julie5
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,611
Jul 11, 2018 15:20:45 GMT
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Post by julie5 on Dec 18, 2018 19:20:05 GMT
I’m the crappy gifter to DH. However, this kinda falls into the “you cannot change other people” as well as the “other people cannot make you happy” realm for me. I don’t see it as a lack of respect unless there are other issues that support that conclusion. And if that’s the case, it’s not about the gift, that’s just one symptom. Getting bent out of shape over bad or no gifts after many years of marriage, hasn’t changed anything. You need to change your response or decide to be disappointed every freakin year. The choice is yours. Or you could always divorce him and marry a good gift giver, but maybe the good gifter sucks at other stuff, because last I looked, nobody is perfect. I think for me personally, I was allowing myself to be hurt because I wanted my husband to notice things I love and then give/do those things for me. But he’s never pretended to notice anything. I literally have to smack him upside the head. But, on Christmas when I’m enjoying my gift I picked out , THAT he will notice. And once I realized that, my attitude completely changed. He does notice things, like he notices how much I enjoy scrapbooking and pretends NOT to notice the incoming boxes Some people are so hard to buy for, like the nieces and nephews who could stock a few toys r us stores, that we give cash for their birthdays. Which is making them pick out their own gift. This is really no different except I didn’t have a limit on myself. Perspective really helps things.
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Post by chlerbie on Dec 18, 2018 19:56:16 GMT
I always get gifts...but he's really just not good about picking them out and I generally feel like he just doesn't put a lot of thought into them. Every once in awhile he surprises me, but I have just come to accept that he is just not a great gift giver. Seriously, one year I got a cemetary urn. I don't care about big pricey items--just would be really pleased if he remembered something I mentioned or something that was well thought out. I don't want to buy my own gifts. I can do that any time. In the realm of Love Languages, his way of showing love is act of services, so he'll do anything for me, anytime without complaint. I feel really lucky that he is so amazing in so many other ways that I try my best to let the gift giving thing go. did he think it was a vase? Or was he preparing for the future? If it was the latter did he get himself a matching one? Haha..yes, he thought it was a pretty vase. He bought it at a friend's antique/junk shop. He really meant well, but...seriously?
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bethany102399
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,560
Oct 11, 2014 3:17:29 GMT
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Post by bethany102399 on Dec 18, 2018 19:58:52 GMT
Haha..yes, he thought it was a pretty vase. He bought it at a friend's antique/junk shop. He really meant well, but...seriously? ok, I'm willing to give him some credit that he thought it was a pretty vase. I can totally see DH buying what he thinks is one thing and it turns out to be another.
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Post by jenjie on Dec 18, 2018 20:01:15 GMT
did he think it was a vase? Or was he preparing for the future? If it was the latter did he get himself a matching one? Haha..yes, he thought it was a pretty vase. He bought it at a friend's antique/junk shop. He really meant well, but...seriously? A friend let him pay good money for an urn for his wife as a gift? What kind of friend is that?!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 29, 2024 5:07:35 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2018 20:03:59 GMT
I'm sorry, I feel badly for you and I totally get it. A lot of us as moms and wives have so much pressure on us to do the gift planning and buying for others, receiving a gift is a way for us to feel appreciated. I mean, I would be thrilled with a zero cost heartfelt letter or another kind gesture that doesn't cost money, but that doesn't happen either. My DH is usually a good gift giver, but he needs hints and wants to know what I spent. And he complains about it (some years more than others) and I just tell him to plan better and it's not so painful. I hate that he does his shopping last minute every.single.year. although his fallback is a Macy's gift card, which I love since he know it's a treat to shop there for myself.
If it were me, I would definitely communicate with him and just get it out there. Sounds like he turns the gift-giving more about himself than others. If he can't improve, how about not giving gifts to each other or buying a shared gift? FWIW, that is what we have been doing on my birthday...we go stay overnight somewhere, dinner and drinks and my DH pays the bill. And for your sake, you should absolutely stop buying gifts for his family, no matter how much you don't mind. Even if he picks up what you tell him to get, make him shop for his parents. Hopefully that could be a start to him being more considerate to others.
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Post by chlerbie on Dec 18, 2018 20:12:41 GMT
Haha..yes, he thought it was a pretty vase. He bought it at a friend's antique/junk shop. He really meant well, but...seriously? A friend let him pay good money for an urn for his wife as a gift? What kind of friend is that?! A friend who just wanted to make money off him, apparently. Funny, they're actually not friends anymore. We laugh about it now. He's ordered me something from Amazon this year and I'm extremely curious what he's picked out this time.
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Post by giatocj on Dec 18, 2018 20:15:16 GMT
Coincidentally, I just came across this article on my FB feed and it's a pretty interesting read. It kind of goes to a lot of how I feel about my husband's lack of the gift giving gene . Husbands and Gift Giving
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Dec 18, 2018 20:22:00 GMT
I always get gifts...but he's really just not good about picking them out and I generally feel like he just doesn't put a lot of thought into them. Every once in awhile he surprises me, but I have just come to accept that he is just not a great gift giver. Seriously, one year I got a cemetary urn. I don't care about big pricey items--just would be really pleased if he remembered something I mentioned or something that was well thought out. I don't want to buy my own gifts. I can do that any time. In the realm of Love Languages, his way of showing love is act of services, so he'll do anything for me, anytime without complaint. I feel really lucky that he is so amazing in so many other ways that I try my best to let the gift giving thing go. Peas probably remember the year I got blackberry syrup (from my FIL’s significant other). 🤣🤣🤣🤣
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Dec 18, 2018 20:42:13 GMT
and it's driving me nuts. This is a conversation/fight we have every year. He's not a gifter. He's just not. He's a great guy but he can't choose a gift to save his life. To him, it has to be a grand gesture or nothing. We've don't have the funds to make the grand gesture very often. as a result he tends to just shut down. I'm only partway through the thread, but so far (on page 3) the topic has only been 'he sucks at giving gifts' or 'he doesn't want to buy me a gift.' In your OP, you said yourself that HE feels gifts should be "grand gestures" or nothing. And since you don't have the $$ to BUY the grand gesture "thing" then he sucks at picking out other gifts. Does the grand gesture have to be a huge, $$$ purchased gift? For him to give it, or for you to receive / appreciate it? Because a grand gesture could be an experience, could be him taking you to an event he despises just because YOU love it, etc. etc. It sounds like you need to have a talk about it. And from personal experience, it's just a fact of life that our lives change over time, and things just aren't always like we want them to be. If your DH is working full time AND part-time, to me, that in and of itself is a pretty 'grand gesture' on his part. (TO ME, I said.) Do you feel unappreciated by him at other times, or is it just this one thing? if it's just this one thing, then yeah, I agree, you should figure out how to make it okay in your head. (but then again, maybe that's because my love language isn't gifts.) [My DH is on the road most of the time, and when he's home, he does the stuff I HATE doing- cleaning the litter box, cleaning the bathroom, things like that. Those are pretty grand gestures in my opinion. It would be practically impossible for him on his schedule to buy me something he would think was 'acceptable' to give me for a gift. We made it easier on ourselves and just decided not to exchange gifts with each other at Christmas; we do something together or buy something together for the house. (Honestly, the best gift he can give me is when he gets a job that has him home more often-- which he's working on.)]
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Post by gar on Dec 18, 2018 20:58:28 GMT
did he think it was a vase? Or was he preparing for the future? If it was the latter did he get himself a matching one? Haha..yes, he thought it was a pretty vase. He bought it at a friend's antique/junk shop. He really meant well, but...seriously? One Valentine's Day my Dad bought my Mum a dreadful dried flower arrangement set on a cork disc complete with pine cones sprayed gold and some little red baubles
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NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,856
Jun 25, 2014 21:53:42 GMT
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Dec 18, 2018 21:17:57 GMT
I always get gifts...but he's really just not good about picking them out and I generally feel like he just doesn't put a lot of thought into them. Every once in awhile he surprises me, but I have just come to accept that he is just not a great gift giver. Seriously, one year I got a cemetary urn. I don't care about big pricey items--just would be really pleased if he remembered something I mentioned or something that was well thought out. I don't want to buy my own gifts. I can do that any time. In the realm of Love Languages, his way of showing love is act of services, so he'll do anything for me, anytime without complaint. I feel really lucky that he is so amazing in so many other ways that I try my best to let the gift giving thing go. Peas probably remember the year I got blackberry syrup (from my FIL’s significant other). 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I remember! Everytime I’m shopping for syrup I always think of you lol
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bethany102399
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,560
Oct 11, 2014 3:17:29 GMT
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Post by bethany102399 on Dec 18, 2018 21:34:32 GMT
Does the grand gesture have to be a huge, $$$ purchased gift? For him to give it, or for you to receive / appreciate it? Oh goodness no, it's his hang up to give a BIG gift. He could wrap up a can of smoked almonds and I'd be happy. Do you feel unappreciated by him at other times, or is it just this one thing? You know, it's just this one thing. and this thread has really forced me to go back and re-evaluate the things he does that I know he hates, but he does because he loves me. We have a family member who recently went through a nasty divorce and custody battle with their X (I've posted about it here) that coupled with a person at his work who has separated from their spouse has reminded both of us that marriage is work, and that we both need to put in the time to make it work. And the end of the day I'm human, hurt me (as he did in 2012) and my reactions are going to come from that hurt place sometimes. Doesn't' mean I can't go back and say I'm sorry and I do trust you. On the experience thing, that just won't work for us in our current life. We have no access to a babysitter and my mom won't take both kids without an act of congress. They're getting older and are more willing to stay by themselves, but they're not old enough for we're going to dinner, you're on your own yet. We'll get there. We do lunch a lot to make up for it. This thread has been enlightening, in many ways. And I've never started one that went 6 pages before. wow.
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Post by sean&marysmommy on Dec 18, 2018 21:37:13 GMT
I have to admit I don’t understand just brushing off someone’s outright refusal to buy their SO (or anyone really) a gift. So they’re not good at it. So they don’t like it. Who cares? It’s important to you. IMO, that should be enough for some effort on their part. These days they don’t even have to leave the house. I often wonder how these same people would feel if no one made the effort for them on their birthday or Christmas or Father’s Day. Now repeat year after year. Would they get it then? Some wouldn’t, but I bet most would. I get that just buying something on your own from him and getting over it is the easiest most simple solution. But you shouldn’t have to. In my opinion, you are not out of line expecting that your husband will hear you when you tell him it’s important to you and put a little time and energy into it. You know, if single I would have zero interest in triathlons. I’d be impressed with the dedication involved, but that’s it. But...they are DH’s thing. I know a lot about triathlons now. Not because he forced me, but because they are important to him so I made them important to me. I spend a LOT of time, energy and money on triathlons. Happily. For him. To me, it’s the same concept. Important to him automatically equals important to me. I'm way back on page 1, but I kind of wish you'd marry me.....
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twinsmomfla99
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,013
Jun 26, 2014 13:42:47 GMT
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Post by twinsmomfla99 on Dec 18, 2018 21:42:48 GMT
Can you enlist an ally to help him select a gift?
My dad wasn’t a bad gift-giver so much as he was clueless about the gift budget. He lived to buy for my mom, but he often missed the budget mark, either buying something far too extravagant for the family budget (because Mom did all the shopping and banking) or far under what he could have spent. He also had no clue about women’s clothing sizes, but he always wanted her to have a new outfit under the tree.
Mom got a friend at a local store to help her out. She would pick out an outfit and try it on. Midge would tape Moms name on it in a gift box and keep it in the back room. Dad always shopped at this store because it was the “fanciest” in town, and Midge always worked weekends at Christmas, so Mom knew she would be there when Dad went to the store. When Midge saw him come through the door, she made sure she “guided” him to the correct outfit, and amazingly, she was always able to assure him that there was one in the back that she was positive would fit Mom!
This went on for years, and I am sure my Dad was not the only clueless husband that Midge helped.
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Post by dewryce on Dec 18, 2018 23:43:40 GMT
I have to admit I don’t understand just brushing off someone’s outright refusal to buy their SO (or anyone really) a gift. So they’re not good at it. So they don’t like it. Who cares? It’s important to you. IMO, that should be enough for some effort on their part. These days they don’t even have to leave the house. I often wonder how these same people would feel if no one made the effort for them on their birthday or Christmas or Father’s Day. Now repeat year after year. Would they get it then? Some wouldn’t, but I bet most would. I get that just buying something on your own from him and getting over it is the easiest most simple solution. But you shouldn’t have to. In my opinion, you are not out of line expecting that your husband will hear you when you tell him it’s important to you and put a little time and energy into it. You know, if single I would have zero interest in triathlons. I’d be impressed with the dedication involved, but that’s it. But...they are DH’s thing. I know a lot about triathlons now. Not because he forced me, but because they are important to him so I made them important to me. I spend a LOT of time, energy and money on triathlons. Happily. For him. To me, it’s the same concept. Important to him automatically equals important to me. I'm way back on page 1, but I kind of wish you'd marry me..... You’re fabulous, but DH gets all my love languages, is smart, kind and tall (you know to help reach the high stuff). So I’m going to stick with him for now but I’ll definitely keep that in mind!
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Dec 18, 2018 23:51:30 GMT
And I've never started one that went 6 pages before. wow. congrats! (meant all in fun, of course!) I think things like gift-giving and the holidays are a big topic because everyone brings their personal experience to the table (so to speak) with their response to the topic. And 'experiences' don't have to mean leaving the house, leaving the kids alone, or even cost any money. Maybe it could be something as simple as having a movie night together, just the two of you, snuggled on the couch, after the kids are in bed? something like that? Some of the best times we have together are those rare evenings when we sit on the patio in the evening and talk... about anything, everything, and nothing at all. (yeah, material 'thing' gifts are nice- I'm not trying to discount that- but sometimes the gift of 'time alone together' is a good one, too.)
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Post by grate on Dec 19, 2018 16:55:39 GMT
are we married to the same guy? no Mother's Day gift..."well, your not MY mother" Christmas he would get me something but leave it in the car and get it eventually. Yet he would always go on about how lovely I make Christmas for everyone. I am so sorry he does this to you, the only thing I can think is maybe he feels badly that he can't give you want he thinks you want and avoids it and snaps at you? I have given up myself and am very tempted to not get him something this year. Did so last Father's Day and he did not feel so great but heck he's not MY dad Thankfully I have very sweet and kind kids! I hope you get your earbuds!
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Gravity
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,231
Jun 27, 2014 0:29:55 GMT
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Post by Gravity on Dec 19, 2018 17:01:59 GMT
My DH is also a clueless gifter. I bought myself a new iPad with his credit card, wrapped it, and put it under the tree. This isn’t a hill worth dying on.
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bethany102399
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,560
Oct 11, 2014 3:17:29 GMT
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Post by bethany102399 on Dec 19, 2018 17:20:59 GMT
the only thing I can think is maybe he feels badly that he can't give you want he thinks you want and avoids it and snaps at you? I think this is part of what's going on. He equates the big statement gift with saying how much he cares, when really it's the hey I noticed you liked x so I got you some that would really mean something to me. And before anyone jumps down my throat, of course I love when he can do the big statement gift, and express my happiness when he does get me anything. But I wish he "got" that it doesn't have to be some big statement gift, especially when we don't have the funds to do it and it just leaves him frustrated he can't. Of course, we got a box in the mail yesterday addressed to me. Inside was a wrapped gift from Amazon to me. another item in the box was not wrapped. Did I hand the box to DH to look at knowing it was for me? nope, I dug into the box to see what the second item was (it's connected to the first item) and ruined the surprise of my gift from my inlaws. I was so mad at myself I could have spit.
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