bethany102399
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Post by bethany102399 on Dec 17, 2018 21:19:24 GMT
and it's driving me nuts. This is a conversation/fight we have every year. He's not a gifter. He's just not. He's a great guy but he can't choose a gift to save his life. To him, it has to be a grand gesture or nothing. We've don't have the funds to make the grand gesture very often. as a result he tends to just shut down.
Things came to a head in 2012, which was also the single worst year of my adult life. He didn't get me anything for Christmas that year. I literally sat with his family and watched everyone else open presents, I had nothing. I think I came to the old board to vent I was so upset. We had a come to Jesus meeting after that which is when I really realized he doesn't get it. He thinks I just "want stuff".
Making this harder is is the fact that I do all the other holiday shopping, including gifts for both his parents who have December birthdays. I don't mind doing this, I really don't. I know he hates to shop plus he's working part time at Target in addition to his 9-5 job. (a fact he throws in when things get contentious between us). He texts me today saying his plans for my gift have fallen through. I say do you have a backup plan? He gets royally pissed at me and we hang up angry at each other. It really makes me want to be uncharitable and throw back at him how much work I do this time of year.
Thinking about it, it comes down to we're not on the same page. He feels I don't trust him to come through with something (which I don't) and I feel he doesn't' get that the ACT of getting me something makes me feel loved. It doesn't matter if that something is the 1.00 energy drink in the flavor I like or the $100 earbuds I'm saving for. It's putting in the effort to do something. On the one hand, I'm an adult and fully realize that the fact that we're warm in our home that we co-own with the bank is more than others have. But come on, we do have resources, they're limited but they are there.
I just needed to get that out. We'll talk when we both get home from work, and I'll reiterate again that it's not the grand gesture but I have doubts that I'll get through. gifting is just not his love language.
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smginaz Suzy
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Jun 26, 2014 17:27:30 GMT
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Post by smginaz Suzy on Dec 17, 2018 21:22:31 GMT
and it's driving me nuts. This is a conversation/fight we have every year. He's not a gifter. He's just not. He's a great guy but he can't choose a gift to save his life. To him, it has to be a grand gesture or nothing. We've don't have the funds to make the grand gesture very often. as a result he tends to just shut down. Things came to a head in 2012, which was also the single worst year of my adult life. He didn't get me anything for Christmas that year. I literally sat with his family and watched everyone else open presents, I had nothing. I think I came to the old board to vent I was so upset. We had a come to Jesus meeting after that which is when I really realized he doesn't get it. He thinks I just "want stuff". Making this harder is is the fact that I do all the other holiday shopping, including gifts for both his parents who have December birthdays. I don't mind doing this, I really don't. I know he hates to shop plus he's working part time at Target in addition to his 9-5 job. (a fact he throws in when things get contentious between us). He texts me today saying his plans for my gift have fallen through. I say do you have a backup plan? He gets royally pissed at me and we hang up angry at each other. It really makes me want to be uncharitable and throw back at him how much work I do this time of year. Thinking about it, it comes down to we're not on the same page. He feels I don't trust him to come through with something (which I don't) and I feel he doesn't' get that the ACT of getting me something makes me feel loved. It doesn't matter if that something is the 1.00 energy drink in the flavor I like or the $100 earbuds I'm saving for. It's putting in the effort to do something. On the one hand, I'm an adult and fully realize that the fact that we're warm in our home that we co-own with the bank is more than others have. But come on, we do have resources, they're limited but they are there. I just needed to get that out. We'll talk when we both get home from work, and I'll reiterate again that it's not the grand gesture but I have doubts that I'll get through. gifting is just not his love language. Gift him The 5 Love Languages |
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Post by Merge on Dec 17, 2018 21:25:07 GMT
I validate you! My DH is great in many ways, but he's terrible at gifts. After 22 years, I buy my own gifts, wrap them and put them under the tree. It's better than being disappointed every Christmas morning.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Dec 17, 2018 21:28:14 GMT
From an early age I taught my DS a gift was important even if ONLY a simple chocolate bar. I just came across some of the handwritten notes he left for me with a chocolate bar when he had no funds he was young then. It was lessons well learned according to his wife!
Put your DH n charge of the gifts for his family.... See how that goes! Or wrap something up that you truly want when you open gifts with his family! NO gift is not acceptable!
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CeeScraps
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Post by CeeScraps on Dec 17, 2018 21:29:15 GMT
My husband doesn't do gifts either, but I don't have to sit to watch others open gifts. That's putting salt in an open wound. I'm sorry this is happening. I have no solution to this. You've tried to tell him.
I do purchase what I would like. I also purchase things for him and my daughter. He used to wrap our daughter's gifts. That hasn't happened in awhile. So, I have to wrap.
It makes me sad. I used to decorate our house like no one has seen. I loved it. Now, well, we don't even have a tree up yet, although tonight we may put it up. I have garlands, lights, elves, snowmen, etc. None of it has been out for years. Oh, he will get the boxes out for me, but that's it. I miss the days when we'd have Asti and tuna melts and decorate. Oh well......I've accepted it. My dh is wonderful in every other way. This gift giving and decorating he'd rather do without.
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Post by myshelly on Dec 17, 2018 21:29:15 GMT
I don’t understand gifts as a love language.
I just don’t think it’s acceptable for adults to expect presents to show love. I think people who claim gifts are their love language just sound like spoiled rotten children 🤷🏻♀️
Buy yourself whatever you want, wrap it up, and open it on Christmas. You get what you want and DH isnt grumpy anymore because you’ve relieved the unnecessary stress from your relationship.
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Deleted
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Jun 26, 2024 11:18:24 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2018 21:35:16 GMT
You know he's terrible at gifting so why do you keep insisting on it? I see it as you only setting yourself up for disappointment. Let him off the hook, buy something for yourself and enjoy it. My husband gets gift giving wrong often and I'm not great at it either, we've decided this year just to buy something for the house and call it good. I'm kind of hoping this is our new tradition.
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Post by elaine on Dec 17, 2018 21:36:37 GMT
I buy most of my holiday presents and I wrap everybody’s gifts.
Dh did buy me a new iPad for Chanukah-my main gift this year - because i’m Laid up after surgery and he knew I’d appreciate it (I do).
Everything else I’m unwrapping on Christmas morning I bought for myself and wrapped - some clothes and a pair of wireless earbuds. I’m fine with it because I get what I want and don’t have to face horrific return lines.
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Post by lucyg on Dec 17, 2018 21:37:15 GMT
I don’t understand gifts as a love language. I just don’t think it’s acceptable for adults to expect presents to show love. I think people who claim gifts are their love language just sound like spoiled rotten children 🤷🏻♀️ Buy yourself whatever you want, wrap it up, and open it on Christmas. You get what you want and DH isnt grumpy anymore because you’ve relieved the unnecessary stress from your relationship. While I might have worded it more gently  I agree with the sentiment here. You need to come to terms with the fact that he’s never going to be a good gifter, and then you can start feeling better about the whole thing. I’m sure he has other worthwhile characteristics, right? Love him for what he is instead of resenting him for what he’s not. For the family Christmas, I would buy myself something I wanted, wrap it up all pretty with a tag “from hubby” and put it under the tree. Open it, thank him, and be happy. |
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Post by annabella on Dec 17, 2018 21:37:53 GMT
Create a pinterest board of things he can buy you so there is no guess work.
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Post by papersilly on Dec 17, 2018 21:39:55 GMT
we are the opposite. DH is the best gift giver in the world and i am the worst. i think i am a man like that. LOL. guess when i'm shopping for his gifts? 2 days before Christmas because i have no idea what to get him. the problem is, we have everything we want or need. we really do. we tell each other not to get anything for the other (and for a moment i think i'm in the clear) but i know on Christmas morning he will come through with some cool things. i kind of feel for your DH.
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Post by ~summer~ on Dec 17, 2018 21:39:57 GMT
I don't think it would be worth it to insist on a gift. I think you just need to accept that he isn't someone who gives gifts, you can't force it I don't think. And even if you could force it, would it really be meaningful? Obviously this is an area where you two are not going to agree.
I think his working a part time job at Target during the holiday season is a HUGE gift for your family. Go buy yourself something, wrap it and put it under the tree.
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Post by elaine on Dec 17, 2018 21:40:49 GMT
Create a pinterest board of things he can buy you so there is no guess work. Or an Amazon wishlist. All he has to do is click a link and he can purchase it. But, I’m guessing that there would be pushback over being told what he could/should buy. Like lucyg, I would skip all that hassle and buy what the OP wants herself. |
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smartypants71
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Post by smartypants71 on Dec 17, 2018 21:42:47 GMT
This is a big reason why I really dislike Christmas. Fortunately, my family has agreed to not exchange gifts this year, so I only have to buy for my SO and DS. I work full time, I'm not good at gift giving, I hate shopping. There's just so much pressure. Fortunately, SO and DS tell me exactly what they want.
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Post by Skellinton on Dec 17, 2018 21:46:13 GMT
My husband is not good at gift giving either, after all this time I just send him links to things I want or pictures from the store. Just to be sure, my cats usually pick out a few small items for me as well, usually a coat or something I can wear that I find on sale. The cats are excellent shoppers, they always get my size right and they love a good bargain (since the cats are unemployed and all, they have to be careful how they spend their allowance).
I draw the line at wrapping my own presents though. Husband can handle that aspect. I don’t care if he understands how I feel, the fact is a relationship means sometimes you do things you don’t understand because it doesn’t hurt you and makes your partner happy. Like how I cook food I won’t /can’t eat because my husband appreciates it and it something I can do for him that he doesn’t enjoy doing. Why anyone would want to eat pineapple upside down cake is beyond me, but he likes it, so I will make him one a few times a year.
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pilcas
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Post by pilcas on Dec 17, 2018 21:50:40 GMT
I hear you. My husband is exactly the same way and it took a long time for us to find a solution we both are comfortable with. I also do all the shopping for the kids and my parents so when they were little I did have the same experience of being the only one with no gift to open and it was sad. Now he gives me cash sometime in Dec3mber and I buy myself a gift and wrap it up and I always love my gift. In all other ways he is a great guy.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 17, 2018 21:50:56 GMT
I'm going to validate you. I literally do everything to make a magical Christmas for my family. There is all the present shopping, the wrapping, the tree decorating, the cookie baking, the food I prepare, the clean up of the house for the hosting duties, and *my* list just goes on and on. I do all of that for our families, him, and my children. And while I will agree that gifts as a love language is dumb and I can definitely live without a lot of material things, I *expect* that my DH give me a gift for Christmas. And yes, I *expect* it's something that I will actually use or want. I don't care if it's just some of my favorite chocolates and a bottle of my favorite wine. And I'm sorry, but in less than a year with someone, you should be able to tell what their favorite treat or beverage is. It's pure laziness not to be able to produce a gift that is appreciated. Can a spouse go rogue every once in while? Sure. Just like anyone else, they can buy a poor gift. But to live with someone, day in and day out, and not even know them well enough to be able to pick out one single thing that they will like? I'm not buying it.
And yes, I've had that experience with my first husband. I bought all my own gifts, wrapped them, and put them under the tree. And it was all a damn show so my kids didn't see that their dad was the most selfish person and couldn't even be bothered to do a damn thing to make my Christmas special. After everything I did to make sure my family had a special Christmas.
Luckily, my now DH does buy me a gift. Have they all been great? Nope. But they've all had time, effort, thought, and care in them.
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Post by hop2 on Dec 17, 2018 21:52:25 GMT
Ok. From the flip side.
My Ex was an excellent gifter where I was concerned. Really. I got wonderful gifts. But. If that’s all it is -something in a box or a bag - it’s kind of meaningless.
When we were young and newly married I thought the good gifter thing was great. People told me all the time how lucky I was. Etc. But as our marriage fell apart it was just hollow. I’d have rather had him actually care about & respect me ( and maybe not cheat ) than get some fantastic gifts.
I understand your frustration, I do, but in hindsight the fantastic gifts were all meaningless and not a sign of wether he cared about me or not. In fact some of my best gifts were during our worst tines. Guilt maybe? I’ll never know.
Think about it before you talk to him. Be kind.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Dec 17, 2018 21:54:59 GMT
My husband is a much better gift giver than me. He hasn't forgotten that I bought him the exact same saw for 3 years in a row, forgetting each time that I had already bought him the saw. Now he drops very unsubtle hints. I echo elaine above about an Amazon wishlist or go with buy and wrap yourself. |
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Post by Saff on Dec 17, 2018 22:03:03 GMT
Go and get yourself something that you love. ( This is what I do ). If you start to feel resentment take a few minutes to think about all the other things he does for you throughout the year. He has to have other great qualities so rather focus on those.
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Post by Delta Dawn on Dec 17, 2018 22:06:48 GMT
My family gives gifts. We all give gifts big and small. My husband got me nothing for a holiday but two months later he bought me a Japanese English dictionary. That wasn’t a good gift. I feel your pain.
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basketdiva
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Post by basketdiva on Dec 17, 2018 22:06:53 GMT
My husband is a much better gift giver than me. He hasn't forgotten that I bought him the exact same saw for 3 years in a row, forgetting each time that I had already bought him the saw. Now he drops very unsubtle hints. I echo elaine above about an Amazon wishlist or go with buy and wrap yourself. I find it sad that you actually bought the same gift 3 times. |
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bethany102399
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Post by bethany102399 on Dec 17, 2018 22:07:28 GMT
But, I’m guessing that there would be pushback over being told what he could/should buy. Yes, I'm not allowed to do that. The times I've tried I've been ignored or we go back to the "I just want stuff" line. He'd also be pissed if I shopped for myself, which (to him) says you don't trust me to do it on my own. I just don’t think it’s acceptable for adults to expect presents to show love. I think people who claim gifts are their love language just sound like spoiled rotten children 🤷🏻♀️ GIVING gifts is my love language. finding something that I know someone wants and being able to get it for them says I pay attention, and have found something I know they'll like/want. I bought my BFF some caramel chocolates from Aldi as I know she loves caramel and we exchange small gifts with each other this time of year. Does this make her spoiled? If she gives me starbucks because she knows it's a rare treat for me, does this mean I'm spoiled because I appreciate the fact that she took 2 seconds to think through something I might like? |
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J u l e e
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Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Dec 17, 2018 22:09:58 GMT
I don’t understand gifts as a love language. I just don’t think it’s acceptable for adults to expect presents to show love. I think people who claim gifts are their love language just sound like spoiled rotten children 🤷🏻♀️ Buy yourself whatever you want, wrap it up, and open it on Christmas. You get what you want and DH isnt grumpy anymore because you’ve relieved the unnecessary stress from your relationship. I'm totally with you in that gifts are not my love language - in a way I show love or receive it. I don't get it AT ALL! But that doesn't make it any less valid of a love language for someone else. And I wouldn't say someone who felt loved by hearing words of affirmation just seem like narcissists who need praised for everything they do, or if you feel loved by spending time with someone that it seems you're just a selfish time suck to people who have other things to do if they can't fit you in. Or that I don't think it's acceptable for adults to expect physical affection to show love. I mean, come on. We're all different people. We may not feel the same way but it's not too hard to understand that we are all made differently from each other and show and receive love in different ways. |
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Post by dewryce on Dec 17, 2018 22:10:31 GMT
I have to admit I don’t understand just brushing off someone’s outright refusal to buy their SO (or anyone really) a gift. So they’re not good at it. So they don’t like it. Who cares? It’s important to you. IMO, that should be enough for some effort on their part. These days they don’t even have to leave the house. I often wonder how these same people would feel if no one made the effort for them on their birthday or Christmas or Father’s Day. Now repeat year after year. Would they get it then? Some wouldn’t, but I bet most would.
I get that just buying something on your own from him and getting over it is the easiest most simple solution. But you shouldn’t have to. In my opinion, you are not out of line expecting that your husband will hear you when you tell him it’s important to you and put a little time and energy into it.
You know, if single I would have zero interest in triathlons. I’d be impressed with the dedication involved, but that’s it. But...they are DH’s thing. I know a lot about triathlons now. Not because he forced me, but because they are important to him so I made them important to me. I spend a LOT of time, energy and money on triathlons. Happily. For him. To me, it’s the same concept. Important to him automatically equals important to me.
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Post by myshelly on Dec 17, 2018 22:11:51 GMT
But, I’m guessing that there would be pushback over being told what he could/should buy. Yes, I'm not allowed to do that. The times I've tried I've been ignored or we go back to the "I just want stuff" line. He'd also be pissed if I shopped for myself, which (to him) says you don't trust me to do it on my own. I just don’t think it’s acceptable for adults to expect presents to show love. I think people who claim gifts are their love language just sound like spoiled rotten children 🤷🏻♀️ GIVING gifts is my love language. finding something that I know someone wants and being able to get it for them says I pay attention, and have found something I know they'll like/want. I bought my BFF some caramel chocolates from Aldi as I know she loves caramel and we exchange small gifts with each other this time of year. Does this make her spoiled? If she gives me starbucks because she knows it's a rare treat for me, does this mean I'm spoiled because I appreciate the fact that she took 2 seconds to think through something I might like? You can frame it however you want, but I think showing love through purchases sounds childish and spoiled, yes. Makes me think of prostitution, personally. My friends don’t need to think about me in terms of gift cards for me to know they care. |
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Post by dewryce on Dec 17, 2018 22:14:31 GMT
@myshelley, prostitution...really? Come on. You don’t have to agree with her or even understand...but prostitution? Please do better and be kinder.
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bethany102399
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,559
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Post by bethany102399 on Dec 17, 2018 22:15:32 GMT
Walking away from that one. Clearly you have no interest in being kinder or better.
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Post by workingclassdog on Dec 17, 2018 22:15:50 GMT
After 20+ years of marriage I get you... One year my gift was a mailbox.. a MAILBOX....
One year I asked for a curio cabinet.. There was a HUGE gift by the tree.. like the size of a curio cabinet... I was SO excited.. I finally got through to him.. I open the box and it was a piece of exercise equipment.
Now I buy what I want, sometimes wrap it up sometimes not.. I except nothing. I don't even pretend to think he 'might' get me something. After years of tears of feeling unloved, I just live with it and secretly wish one day he would get it.. he doesn't.
Now thank God for my 22 year old DD.. she gets it and she goes out of her way to make my Christmas special. My DS who I tried my best at is just like his father. My 10 year old DD is going to be like her sister.. she already is worried about her gifts to everyone.. silly girl.
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Post by myshelly on Dec 17, 2018 22:16:53 GMT
@myshelley, prostitution...really? Come on. You don’t have to agree with her or even understand...but prostitution? Please do better and be kinder. If you need gifts to feel loved, I’m going to stand by my statement. Grow up. Move on. Shop for yourself. |
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I agree with the sentiment here. You need to come to terms with the fact that he’s never going to be a good gifter, and then you can start feeling better about the whole thing. I’m sure he has other worthwhile characteristics, right? Love him for what he is instead of resenting him for what he’s not.
