bethany102399
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Oct 11, 2014 3:17:29 GMT
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Post by bethany102399 on Feb 20, 2015 17:16:48 GMT
I haven't read this all the way through, but I did have a couple of thoughts.
1. It all depends on the priest. I had a co-worker get married last summer into a VERY traditional Irish Catholic family. The Groom's father had passed away less than a year before they were married, and literally on his deathbed begged them to get married in the catholic church. They attempted to have a home wedding so his father could see them get married and the priest refused.
Flash forward to the wedding itself, and they had a gorgeous service officiated by both the Groom's childhood priest and the Bride's childhood priest (who is a woman) in a church that was not theirs. I was blown away by the cooperation and sense of inclusion the service had, it was far and away not the Catholic church of my childhood. There was no communion.
2. I know they had to go through counseling via the church. Again, it depends on the priest as to how "churchy" the counseling is. I can say as an Episcopalian, DH and I had to go through counseling too. It can be a good experience to have open discussions with your FH about topics completely unrelated to faith.
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TheOtherMeg
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Jun 25, 2014 20:58:14 GMT
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Post by TheOtherMeg on Feb 20, 2015 17:23:46 GMT
Yes. Yes you are.
Neither you nor your FH care one bit about the "religiousness" of the wedding, and you very specifically want most of the "religiousness" removed completely. Sounds like a secular ceremony is the way to go.
I would think that family members who want something religious would be more upset by a religious ceremony that's been gutted than by a secular ceremony.
I have a feeling there will be people who will be miffed by anything less than a high mass, anyway. Might as well go with a nice secular ceremony of your design.
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bethany102399
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Oct 11, 2014 3:17:29 GMT
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Post by bethany102399 on Feb 20, 2015 17:28:55 GMT
sorry, but this kind of bugs me. The church itself has expenses, it has to keep the heat going and the lights on. While the priest does this as a calling, it's also a job for which they earn a paycheck. That paycheck has to come from somewhere, and part of it is from charging people for their time. Often these classes are held in the evenings or over a long weekend. The church has to have lights, heat/AC, and often provides food. How are they supposed to cover the expense for that? They charge the couples who want to get married. It's no different than a professional charging for their time.
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Post by ilikepink on Feb 20, 2015 17:52:19 GMT
When I married the first time, this was a Big Issue. He was Catholic, I was raised Episcopalian but not really believing anything at the time. We (I) wanted to be married outside. Found a priest who was willing (no one from his church was willing), but had to get the permission of the diocese to do it. Denied. (why can't you get married under the trees that God made as opposed to the man-made building, but whatever). I didn't want his church (too far away and just not that pretty). We ended up at my Episcopal church, with my priest and the Catholic priest who just had to do a blessing. That pissed the MIL off - to the point where she almost didn't come.
Yes, we had to do the pre-marriage sessions (we did it over a weekend; wasn't as bad as I was afraid it would be).
But be prepared-the church will not bend. It will have to be in the church, you will have to some type of pre-marital education. You may be able to not have the Eucharist, but you will be compromising something. It's what you are willing to compromise on that you have to decide. Good luck.
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grinningcat
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Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Feb 20, 2015 17:55:12 GMT
sorry, but this kind of bugs me. The church itself has expenses, it has to keep the heat going and the lights on. While the priest does this as a calling, it's also a job for which they earn a paycheck. That paycheck has to come from somewhere, and part of it is from charging people for their time. Often these classes are held in the evenings or over a long weekend. The church has to have lights, heat/AC, and often provides food. How are they supposed to cover the expense for that? They charge the couples who want to get married. It's no different than a professional charging for their time. True enough. It just seems like they paid an exhorbitant amount. But looking at it that way, I get what you're saying.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Feb 20, 2015 17:56:19 GMT
I agree a whole lot is going to depend on the priest. My aunt really, really wanted a priest to marry her in an outdoor ceremony to an atheist husband. Despite everyone including her parish priest telling her it was impossible. She found a priest willing to do it.
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Post by Linda on Feb 20, 2015 18:21:07 GMT
my 2-cents as a Catholic married to a non-religous man (baptized RLDS) It sounds to me as if you were also baptised Catholic but you no longer practise/believe - is that correct? That is going to be a factor if you do decide to go the Catholic route because as far as the Catholic church is concerned, you are still Catholic and it would be a Catholic-Catholic marriage not a mixed faith marriage. If you had never been baptised, then there's a special dispensation needed from the Bishop. My personal suggestion is to talk to the priest, be honest about your concerns and be willing to accept that he's probably not going to be able to meet your demands. If you get lucky, he might be willing to take the 'fall' and let your future ILs know that a church wedding won't be happening and (hopefully) get them off your back. Honestly though I think you and your FH would benefit from the pre-cana sessions- it will (should) help you both talk through issues such as religion and parental expectations and future children (baptism or not) as well as what happens if he becomes more religious in the future (it happens) so that you enter marriage with some of these potential mine fields worked out. And on a side note - if you marry outside the Church, your DH won't be able to take Communion unless you later have your marriage convalidated as it wouldn't be a Sacramental marriage. That might not matter to you or him now but it may (or may not) in the future. I had a civil marriage (we eloped) and had our marriage convalidated 5 years later in a simple ceremony (just us, our then 2 children and witnesses) - no Mass, just reading, prayers and a homily plus the marriage ceremony itself. Yes, I have the basic sacrements but I have not practiced or identified as Catholic since I was in my mid-teens. I guess one thing I worry about or think about when taking the pre-cana is that i am going to end up with the same frustrations as I did in any other religious education in that my questions were never answered and I was labelled a troublemaker for asking the other side of the coin. He didn't take communion the last time we were in church, which was for his cousin's confirmation so I don't know if not being able to would matter to him. I think pre-cana is a bit of toss-up because so much depends on who is doing it - personalities vary and so does how much information/background they have on the issues you raise. I do wish DH and I had done some sort of pre-marriage counselling - it would have been very beneficial, I think. Instead I ended up doing sessions after our marriage with our priest to try and hammer our ways to honour both my marriage vows and my religious beliefs and it hasn't always been easy. When I first married, it really didn't matter to me that I couldn't take Communion (my mum didn't her entire marriage - my Dad was a divorced Protestant - so that was 'normal' to me) but then I had a child reach FHC age and it became more important to me and DH was reluctant to convalidate (to the point where my priest was exploring other options to validate my marriage - apparently there's a way to do it without the spouse's consent under very limited circumstances with a non-Catholic spouse). I would never tell some one not to marry outside their Faith but it IS harder when you don't share the same religious and cultural beliefs/traditions. And religious traditions...people tend to hold on to and fall back on even when the the meaning is gone...and that might be part of what you're dealing with...even if the meaning of the Church wedding isn't there, the tradition might be part of his upbringing and family traditions/culture. I know as an atheist - the power of prayer isn't something you likely hold much regard for but I will keep both of you in my thoughts and prayers that you can come to an understanding that works for both of you. Best wishes for your upcoming marriage
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Post by crazy4scraps on Feb 20, 2015 18:26:30 GMT
I was raised Catholic but haven't been a regular practitioner in over 30 years. DH wasn't raised in any religion, though he was baptized as a baby (not in a Catholic church, something else). My mom and her family are all VERY Catholic, one uncle was a priest, so she was gave me a bit of grief when I expressed an interest in having an outdoor wedding or something similar. I absolutely did NOT want a Catholic wedding for many of the reasons you don't.
I thought DH was on board with having a very simple, very small (maybe even destination) wedding. I didn't want to have to deal with the whole "church wedding" hassle and expense (dress, rented suits, reception, cake, flowers, etc.). When things got serious, HE was the one who turned everything upside down telling me that he felt like maybe he would "have missed out on something later in life" if he didn't have a church wedding of some kind. Seriously, WTH? This from the guy who hadn't stepped a foot inside a church for any reason since he was maybe five years old! Then, to add insult to injury, I ended up having to make virtually all of the decisions regarding said church wedding by myself, because DH didn't really care about any of the details! (He definitely is NOT a detail guy.) I was more than a little bit annoyed by that.
We ended up getting married at the Methodist church on the campus where he was attending college. We had a very open minded female officiant and she was pretty cool. We did have to go to a few marriage "counseling" sessions which were kind of a joke, but one thing that was interesting about that was that we did a compatibility test, and in spite of being completely at each other's throats over so many of the wedding issues at the time, the pastor told us that according to our answers (tested independent of each other), we were the most compatible couple she had ever counseled. Hmm!
In hindsight, if I had to do it all over again, I would insist that DH participate FULLY in all of the decisions that ended up coming as the result of HIS wanting that church wedding with all the bells and whistles! I still would choose him again though, no doubt about that.
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Post by anonrefugee on Feb 20, 2015 18:54:43 GMT
I have one question...if you don't have the "old friend/priest" perform the ceremony (regardless of where or how close he truly is to FH), do you have someone else in mind who is close enough to either one of you to make that position meaningful? If not, I don't think I would argue about it IF that priest is willing to perform the ceremony. And after 25 years of marriage, I will say that many of our issues over the years stem back to in-laws and how we were raised. We did marriage counseling and it was helpful but didn't prepare me for some of those issues. Only you can decide if you want to make this one of the issues that won't ever go away. Or if it is worth it to have a small private wedding blessing done at the church because it is something that would mean a lot to your in-laws and then have the other ceremony at whatever location you picked. But then again, I think a marriage is about more than 2 people. And many of the things in my wedding were done because they would make others happy. In turn, that made me less stressed and happy. I've never regretted it. I wish I could hold your last 2-3 sentences! So true! But I'm still adding this: And as another one approaching 25 years I'd caution you to understand if your FH is wanting this to make his family happy, or because it's secretly important to him. Worse, will he cave to his moms pressure over and over? It's easy to say now that he will be the one to handle the commitment to raise any offspring in a church, but reality is much different if it takes them away from an activity you wanted for the family, or closes their minds to ideals/ philosophies you value. I'm not saying it can't be done. And grinningcat you have the strength, humor and tenacity to make it work- just don't start out making light of something important to you.
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iowgirl
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Jun 25, 2014 22:52:46 GMT
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Post by iowgirl on Feb 20, 2015 19:04:10 GMT
Not true. I was married in the church, but did not have a full mass. I have been to many Catholic weddings that did not have the full mass.
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Post by bwife on Feb 20, 2015 19:06:32 GMT
I'd go to the meeting and get answers direct from the source. I always get the impression that some priests are more flexible than others and until you speak directly to him you won't know how flexible he is. At least, after the meeting you can make an informed decision. Perhaps the family and priest would be happy with a blessing? I agree with this.... EVERY Priest and EVERY Church is Different. I would go and ask some questions before you decide what you want to do.
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julieb
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Jul 3, 2014 16:02:54 GMT
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Post by julieb on Feb 20, 2015 19:41:26 GMT
My DD is engaged and has made all of her sacraments - she went to church every Sunday, along with my other kids. She does not want to get married in a church, as she wants an outdoor wedding. Her fiancé was baptized Catholic, but made no other sacraments.
My sil and brother are best friends with a Priest. We see him at family gatherings. He will not do an outdoor wedding and a Bishop will not give permission just because you want an outdoor wedding. There has to be a legit reason, such as health (married in a hospital, etc.). I really thought because of our "connection" he would do it, but no go.
DH and I are disappointed that they are not getting married in church and not having a Catholic ceremony. But as disappointed as we are, they are adults, making their own decisions. I can't believe you would let your future MIL dictate your ceremony, especially because you are an atheist. Does she know that you are an atheist?
Another alternative, we were told, is for the bride & groom to exchange vows in church prior to the ceremony and then the priest would marry you outside or at the venue. My dd didn't like this idea at all, as she would like her vows to be said the first time, with all their intended meaning and emotions, in front of family and friends.
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grinningcat
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Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Feb 20, 2015 19:54:40 GMT
My DD is engaged and has made all of her sacraments - she went to church every Sunday, along with my other kids. She does not want to get married in a church, as she wants an outdoor wedding. Her fiancé was baptized Catholic, but made no other sacraments. My sil and brother are best friends with a Priest. We see him at family gatherings. He will not do an outdoor wedding and a Bishop will not give permission just because you want an outdoor wedding. There has to be a legit reason, such as health (married in a hospital, etc.). I really thought because of our "connection" he would do it, but no go. DH and I are disappointed that they are not getting married in church and not having a Catholic ceremony. But as disappointed as we are, they are adults, making their own decisions. I can't believe you would let your future MIL dictate your ceremony, especially because you are an atheist. Does she know that you are an atheist? Another alternative, we were told, is for the bride & groom to exchange vows in church prior to the ceremony and then the priest would marry you outside or at the venue. My dd didn't like this idea at all, as she would like her vows to be said the first time, with all their intended meaning and emotions, in front of family and friends. I don't think I have ever come out and said "I'M AN ATHIEST!" to his mother, I know it came up in conversation with his grandparents and one of his aunts, so I assume she knows (the aunt is a bit of a tattler on certain things) but it's never really come up directly to me. I have no shame in this and would gladly discuss it with her if it came up. And yes, it would be a civilized discussion. As I have said, I will do this kind of ceremony if that's what HE wants and that's what I need to figure out. Is this him trying to please mommy (or shut her up) or is it something that has significance and meaning for him personally. If that's what he wants, it's not letting FMIL dictate the ceremony (at least I don't think it is)... it's giving him something meaningful on a day that's just as much his as mine. So we need to figure that out and I think part of that will come out at this meeting. This thread has given me a lot to think about, which is exactly why I posted it. So I appreciate and thank everyone who has weighed in. I think the alternative of having said priest come out and say a blessing or a prayer during the ceremony would be a good alternative. And Corinthians.
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Deleted
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May 7, 2024 10:35:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2015 20:31:00 GMT
Not true. I was married in the church, but did not have a full mass. I have been to many Catholic weddings that did not have the full mass. Wanted to be sure this was seen again! Because I was not Catholic when we married and because the majority of our guests would not be Catholic, our parish priest recommended we simply do the marriage ceremony without a full Mass. I did have to agree to raise our kids Catholic, we took the questionnaire test (oh dear, 30 minutes of my life stolen! ) and we had the choice of a pre-canna retreat or 5 sessions with a volunteer couple who were trained to do the counseling. We paid nothing for the meetings, with the priest, the test nor the counseling. We were not told we HAD to pay anything for the use of the church or the priest. In fact our church was doing renovations in the sanctuary that ran behind schedule. The carpet layer quit the day before our wedding leaving the aisle uncarpeted. The priest found us an aisle runner to use. And we had to INSIST he accept our donation. So are there parishes and priests taking advantage of couples in some places? Sure. But because you heard it happen to someone or it happened to you doesn't make it a wholesale practice of the Church. Same thing goes for those who manage to "shop" around and find a priest to go against the stated rules of the Church. Just because it's done doesn't make it right. OP: I truly offer you my best wishes on what I hope is a very happy day for you and your FDH.
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Deleted
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May 7, 2024 10:35:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2015 20:34:10 GMT
This sounds like a good compromise.
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julieb
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Jul 3, 2014 16:02:54 GMT
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Post by julieb on Feb 20, 2015 20:37:56 GMT
Not true. I was married in the church, but did not have a full mass. I have been to many Catholic weddings that did not have the full mass. Wanted to be sure this was seen again! Because I was not Catholic when we married and because the majority of our guests would not be Catholic, our parish priest recommended we simply do the marriage ceremony without a full Mass. I did have to agree to raise our kids Catholic, we took the questionnaire test (oh dear, 30 minutes of my life stolen! ) and we had the choice of a pre-canna retreat or 5 sessions with a volunteer couple who were trained to do the counseling. We paid nothing for the meetings, with the priest, the test nor the counseling. We were not told we HAD to pay anything for the use of the church or the priest. In fact our church was doing renovations in the sanctuary that ran behind schedule. The carpet layer quit the day before our wedding leaving the aisle uncarpeted. The priest found us an aisle runner to use. And we had to INSIST he accept our donation. So are their parishes and priests taking advantage of couples in some places? Sure. But because you heard it happen to someone or it happened to you doesn't make it a wholesale practice of the Church. Same thing goes for those who manage to "shop" around and find a priest to go against the stated rules of the Church. Just because it's done doesn't make it right. OP: I truly offer you my best wishes on what I hope is a very happy day for you and your FDH.
When DH and I married 30 years ago there were no fees, etc. We "tipped" the priest and alter servers. Currently, all three of the Catholic churches in my area charge a fee to get married. I believe it is around $500, depending on which church. This includes pre cana classes and/or retreat. It does not include the alter servers. It might include the organist.
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Post by knit.pea on Feb 20, 2015 21:09:26 GMT
I think that because you have all the Sacraments, you are officially considered Catholic.
Pre Cana was a number of hours with a large group (big Diocese).
How much else you divulge to the priest is up to you.
We, unfortunately, divulged we were living together to my parish priest from my childhood and he refused to do the ceremony. We were turned down by two Catholic parishes. And, creepily enough, the parish priest who did marry us eventually admitted to abusing boys for years and years. Unthinkable.
I don't have any expectations of where/how my children will be married. I just want them to be happy and enjoy their lives.
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Post by rainangel on Feb 20, 2015 21:34:31 GMT
Bear in mind if you plan to have children and not raise them as Catholics I would start dropping BIG hints now (or just straight tell her) so future MIL is well warned ahead of time of your intentions. So very true. To be honest, I would leave that up to FH. If he wants to raise them as such, it will be his responsibility. I will expose them to a variety of religions and beliefs but if he wants them Catholic, that's all on him. That is, if we have kids. I married a non-practicing Catholic and had children with him. When we had our first child I told him 'You're the one with some belief in God, so if we are going to christen this child it will be in your religion'. He was unsure of what to do, and he discussed it with his mother. She is Catholic and believes in God, but I've never heard of her going to church. But she said that she would like for the child to be christened. I think that old faer of hell or purgatory for someone that isn't christened is deeply ingrained in someone who was raised Catholic. So we had a Catholic christening. I am atheist and would never had christened my children if it was just my decision, but it wasn't just my decision. I truly believe his mother sleeps better at night because of that simple ceremony. And my exDH would never admit to it, but I think he slept better too
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JustTricia
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Jul 2, 2014 17:12:39 GMT
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Post by JustTricia on Feb 20, 2015 22:19:12 GMT
To piggy back on to what several others have said, regardless of what the "rules" are, EVERY SINGLE parish / priest / bishop / EVERYTHING are different.
You will find parishes that will marry you if they have a date open, or won't unless you're a parishioner for a certain amount of time. You'll find parishes that will charge an arm and a leg / reasonable amount / request a donation / not take any money at all.
You'll find priests who will ONLY perform a full mass / both people must be Catholic / fully practicing Catholic. You'll find priests who will marry a Catholic and a non as long as the Catholic is in good standing / don't care if you're in good standing. You'll find priests who will only perform the ceremony in a church / couldn't care less and will marry you anywhere.
You'll have to go to a pre-Cana weekend / meetings with priest / meeting with sponsor couples / meeting with counselor / no meetings at all.
You have to have all of the sacraments (Baptism, First Communion, Reconciliation, Confirmation) / only have to be Baptised / have to go to Reconciliation every month before the ceremony.
Pretty much the only thing I know that is across the board is if you are Catholic and were married before, you will have to have an annulment. But, even if you're divorced before the wedding, no one will stand in front of you in the communion line and deny you take communion.
You are getting some good info here, hopefully it's giving you some things to talk to the priest about. It truly will be up to him. (Oh, you'll also find sometimes if the priest is retired they won't / can't perform any of the functions of the church. It literally is up to each individual person how they choose to interpret what they decide to do.)
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gsquaredmom
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Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
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Post by gsquaredmom on Feb 20, 2015 23:29:45 GMT
I was/am a non practicing Catholic when married. We did not get married Catholic, but in a Non denominational Christian church by a female minister. Not only did I not think it fair that my husband would have to commit to raising children as Catholic, I also felt I would be hypocritical to have a Catholic wedding based on any kind of deception either of the Church or myself. As someone who still respects Catholicism and its traditions and rules even though I do not practice, I urge you to explore your conscience. A Catholic wedding and marriage is not something to be entered lightly. Please respect the faith and if you do choose Catholic marriage, go into it with pure heart, settled mind and honest intentions. It is not just a ceremony you pick and choose from. It is not just a marriage you pick and choose from. And it is not a religion you pick and choose from. Be Catholic if you want. Don't be Catholic if you don't want to. But please don't be a pretender or something in between to your own ends. Please do not diminish the important beliefs and traditions of this religion. I do not practice, but I respect it.
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luvnlifelady
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Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Feb 21, 2015 0:39:34 GMT
I haven't read all the replies. However, I will say that DH and I got married by an "American Catholic" priest outside at a retreat center. It was Catholic enough for his very Catholic mother and non-Catholic enough for my "I hate Catholics" mother. Not even sure how we found him since it's been nearly 20 years. DH is a non-practicing Catholic and I idenify as being Christian but don't practice any religion.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Feb 21, 2015 18:50:25 GMT
When I read your post, the first impression I got was your ambivalence towards the Catholic church. You have no desire to be married in the Church and you will only agree to do it on your terms. It doesn't work that way, a priest will only marry you in the Church with a full mass. You do not have to have a full mass...and it really depends on the priest and the bishop. If your priest is retired he may have more flexibility.
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AnotherPea
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Jan 4, 2015 1:47:52 GMT
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Post by AnotherPea on Feb 21, 2015 19:38:47 GMT
I would tread carefully. Go to the meeting, with your expectations being clearly noted, so you can at least look like you're willing to compromise. And don't get talked into doing what you don't want to do.
I personally believe that "marriage" is a covenant between God, man and woman. I understand that others have different beliefs and I won't begrudge them that. But I do have an issue with someone pretending during a religious ceremony. Saying the lines because life is easier that way. I find it disrespectful so my advice to you, from that standpoint, is to not have any religious component that involves your acceptance if you don't truly mean it.
I also echo people saying to shop around for priests if you want to go that route. I worked across the street from a very small Catholic church. I could not stand that priest. He was a hypocrite a thousand times over. The church was literally on the beach and he refused to marry anyone outside. Even though he was married outside himself. Of course that was back when he was an Episcopalian priest before conversion, but he didn't find his marriage invalid. When he retired (@@) the new priest was happy to marry couples outside.
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AnotherPea
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Jan 4, 2015 1:47:52 GMT
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Post by AnotherPea on Feb 21, 2015 19:41:08 GMT
My husband is a devout Catholic. I am very religious, but I was raised a Southern Baptist. When our relationship began to get serious, I told my future husband that I would never convert, but I would attend the Catholic church with him and I would raise our kids Catholic. We married 25 years ago in a chapel at the university my husband attended. My husband's very traditional Catholic priest presided and we had a traditional Catholic ceremony for when a Catholic marries a nonCathlic. The ceremony only lasted about 40 minutes. I lived up to all my promises and I still attend the Catholic Church w/ my husband and I raised my kids Catholic. I would like to say religion was never an issue in our marriage, but that just wouldn't be the truth. However, we have worked through our differences and have agreed to disagree on certain things, while celebrating our common beliefs. I think the thing that you might really need to think about is that it seems very important for your fiancé to please his family and have a Catholic priest present, when you don't really want a priest to marry you. It sounds like you don't really believe his story that the priest is an old friend, and your fiancé is very conflicted between trying to please you and please his mother. Believe me, if you do have children, the wedding issues are going to seem like nothing compared to all the religious issues that arise when you have kids. If you are anything like my husband and I, you are both thinking the other party will mellow after marriage, which wasn't the case for us. I would highly recommend that you and your fiancé find someone who can help you talk through these issues. You might be surprised about how objective the right priest can be. I'm sorry this post is so long. Whatever you decide about the wedding, I wish you much happiness in your marriage.
I'm curious about this. My daughter is in almost the same situation as you. However, she said that she refuses to give up her faith and insists that her children will not be raised Catholic. I understand her point. If your faith is so important to you that you won't convert, why would you have your children not raised in it?
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Post by Tamhugh on Feb 21, 2015 21:23:25 GMT
If your MIL does press for a full mass, point out to her that a wedding is about two families coming together. At Catholic weddings where one or the other is non-Catholic, it always makes me sad to see half the family sitting out the Eucharist. Instead of a coming together, it tends to point out their differences. My cousin had the shorter Catholic service because her DH is not Catholic. It had the elements to make my aunt happy without blatantly setting apart her new family.
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Post by jenis40 on Feb 21, 2015 22:58:47 GMT
OP I admire your willingness to do this for your future husband if it is something he truly wants. That is a great attitude going into marriage. My experience was a bit different. I married my first husband in a full mass Catholic wedding because he wanted to appease his mother and it was how his family had always done it. (I didn't even know there was a shorter version as an option until months after we married.) I was not religious so just kind of went along with it. I felt a lot of resentment about this later on, perhaps not always fair on my part as I didn't speak up at the time, but that helped lead to the demise of our marriage. We did have to take pre-Cana classes and agree to raise our children as Catholic. The priest was horrible and delivered a homily on divorce at our wedding. My family was very unhappy with that. Maybe if we'd both been willing to bend a little more, we'd still be married.
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Deleted
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May 7, 2024 10:35:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 21, 2015 23:17:50 GMT
When I read your post, the first impression I got was your ambivalence towards the Catholic church. You have no desire to be married in the Church and you will only agree to do it on your terms. It doesn't work that way, a priest will only marry you in the Church with a full mass. What happens if you have children? The same family who is pressuring you to marry in the Church is going to rally to have you baptize your children. If you are an atheist, I personally don't think you should marry in the Church. If you shared what you posted here with a priest, even a close family friend, I doubt he would perform the ceremony. You have strong feeling against religion, you need to work this out with FH now. If this is what he wants, to practice his faith and baptize his children better to resolve these issues before you marry. You're absolutely right. I'm just not interested in marrying in the Catholic church because it has no meaning to me. It has little meaning to him. I swear, the only time this "friend" came up was after his mother said "I don't care what you do, but I'd like to see you married by a priest, so I am really not sure how close or how "friendly" this guy is to my FH. I'm big on the day being all about things that are meaningful to us, personal touches if you like. And this just seems like it's not. If this priest had been a big part of FH's life, that he was a part of the family, that he in some way was a meaningful addition, I'd be all over it and I'd figure out a way to deal with it. I'd still want the churchiness toned down, but I would accept that this priest would be a meaningful touch to the day for FH. But that's not the impression I'm getting. Not even close. I don't think he wants to practice his faith, I've never gotten that impression. Last time we talked about it as a group, he said that he'll go to church "when they pay me" (as in give him work as they have in the past for events), and the only time we've been to church in our relationship was for his cousin's confirmation. If he wanted to go to church, I wouldn't stop him. I would encourage him. And if we have children (big if), and he wanted them to practice as well, I would support him but he would have to be responsible for carrying it out. I want the day (including the ceremony) to be incredibly meaningful to both of us. If having the priest will accomplish that for FH, then I will suck it up and do it, even if it will leave me cold. I just don't see it as being a meaningful thing for him, but more of shutting up his mom. That and I think I needed to talk this out and get some outside perspective from people who have BTDT. Oh boy. If he's giving in to her like this now, then prepare yourself for lots more to come. Especially if and when you have children. Good luck with all of it.
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Post by auntkelly on Feb 21, 2015 23:33:12 GMT
My husband is a devout Catholic. I am very religious, but I was raised a Southern Baptist. When our relationship began to get serious, I told my future husband that I would never convert, but I would attend the Catholic church with him and I would raise our kids Catholic. We married 25 years ago in a chapel at the university my husband attended. My husband's very traditional Catholic priest presided and we had a traditional Catholic ceremony for when a Catholic marries a nonCathlic. The ceremony only lasted about 40 minutes. I lived up to all my promises and I still attend the Catholic Church w/ my husband and I raised my kids Catholic. I would like to say religion was never an issue in our marriage, but that just wouldn't be the truth. However, we have worked through our differences and have agreed to disagree on certain things, while celebrating our common beliefs. I think the thing that you might really need to think about is that it seems very important for your fiancé to please his family and have a Catholic priest present, when you don't really want a priest to marry you. It sounds like you don't really believe his story that the priest is an old friend, and your fiancé is very conflicted between trying to please you and please his mother. Believe me, if you do have children, the wedding issues are going to seem like nothing compared to all the religious issues that arise when you have kids. If you are anything like my husband and I, you are both thinking the other party will mellow after marriage, which wasn't the case for us. I would highly recommend that you and your fiancé find someone who can help you talk through these issues. You might be surprised about how objective the right priest can be. I'm sorry this post is so long. Whatever you decide about the wedding, I wish you much happiness in your marriage.
I'm curious about this. My daughter is in almost the same situation as you. However, she said that she refuses to give up her faith and insists that her children will not be raised Catholic. I understand her point. If your faith is so important to you that you won't convert, why would you have your children not raised in it?
I agree with most of the core teachings of the Catholic Church. There are some differences between the teachings of the Catholic Church and my own personal beliefs, but those differences are not so fundamental (at least in my mind) that I have a problem with my children being raised in the Catholic Church. I don't feel like I've given up my faith by attending the Catholic Church. We attend a really wonderful church and I've been made to feel welcomed and have never been pressured to convert. I'd be happy to go into more detail if you want to send me a private message.
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MorningPerson
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,506
Location: Central Pennsylvania
Jul 4, 2014 21:35:44 GMT
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Post by MorningPerson on Feb 21, 2015 23:35:02 GMT
I was/am a non practicing Catholic when married. We did not get married Catholic, but in a Non denominational Christian church by a female minister. Not only did I not think it fair that my husband would have to commit to raising children as Catholic, I also felt I would be hypocritical to have a Catholic wedding based on any kind of deception either of the Church or myself. As someone who still respects Catholicism and its traditions and rules even though I do not practice, I urge you to explore your conscience. A Catholic wedding and marriage is not something to be entered lightly. Please respect the faith and if you do choose Catholic marriage, go into it with pure heart, settled mind and honest intentions. It is not just a ceremony you pick and choose from. It is not just a marriage you pick and choose from. And it is not a religion you pick and choose from. Be Catholic if you want. Don't be Catholic if you don't want to. But please don't be a pretender or something in between to your own ends. Please do not diminish the important beliefs and traditions of this religion. I do not practice, but I respect it. This is so very well said. I was going to add a bunch of stuff about my experience being raised in the Catholic church, married in the church, but no longer being part of the church but still respecting those who are, but gsquaredmom said all that needs to be said in regards to the choices you will be making about your wedding.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Feb 22, 2015 1:11:24 GMT
There's been a lot of food for thought here. Poor man is suffering through a sinus infection so once he's through with that we'll talk about it more. Much appreciated for all the posts. I knew the peas would know everything.
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