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Post by flanz on May 25, 2015 17:20:58 GMT
Greenlegume, I think I love you! Spot on advice, as so many others have given as well.
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lesley
Drama Llama
My best friend Turriff, desperately missed.
Posts: 7,296 
Location: Scotland, Scotland, Scotland
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Post by lesley on May 25, 2015 17:21:08 GMT
When you said your son had done something to cause you heartache and disgust, I thought you had found out he was dealing drugs. I cannot believe that you are disgusted at him exploring his sexuality (in a somewhat safe manner too - just because they're talking about it doesn't mean they're doing it). As others have said, talk to him about condoms and about STIs. Talk to him about respect, intimacy and feelings. Let him know you love him, and that you realise he's not a little boy anymore. Please, please do not tell him you are disgusted by him, or he has broken your heart. That would be exceptionally cruel. My DS17 exploded in a rage last year when he found out through Facebook that his ex-girlfriend had a new boyfriend - two days after telling him she didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone. He yelled at me that he'd lost his virginity to her, and that he hadn't even been sure he'd wanted to have sex with her, but she kept telling him how good it would be. He was really upset. Once he'd stopped crying, we talked about what had happened. He hadn't used a condom because he knew girlfriend was on the pill. I was insistent that he be checked for STIs, but there was no punishment, no disgust, no horror. He's a fine young man, who treats his girlfriends well and with respect. I know he has had sex with at least one other girl in the last year, but he knows now to use condoms, whether or not the girl is on BC. We talk openly about sex and feelings and he knows that all I want for him is to be safe, legal, and happy.  |
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Post by crimsoncat05 on May 25, 2015 17:21:40 GMT
Were we really all that innocent or did we just express it in different ways? Sex was the topic for pretty much every conversation I had at 15, a lot of time was spent searching for books with racy passages, a friend smuggled out her parents copy of The Joy of Sex for us to pour over, it was fascinating for all of us. I think you're totally overreacting at what happened, also... if you never told him that you might check his devices, he quite possibly will not trust you ever again once he finds out you've done so. As for the sexting thing, I think the only difference between 'nowadays' and 'when we were kids' is the method-- racy interchanges with a boyfriend or girlfriend are permanent now with texting, but I can assure you, this stuff was going on before-- the only difference is that when I was fifteen, I had those sorts of conversations with my boyfriend on the telephone. Exploring your new, emerging sexuality is, like other people have said, pretty much one of the main topics that teens think about. The fact that knowing that your son is growing up now 'disgusts' you is pretty sad. And the fact that you're blaming the girl for all this is beyond belief. |
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Post by myboysnme on May 25, 2015 17:23:27 GMT
He is fifteen. Make sure he understands condoms. You cannot control his sexuality; you can only teach him to exercise it responsibly. Young people have been bonking since the dawn of time and no variety of parenting is going to alter that. Pragmatism is safer than your disappointment and any punitive measures you can come up with unless your goal is to be a grandmother. I know young people have been bonking... but he seems so immature in so many ways yet, that I don't know if it's a reality that he can handle.
If maturity was a requirement for sex 90% of the world would not be here. Give him some condoms and tell him he has got to practice safe sex. He will probably be mortified but it is necessary. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2015 17:29:57 GMT
There are some pretty harsh posts on this thread. Not sure about that approach with you, but I do know those peas have made some awfully good points. I am sure you may be feeling piled on right now. But try to see their view.
I know this isn't want you hoped for or wanted. But it's reality. And it's normal, even if you don't want to believe that it's normal. (((hugs))) I hope that you can find some peace before you speak to him so that you don't negatively affect your relationship with him for the rest of these critical teen years. It's going to be very important that he knows he can come to his parents about things, and if you project harsh judgement, I feel it will backfire on you. Good luck.
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ladipop
Junior Member
Posts: 74
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Post by ladipop on May 25, 2015 17:34:00 GMT
BTDT. It was accidental on my part...DS and I had the same text alert and the same phones and a text came through and I got a short sharp shock. I spoke to him and told him what I'd seen. They were both over the age of consent, and it was phone based rather than anything else due to distance. We had a talk about privacy, hormones, safe sex, respect for each other in a relationship and how much he didn't enjoy someone else seeing what was supposed to be private between him and her, and that erasing "those conversations" afterwards would be a sensible idea. And I hammered on about NOT SENDING PICTURES OF ANYTHING YOU WOULDN'T WANT SEEN ON A BILLBOARD!!!! And I asked him to make sure she was doing the same. Apart from that, I really didn't feel I could say much. No matter what, they're going to experiment and technology just makes it easier. Apart from the fact that they're both horny teenagers they're both respectful, pretty sensible young adults.
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Post by anxiousmom on May 25, 2015 17:43:32 GMT
Mom to two boys:
As a parent, the hardest thing for me to do so far is learning how to stop seeing my boys as my little boys and start seeing them as young men that have their thoughts and feelings and lives. It is a total shift in the dynamics of our relationships-from adult/child to a more adult/adult one. At some point, we all have had to do it with our parents, and will have to do with our children. It isn't easy that is for sure...
Sex is part of that shift-and it is damn hard thinking of the baby you held in your arms as a sexual being. It has to happen though-it is part of life, part of the boy into a man ethos, part of growing up...
I am a little different from you (OP) though. While I would be shocked to the souls of my feet if I found those texts, I would also be a tiny bit happy that the early sex exploration was with words rather than naked bits bumping around in the dark.
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Post by kelbel827 on May 25, 2015 19:21:44 GMT
Really?  ? He's 15. Make sure he knows how condoms work. Make sure he knows that they are not 100% fail safe. That's your job as a parent. As for "your faith"..it's exactly that, yours. Just because you brought him up teaching him about "your faith" doesn't mean that it's his and he has to or will want to follow it. Oh, and for the "What if she's showing her friends what he's writing. I can see her doing that" crap. Have you met her? Do you know her? From reading texts you have already judged her as being a horrible person and influence. You need to get over yourself and be realistic. |
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Post by kernriver on May 25, 2015 19:50:06 GMT
There's no stopping it. Their hormones are on fire. And this is the generation of kids that thinks oral and anal sex don't count as 'real' sex so that goes on at a very early age.
concentrate on being calm. Make sure he has condoms.
It's upsetting, I know.
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Post by moveablefeast on May 25, 2015 19:50:35 GMT
To me, it's about more than how condoms work and how to prevent unplanned premature fatherhood. Sex is normal, and this is the normal time for people to become interested in sexual relationships. Totally true and totally okay.
But sex also has more consequences than just pregnancy. The emotional ramifications of sexual activity are profound. The reasons that young people make the choice to become sexually active are varied but significant. Now is the time for him to understand these things too. It's the free exploration without the context that can make trouble for people - really of any age, but young men and women who lack the benefit of life experience are especially susceptible to those negative consequences.
I wouldn't tell him you know. I would continue to charge his phone in your room at night. I would have some conversations about his heart and hers and what happens to both when you get too involved too soon.
Just my two cents worth, coming from the perspective of a person whose teenage sexual experiences were really not lovely and empowering. Sex did not become a really great thing until I was older and had learned some lessons the very hard way.
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Post by chances on May 25, 2015 20:15:51 GMT
I agree that shaming the son is inappropriate and hurtful. However, there is a role for parents in these matters. I remember high school as a time when a lot of my friends were pressured, lied to, and pushed into sexual activity that they didn't want. Normal sexual curiosity was often preyed on. I remember a close friend who was interested in trying oral sex with ONE guy get convinced/pressured/bullied into doing it with multiple guys. Despite our best efforts at 15, we didn't have a clue about what to do. Things only got better when her mother found out.
I disagree with the assumption that all teenagers are mature enough to make their own informed and healthy decisions about anything including sex. I also disagree that parents shouldn't be suspious of boyfriends/girlfriends because there are some predatory bastards out there.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2015 20:54:16 GMT
I'm sure you are feeling a little "jumped on" and I have been there, too And know it doesn't feel good.
But I hope you will seriously consider the advice you have been given. Pray long and hard before you do/say anything to your son. What happens now could change your relationship permanently.
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Post by jumperhop on May 25, 2015 21:00:04 GMT
My Mom would remind us that our generation didn't invent sex. But we totally thought we did. That others generations didn't have desires that we had made stronger by the music, and TV shows of the early 90's. I can't even imagine being a teen of today. 90's music and 90210 has nothing on the internet, tv and music of today's generation.  Oh come ON. Sexual desires are biological. Ask the preacher in Footloose how well his ban on the "devil music" and dancing worked for his daughter. Oops, that was the 80s! Our parents claimed that the TV, music, and everything else of our day was totally going to be the ruination of all of us. My dad hit.the.roof. when he heard the AC/DC song "Big Balls," and it was our Mom who was the real (cultish) religious, conservative parent. My uncles used to regale us with stories of how scandalous our grandparents thought Elvis was (until they heard his gospel music). And on and on for every previous generation. Horny teenagers have been around since the dawn of time. Trying to claim otherwise is just denying reality. Oh come ON, I completely agree with you. I said that when I was 16 I totally thought 1991 teens invented sex. As a naive teen who was 16 years old and thought that the Walton's were the example of past life. Funny as an Adult to look back at what I thought. But I will stand by my statement that it's harder now for teens who are trying to be chase now. When I was a kid you had to go to 7-11 to get porn. Things have changed even TV commercials have sex scenes you have to be careful on the internet to protect your kids from seeing it. You can have your opinion I respect that, but this is my opinion. jen |
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Post by greenlegume on May 25, 2015 21:12:44 GMT
Oh come ON, I completely agree with you. I said that when I was 16 I totally thought 1991 teens invented sex. As a naive teen who was 16 years old and thought that the Walton's were the example of past life. Funny as an Adult to look back at what I thought. But I will stand by my statement that it's harder now for teens who are trying to be chase now. When I was a kid you had to go to 7-11 to get porn. Things have changed even TV commercials have sex scenes you have to be careful on the internet to protect your kids from seeing it. You can have your opinion I respect that, but this is my opinion. jen Sorry if I misunderstood you. Wasn't trying to upset you, I just hear and have heard so many generations claiming that what's going on at _____ point in time is just the ruination of all morality. Of course we can disagree. I'm not sure if I really believe that it's harder for kids to be chaste now. I just don't think the biology of human sexuality has evolved much in the past millennia or so. I agree that they have easier access to porn today. But I just don't think media really has the kind of influence that can ruin a kid's morality if they have been brought up with diligent, honest parenting. Up until they're teens or maybe tweens, what they see and hear is all on the parents. And after that, if they've been parented sensibly and with some frankness and honesty, I just don't believe music, dancing, or other media (even the normal puberty-driven kind of curiosity about porn) is going to ruin someone's chastity. Different strokes, and I'm fine with that. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2015 21:31:16 GMT
Stick to the facts. What long standing household family rules has he broken? Make his consequences about that. While it may be normal you do not have to approve or condone. And yes you will need to be hyper vigilant with regards to their spending time together. You are right to be concered.
I'd ask that awesome youth minister to speak with him as well.
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Post by momstime on May 25, 2015 21:32:37 GMT
When my oldest son was 16 and exclusively dating a young lady, he was getting out of my car and a condom fell out of his pocket. I picked it up, shocked and fearful. I asked him rather plainly if he was having sex. He said yes. I handed him back the condom and told him that I would prefer if he would NOT have sex yet, but if he must, to use a condom every single time. He said of course mom, I'm not stupid. I walked into my house, went straight to my bedroom and cried for a solid 10 minutes. I don't know why, but I just had to get out those emotions. When I got that out of my system, I went on with my life and just prayed he would make good choices. I realized it was out of my hands, and my boy was no longer a baby. It's hard. I get it.
I will caution you about invading a teenager's privacy. Unless you have told him in no uncertain terms that you will be reading his texts, don't do it. Trust is a two way street. If he doesn't think you are worthy of his trust, you will not like the consequences.
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Post by peasful1 on May 25, 2015 21:37:36 GMT
Well, hopefully you have talked to him about how writing things in text means they can be shared with anyone and backed up forever to come back and haunt him. Perhaps a reminder is in order. I have learned, though, if you are not emotionally prepared to deal wtih the shit you find when you snoop, don't frickin' snoop. Not sure why you are disgusted. Did you think he would be asexual? He's probably been masturbating for years. Which leads me to believe you haven't talked to him, yet, about sex at all.
Hopefully you can all do some maturing and communicating together. If you want him to make good choices, you need to help him navigate this very real and normal part of growing up.
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Sarah*H
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,015
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Post by Sarah*H on May 25, 2015 21:44:06 GMT
A lot of the peas have good advice. It makes me sad for your son that you feel disgust towards him because of this. I'd like to gently suggest that maybe you need to examine your own attitude and thoughts about human sexuality to figure out why you think it's something shameful or something to be disgusted about. He's at an age where it would be abnormal if he wasn't feeling the things he's feeling. No doubt it's shocking to discover it and hard to accept that he's really growing up but it's time to tread very carefully so that you don't give him messages about sex and his natural urges that will send him to therapy in later years.
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Post by PenandInk on May 25, 2015 21:57:38 GMT
Hugs to you, OP, I understand how hard this is. You've gotten some great advice, I hope you've had a chance to step back and evaluate the situation more calmly. All I have to add is, your son hands over his iPod/phone willingly, so he trusts you. I would do everything in my power to keep that trust. It's a gift, and once lost, you'll have a difficult time getting it back.
Good luck! He's still your son, just a more grown up son.
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Post by mirabelleswalker on May 25, 2015 21:57:52 GMT
I agree with Sarah. Please don't shame your son. Accept that he is his own person and try to move forward. You do risk your relationship and his own self-worth if you pursue this aggressively. Your son knows your values. He just doesn't share them.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,153
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on May 25, 2015 22:06:07 GMT
I think it's difficult as a Mom to find your children are up to something you are just not expecting to find out at the time! I too would have been shocked and scared to find one of my children in this type of a situation at that age. While I get that it happens, I just would have hoped not to be at the stage at that age.
I do think you should step back some and let the news settle and give yourself time to process before speaking to him. I know some have come down on your reaction about the girl, but I see where you are saying she's been sexually active and she seems to be instigator in the texts. I'd be concerned that he may be going along with what she's started and could be uncomfortable. You need to process this so your approach is supportive in case he wants to talk. I have that kid too, doesn't say much and I get how concerning that is.
Good luck, hope that you can have a good conversation with him when you are ready.
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julieb
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Post by julieb on May 25, 2015 22:08:46 GMT
Were we really all that innocent or did we just express it in different ways? Sex was the topic for pretty much every conversation I had at 15, a lot of time was spent searching for books with racy passages, a friend smuggled out her parents copy of The Joy of Sex for us to pour over, it was fascinating for all of us.
Oh, I was really innocent. I honestly did not know what sex was until I was 13 - and I have 4 older siblings! I remember going to the talk at school and I think it just didn't sink in.  My parents showed a ton of affection (still married - 61 years!) and their bedroom door was locked every Sunday morning (always knocking wanting to know what time we were going to church). You think I would have figured it out, but it wasn't discussed. My parents were much more open to conversation after my brother got his girlfriend pg 38 years ago. I don't remember ever discussing sex with friends. Believe me, it should have been discussed, because my bff got pregnant right out of the high school.
I would leave the house on a date and my mom would yell out, "remember - a hard penis has no conscience"!
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Country Ham
Pearl Clutcher
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Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
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Post by Country Ham on May 25, 2015 22:09:17 GMT
I actually would be surprised to read sexting between my kids and other kids at that age. So i get her initial reaction. BUT on the other hand what I don't appreciate is the whole "she's ruining my boy" mentality. They are both just as involved in this. It shouldn't be about shaming her and poor innocent son here. I do think it's not a safe avenue to express sexuality like another poster said. Anything like that can be shared with others and prove an embarrassment for either kid down the line.
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back to *pea*ality
Pearl Clutcher
Not my circus, not my monkeys ~refugee pea #59
Posts: 3,149
Jun 25, 2014 19:51:11 GMT
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Post by back to *pea*ality on May 25, 2015 22:11:49 GMT
I am not surprised by the advice given here but It would not be the route I would take.
What you son does when he reaches adulthood is his business and none of yours. However, in these formative years this is your chance to teach him about love, respect and honor and how they are important when expressing sexuality.
I think it's easy to say give the boy a box of condoms but a much harder thing to do in reality. I don't think there is one right way or certain way to handle the situation. We all have different moral compasses and you need to be authentic with your son.
Edited to to add that this is the time to talk to your son about consent and how the use of drugs and alcohol blur those lines. Not long ago, a pea posted about her son who was accused of rape which would be any parent of a son nightmare.
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Post by bc2ca on May 25, 2015 22:12:57 GMT
I am the mother of a 16 year old DS and am a bit lost as to what you need to confront him about after he finishes his exams.
Honestly, if I had seen the direction the texts were going I would have stopped reading. To keep reading and scrolling for 30 minutes slips into a voyeurism IMHO. What more did you need to find out??? Proof that this was all the new girlfriend's fault?
I can understand being disappointed to a degree, but think heartache and disgust are really over the top. If you friends would react the same way, I am glad you haven't shared with them.
Given this is your son's first girlfriend I think it is a perfect opportunity to have a reminder talk about the responsibilities of becoming sexually active and consequences of putting anything in text or digital format, but other than that I would not do anything more.
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Post by eventhinker on May 25, 2015 22:35:35 GMT
My mother shamed me horribly when I was 20 (way back when), living in her home, and making poor choices. She wrote me a note and refused to talk to me for days. It didn't stop my behavior, I just began lying to my parents about where I went.
I was blessed with boys who are now adults (21 & 20). The oldest has just broken up with his GF after two years. I know they hadnt been sexually active....because I used his iPad one day. I never told him I read things, and I absolutely struggled with things because I knew we needed to talk. Not about sex, but drinking.
I couldn't shame him....I just couldn't. But I brought up things and eventually he told me pretty much the same things I had read.
When the breakup happened, my first question was "how are the both of you doing?" We talked a while, and he told me that they hadn't been together sexually. And then I told him..."your sex life is yours. Be safe, try to choose well"
Because he doesn't owe you an apology for having sexual feelings. And you really aren't going to expect to be in the bed with him his first time (or anytime for that matter!). So you have to allow him to grow up.
Others have said it better than I have.
But I can tell you....my kids know by my body language when I'm stressed or upset about anything. Your son will know something is off. Shake it off. Have "the talk".
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akathy
What's For Dinner?
Still peaing from Podunk!
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Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
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Post by akathy on May 25, 2015 22:41:00 GMT
Totally agree with compwalla. But I can't keep my mouth shut on this one any longer. Your total blame of the girl is mean and wrong.  Girls are not evil seductresses who have magic powers to corrupt your perfect little boy. He's fifteen, and he has urges. Don't shame him for that. And quit blaming the girl exclusively. Even if she's not the ideal girlfriend.   |
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Post by gmcwife1 on May 25, 2015 22:42:25 GMT
A lot of the peas have good advice. It makes me sad for your son that you feel disgust towards him because of this. I'd like to gently suggest that maybe you need to examine your own attitude and thoughts about human sexuality to figure out why you think it's something shameful or something to be disgusted about. He's at an age where it would be abnormal if he wasn't feeling the things he's feeling. No doubt it's shocking to discover it and hard to accept that he's really growing up but it's time to tread very carefully so that you don't give him messages about sex and his natural urges that will send him to therapy in later years. This. The saddest part of the OP is the harsh feelings from mom for son  |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2015 22:44:57 GMT
First off breathe!
I haven't read through all the messages, so please forgive if you've asked and answered.
Are you in contact with the girls mom, as a mom of girls I'd want to know.
I know he has finals, I would tell him until finials are over the cell is gone. When finials are over, have the conversation about it all.
Let him know why it's upsetting to you and what you expect. Phones are a privlige, not a right. Sexting can have some serious consequences. Have some consequences lined up. Be open in the conversation, but in the end be a parent.
It sucks to parent teens sometimes. Be strong and teach them, as a parent it is our job to do that and yes it sucks sonetimes.
Hugs...breathe.
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Post by nyxish on May 25, 2015 22:45:42 GMT
Just because he is becoming an adult and stepping into the world of being a sexual being doesn't make him less your son, or less a good person raised with good values.
Also this. Apparently you have forgotten what it was to be a teenage girl yourself and have forgotten that you had just the same urges boys do...even if you reacted differently. i sincerely hope when you talk to your son about this, you don't continue blaming this girl, even if she was more experienced/open to talking about it.
The issues you bring up about her ex are worrisome, but *She's also 15* - you can't expect the emotional maturity/relationship maturity of adults from 15 year olds.
While it shows poor judgement, exploring sexuality via just texting is way better then sneaking off and trying it out in person, no?
Honestly, when i was in HS, i could talk a lot of BS with a couple of my friends that i was very close with. i never followed it up, but if you were to have overheard us flirting, you'd probably think i had been sleeping around since i was 12. (which i did not) It was a "safe" way to explore and try to come to terms with all the emotions, hormones, mixed messages, bad advice, and most hilariously to ask each other about things: he would ask me about things his guy friends swore up and down to be truth about women and i would ask him about things my female friends said about guys...and we would laugh until we fell over.
Your son as a sexual being doesn't make him less your son. You are a sexual being, are you not? You are still a good person. Your husband is as well, and he is a good man. No? Some of the best most grounded people i know started having sex very young and have slept around a lot... some of them did not.
Talk to him about using good judgement about internet things. Tell him you are concerned he will move to fast and talk to him about responsibility and consequences. Expect that he will make you proud, even if he makes choices you would wish he did not. And don't blame girls - he's growing up. It's part of growing up. He's going to be his own person.
also, OP, i know you've got a lot of harsh comments here, and while i agree with them in theory i can just imagine it's been very hard to read. So big hugs to you if you are still reading any of this.... sometimes it's not just the kids that change as they grow up...they force us to change and grow up too. You can do this. Love your son, be proud of you, get a grip and it will be ok.
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? He's 15. Make sure he knows how condoms work. Make sure he knows that they are not 100% fail safe. That's your job as a parent. 
My parents showed a ton of affection (still married - 61 years!) and their bedroom door was locked every Sunday morning (always knocking wanting to know what time we were going to church). You think I would have figured it out, but it wasn't discussed. My parents were much more open to conversation after my brother got his girlfriend pg 38 years ago. I don't remember ever discussing sex with friends. Believe me, it should have been discussed, because my bff got pregnant right out of the high school. 
Girls are not evil seductresses who have magic powers to corrupt your perfect little boy.
