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Post by cindyupnorth on Dec 18, 2018 1:39:59 GMT
I personally do NOT care for that 5 languages book. Esp when people have relationship problems and they suggest that book. Ah, no. It will tell you what their language is, but so what? Plus many people have more then 1 language. To me it's just not a relationship fixer. Now..gifting. I am totally a gift HO!! and proud of it. I wish I was spoiled. And my gift receivers are no way spoiled. I love finding the perfect gift, spending my time and money doing that for them. Now do I get the same in return. ah, no. My dd's are getting better. My dh is not. He puts no thought or effort in to gifting. But he is like that in anything. He has never planned ANYTHIng in his life. It's always been me. To his credit, I'm a bit anal, and organized, and love doing things like that. I just wish sometimes he'd put some effort in to stuff, vs hand me some money, or the same box of chocolates every year. So I totally validate you. I've learned you have to be flexible and work with them though. I also made a amazon list. That really helps.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 18, 2018 1:40:15 GMT
papersilly said: the problem is, we have everything we want or need. I can understand your frustrations with gifting. In our family, we have the least amount of money. In addition, we have five kids. We don't have the ability to buy what we want, when we want. I want that KitchenAid mixer now, but reality is that I can't just go and buy it. Christmas is a time when we try to indulge our caviar dreams because we mostly live on a fish stick budget. The rest of our family pretty much can buy what they want, when they want so we do have to try to be creative in our gifting. It is harder to buy for someone who has the ability to make all their wants come true.
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Post by lisae on Dec 18, 2018 1:40:27 GMT
Do you enjoy getting him a gift? Does he enjoy receiving it?
If the answer to either of those is 'no,' then it is definitely time to just stop trying to do gifts to each other. We stopped about 10 years ago and it is the best holiday thing we ever did. No worrying about what the other might want or trying to hide things. No pretending you like something you don't or wondering if you can return it or if you will hurt his feelings buy asking "why on earth did you think I would want THAT?" I buy myself something with the money I would have spent on him and I'm happy. He's delighted because he does not have to go through the agony (and for some people it is true agony) of figuring out a gift. We don't do Valentine's either.
We find other ways to say we love each other. If there are other things your husband does or says that communicates his love, perhaps it is time to let go of the expectation that he will figure out how to buy the right gift or any gift. It may seem easy to you but it is really hard for some people - actually a lot of people.
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AnotherPea
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,968
Jan 4, 2015 1:47:52 GMT
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Post by AnotherPea on Dec 18, 2018 1:43:04 GMT
I don’t understand gifts as a love language. I just don’t think it’s acceptable for adults to expect presents to show love. I think people who claim gifts are their love language just sound like spoiled rotten children 🤷🏻♀️ Buy yourself whatever you want, wrap it up, and open it on Christmas. You get what you want and DH isnt grumpy anymore because you’ve relieved the unnecessary stress from your relationship. While I might have worded it more gently ![:cool:](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/6u1_Cee0Y_opNVSmaeTW.jpg) I agree with the sentiment here. You need to come to terms with the fact that he’s never going to be a good gifter, and then you can start feeling better about the whole thing. I’m sure he has other worthwhile characteristics, right? Love him for what he is instead of resenting him for what he’s not. For the family Christmas, I would buy myself something I wanted, wrap it up all pretty with a tag “from hubby” and put it under the tree. Open it, thank him, and be happy. Nope. I call BS. Since when does “he sucks at the job” equal “he gets to disappoint loved ones forever?” In what other area of life do we expect people to get a pass because they are too lazy to learn how to do something correctly? Gifts aren’t my husband’s love language either. Which means he has missed the mark many times over the years. But he cared enough to learn how to get it right more times than not. It also means that I had to learn what I need to do to make him feel most appreciated. Even if it isn’t always my cup of tea. If making me want gifts once in a while makes me a spoiled child, eh, I’ll take it. I AM spoiled. Not with the gifts, but with the other ways he treats me. Does that mean someone whose love language is words of affirmation is co-dependent? Whose language is physical touch is a sex addict? A bit of a stretch-isn’t it....
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Post by crazy4scraps on Dec 18, 2018 1:44:46 GMT
I’m another that buys most of my own gifts for Christmas and my birthday. Sometimes DH fails miserably with what he picks (wide slot toaster, I’m looking at you) and sometimes like last year he knocks it straight out of the park (gave my brother some money to get me my dad’s wedding ring that bro was planning to pawn because he desperately needed the money). He’s definitely more thoughtful about it now that we have a kid. I have pointed out that she is watching and commenting to me about the things she sees happening. She’s a very sensitive kid and she notices things (“Why didn’t Santa bring you any presents? You were really good this year too...” ![:(](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/mYSUyHtG9Jrcmm_ydVcK.jpg) Stuff like that). This year our big “gift” is a trip next March, so I knew he probably wouldn’t be buying me a bunch of stuff. But because DD’s at the age where she noticed stuff and probably won’t really believe for too much longer, I got myself and DH some things to put in and under our stockings from Santa. DH knows some of the stuff I bought for me, and he doesn’t know about other things ![;)](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/Q_m8lDOvc_3Le3r1GKdf.jpg) but in any case, I’m getting some stuff I wanted. FWIW, he ordered some stuff for himself that he wanted too that I wouldn’t have had a clue to buy, and gave it to me to wrap up from Santa. I bought him a few things to add to it. It’s all good. I know that he thinks about me at other times and he does thoughtful things for both DD and me throughout the year so it isn’t like he’s a total clueless clod who never does anything.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Dec 18, 2018 1:47:17 GMT
Gifting doesn't have to be something extravagant, or outrageous. Like someone said. My favorite chip, candy bar, arrange a date night, and plan it out. A favorite candle smell. Something that says. I KNOW you. I SEE YOU. I LOVE you.
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Post by NanaKate on Dec 18, 2018 2:01:19 GMT
I don’t understand gifts as a love language. I just don’t think it’s acceptable for adults to expect presents to show love. I think people who claim gifts are their love language just sound like spoiled rotten children 🤷🏻♀️ Buy yourself whatever you want, wrap it up, and open it on Christmas. You get what you want and DH isnt grumpy anymore because you’ve relieved the unnecessary stress from your relationship. I guess we all just have our own way of looking at things. I don’t get the idea of buying your own gifts, wrapping them and putting them under the tree to pretend in front of family in Christmas morning. I like the idea of giving him a list so that if plan A falls through he can always go to plan B and you won’t be disappointed and he doesn’t have to feel like the bad guy. Merry Christmas! I hope y’all talk this out and he surprises you after all.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Dec 18, 2018 2:09:12 GMT
The father/brother thing was megmc, not myshelly. They both are using the same Proboards stock avatar photo, so it is easy to get them confused. Myshelly is the one whose whole extended family lives within a few blocks of each other and who will cut her kids off completely if they consider moving outside the designated family zone. So, it is humorous to hear her calling other people petty and childish. I stand corrected. And I apologize for the mix-up.
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Post by papersilly on Dec 18, 2018 2:25:55 GMT
It is harder to buy for someone who has the ability to make all their wants come true. I think some people have this perception of me but it's simply not true. Do you know what I want for Christmas? (other than good health and peace for my family) Ok......... Don't laugh..... But, I want a RAKE for Christmas. You read it right----a garden rake that costs no more than$10 at home depot. DH thinks I'm kidding so he's getting me the newest iPhone. Seriously? How do you go from rake to iPhone? I would get the same thrill from the rake (especially if you found a red one). My siblings and I don't exchange gifts anymore but if I told them about the rake, they would think I was kidding too. At this point in my life, I really do love things like that.
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Post by elaine on Dec 18, 2018 2:29:50 GMT
The father/brother thing was megmc, not myshelly. They both are using the same Proboards stock avatar photo, so it is easy to get them confused. Myshelly is the one whose whole extended family lives within a few blocks of each other and who will cut her kids off completely if they consider moving outside the designated family zone. So, it is humorous to hear her calling other people petty and childish. I stand corrected. And I apologize for the mix-up. I didn’t mean for you to apologize! I have to double-check and read carefully when they both post in the same thread. I hate the stock photo avatars for that reason - they just confuse things because more than one poster chooses the same picture.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 18, 2018 2:33:39 GMT
It is harder to buy for someone who has the ability to make all their wants come true. I think some people have this perception of me but it's simply not true. Do you know what I want for Christmas? (other than good health and peace for my family) Ok......... Don't laugh..... But, I want a RAKE for Christmas. You read it right----a garden rake that costs no more than$10 at home depot. DH thinks I'm kidding so he's getting me the newest iPhone. Seriously? How do you go from rake to iPhone? I would get the same thrill from the rake (especially if you found a red one). My siblings and I don't exchange gifts anymore but if I told them about the rake, they would think I was kidding too. At this point in my life, I really do love things like that. That's kind of awesome! Some of the best gifts are the smallest things. Last year I bought my gourmet cooking mom a pampered chef mini chopper. I love mine and I thought it's not a kitchen gadgets she has. She used it to chop nuts for her Christmas cookies this year. It was the first time she took it out of the box. And she raved about how perfect it was for that use .
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smginaz Suzy
Pearl Clutcher
Je suis desole.
Posts: 2,606
Jun 26, 2014 17:27:30 GMT
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Post by smginaz Suzy on Dec 18, 2018 2:37:42 GMT
yeah, well at least my love language isn't being an asshole about other people's love languages.
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Post by smalltowngirlie on Dec 18, 2018 2:42:39 GMT
He texts me today saying his plans for my gift have fallen through. I say do you have a backup plan? He gets royally pissed at me and we hang up angry at each other. . This really stood out to me. It sounds like he thought about, had a plan, put effort into it, and when it didn’t work out instead of showing appreciation for the effort, you still focused on getting a gift. I mean you asked about a back up plan, which I read as “The gift is more important “. I understand and validate feeling like you are being ignored, but you are playing a role in this also.
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Post by dewryce on Dec 18, 2018 2:44:57 GMT
I personally do NOT care for that 5 languages book. Esp when people have relationship problems and they suggest that book. Ah, no. It will tell you what their language is, but so what? Plus many people have more then 1 language. To me it's just not a relationship fixer. Now..gifting. I am totally a gift HO!! and proud of it. I wish I was spoiled. And my gift receivers are no way spoiled. I love finding the perfect gift, spending my time and money doing that for them. Now do I get the same in return. ah, no. My dd's are getting better. My dh is not. He puts no thought or effort in to gifting. But he is like that in anything. He has never planned ANYTHIng in his life. It's always been me. To his credit, I'm a bit anal, and organized, and love doing things like that. I just wish sometimes he'd put some effort in to stuff, vs hand me some money, or the same box of chocolates every year. So I totally validate you. I've learned you have to be flexible and work with them though. I also made a amazon list. That really helps. I think it is a helpful tool for some because it gets you to really consider your SO and what makes them feel good. That’s always a good thing. And it can be an eye opener because some people don’t realize that just because something makes them feel loved, doesn’t mean their SO feels the same. So that even though the thought was there, the results are not. But I don’t think it is the be-all end-all relationship guide.
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SabrinaP
Pearl Clutcher
Busy Teacher Pea
Posts: 4,371
Location: Dallas Texas
Jun 26, 2014 12:16:22 GMT
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Post by SabrinaP on Dec 18, 2018 2:48:36 GMT
I validate you! My DH is great in many ways, but he's terrible at gifts. After 22 years, I buy my own gifts, wrap them and put them under the tree. It's better than being disappointed every Christmas morning. This is what I do. I’ve tried dropping hints, making wish lists, etc. I now just buy my own stuff and tell DH and then put it under the tree. DH used to be a good gift giver when we were dating in college. I’m not really sure what happened!
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Post by dewryce on Dec 18, 2018 2:49:01 GMT
He texts me today saying his plans for my gift have fallen through. I say do you have a backup plan? He gets royally pissed at me and we hang up angry at each other. . This really stood out to me. It sounds like he thought about, had a plan, put effort into it, and when it didn’t work out instead of showing appreciation for the effort, you still focused on getting a gift. I mean you asked about a back up plan, which I read as “The gift is more important “. I understand and validate feeling like you are being ignored, but you are playing a role in this also. That could very well be the case. But given the history, it read to me like he was just putting forward an early excuse and looking for an out while still getting credit for the attempt. Normally when plans fall through you don’t just give up...unless you didn’t care about the plans in the first place. Maybe he did put forth the effort. Or maybe the idea he had in his head sold out at the one place he was looking and he doesn’t care to put forth any more effort.
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J u l e e
Drama Llama
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Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Dec 18, 2018 2:57:24 GMT
It should be more of a "learn this about yourself and then also learn it about anyone you plan on being in a relationship with before you pass go" book.
And there are more than five love languages. These are just the most universal. None of them truly stand out to me as my love language. I can usually more easily define what is not than what is. I know 'gifts' is not.
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Post by Merge on Dec 18, 2018 2:57:58 GMT
I validate you! My DH is great in many ways, but he's terrible at gifts. After 22 years, I buy my own gifts, wrap them and put them under the tree. It's better than being disappointed every Christmas morning. This is what I do. I’ve tried dropping hints, making wish lists, etc. I now just buy my own stuff and tell DH and then put it under the tree. DH used to be a good gift giver when we were dating in college. I’m not really sure what happened! For us it's partly that we want/need very little. And it's partly that this isn't a hill I've ever been willing to die on. I do not ever like feeling that someone has put themselves out for me, so no, I'm not going to make a big deal so he'll make more of an effort with presents. Obviously this is a non-negotiable for some women here and that's fine. It's just not for me. DH meets my non-negotiable areas and this is just not one of them.
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bethany102399
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,560
Oct 11, 2014 3:17:29 GMT
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Post by bethany102399 on Dec 18, 2018 3:25:33 GMT
Op—i just re-read your first post. is your husband upset right now because he did have a good idea for a gift that fell through, and he is therefore frustrated that he has to come up with a new idea? Or is it that you think he didn’t really have an idea at all and is using it “falling through” as an excuse? He's upset for 2 reasons, and this is coming from having read your responses and pondering on this. He's upset because yes, he did have a good idea for a gift and it fell through and he's upset because of my saying do you have a backup plan? The more I ponder this the more I feel like I need to address the you don't trust me to give a gift thing. That's on me. But I do think we need to have a larger conversation around you seem to be struggling with this. Can I do anything to help?
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bethany102399
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,560
Oct 11, 2014 3:17:29 GMT
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Post by bethany102399 on Dec 18, 2018 3:32:47 GMT
Do you enjoy getting him a gift? Does he enjoy receiving it? Yes and Yes which is why I think he struggles with this so much. I love giving him things that he thinks are "surprises". To me, it's just paying attention and getting him something he wouldn't normally spend money on but I know he wants. I understand and validate feeling like you are being ignored, but you are playing a role in this also. You're right I am. I'm letting the fact that I know he doesn't get how much it means to me to have something under the tree color my reaction.
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Dec 18, 2018 3:33:09 GMT
Op—i just re-read your first post. is your husband upset right now because he did have a good idea for a gift that fell through, and he is therefore frustrated that he has to come up with a new idea? Or is it that you think he didn’t really have an idea at all and is using it “falling through” as an excuse? He's upset for 2 reasons, and this is coming from having read your responses and pondering on this. He's upset because yes, he did have a good idea for a gift and it fell through and he's upset because of my saying do you have a backup plan? The more I ponder this the more I feel like I need to address the you don't trust me to give a gift thing. That's on me. But I do think we need to have a larger conversation around you seem to be struggling with this. Can I do anything to help? That sounds like a good idea. I think we all got stuck on whether or not he should "have" to get a gift rather than the underlying thoughts and feelings regarding this specific situation (and keeping in mind the history).
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Dec 18, 2018 3:35:07 GMT
Yes, I'm not allowed to do that. The times I've tried I've been ignored or we go back to the "I just want stuff" line. He'd also be pissed if I shopped for myself, which (to him) says you don't trust me to do it on my own. GIVING gifts is my love language. finding something that I know someone wants and being able to get it for them says I pay attention, and have found something I know they'll like/want. I bought my BFF some caramel chocolates from Aldi as I know she loves caramel and we exchange small gifts with each other this time of year. Does this make her spoiled? If she gives me starbucks because she knows it's a rare treat for me, does this mean I'm spoiled because I appreciate the fact that she took 2 seconds to think through something I might like? You can frame it however you want, but I think showing love through purchases sounds childish and spoiled, yes. Makes me think of prostitution, personally. My friends don’t need to think about me in terms of gift cards for me to know they care. Now you’ve just gone off the deep end. Likening spoiling someone with gifts to prostitution is just plain stupid.
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PrettyInPeank
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,691
Jun 25, 2014 21:31:58 GMT
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Post by PrettyInPeank on Dec 18, 2018 4:00:18 GMT
If gift-giving is how you show love, it makes sense that you'd feel completely unloved if you never received gifts.
Gifts can be the dessert you saved from lunch, or a flower on a walk. It's about saying "I was thinking about you because you matter to me."
Now, if I picture the pair of you in marriage therapy, I just can't picture a therapist saying you need to get over it and accept him the way he is. His lack of action is really hurting your feelings. Because your request is NOT ridiculous or unreasonable at all. I can see a therapist saying he needs to try to learn to demonstrate his love in a way that's important to you.
I can see them saying you can't put guidelines or restrictions on the gifts though, just like we wouldn't say you can only give me compliments in a specific way.
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pridemom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,843
Jul 12, 2014 21:58:10 GMT
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Post by pridemom on Dec 18, 2018 4:00:51 GMT
I don’t understand gifts as a love language. I just don’t think it’s acceptable for adults to expect presents to show love. I think people who claim gifts are their love language just sound like spoiled rotten children 🤷🏻♀️ Buy yourself whatever you want, wrap it up, and open it on Christmas. You get what you want and DH isnt grumpy anymore because you’ve relieved the unnecessary stress from your relationship. What makes you feel loved or appreciated? Coming home to a clean house? Kind words telling you how much you mean to someone? An evening spent with someone, just hanging out together? A hug of a back rub? Those are all love languages. In a relationship, caring about the other person means figuring out what makes them feel appreciated. It’s investing in your relationship, whether it’s time, touch, affirming words, acts of service, or gifts. As a person whose love language is gifts, I can tell you that it’s not about the money spent, if any at all, it’s knowing that my husband took the time and effort to think of me. Bring home my favorite herbal tea when you’re at the store and it’s like I got a winning Lotto ticket.
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Post by chlerbie on Dec 18, 2018 4:13:06 GMT
I always get gifts...but he's really just not good about picking them out and I generally feel like he just doesn't put a lot of thought into them. Every once in awhile he surprises me, but I have just come to accept that he is just not a great gift giver. Seriously, one year I got a cemetary urn. I don't care about big pricey items--just would be really pleased if he remembered something I mentioned or something that was well thought out. I don't want to buy my own gifts. I can do that any time.
In the realm of Love Languages, his way of showing love is act of services, so he'll do anything for me, anytime without complaint. I feel really lucky that he is so amazing in so many other ways that I try my best to let the gift giving thing go.
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Post by freecharlie on Dec 18, 2018 4:16:30 GMT
I love getting gifts. I love opening things. Big, little, expensive, cheap...doesnt matter. I just like to open. Been that way since I was 2.
Dh sucked gifting at first. One year he got me too small lingerie from ebay...yep...ebay. i explained that was a gift for him, not me. He's figured out over the years that a box of chocolate covered cherries is appreciated almost as much as something else.
Now he tries to outdo himself. He does pretty well. Funny thing, I don't care as much anymore. Perhaps because he did try.
He is currently super excited about my presents and I fear mine will be lacking.
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bethany102399
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,560
Oct 11, 2014 3:17:29 GMT
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Post by bethany102399 on Dec 18, 2018 4:17:41 GMT
Seriously, one year I got a cemetary urn.
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PrettyInPeank
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,691
Jun 25, 2014 21:31:58 GMT
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Post by PrettyInPeank on Dec 18, 2018 4:21:22 GMT
I love getting gifts. I love opening things. Big, little, expensive, cheap...doesnt matter. I just like to open. Been that way since I was 2. Dh sucked gifting at first. One year he got me too small lingerie from ebay...yep...ebay. i explained that was a gift for him, not me. He's figured out over the years that a box of chocolate covered cherries is appreciated almost as much as something else. Now he tries to outdo himself. He does pretty well. Funny thing, I don't care as much anymore. Perhaps because he did try. He is currently super excited about my presents and I fear mine will be lacking. My husband sucked at first, too. If he did get me something, he didn't even wrap it! I had to explain and he learned, and does great now. I mean sometimes it's a miss, but I would never say anything.
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Deleted
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Jun 29, 2024 5:28:53 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2018 4:29:40 GMT
I don’t understand gifts as a love language. I just don’t think it’s acceptable for adults to expect presents to show love. I think people who claim gifts are their love language just sound like spoiled rotten children 🤷🏻♀️ Buy yourself whatever you want, wrap it up, and open it on Christmas. You get what you want and DH isnt grumpy anymore because you’ve relieved the unnecessary stress from your relationship. The gift doesn't need to be expensive. They arent spoiled adults... They are adults who feel loved through the act that their partner took time to think of a special, unique gift. They are thinking of their love. I LOVE it when dh will pick me up say a coffee when out and about. It means he was thinking of me. Im not spoiled. I dont expect a gift but feel even morenloved when dh takes the time to really find a one of a kind, unique gift or even something I have been talking about. Shows he is listening, cares, etc.
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trollie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,580
Jul 2, 2014 22:14:02 GMT
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Post by trollie on Dec 18, 2018 4:44:50 GMT
Ha ha! This thread has taught me that liking the gummy bears that my hubby surprises me with occasionally makes me a gummy bear ho!
Who knew?!
Seriously did not see this thread going in that direction. LOL.
Sorry, that you and your hubby are not on the same page, OP. It is nice to be thought of, I agree.
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