|
Post by crazy4scraps on Dec 18, 2018 5:02:28 GMT
I don’t understand gifts as a love language. I just don’t think it’s acceptable for adults to expect presents to show love. I think people who claim gifts are their love language just sound like spoiled rotten children 🤷🏻♀️ Buy yourself whatever you want, wrap it up, and open it on Christmas. You get what you want and DH isnt grumpy anymore because you’ve relieved the unnecessary stress from your relationship. The gift doesn't need to be expensive. They arent spoiled adults... They are adults who feel loved through the act that their partner took time to think of a special, unique gift. They are thinking of their love. I LOVE it when dh will pick me up say a coffee when out and about. It means he was thinking of me. Im not spoiled. I dont expect a gift but feel even morenloved when dh takes the time to really find a one of a kind, unique gift or even something I have been talking about. Shows he is listening, cares, etc. This exactly. Last year for example, when my brother called me sometime in October or November saying he needed to sell our dad’s ring because he needed the money to pay bills, I mentioned it to DH exactly ONCE and then let it go. I knew we could come up with the money my brother needed to get for the ring (and he wasn’t being unreasonable at all either) but it was a lot more than either of us would typically spend on a gift for the other which was why I didn’t push it. DH got the money to my brother on the down low and never breathed a word about it to me. I couldn’t believe my brother didn’t crack and spill the beans accidentally any of the times we talked in between. I was truly stunned into speechlessness when he gave it to me because my DH isn’t known as a detail person who normally pays attention to things like that. It wasn’t the value of the thing at all, it was the fact that he really listened to me and knew what it would mean to me to have it.
|
|
used2scrap
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,079
Jan 29, 2016 3:02:55 GMT
|
Post by used2scrap on Dec 18, 2018 5:06:30 GMT
Yes, I'm not allowed to do that. The times I've tried I've been ignored or we go back to the "I just want stuff" line. He'd also be pissed if I shopped for myself, which (to him) says you don't trust me to do it on my own. GIVING gifts is my love language. finding something that I know someone wants and being able to get it for them says I pay attention, and have found something I know they'll like/want. I bought my BFF some caramel chocolates from Aldi as I know she loves caramel and we exchange small gifts with each other this time of year. Does this make her spoiled? If she gives me starbucks because she knows it's a rare treat for me, does this mean I'm spoiled because I appreciate the fact that she took 2 seconds to think through something I might like? You can frame it however you want, but I think showing love through purchases sounds childish and spoiled, yes. Makes me think of prostitution, personally. My friends don’t need to think about me in terms of gift cards for me to know they care. By the same token love language of physical affection is prostitution then right?
|
|
|
Post by mom26 on Dec 18, 2018 6:42:42 GMT
papersilly said: the problem is, we have everything we want or need. I can understand your frustrations with gifting. In our family, we have the least amount of money. In addition, we have five kids. We don't have the ability to buy what we want, when we want. I want that KitchenAid mixer now, but reality is that I can't just go and buy it. Christmas is a time when we try to indulge our caviar dreams because we mostly live on a fish stick budget. The rest of our family pretty much can buy what they want, when they want so we do have to try to be creative in our gifting. It is harder to buy for someone who has the ability to make all their wants come true. I can so identify with you, jeremysgirl . We have 6 kids and 7 grandkids. We get by just fine, but Christmas puts a hurt on us, to be honest. Like you, the rest of the family buys what they want when they want so trying to figure out what to gift them is HARD. Especially my FIL. He's loaded, and his girlfriend (whom we've never even met) is even more loaded. They're going to Tahiti for Christmas. Seriously, what can you gift someone who is Tahiti-bound?! They neither want or need for anything, and we know jack-crap about the girlfriend. Ugh. Makes my brain hurt.
|
|
cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,387
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
|
Post by cycworker on Dec 18, 2018 9:39:09 GMT
I'll validate you, op. It used to be a bit of tension with my mom and me, too. Gifts aren't her love language so she wouldn't care what we got her. It is one of mine, and the issue for me isn't that you spend lots, it's about the gifts being uniquely me. The year with a lot of underwear, and a stocking full of candy I'd already gently noted I don't like led to a really good convo about this topic. My mom is happy to get a gift card from me. What make it special is me rememvknf things like she prefers the coffee at McDonalds to Tim Hortons, and things like which restaurants are her favorites to go with friends.
This year, we're getting her a theatre gc. There's an ABBA tribute band coming in July but we need to buy pre Jan 6 for the early bird deal. She wants to go with a friend, so a gc will make it easier to get 2 seats together.
Mom wasn't sure what to get me this year as I got behind re creating a wish list. So, I'll be getting a mix from my parents. Some things will be items I bought myself, some will hopefully be things from a list I did finally create. Plus my cousin (the one with the DD I sometimes refer to as my niece) knows me well enough that she was able to,tell mom some things I have my eye on.
The things I got myself, mom will wrap. What makes it special, to me, is that she won't say anything snarky about me getting some crafty things.
Plus, my parents will also give me $, which will be likely more than I've spent on myself. And which, in theory, I'll put towards my next vacation. I say in theory becausewhen it's time to book my hotel and transportation, mom will end up saying, 'No - I'll pay for your hotel; you hold onto that other $ in case you need it.' Even though I already have an RDSP (the Canafian equivalent of what I think folks in the USA call a 401K, but you don't have to be working to have one) and provincial disability. So really, I can afford to use some of the ones in my savings/vacation account.
|
|
M in Carolina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,128
Jun 29, 2014 12:11:41 GMT
|
Post by M in Carolina on Dec 18, 2018 10:02:36 GMT
Op—i just re-read your first post. is your husband upset right now because he did have a good idea for a gift that fell through, and he is therefore frustrated that he has to come up with a new idea? Or is it that you think he didn’t really have an idea at all and is using it “falling through” as an excuse? He's upset for 2 reasons, and this is coming from having read your responses and pondering on this. He's upset because yes, he did have a good idea for a gift and it fell through and he's upset because of my saying do you have a backup plan? The more I ponder this the more I feel like I need to address the you don't trust me to give a gift thing. That's on me. But I do think we need to have a larger conversation around you seem to be struggling with this. Can I do anything to help? It’s a great sign that you can see this from his side and admit your part in it. These conflicts in marriage really suck. Your Dh sounds really overwhelmed right now. And exhausted. I think acknowledging how exhausted he is and his frustration about having a plan that fell through would help both of you right now. This thread helped me by reminding me to thank Rob for taking our car in for a pre Christmas trip inspection, new tires, etc. I know he’s not feeling well, and he still went to all this trouble today. He was really happy that I acknowledged what he did. So thanks peas!
|
|
|
Post by mollycoddle on Dec 18, 2018 10:17:40 GMT
Lots of men have trouble with gift giving. You have 3 options: Continue to stew about it Tell him what you want- and I mean show him the item in the catalog or send him the link to it Buy what you want and call it good I am not unsympathetic, but is this a hill that you want to die on? If He’s got a gift-giving quirk. If he’s great in other ways, you are a lucky woman. Let us know what happens.
|
|
|
Post by hop2 on Dec 18, 2018 12:07:16 GMT
I always get gifts...but he's really just not good about picking them out and I generally feel like he just doesn't put a lot of thought into them. Every once in awhile he surprises me, but I have just come to accept that he is just not a great gift giver. Seriously, one year I got a cemetary urn. I don't care about big pricey items--just would be really pleased if he remembered something I mentioned or something that was well thought out. I don't want to buy my own gifts. I can do that any time. In the realm of Love Languages, his way of showing love is act of services, so he'll do anything for me, anytime without complaint. I feel really lucky that he is so amazing in so many other ways that I try my best to let the gift giving thing go. did he think it was a vase? Or was he preparing for the future? If it was the latter did he get himself a matching one?
|
|
rickmer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,137
Jul 1, 2014 20:20:18 GMT
|
Post by rickmer on Dec 18, 2018 12:36:35 GMT
Haven’t read all the responses but I too bought everything for our family, including his side, my own gift usually and fill my own stocking.
I didn’t resent it at all, okay, sometimes his family because hard to buy for and zero input from him.
I thinkthink where you might have been a bit unfair is with your “you didn’t have a backup” comment. Sounds like it is hard enough for him to come up with gift, never mind a bAckup gift too.
either send him links to a couple things you would like before Christmas or buy your own gift. I love my kids more than anything on the planet and would struggle to get them gifts they would love if they didn’t ask for stuff for Christmas... it’s not really fair to expect a gift-challenged person to figure it out on their own.
|
|
craftymom101
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,769
Jul 31, 2014 5:23:25 GMT
|
Post by craftymom101 on Dec 18, 2018 13:57:53 GMT
My dad was not the best gift giver to my mom when I was little. For several years he woke me up on Christmas Eve morning in a panic because he hadn't shopped for my mom and the two of us would spend the day in crowded malls shopping for her. It wad stressful for everyone.
Now that my sister and I are older, we help him make his list and give him ideas so he is more successful. Is there someone he trusts that can help him shop for you? The past 10 years have been really great because my dad starts shopping early and usually finds 3-4 nice things for my mom. He's less stressed and she is usually extremely happy with her gifts. Mom is a great gift giver and now that gifts are more equitable (in thoughtfulness) everyone is happy.
I'm sorry your DH doesn't understand how you feel. When your feelings aren't validated the situation feels 10x worse.
|
|
|
Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Dec 18, 2018 14:06:26 GMT
My dad was not the best gift giver to my mom when I was little. For several years he woke me up on Christmas Eve morning in a panic because he hadn't shopped for my mom and the two of us would spend the day in crowded malls shopping for her. It wad stressful for everyone. This reminds me of a funny story. My daddy was so glad when I was finally old enough to 'help' him shop for mama. Left to his own devices, he pretty much just bought whatever perfume the salesgirl talked him into each year. But the story was repeatedly told of one of the first Valentine's they celebrated after marrying. He forgot until the last minute, rushed out and grabbed a huge box of candy and the fanciest card he could find, and thought he had it covered. Until she opened said card... and it read, "Happy Valentine's Day to My Dear Sister." Lol. They were married just shy of 25 years when he died, so mama definitely got over it. She sure did like to give him a hard time about it though.
|
|
|
Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 18, 2018 14:09:58 GMT
My dad was not the best gift giver to my mom when I was little. For several years he woke me up on Christmas Eve morning in a panic because he hadn't shopped for my mom and the two of us would spend the day in crowded malls shopping for her. It wad stressful for everyone. This reminds me of a funny story. My daddy was so glad when I was finally old enough to 'help' him shop for mama. Left to his own devices, he pretty much just bought whatever perfume the salesgirl talked him into each year. But the story was repeatedly told of one of the first Valentine's they celebrated after marrying. He forgot until the last minute, rushed out and grabbed a huge box of candy and the fanciest card he could find, and thought he had it covered. Until she opened said card... and it read, "Happy Valentine's Day to My Dear Sister." Lol. They were married just shy of 25 years when he died, so mama definitely got over it. She sure did like to give him a hard time about it though. My DH bought me an anniversary card one year that was addressed to the "Happy Couple". I was like, this is weird. And then he said, I know it says to the happy couple, but I thought it described us perfectly. And then I knew, he read the card and he didn't just grab any old thing. He thought the sentiments sounded like us, the Happy Couple....lol...
|
|
|
Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Dec 18, 2018 14:14:38 GMT
My DH bought me an anniversary card one year that was addressed to the "Happy Couple". I was like, this is weird. And then he said, I know it says to the happy couple, but I thought it described us perfectly. And then I knew, he read the card and he didn't just grab any old thing. He thought the sentiments sounded like us, the Happy Couple....lol... That's actually really sweet - I'd give him bonus points for the rationale and the creativity.
|
|
|
Post by miominmio on Dec 18, 2018 14:21:41 GMT
My DH is horrible when it comes to gifts, one year I got a trash can for my birthday. (Had it been a Vipp, I would have been happy, but it was a cheap one "because a trash can is a trash can....."). I buy my own gifts now, there is no way in Helheimen I'm going to sit and watch everybody else opening their gifts.
|
|
marimoose
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,282
Jul 22, 2014 2:10:14 GMT
|
Post by marimoose on Dec 18, 2018 14:40:15 GMT
Luckily, my now DH does buy me a gift. Have they all been great? Nope. But they've all had time, effort, thought, and care in them. Loved your entire post as I could feel it myself. It is your last line that resonates. It isn't the gift but the time, effort, thought and care. I keep stressing to my family that it isn't the gift but the effort. Isn't someone you love worth the effort. No one should ever feel like an after thought. I have spent years feeling this way. My husband will never learn but I do see my kids entering adulthood and realizing the importance of the gesture of making someone feel important. AND I too have received a chocolate bar from my son and it makes me laugh and smile. Sometimes he brings me home a bag of Chipotle chips because he knows I love them. It isn't the cost but the gesture. As for the original poster, I am sorry that you are hurt. It is easy to say accept it as this is the pattern of your husband but I will say that though I know this is my husband's pattern too, it never gets easier. It is hard when you both have different expectations.
|
|
bethany102399
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,619
Oct 11, 2014 3:17:29 GMT
|
Post by bethany102399 on Dec 18, 2018 14:55:41 GMT
What make it special is me rememvknf things like she prefers the coffee at McDonalds to Tim Hortons, and things like which restaurants are her favorites to go with friends. Ok, I was with you up to this point. There is no better coffee than Tim Hortons. My daddy was so glad when I was finally old enough to 'help' him shop for mama. My dad, who did love to give and shop, apparently gave my mom a pink sweater with sequins one year. My mother does NOT wear pink or sequins. I think she was more relieved than he was when I got old enough to help him shop. One year she wanted a sweater with a Christmas tree on it. I shopped with dad to go get it. He literally stood there going this one? Really? Yes, dad that one. He died 10 years ago this last September and she still wears the sweater. We both have a lovely memory of him tied to it. He loved this time of year, and it gets hard on both of us so it's wonderful to have a nice memory tied to something that comes out every year.
|
|
bethany102399
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,619
Oct 11, 2014 3:17:29 GMT
|
Post by bethany102399 on Dec 18, 2018 14:57:49 GMT
I keep stressing to my family that it isn't the gift but the effort. I've tried to impress this on my kids as they have gotten old enough to choose a gift for friends.
|
|
|
Post by unknown pea on Dec 18, 2018 15:11:58 GMT
Yes, I'm not allowed to do that. The times I've tried I've been ignored or we go back to the "I just want stuff" line. He'd also be pissed if I shopped for myself, which (to him) says you don't trust me to do it on my own. GIVING gifts is my love language. finding something that I know someone wants and being able to get it for them says I pay attention, and have found something I know they'll like/want. I bought my BFF some caramel chocolates from Aldi as I know she loves caramel and we exchange small gifts with each other this time of year. Does this make her spoiled? If she gives me starbucks because she knows it's a rare treat for me, does this mean I'm spoiled because I appreciate the fact that she took 2 seconds to think through something I might like? You can frame it however you want, but I think showing love through purchases sounds childish and spoiled, yes. Makes me think of prostitution, personally. My friends don’t need to think about me in terms of gift cards for me to know they care. I normally enjoy your rather frank, to the point posts. Occasionally, I roll my eyes and move on. This time however? I have no idea how you can equate prostitution with giving gifts. This doesn't even make any sense. Prostitution does not typically involve love, or gifts, or good thoughts. OP - I get it. I have someone in my life who doesn't do gifts either. It makes me sad. But, it's just how he is and I can accept it or stew over it. I'll validate you though ((hugs))
|
|
|
Post by crazy4scraps on Dec 18, 2018 15:24:34 GMT
My dad was not the best gift giver to my mom when I was little. For several years he woke me up on Christmas Eve morning in a panic because he hadn't shopped for my mom and the two of us would spend the day in crowded malls shopping for her. It wad stressful for everyone. This reminds me of a funny story. My daddy was so glad when I was finally old enough to 'help' him shop for mama. Left to his own devices, he pretty much just bought whatever perfume the salesgirl talked him into each year. But the story was repeatedly told of one of the first Valentine's they celebrated after marrying. He forgot until the last minute, rushed out and grabbed a huge box of candy and the fanciest card he could find, and thought he had it covered. Until she opened said card... and it read, "Happy Valentine's Day to My Dear Sister." Lol. They were married just shy of 25 years when he died, so mama definitely got over it. She sure did like to give him a hard time about it though. LOL. I love having a kid for that very reason. I will take her shopping with me sometimes and we will look at stuff together. She points out the stuff she likes (which I go back later and buy) and I point out the stuff I like and say, “Now when Papa doesn’t have a CLUE what to get me, just tell him I want this!” It can’t be anything too complicated with sizes or certain colors because that will get lost in the translation. It has to be something easy that she will remember. What’s funny is that about half the time he ends up buying the stuff I told her I wanted, so I know this strategy works! The key though is making sure that they have some time together alone to take care of it without my knowing, so on weekends or some night when they are both home, I take off and go do something by myself for a few hours knowing that DD will say something to him then. Sometimes I will pick something crazy that I know he will just cringe at buying, such as little collectible figurine toys I like for my office, just to see if he’ll actually do it (and sometimes he does, LOL). And when he does buy that goofy stuff, I just gush over it, saying he got it exactly right and how much I love the thing!
|
|
bethany102399
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,619
Oct 11, 2014 3:17:29 GMT
|
Post by bethany102399 on Dec 18, 2018 15:28:40 GMT
What’s funny is that about half the time he ends up buying the stuff I told her I wanted I employed this strategy a couple of years ago to get a tile for my keychain. Every freaking morning as I was digging for my keys to get the kids to school I'd say what does mom want for Christmas? and they'd chorus a tile! Low and behold a tile appeared under the Christmas tree and I turned around and used it every morning while digging for my keys. I was so sad when the battery died.
|
|
|
Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 18, 2018 15:35:14 GMT
That is brilliant crazy4scraps. What a great way to help solve this problem.
|
|
|
Post by hop2 on Dec 18, 2018 15:37:12 GMT
What’s funny is that about half the time he ends up buying the stuff I told her I wanted I employed this strategy a couple of years ago to get a tile for my keychain. Every freaking morning as I was digging for my keys to get the kids to school I'd say what does mom want for Christmas? and they'd chorus a tile! Low and behold a tile appeared under the Christmas tree and I turned around and used it every morning while digging for my keys. I was so sad when the battery died. they now can have replaceable batteries! And for some odd reason my son’s tile thin wallet is still going strong 2 years in. No idea why. This year when I retile with the new ones fircreplaceable batteries I don’t have to send mine back so I’m going to give them to DS to play with & dissect - I mean tile told me to recycle them so I will- my way. Lol
|
|
|
Post by crazy4scraps on Dec 18, 2018 15:40:30 GMT
That is brilliant crazy4scraps . What a great way to help solve this problem. It even works with kids as young as 4-5-6! Now that my kid is a little older, it’s even easier because she has a better memory now!
|
|
|
Post by giatocj on Dec 18, 2018 15:48:58 GMT
My husband is kind, loving, generous and wonderful in so many ways and I love him to death...HOWEVER...he totally and thoroughly sucks at gift giving. On a very large scale . I am 1000% OK with this, because as a "flaw" (which it really isn't), it is not even a blip on my radar. We're not big fans of Christmas and don't exchange gifts (at Christmas or on birthdays), by mutual agreement. We buy what we want all year long and asking him to stress about figuring out something to get me 2 days a year just seems a bit selfish because I know it's hard for him. I KNOW it's "the thought that counts", but he does so many other great things for not only me, but my family as well, that my gift to him is a pass on the one thing that I know he really, really dislikes. Everyone's different, so of course this is just my take on holiday gifting.
|
|
SweetieBsMom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,739
Jun 25, 2014 19:55:12 GMT
|
Post by SweetieBsMom on Dec 18, 2018 16:00:47 GMT
My DH sucks at it. Years ago I instituted “the gift box”. It’s a shoe box that lives in the closet, when I see something I want, I either print it out or write it down and it goes in the box. On the off chance I buy something from the box, I will remove it. It takes the stress off of him and I know he’ll give me something I love.
|
|
marimoose
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,282
Jul 22, 2014 2:10:14 GMT
|
Post by marimoose on Dec 18, 2018 16:09:30 GMT
Can I also add that I think presentation is as important as the gift. I received a chain that was purchased off Amazon. That isn't the issue but it was wrapped in the little baggie that it arrived in. It looked like a crackerjack toy. It was so hurtful and made me think I was not worth it. He never even opened the bag to make sure that it was not broken or was the what he was shopping for. Receiving nothing would have been better. Taking the time to place a gift in a box, a bag with with some tissue paper, etc can make the smallest gift look like that grand gesture. Again, it is the effort.
|
|
|
Post by workingclassdog on Dec 18, 2018 16:15:12 GMT
My DH is horrible when it comes to gifts, one year I got a trash can for my birthday. (Had it been a Vipp, I would have been happy, but it was a cheap one "because a trash can is a trash can....."). I buy my own gifts now, there is no way in Helheimen I'm going to sit and watch everybody else opening their gifts. Does the trash can beat my mailbox?? LOL
|
|
|
Post by hop2 on Dec 18, 2018 16:19:58 GMT
Can I also add that I think presentation is as important as the gift. I received a chain that was purchased off Amazon. That isn't the issue but it was wrapped in the little baggie that it arrived in. It looked like a crackerjack toy. It was so hurtful and made me think I was not worth it. He never even opened the bag to make sure that it was not broken or was the what he was shopping for. Receiving nothing would have been better. Taking the time to place a gift in a box, a bag with with some tissue paper, etc can make the smallest gift look like that grand gesture. Again, it is the effort. my dad wrapped in comic newspaper But he did make sure he got what he paid for
|
|
|
Post by peano on Dec 18, 2018 16:48:46 GMT
I don’t understand gifts as a love language. I just don’t think it’s acceptable for adults to expect presents to show love. I think people who claim gifts are their love language just sound like spoiled rotten children 🤷🏻♀️ Buy yourself whatever you want, wrap it up, and open it on Christmas. You get what you want and DH isnt grumpy anymore because you’ve relieved the unnecessary stress from your relationship. I don’t understand it either but I feel compassion for those who feel this way. In a way it comes down to respect and really listening to your partner and being heard. If you’ve discussed your feelings with your spouse and they at least make an attempt to honor your wishes, that’s one thing. If they don’t even try, there’s a problem.
|
|
|
Post by scrapcat on Dec 18, 2018 17:03:13 GMT
Do you get gifts from your kids? Like does DH help them get you something? Like even a "Mom" mug or ornament or something?
I get what you are saying. I have been in similar situations and I have had to adjust my expectations and accept for what it is.
I think you realize probably saying "is there a backup" probably wasn't the best choice, but it's a stressful time of year and your letting your disappoint get the best of you. And that's ok.
Also makes me wonder what he was getting that it "fell thru"....like bcz of expense or bcz it was out of stock?! Like would you be happy with a bag of your favorite goodies or something relatively inexpensive, just as long as there was some thought?
I ask for extremely mundane things from my SO to the point where he's like "really?" I feel like in the beginning he thought I was joking and would try to buy my jewelry and stuff I didn't really want. Now I am very specific, with links and all and he actually prefers that. But generally I just buy what i want, but I realize that is not everyone's situation.
I also enjoy trying to find gifts and being specific and special, etc etc. It's about being thoughtful.
|
|
|
Post by lisacharlotte on Dec 18, 2018 18:50:43 GMT
I’m the crappy gifter to DH. However, this kinda falls into the “you cannot change other people” as well as the “other people cannot make you happy” realm for me. I don’t see it as a lack of respect unless there are other issues that support that conclusion. And if that’s the case, it’s not about the gift, that’s just one symptom.
Getting bent out of shape over bad or no gifts after many years of marriage, hasn’t changed anything. You need to change your response or decide to be disappointed every freakin year. The choice is yours. Or you could always divorce him and marry a good gift giver, but maybe the good gifter sucks at other stuff, because last I looked, nobody is perfect.
|
|