grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Feb 24, 2015 13:53:22 GMT
Wishing you much peace as you search for "your meaningful ceremony".
You will find the right fit for the both of you. I don't think that future in-laws should be involved.
Weddings and funerals always bring out a dark side of a family.
I have discovered that with the funeral last year and the weddings this year. Seriously. I don't get it. But I do get it. And we will triumph. We are on the same page with dealing with his family, so that is a good thing. And thank you.
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Deleted
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May 7, 2024 6:23:28 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2015 13:53:34 GMT
You've received some wonderful input and well-thought responses. It will surely work out for you and fdh - the ones that matter. But...when can we start talking about the dress?! Can you tell us about it?
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Feb 24, 2015 14:13:00 GMT
You've received some wonderful input and well-thought responses. It will surely work out for you and fdh - the ones that matter. But...when can we start talking about the dress?! Can you tell us about it? Hahahaha. The dress was purchased 8 days after the engagement was official. Quite by accident really. I was back home and my mom and I went out on a fact finding mission. I didn't realise that wedding dress shops were like thrift stores and that you had to sift through a bunch of things. I wanted to just look, get ideas, not try anything on. Well, I found myself half naked in the mall trying things on. After the second store, I needed a drink, a nap and a snack. So we had poutine (we're not the typical bride here). We did find it... after 25ish dresses (my SIL lost count), we went back to dress #5. And ended up buying it off the rack. It just needs a dry cleaning and some alterations. It has a vintage flair to it and the venue matches the dress in that sense. It wasn't what I planned but it is what I ended up getting. I did discover, that like shoes, the vast majority of wedding dresses are UGLY. The most common refrain that day was "too much dress" or "too much skirt" or "way too girly". But we had a good time and I was glad that my mother got to be involved (we live across the country so I was wondering how she'd be involved). It was so not "say yes to the dress" that show completely stresses me out. Too much drama over something silly like a dress. And yes, I have received some wonderful input. I appreciate all of it. It's helped me arrange my thoughts on this and I feel more prepared to have this meeting and sort out this part of the ceremony. So far the only thing I'd sorted out for that is the box for the rings (I'm altering a heart shaped box to carry the rings) and that we're having one attendant each (oddly both have the same name... yes, I'm having a Man of Honour). Oh and my sister will do a reading since I did (well, tried to do) a reading at her wedding. But the other stuff... not so planned yet.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Feb 24, 2015 16:29:18 GMT
I'm skimming, but didn't see this addressed: During a Catholic wedding ceremony, mass or not, you are asked, "Will you accept children lovingly from God, and bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church?" So, not planning to even HAVE children is problematic. I don't ever remember hearing that question at any of the Catholic weddings I've been to. Or maybe I just wasn't paying attention! I've already broken enough "rules" in regards to what the Catholic church expects for procreation... what's one more? (I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Put the pitchforks away). But yes, that causes one more issue for sure. Oh yes, it's a BIG part of the whole Catholic marriage thing, that you agree to accept any and all children that happen to be conceived and that you won't do anything to prevent them. There was NO WAY I was going to agree to that or even say it and not mean it, so for us a Catholic wedding was not even a consideration. The phrase "big happy family" to me is a complete joke because my siblings have always fought like cats and dogs (and some of them still do).
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Deleted
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May 7, 2024 6:23:28 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2015 18:10:37 GMT
It must feel good to have the dress purchased. And how cool that you actually found it with your mother. She's gotta dig that. How does the family feel about your non-traditional man of honor? I was the best man in a wedding many years ago. I wore the same dress as the bridesmaids but stood with the groom. I was (am) his best friend, it made sense and he wouldn't have had it any other way. You seem like a private person - thanks for chatting about the dress.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Feb 24, 2015 20:05:50 GMT
It must feel good to have the dress purchased. And how cool that you actually found it with your mother. She's gotta dig that. How does the family feel about your non-traditional man of honor? I was the best man in a wedding many years ago. I wore the same dress as the bridesmaids but stood with the groom. I was (am) his best friend, it made sense and he wouldn't have had it any other way. You seem like a private person - thanks for chatting about the dress. My family thinks it's awesome and makes sense. Originally, I was going to ask my sister and she's like "ask (name), it'll drive the traditionalists crazy"... hahaha... so I did. I don't think we've told FH's family yet. So that should be interesting. Wonder how the bridal shower they want to throw will go down... muahahaha. We'll have to tell them eventually. Teehee. Mom was thrilled about the dress day. It was good moment. I had a good entourage with my aunt and my SIL. Thanks.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Mar 2, 2015 13:12:12 GMT
Well here's an update.
The Monsignor is a pompous, long winded man. I wanted to say ass, but he wasn't... just full of himself. I'm surprised that he didn't pat us on the head and give a candy for all that he sort of treated us like we were either errant little children or that we'd cutely misbehaved.
He took a long flippin' time to say no to whether or not he could come out to our ceremony... actually now that I think of it, he used every word in the dictionary other than "no". And that's fine, it's his prerogative. But trying to guilt me into becoming Catholic again by saying that the roots were there and my tree is just dormant and that the only "right" place to marry is in the church really irritated me. I think had he been less pompous, I would have found the conversation enjoyable. As it was, I found it a little offputting to be told that I'm nothing more than an errant child who knows no better and who must come back to to the church to find my "home" and "community" (or what? I will wander aimlessly for ever? Not all who wander are lost).
The conversation also caused a fight between us and a long (and unwanted) discussion about why I don't want a church wedding with his aunt. Fact is, I just don't. It doesn't mean anything to me. I feel the peace everyone wants me to feel in church when I am overlooking the water, which the location we selected does.
I had a great conversation with my mom about this whole thing yesterday, she gave me some background about our family's involvement and walking away from a parish due to the "home" and "community" not being what it should be. So I have some insight to help me explain things to his mother (who has asked to sit down to discuss/hear my point of view. Because that's not a terrifying thought).
So that's the update. I promised I would update. Thank you so much to everyone who chimed in. It gave me a lot of food for thought.
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julieb
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Posts: 2,845
Jul 3, 2014 16:02:54 GMT
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Post by julieb on Mar 2, 2015 14:24:24 GMT
UPDATE (ALSO POSTED AT END OF THREAD): Well here's an update.
The Monsignor is a pompous, long winded man. I wanted to say ass, but he wasn't... just full of himself. I'm surprised that he didn't pat us on the head and give a candy for all that he sort of treated us like we were either errant little children or that we'd cutely misbehaved.
He took a long flippin' time to say no to whether or not he could come out to our ceremony... actually now that I think of it, he used every word in the dictionary other than "no". And that's fine, it's his prerogative. But trying to guilt me into becoming Catholic again by saying that the roots were there and my tree is just dormant and that the only "right" place to marry is in the church really irritated me. I think had he been less pompous, I would have found the conversation enjoyable. As it was, I found it a little offputting to be told that I'm nothing more than an errant child who knows no better and who must come back to to the church to find my "home" and "community" (or what? I will wander aimlessly for ever? Not all who wander are lost).
The conversation also caused a fight between us and a long (and unwanted) discussion about why I don't want a church wedding with his aunt. Fact is, I just don't. It doesn't mean anything to me. I feel the peace everyone wants me to feel in church when I am overlooking the water, which the location we selected does.
I had a great conversation with my mom about this whole thing yesterday, she gave me some background about our family's involvement and walking away from a parish due to the "home" and "community" not being what it should be. So I have some insight to help me explain things to his mother (who has asked to sit down to discuss/hear my point of view. Because that's not a terrifying thought).
So that's the update. I promised I would update. Thank you so much to everyone who chimed in. It gave me a lot of food for thought. Thanks.
I'm glad you were able to make a decision based on your wishes, feelings and beliefs. I think I stated somewhere in this thread that my dd doesn't want a church wedding and how my dh, my mom and my sil are not happy. I told my dh that she is an adult and we raised her "in the church" (religious ed and alter server) and she is free to make her own decisions. He backed off right away and is now on board for what she and her fiancé want. My mom and my sil will be another story.
Maybe if the Catholic church would be a little more flexible, ie. outdoor weddings, they would have more young people staying "in the community" then running away. I had a friend who had asked several priests to perform an outdoor wedding. One priest stated that all sacraments had to be given and received in a church. She told the priest that "last rites are not performed in the church". He got angry at her for calling him out and flatly told her no.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Mar 2, 2015 14:40:11 GMT
UPDATE (ALSO POSTED AT END OF THREAD): Well here's an update.
The Monsignor is a pompous, long winded man. I wanted to say ass, but he wasn't... just full of himself. I'm surprised that he didn't pat us on the head and give a candy for all that he sort of treated us like we were either errant little children or that we'd cutely misbehaved.
He took a long flippin' time to say no to whether or not he could come out to our ceremony... actually now that I think of it, he used every word in the dictionary other than "no". And that's fine, it's his prerogative. But trying to guilt me into becoming Catholic again by saying that the roots were there and my tree is just dormant and that the only "right" place to marry is in the church really irritated me. I think had he been less pompous, I would have found the conversation enjoyable. As it was, I found it a little offputting to be told that I'm nothing more than an errant child who knows no better and who must come back to to the church to find my "home" and "community" (or what? I will wander aimlessly for ever? Not all who wander are lost).
The conversation also caused a fight between us and a long (and unwanted) discussion about why I don't want a church wedding with his aunt. Fact is, I just don't. It doesn't mean anything to me. I feel the peace everyone wants me to feel in church when I am overlooking the water, which the location we selected does.
I had a great conversation with my mom about this whole thing yesterday, she gave me some background about our family's involvement and walking away from a parish due to the "home" and "community" not being what it should be. So I have some insight to help me explain things to his mother (who has asked to sit down to discuss/hear my point of view. Because that's not a terrifying thought).
So that's the update. I promised I would update. Thank you so much to everyone who chimed in. It gave me a lot of food for thought. Thanks.
I'm glad you were able to make a decision based on your wishes, feelings and beliefs. I think I stated somewhere in this thread that my dd doesn't want a church wedding and how my dh, my mom and my sil are not happy. I told my dh that she is an adult and we raised her "in the church" (religious ed and alter server) and she is free to make her own decisions. He backed off right away and is now on board for what she and her fiancé want. My mom and my sil will be another story.
Maybe if the Catholic church would be a little more flexible, ie. outdoor weddings, they would have more young people staying "in the community" then running away. I had a friend who had asked several priests to perform an outdoor wedding. One priest stated that all sacraments had to be given and received in a church. She told the priest that "last rites are not performed in the church". He got angry at her for calling him out and flatly told her no.
Why do priests get so damned pissed off when we point out something that doesn't make sense? That's what got me into trouble when I was a kid and it seems the same thing happened to your friend. It's not "over" for the most part, but it's "over" as in I don't want a church wedding and I think I am now prepared to "die on that hill" so to speak. The "compromise" that was suggested is getting married in the church and then driving to the location we've already picked for the reception. NO! NO NO NO NO NO! I don't want to deal with a bullshit travel time. One of the reasons I liked the place we chose is that it's a one stop shop. We get there and we stay there, no travel time. I hate travel times at weddings, it's so obnoxious and annoying. It makes the wedding day so much longer than it needs to be. So it's probably still going to be a battle royal with his parents, but I no longer care. It's not their wedding, they aren't paying for it, so I'm prepared to tell them to f*** off if it become an issue when this "conversation" happens. Today, I'm looking up the Catholic readings to give to my FH to find something that we can use as a part of the ceremony. And go back to what we originally planned before religion got in the way and did exactly what I thought would happen and one of the reasons why I left (and I found out also why my parents left) the church. Drama, guilt, demands, coercion to do it the "right" way. Right for them, maybe.
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Post by christine58 on Mar 2, 2015 15:39:32 GMT
How bad was the fight between you and your future husband?
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Mar 2, 2015 15:50:36 GMT
How bad was the fight between you and your future husband? It was bad enough that it ruined the rest of the wedding tasks we were doing that day. Bad enough that I've lost a lot of my compromising spirit on this. Bad enough that I'm ready to unleash my bridezilla on this. As it is, we're fine about the whole thing as long as we don't talk about it. Which we have to, so it will rear its ugly head again. But it's not bad enough that I don't want to marry him, if that's what you're asking. Just bad enough that I had thoughts of calling off this particular wedding. That said, I went online and found the readings suggested for Catholic ceremonies. I printed them off and I will give them to him as a "here's what would be read in a church ceremony, maybe there's one that speaks to you for your reading" (we will probably have two, one chosen by each of us... short ones. I don't want any droning on...)
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quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,698
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Mar 2, 2015 15:53:46 GMT
Glad that you did go to the meeting. You asked questions and got *some* answers and a few that were not answered.
Stand your ground. Stay with the one-stop-shop location that you have decided on. Find a reading or two that are Catholic in nature.
This is for you & FH. This is start of your marriage. More than 2 people in a marriage makes it very crowded.
Now I want to see what your invitations are going to look like. What paper store did you go to in Toronto?
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Post by pelirroja on Mar 2, 2015 16:11:38 GMT
Sorry your meeting went so badly but I guess it's good in that it just reinforces what you already thought so now you have clarity on this issue. For sure.
When DH and I got married (he's Catholic and I'm Episcopalian) we had a small ceremeony right at the reception: no church and we picked a universalist minister who did a combo of biblical vows, Hallmark greeting card vows, and something that vaguely sounded like ee cummings. A little bit of everything. We paid for the whole shebang so I felt that whoever is footing the bill gets to say what gets done. It didn't make me very popular with my MIL. I certainly was no bridezilla but it did set the tone that I wasn't going to defer to MIL although she did ask DH to pick between me and her. DH used his catechism to tell her he decided to "leave and cleave" as he had been instructed to do in the Catholic church. I love that guy so much: he had my back and always has.
I wish you well in your proceedings and plans. It sounds like your Mom will be a terrific support to you if you are facing backlash: it sounds like she totally gets it and will back you up. And this is probably a challenge to your FH, too, so give him a big hug and kiss and try to understand if he feels torn sometimes. My MIL is a real pill but she did one thing right: she made my DH. Maybe that will help you as you deal with your MIL, too. (hugs) Stick to your beliefs as best you can and compromise when and where you can without taking away from your own true self.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Mar 2, 2015 16:14:12 GMT
Glad that you did go to the meeting. You asked questions and got *some* answers and a few that were not answered.
Stand your ground. Stay with the one-stop-shop location that you have decided on. Find a reading or two that are Catholic in nature.
This is for you & FH. This is start of your marriage. More than 2 people in a marriage makes it very crowded.
Now I want to see what your invitations are going to look like. What paper store did you go to in Toronto? The Paper Place It's amazing. And dangerous. Their papers are gorgeous.
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Post by mikklynn on Mar 2, 2015 16:14:37 GMT
As a "recovering" Catholic, I have to say what turned me off to the church is just what you updated. That the only way to worship is the Catholic way. They only right church is the Catholic church. I truly do not want to offend anyone, but this seems too cult-like for me.
Stop explaining to anyone but your future husband. The two of you decide where/how you wish to be married. No one else gets a say. You are not children.
Wishing you the wedding of your dreams.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Mar 2, 2015 16:18:17 GMT
Sorry your meeting went so badly but I guess it's good in that it just reinforces what you already thought so now you have clarity on this issue. For sure. When DH and I got married (he's Catholic and I'm Episcopalian) we had a small ceremeony right at the reception: no church and we picked a universalist minister who did a combo of biblical vows, Hallmark greeting card vows, and something that vaguely sounded like ee cummings. A little bit of everything. We paid for the whole shebang so I felt that whoever is footing the bill gets to say what gets done. It didn't make me very popular with my MIL. I certainly was no bridezilla but it did set the tone that I wasn't going to defer to MIL although she did ask DH to pick between me and her. DH used his catechism to tell her he decided to "leave and cleave" as he had been instructed to do in the Catholic church. I love that guy so much: he had my back and always has. I wish you well in your proceedings and plans. It sounds like your Mom will be a terrific support to you if you are facing backlash: it sounds like she totally gets it and will back you up. And this is probably a challenge to your FH, too, so give him a big hug and kiss and try to understand if he feels torn sometimes. My MIL is a real pill but she did one thing right: she made my DH so I try to give her a pass when she's itchy (which, unfortunately, is way too often). Maybe that will help you as you deal with your MIL, too. (hugs) Thanks. I needed to hear that. I was at the point yesterday where I felt like if I insisted that we do no church I was being an ass to FH but a complete hypocrite because I wasn't being true to myself. So I know we'll reach a compromise, hopefully these readings I printed off for him will help create something that works to represent both of us, not just one of us. It's just an unnecessary frustration that I neither want or need that is negatively colouring my interactions with my inlaws.
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
Jun 25, 2014 20:06:48 GMT
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Post by freebird on Mar 2, 2015 16:24:53 GMT
I think there's a compromise here. (didn't read the whole thread, didn't see this the first time around). However, I once shot a wedding that was officiated by a "priest" and it was outdoors. He had a magnet on the side of his car like a business thing. I didn't talk to him very long because he was kind of an ass, but I take it he was some sort of freelance priest. Not officially sanctioned by the church. I don't know what to call it though! Look into that, maybe that'd appease everyone.
Wish I would have seen this before, I could have told you that asking the church would be a huge waste of time. I'm in a mostly catholic town and shoot a lot of catholic weddings. Every single one has been in the church (except for the freelance guy).
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
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Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Mar 2, 2015 16:25:14 GMT
As a "recovering" Catholic, I have to say what turned me off to the church is just what you updated. That the only way to worship is the Catholic way. They only right church is the Catholic church. I truly do not want to offend anyone, but this seems too cult-like for me. Stop explaining to anyone but your future husband. The two of you decide where/how you wish to be married. No one else gets a say. You are not children. Wishing you the wedding of your dreams. Thanks. I will sit down and discuss this with his parents if it comes up, but only to the point where it explains my point of view and not as an apology or anything like that. It just dawned on me that this may stem from no one ever questioning or challenging the status quo. It seems like in the past, everyone has done what is expected of them rather than what they wanted to do... not just with wedding but other things too. So I don't know if maybe that's what is freaking them out. That instead of doing what is "tradition" and expected, I am doing something else. I don't know if that makes sense or even if I can explain it, but it just dawned on me that this could be the root of the issue.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Mar 2, 2015 16:29:49 GMT
I think there's a compromise here. (didn't read the whole thread, didn't see this the first time around). However, I once shot a wedding that was officiated by a "priest" and it was outdoors. He had a magnet on the side of his car like a business thing. I didn't talk to him very long because he was kind of an ass, but I take it he was some sort of freelance priest. Not officially sanctioned by the church. I don't know what to call it though! Look into that, maybe that'd appease everyone. Wish I would have seen this before, I could have told you that asking the church would be a huge waste of time. I'm in a mostly catholic town and shoot a lot of catholic weddings. Every single one has been in the church (except for the freelance guy). I knew it was a lost cause going in. I knew enough from when I was involved in the church as a kid that there would be no way he'd perform the sacrament outside the church. I went because FH asked me, and I felt I couldn't take a stand or make a decision without officially knowing. I had hoped that he'd compromise and come out for a blessing/reading/prayer/something as a part of the ceremony so that we could reach a compromise. No dice apparently. I've looked up a few "rent a priests" (as my mother called them) and we have a friend of a friend who is an official wedding officiant in the running as well. It will work out. I think.
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MorningPerson
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Posts: 2,506
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Jul 4, 2014 21:35:44 GMT
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Post by MorningPerson on Mar 2, 2015 16:32:19 GMT
Sorry the meeting didn't go well. I just want to say that I respect that you know what you believe and are not willing to pretend otherwise.
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back to *pea*ality
Pearl Clutcher
Not my circus, not my monkeys ~refugee pea #59
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Jun 25, 2014 19:51:11 GMT
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Mar 2, 2015 16:36:26 GMT
I am not surprised with your update.
I hope that you and your future husband have the wedding you dream of and that his family accepts this and then let's it go.
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Mar 2, 2015 16:41:23 GMT
I agree with Mikkilynn that the reasons you gave are part of the reasons why I am not Catholic anymore. However, I do think that you need to keep in the forefront that this isn't just Your wedding. There are two of you and you both need to be ok with the plans.
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Post by bc2ca on Mar 2, 2015 17:01:01 GMT
As a "recovering" Catholic, I have to say what turned me off to the church is just what you updated. That the only way to worship is the Catholic way. They only right church is the Catholic church. I truly do not want to offend anyone, but this seems too cult-like for me. Stop explaining to anyone but your future husband. The two of you decide where/how you wish to be married. No one else gets a say. You are not children. Wishing you the wedding of your dreams. Thanks. I will sit down and discuss this with his parents if it comes up, but only to the point where it explains my point of view and not as an apology or anything like that. It just dawned on me that this may stem from no one ever questioning or challenging the status quo. It seems like in the past, everyone has done what is expected of them rather than what they wanted to do... not just with wedding but other things too. So I don't know if maybe that's what is freaking them out. That instead of doing what is "tradition" and expected, I am doing something else. I don't know if that makes sense or even if I can explain it, but it just dawned on me that this could be the root of the issue. I'd expect FH's parents to continue to push for a church wedding right up to the big day. A niece was the first in DH's family to get married outside the church and MIL and mother of the groom huffed and puffed up until the day and through the whole thing. I was getting irritated with MIL because every conversation for 6 months revolved around the wedding and how to talk the bride into doing "the right thing", I can't imagine what it was like to be the target of her unrelenting pressure. Fortunately, most other family members were supporting the bride & groom, but some were definitely on the "just do it to make your grandmother happy" side. Be strong, but don't expect them to accept your point of view and back off.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 7, 2024 6:23:28 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2015 17:12:19 GMT
I wouldn't even sit down with his family to explain your position. Your atheist. You don't want to get married in a church.
When does anyone expect religious people to sit down and justify their choices to their atheist family members? This double standard is ridiculous.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
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Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Mar 2, 2015 17:22:33 GMT
I wouldn't even sit down with his family to explain your position. Your atheist. You don't want to get married in a church. When does anyone expect religious people to sit down and justify their choices to their atheist family members? This double standard is ridiculous. I feel like it could be a "explain yourself young lady" kind of thing or it could be an attempt to understand the other side of the coin. I hope it's the later versus the former. I'm "new" to them. I don't think anyone's ever challenged the status quo so that could be it. I'd expect FH's parents to continue to push for a church wedding right up to the big day. A niece was the first in DH's family to get married outside the church and MIL and mother of the groom huffed and puffed up until the day and through the whole thing. I was getting irritated with MIL because every conversation for 6 months revolved around the wedding and how to talk the bride into doing "the right thing", I can't imagine what it was like to be the target of her unrelenting pressure. Fortunately, most other family members were supporting the bride & groom, but some were definitely on the "just do it to make your grandmother happy" side. Be strong, but don't expect them to accept your point of view and back off. They might. Though once things are locked in, they may not. That's what they did when we booked the venue. It's been radio silence instead of the snark and sarcasm about us "wasting our money" because we weren't using their caterer. So it might stop... or it might not. Hard to say. I agree with Mikkilynn that the reasons you gave are part of the reasons why I am not Catholic anymore. However, I do think that you need to keep in the forefront that this isn't just Your wedding. There are two of you and you both need to be ok with the plans. Exactly. Isn't it just my day. I've never said that. It's OUR day. Which is why I am trying hard to include both of us in all aspects of the day, so we have to find a compromise. A church wedding won't be representative of both of us... just him and his family. So hopefully by including readings and building with both beliefs we'll find a ceremony that represents both of us.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 7, 2024 6:23:28 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2015 18:31:46 GMT
I wouldn't even sit down with his family to explain your position. Your atheist. You don't want to get married in a church. When does anyone expect religious people to sit down and justify their choices to their atheist family members? This double standard is ridiculous. Is your fiancè now pushing for a Church wedding?
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Mar 2, 2015 18:39:19 GMT
I wouldn't even sit down with his family to explain your position. Your atheist. You don't want to get married in a church. When does anyone expect religious people to sit down and justify their choices to their atheist family members? This double standard is ridiculous. Is your fiance now pushing for a Church wedding? Sort of kind of... not really? He's never wanted a church wedding but wanted a priest to officiate. After the meeting he suggested having a church wedding and then travelling to the location we already have. I absolutely refuse to have the wedding in two different locations that are at least an hour apart in travel time... and on a Friday night in the GTA to boot? No way. No how. I am not wasting my time travelling that far between locations. Among everything else. I think we've gone back to the original plan, but I am not sure.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Mar 2, 2015 18:48:13 GMT
Don't think you're the first person to push the cathalic church about this. Trust me. It's been going on for yrs!! I was raised very strict catholic, but am no longer. When I got married, I was sort of on the fence, and dh was Evengelical. Both of our families very involved in their churches. We did end up getting married in the Catholic church. No communion, and some songs that were not really approved by the church. Oh, well. Yea, Priest did the same thing. Basically pat on the head, these poor children things. I have since left the Catholic church all together, and now enjoy going to a much more open and non fingerpointing religion/church.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 7, 2024 6:23:28 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2015 18:52:54 GMT
Is your fiance now pushing for a Church wedding? Sort of kind of... not really? He's never wanted a church wedding but wanted a priest to officiate. After the meeting he suggested having a church wedding and then travelling to the location we already have. I absolutely refuse to have the wedding in two different locations that are at least an hour apart in travel time... and on a Friday night in the GTA to boot? No way. No how. I am not wasting my time travelling that far between locations. Among everything else. I think we've gone back to the original plan, but I am not sure. I totally agree with you on the travel. That would be silly. I wonder if he'd be ok with a rent-a-priest kind of thing. I hope you two are able to sit down and have a long talk about what he really wants and putting his foot down with his mom, etc. I have to be honest here-I'm seeing some red flags waving with his family. If he can't stand up to them on this, I'd be seriously questioning what else he's going to give in on down the road. Because pushy relatives don't just stop after the ceremony-they just get exponentially worse. Especially once/if kids come along. Good luck with all of this. This kind of stuff is why I think elopements or extremely small weddings are such a great thing.
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bethany102399
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,521
Oct 11, 2014 3:17:29 GMT
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Post by bethany102399 on Mar 2, 2015 19:03:26 GMT
oh look, it's the Catholic church of my childhood. THIS is why I had and continue to have issues with the Catholic church. To be fair, I've also seen Catholic priests who are wonderful, open people where a wedding is concerned. But my foundational "education" with the CC, is rooted in this personality type.
I'm sorry this has become a bigger thing now. I would make sure you know what DF wants, sounds like you know what his family wants. Hugs on sitting down with his mother, that could go either way.
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