, it's nice to know that someone thought of us. Even if it's only for 5 minutes. Vent away!
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Post by scrapqueen01 on Dec 18, 2018 1:17:51 GMT
Dh's parents were the type to give gifts then take them back. If they found the same item on sale cheaper than what it was originally bought they would take it away from him and return it to the store to get their money back. Then they would go to the store they found the cheaper price and buy there. Usually the item was already sold out at the cheaper price and they would get something totally unrelated to the original gift. I really feel like this is the reason dh doesn't understand gift giving. I'm pretty frugal and like saving money but I wouldn't take a gift away from a child unless it doesn't fit, broken etc. I will go one better! My father would buy ( he did this if Christmas was at our house) me something destined to be a collectors item. I would get to keep it until I went to my grand’s house or to school and then he would hide it somewhere. THEN he would blame me for losing it , that would set him off. I think this why I am so attached to things. OMG Meg that is horrible. Dh holds on to things as well in a horderish type of way.
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Post by heather on Dec 18, 2018 1:25:51 GMT
I validate you! I was in similar relationship once. It's not about the gifts, or needing presents. It's the idea that your SO took time out of his/her day to do something for you. Put in the effort, as others mentioned. It could be anything, a pack of gum, whatever. When we, as women, care enough to make everyone else's holiday special, from food to decorations to carefully wrapped gifts, it's nice to know that someone thought of us. Even if it's only for 5 minutes. Vent away! Exactly. After taking care of everyone and everything, having to buy something for myself because my DH can’t spend 5 minutes on Amazon is insulting. I just want to know someone was thinking of me... Every year I know I won’t have a Christmas present under the tree and I accept it. But it still hurts.
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Post by elaine on Dec 18, 2018 1:29:02 GMT
I don’t understand gifts as a love language. I just don’t think it’s acceptable for adults to expect presents to show love. I think people who claim gifts are their love language just sound like spoiled rotten children 🤷🏻♀️ Buy yourself whatever you want, wrap it up, and open it on Christmas. You get what you want and DH isnt grumpy anymore because you’ve relieved the unnecessary stress from your relationship. You can frame it however you want, but I think showing love through purchases sounds childish and spoiled, yes. Makes me think of prostitution, personally. My friends don’t need to think about me in terms of gift cards for me to know they care. I hope you're in therapy. Your answers often bemuse me. I can't imagine what you've experienced in life to view things the way you do. (And, yes, I read your later post about your father and brother... like I said, it may be something best worked out in therapy.) we are the opposite. DH is the best gift giver in the world and i am the worst. i think i am a man like that. LOL. guess when i'm shopping for his gifts? 2 days before Christmas because i have no idea what to get him. the problem is, we have everything we want or need. we really do. we tell each other not to get anything for the other (and for a moment i think i'm in the clear) but i know on Christmas morning he will come through with some cool things. i kind of feel for your DH. That's more descriptive of us. I express my love best in physical gestures and verbal reassurances and I really like to receive the same. He's a fabulous gift giver and wants to receive great gifts. We try to meet each other halfway. I'm becoming a better gift giver and he's learning to be more expressive day to day. I have to work hard at gifts for him. I plan early and go to great lengths to get it right. (I did this year, by the way. Pretty proud of myself. I can't wait for him to open his big gift. He'll be blown away.) The father/brother thing was megmc, not myshelly. They both are using the same Proboards stock avatar photo, so it is easy to get them confused. Myshelly is the one whose whole extended family lives within a few blocks of each other and who will cut her kids off completely if they consider moving outside the designated family zone. So, it is humorous to hear her calling other people petty and childish.
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Dec 18, 2018 1:32:55 GMT
Op—i just re-read your first post. is your husband upset right now because he did have a good idea for a gift that fell through, and he is therefore frustrated that he has to come up with a new idea? Or is it that you think he didn’t really have an idea at all and is using it “falling through” as an excuse?
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