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Post by blarneygirl on May 25, 2015 23:11:21 GMT
I don't have much more to add, except to say life has gotten much more complicated with regard to parenting since the internet, phones with texting capabilities and more recently, smart phones. Kids haven't changed with their interest in sex, but access is much easier. Not only is it easier, but it can be constant if there are no boundaries or rules regarding when kids are connected through their phones.
I had a boyfriend when I was your son's age. I'm not sure if I would have engaged in sexting at his age, but certainly at the time, the closest I could come to it was trying to stretch that kitchen phone cord as far as I could away from my mother so she couldn't hear what I was saying (and probably the raciest thing I was comfortable with while she was that close was "I can't wait to see you tomorrow!") Then I hung up the phone and that was that until I saw him at school.
It's a careful dance between what we want, what they want and keeping lines of communication open. As a separate issue, since you son does have a girlfriend, I don't think there's anything wrong with setting rules. I did have tighter rules for my now college aged son when he had a girlfriend when he was you son's age, and that included turning his phone off (and parking it in a designated spot). Not really because of what he might be texting, but because I wanted him unplugged from what seemed to be *constant social distractions.
My personal feeling is kids haven't changed, but access has changed, and I don't have to be the conduit for it by offering the privilege of a smart phone.
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Post by maryland on May 25, 2015 23:28:50 GMT
I have a friend who is going through something very similar with her just turned 15 yr. old daughter. I will show her this thread (she occasionally lurks). I think it will help her to feel better that her daughter is a completely normal teen and not to shame her. But instead to teach her to be safe like many other peas seem to do with their daughters/sons.
One pea mentioned something about teaching her teen to be safe, legal and happy! Exactly what I teach my girls! It's been a long time, but I completely remember what it was like to be a 15 yr. old girl!
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tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,378
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on May 26, 2015 0:01:11 GMT
At 15 children are just hormones with legs. I am not surprised they are sexting, I am surprised at your reaction though. You and your DH definitely need to chill a little bit before you talk to him. I agree with all the others that you need to talk to him about birth control, prevention of STIs, consensual sex, etc. It isn't easy but it does need to be done. Good luck.
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johnnysmom
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,684
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on May 26, 2015 0:03:37 GMT
I'd ask that awesome youth minister to speak with him as well. why on earth is this anyone else's business?? If/when and with whom your son has sex with is his business and his business alone. Please keep the information you found to yourself and most especially within your immediate family.
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Post by mikewozowski on May 26, 2015 0:17:22 GMT
your son is probably just as disgusted that you and your husband have sex, but he still loves you.
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lesley
Drama Llama
My best friend Turriff, desperately missed.
Posts: 7,296
Location: Scotland, Scotland, Scotland
Jul 6, 2014 21:50:44 GMT
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Post by lesley on May 26, 2015 0:22:32 GMT
your son is probably just as disgusted that you and your husband have sex, but he still loves you.
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Nink
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,955
Location: North Idaho
Jul 1, 2014 23:30:44 GMT
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Post by Nink on May 26, 2015 0:22:53 GMT
I'd ask that awesome youth minister to speak with him as well. why on earth is this anyone else's business?? If/when and with whom your son has sex with is his business and his business alone. Please keep the information you found to yourself and most especially within your immediate family. Agreed. If my parents would have done this it would have sent me so far in the other direction, I can't even tell you.
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Post by bc2ca on May 26, 2015 0:34:48 GMT
your son is probably just as disgusted that you and your husband have sex, but he still loves you. OMG that did make me LOL Way back when DS was first really understanding what sex was all about, he was full of questions. One day he asked me "when do people stop having sex?" like he'd just realized there must be an expiration point when you weren't young & fun or having kids. I told him that might be a good question for grandpa because I sure didn't know the answer. His eyes kind of widened as he processed the fact that his old, nonreproducing parents might still be enjoying themselves and that was it for questions that day.
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Post by jumperhop on May 26, 2015 0:38:00 GMT
I am to stupid at the moment to figure out how to write after you quote, not before. I am thinking about this. On one hand I agree, having having a strong foundation is essential. I guess it really depends on why you are being Moral. Is it to prevent pregnancy and diseases? Or is it for religious reasons? For me if it's for religious reasons being moral is based on a relationship and love you have for God and your desire to obey him. I think it's harder to stay moral when you bombarded with sexual images and media is teaching you sex is okay. Jen
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 11:16:33 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2015 0:43:00 GMT
Well, first off, I need to thank some of you for your thought provoking replies. Others of you, way to kick someone when they're down. Telling me to get real, stop being immature, can't believe I'm overreacting.
Tell me, if you discovered something that your kid was doing, that you'd never expect them to be doing, wouldn't it throw you for a loop too?
I want to clarify some things that have been said in the replies, not that I really need to, but rather than sitting here upset, I want to get these off my chest:
1. I am not disgusted with my son, I am disgusted with the behavior. As I said earlier, I will not go in to all the gory details, but seeing that my son is talking about her vagina and she's talking about going down on him, etc. all in VERY graphic detail is behavior that disgusts me.
2. Why does this behavior disgust me? He is a newly turned 15 year old who just a few weeks ago (up until about a week after they started "going together") was 100% into his video games and hanging with his buddies. He is a young 15 year old, still immature in many ways. That he knows so much detail about sexual acts surprises me. I feel he is too young to become so involved so quickly. He needs to be focused on school, family, friends, chores, youth group, etc. Not on sexual acts.
3. The two of them have only been going together 2 weeks. Things started out shy, like I said. They talked about their day at school, he told her about how he was excited to be a church camp counselor for a week this summer, he talked about his video games, she talked about her friends... on and on. Then, just like that, she suggested inappropriate things and their innocent back and forth turned inappropriate.
4. I am not suggesting that she is the evil one and my son is innocent. He did participate. but it was this girl who made the suggestions first, dropping hints and inuendos. He was truly clueless in his texts as to what she was talking about. When she exjplained in detail, he often said "oh, ok." He would not have been the one to start these type of conversations, I do know that in my heart. From his behavior when we had the talk in 5th grade, when I tried to see if he had questions when I was pregnant with his sibling in 1st grade, and all the times in between that I've brought up intimate things and tried to start a conversation or just give him an opening to ask questions, he's always gotten weird and clammed up. I've talked and asked and he's always just sat there. So, knowing him like I do, that he gets embarrassed, it's surprising that he's going into such great detail about sexual acts back and forth with this gir.
5. Don't you think that 2 weeks of walking in the halls to class together and then this stuff is moving fast??? I do.
6. Some suggested that I have an attitude about sex and that I better talk to him as it seems as if I haven't. I have, see 4 above. When I was pregnant with sibling, I would often mention things about the baby growing inside me (in terms a 6 yr old would understand). I'd ask if he wondered anything about the baby, how it got in there, how it was getting out, on and on... little bits here and there, not all at once. He would tell me "nope" and change the subject. When we got our dog fixed when DS was in 5th. I used it as a spring board to have the talk with him. I asked if he knew why we were getting "dog" fixed and he said no. So we talked about the boy dog's part in making a puppy and also very briefly about how. We talked about how humans are kind of the same in that it takes 2 to make a baby, and it went from there. He sat and listened, beet red the whole time. I stopped throughout to see if he had questions, "nope." From there until now, I've brought things up when we're alone together and tried to get discussions started, nada. I personally have a healthy attitude toward sex. DH and I have known each other since we were in elementary school (families were friends). We grew up together and dated on and off in HS. Then I went to college and dated someone else. DH and I got back together and eventually married. We chose to wait until marriage to be intimate. It was how we were raised and what we believed. It is what we've always talked to our kids about and let them know how we feel about it. Just as parents talk to kids about their attitude towards drugs and drinking, we also talked to him about our feelings about sex.
Now, as I said, I'm not naïve. I know he's 15 and having sexual feelings. As I said, I always knock when his door is closed and ask if I can come in. I know what he's probably doing during those 30 minute showers. I'm not dumb. I know he's a normal teen boy and that he's probably been doing this for a while. I'm ok with that. I am not ok with a 15 year old having sex. I am not ok with 2 teens to be texting such explicit things back and forth. I don't care that it's what kids are doing now. This is MY kid and I am just sad that he's getting so involved in these things so fast.
7. As I also stated in my op, this girl states to DS that she's been sexually active. I know DS has not, this is his first girlfriend. When they started "going together" 2 weeks ago, it took him DAYS to get up the nerve to hold her hand. How do you go from that to what they're doing now. This girl initiated the conversation, DS took part in it. But in some of the other messages I read, he was talking about mundane stuff... chores, brushing his teeth, what we had for dinner, homework, youth group, playing football outside with the neighbors, etc. And she was the one in each instance to turn the conversation to sex acts. She has experience, he doesn't. But, she's making sure to educate him. Like I said, when she says certain things and asks him if he knows, he often stated he didn't and she'd explain. That's why I feel like she's corrupting him. Yes, he is texting back, yes he is participating. But in each instance I read, she started the conversation. That is why I am upset with her. I know he's not a baby, he's a teen. But he was a teen that was somewhat innocent in many regards of sex (as I saw by him telling her he didn't know what she meant and then her explaining things to him.)
I am equally upset with both of them, but sad that she is teaching him things that he doesn't need to know about right now.
8. I have not confronted him about this, neither has DH. We've been talking and thinking and praying about the right way to handle the situation. I'm not going to shame him, it makes me sad that some have suggested that. Yes, I'm upset and disheartened and feel differently at the moment, but he's my son and I love him with all my heart. He has no clue that I am feeling this way. I've been my usual attentive self with him. Joking around, hugging him, talking about his video games, wrestling, etc. Things that are important to him.
9. DH and I have decided not to tell him we read his texts. Not sure yet exactly what we'll say/do. I know that I'll probably bring up the fact that this is his first girlfriend, this is an exciting time in his life but also how important it is to be responsible and take it from there.
10. I am not handing him a box of condoms. That, to me is saying that here you go, I condone this. I do not. I am going to make sure that for this summer, when they are together it is only here at our home. I know her parents are rarely home, from things DS told me as well as things I read in texts. So, they can hang out here or go up to the street fair and walk around. I will not give them an opportunity to be alone together, so for the next little while at least, we will do this and then take it from there.
11. Someone made a comment to my statement about her showing the texts to friends. They asked if I met her and how did I know that she'd do that. Well, in the texts back and forth, a few times she said, "Oh, BFF is here. Then suddenly BFF had the phone and was texting with my DS. In one text, she said "BFF said to tell you to go eat some pus*y." If this girl shares what they've texted back and forth, that is harmful to my DS reputation. What if they break up and she wants to get even? Don't know if that would happen, but a possibility. I want my DS to know that these can be permanent and harmful. But, this going to be difficult being that I don't want him to know I've read.
12. I am not going to tell him I've read his texts and I am going to continue to check his texts nightly. I want to be able to see what is going on. He won't lose trust if he doesn't know. As his mom, it's my job to make sure that he's safe, mentally ok and physically too.
13. As I said, I will be talking with him, just not sure how yet. I'm going to take a few days to think on this. I will not let him know I'm upset or disappointed. I am going to take the suggestions from several peas on conversation ideas.
Thank you for letting me go on and on. I just wanted to clarify some things that people are bringing up in their replies.
I know that some of you feel the same as I do and I know that some of you don't. That's what makes us unique and we are each entitled to our own opinion. I know some of you think I should just accept that he's a teen and that teens are going to do what they're going to do. But, I don't feel that way and as his mom, it's my job to raise him in the best way I see fit. Letting him know that I love him and support him but that I hope he'll wait until he's older to step into something like sex is how I feel and what I'm going to do.
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johnnysmom
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,684
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on May 26, 2015 0:49:06 GMT
why on earth is this anyone else's business?? If/when and with whom your son has sex with is his business and his business alone. Please keep the information you found to yourself and most especially within your immediate family. Agreed. If my parents would have done this it would have sent me so far in the other direction, I can't even tell you. My parents *did* do that and the result was exactly what you'd expect.
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 11:16:33 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2015 0:49:58 GMT
your son is probably just as disgusted that you and your husband have sex, but he still loves you. Aren't all teenagers disgusted by that thought?
The difference between DS having sex and DH and I is that DH and I are in a committed relationship...not one that started TWO weeks ago and went from being shy about hand holding to graphic detail about sexual acts. Additionally, DH and I are responsible adults. DS is a teen, not very responsible , heck he can't even remember to do his one or two chores a day without 3 reminders. He forgets homework at school. I don't believe he's ready to handle all that comes with that act.
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Post by crimsoncat05 on May 26, 2015 1:00:56 GMT
I don't remmeber the timeframe you wrote in the original post, but could they not have been flirting, talking, etc for quite a while before the two weeks ago when they started officially 'going' together? I"m not condoning the sexting in and of itself, of course, but quite possibly his relationship with her is not as 'new' as the timeframe you're talking about, which wouldn't make it as quick to escalate to talking about these things as you think.
and please remember that 'talking' does not equate 'doing' at all; if he's as shy / naive as you say, it could be just the opposite-- he might be a much bigger 'talker' in writing (so to speak) than he would ever think about doing.
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Post by nurseypants on May 26, 2015 1:06:14 GMT
Nicoli, you are doing everything wrong. Good luck and enjoy your grandchild.
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 11:16:33 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2015 1:06:58 GMT
I'd be alarmed to think that my 15 year old child had gone from "shy" to sexting in 2 weeks, but I also think you might be over-estimating his degree of "shyness" before this all started. Do you honestly believe that you can know the urges and desires of a 15 year old boy, as his mom, because of the way he talked to YOU about YOU being pregnant or your DOG getting neutered... YEARS ago?
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luckyexwife
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Posts: 3,069
Jun 25, 2014 21:21:08 GMT
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Post by luckyexwife on May 26, 2015 1:10:57 GMT
#10... letting them walk around the street fair provides ample time for them to have sex.
I agree, you shouldn't just hand over a box of condoms, but thinking you can chaperone every second is not realistic. I would make condoms available, along with some honest discussions.
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gsquaredmom
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Posts: 4,092
Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
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Post by gsquaredmom on May 26, 2015 1:13:51 GMT
When my son started dating, I gave him a box of condoms and asked if he needed help figuring out how to use them. We talked about choices, respect, responsibility, etc. and how sex is special, etc. We discussed how his choices were his to make, and I wanted him to be prepared. I told him I did not want him bringing home diseases or babies, but even if that happened, we would work it out.
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stittsygirl
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Jun 25, 2014 19:57:33 GMT
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Post by stittsygirl on May 26, 2015 1:14:21 GMT
The mother of my best friend growing up (devout Mormons) refused to get birth control for her 12 year-old daughter when she requested it, believing it would be condoning the possibility of sex (and, understandably, she was only 12 - what could she possibly know about sex, right?). That girl gave birth to her first child at 13. She gave birth to another child at 16. I think you're fooling yourself if you don't think they'll find a way to fool around.
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Post by elaine on May 26, 2015 1:20:02 GMT
I guess I would say that being strong in terms of faith and refusing to give birth control to her daughter didn't work out very well for Sarah Palin who became a grandmother when her daughter was 17. While you might think having sex at his age is too young, it doesn't mean it won't happen. Giving him condoms won't sway him to have sex, just like whatever you say or do won't stop him from having sex if he wants to.
Of course he is irresponsible. He is a teenage boy. Irresponsible teens having been having sex since the beginning of humankind. And because he is irresponsible, it is your duty as a parent to try to encourage acting responsible sexually - namely, use condoms every single time.
Of course he is going to know that you read his texts the minute you open your mouth about the topic. He's not stupid. Who do you think he might have learned the philosophy of "what mom doesn't know what hurt her? Or cause her to distrust me?" If you don't tell him that 1) you read his texts in the past and 2) that you will continue to read them, then don't be surprised, shocked, disgusted or feel betrayed when he continues to act in ways you don't approve of and does everything in his power to hide it from you.
I think your unwillingness to be honest with him disturbs me the most in the more recent numbered update.
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caro
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Refupea 1130
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Jun 26, 2014 14:10:36 GMT
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Post by caro on May 26, 2015 1:24:54 GMT
Nicoli, you are doing everything wrong. Good luck and enjoy your grandchild. Nicoli. No you are not doing everything wrong. You are trying to handle a new situation that is very difficult. Sexting is being brave behind the keyboard. Just like some people on this msg board. Keep your DS busy this summer with little time for the girlfriend and always be just around the corner when they are together. It does sound like your DS is young and I know you want to keep it that way as long as possible.......within reason. It is very difficult to raise kids in this day of technology
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 11:16:33 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2015 1:27:34 GMT
I agree w/ Compwalla. But I also think a conversation about texts being permanent is in order. Also a very direct talk about sending inappropriate photos, kiddy porn (even if it's of himself), etc needs to be had right away. Absolutely! We have asked in the past if he knows what sexting is (inappropriate pictures). There was an issue of that locally and the one sending as well as the one receiving both went to jail.
We went to a thing held by the local police dept. about the innocent things you see in kids rooms and how they can actually be something and they covered, drugs, alcohol, sexting, etc. \
The cops said that it is a law and whether you are the sender or receiver, it is illegal to do both. And you can be labeled a sex offender.
Good point to talk about texts being permanent. What if she's showing her friends what he's writing. I can see her doing that. DS, not so much. He and his buddies (at least his buddies, him not so much now) are pretty wholesome kids.
I am bothered by much that you've posted, but this pretty much sums it up. I know as parents, we are quick to see the bad in all the other kids and believe that our kids are perfect (and wholesome) The way you're speaking about this girl that you hardly know disturbs me. One could guess that if her mom sees what your son is texting, that she could say the exact same thing about your son. And the comment about his buddies being "wholesome". Oh my. Is this your only child or at least the oldest child? You seem very out of touch and while one does not have to condone sexting, you seem to be way out of your league and I can hear the blades overhead.
I agree with the person who posted that this is his sexuality. At some point, you HAVE to realize that it's not for you to control...church...faith..."being wholesome" or not. It's not up to you. The best thing you can do is educate your son about being appropriate, the permanence of the internet, exchanging naked photos, and last but certainly not least, using protection if he chooses to have sex.
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Post by greenlegume on May 26, 2015 1:29:02 GMT
Anything I would say at this point has already been said.
It's obvious all of this was just a giant PVM. It's really is ok to put that in your thread titles. It's a lot more honest and respectable.
Good luck. You're certainly going to need it, because luck might be the only thing that will actually help you out.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 11:16:33 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2015 1:55:31 GMT
Well, first off, I need to thank some of you for your thought provoking replies. Others of you, way to kick someone when they're down. Telling me to get real, stop being immature, can't believe I'm overreacting. Tell me, if you discovered something that your kid was doing, that you'd never expect them to be doing, wouldn't it throw you for a loop too? I want to clarify some things that have been said in the replies, not that I really need to, but rather than sitting here upset, I want to get these off my chest: 1. I am not disgusted with my son, I am disgusted with the behavior. As I said earlier, I will not go in to all the gory details, but seeing that my son is talking about her vagina and she's talking about going down on him, etc. all in VERY graphic detail is behavior that disgusts me. 2. Why does this behavior disgust me? He is a newly turned 15 year old who just a few weeks ago (up until about a week after they started "going together") was 100% into his video games and hanging with his buddies. He is a young 15 year old, still immature in many ways. That he knows so much detail about sexual acts surprises me. I feel he is too young to become so involved so quickly. He needs to be focused on school, family, friends, chores, youth group, etc. Not on sexual acts.
3. The two of them have only been going together 2 weeks. Things started out shy, like I said. They talked about their day at school, he told her about how he was excited to be a church camp counselor for a week this summer, he talked about his video games, she talked about her friends... on and on. Then, just like that, she suggested inappropriate things and their innocent back and forth turned inappropriate.
4. I am not suggesting that she is the evil one and my son is innocent. He did participate. but it was this girl who made the suggestions first, dropping hints and inuendos. He was truly clueless in his texts as to what she was talking about. When she exjplained in detail, he often said "oh, ok." He would not have been the one to start these type of conversations, I do know that in my heart. From his behavior when we had the talk in 5th grade, when I tried to see if he had questions when I was pregnant with his sibling in 1st grade, and all the times in between that I've brought up intimate things and tried to start a conversation or just give him an opening to ask questions, he's always gotten weird and clammed up. I've talked and asked and he's always just sat there. So, knowing him like I do, that he gets embarrassed, it's surprising that he's going into such great detail about sexual acts back and forth with this gir. 5. Don't you think that 2 weeks of walking in the halls to class together and then this stuff is moving fast??? I do. 6. Some suggested that I have an attitude about sex and that I better talk to him as it seems as if I haven't. I have, see 4 above. When I was pregnant with sibling, I would often mention things about the baby growing inside me (in terms a 6 yr old would understand). I'd ask if he wondered anything about the baby, how it got in there, how it was getting out, on and on... little bits here and there, not all at once. He would tell me "nope" and change the subject. When we got our dog fixed when DS was in 5th. I used it as a spring board to have the talk with him. I asked if he knew why we were getting "dog" fixed and he said no. So we talked about the boy dog's part in making a puppy and also very briefly about how. We talked about how humans are kind of the same in that it takes 2 to make a baby, and it went from there. He sat and listened, beet red the whole time. I stopped throughout to see if he had questions, "nope." From there until now, I've brought things up when we're alone together and tried to get discussions started, nada. I personally have a healthy attitude toward sex. DH and I have known each other since we were in elementary school (families were friends). We grew up together and dated on and off in HS. Then I went to college and dated someone else. DH and I got back together and eventually married. We chose to wait until marriage to be intimate. It was how we were raised and what we believed. It is what we've always talked to our kids about and let them know how we feel about it. Just as parents talk to kids about their attitude towards drugs and drinking, we also talked to him about our feelings about sex. Now, as I said, I'm not naïve. I know he's 15 and having sexual feelings. As I said, I always knock when his door is closed and ask if I can come in. I know what he's probably doing during those 30 minute showers. I'm not dumb. I know he's a normal teen boy and that he's probably been doing this for a while. I'm ok with that. I am not ok with a 15 year old having sex. I am not ok with 2 teens to be texting such explicit things back and forth. I don't care that it's what kids are doing now. This is MY kid and I am just sad that he's getting so involved in these things so fast. 7. As I also stated in my op, this girl states to DS that she's been sexually active. I know DS has not, this is his first girlfriend. When they started "going together" 2 weeks ago, it took him DAYS to get up the nerve to hold her hand. How do you go from that to what they're doing now. This girl initiated the conversation, DS took part in it. But in some of the other messages I read, he was talking about mundane stuff... chores, brushing his teeth, what we had for dinner, homework, youth group, playing football outside with the neighbors, etc. And she was the one in each instance to turn the conversation to sex acts. She has experience, he doesn't. But, she's making sure to educate him. Like I said, when she says certain things and asks him if he knows, he often stated he didn't and she'd explain. That's why I feel like she's corrupting him. Yes, he is texting back, yes he is participating. But in each instance I read, she started the conversation. That is why I am upset with her. I know he's not a baby, he's a teen. But he was a teen that was somewhat innocent in many regards of sex (as I saw by him telling her he didn't know what she meant and then her explaining things to him.) I am equally upset with both of them, but sad that she is teaching him things that he doesn't need to know about right now. 8. I have not confronted him about this, neither has DH. We've been talking and thinking and praying about the right way to handle the situation. I'm not going to shame him, it makes me sad that some have suggested that. Yes, I'm upset and disheartened and feel differently at the moment, but he's my son and I love him with all my heart. He has no clue that I am feeling this way. I've been my usual attentive self with him. Joking around, hugging him, talking about his video games, wrestling, etc. Things that are important to him. 9. DH and I have decided not to tell him we read his texts. Not sure yet exactly what we'll say/do. I know that I'll probably bring up the fact that this is his first girlfriend, this is an exciting time in his life but also how important it is to be responsible and take it from there. 10. I am not handing him a box of condoms. That, to me is saying that here you go, I condone this. I do not. I am going to make sure that for this summer, when they are together it is only here at our home. I know her parents are rarely home, from things DS told me as well as things I read in texts. So, they can hang out here or go up to the street fair and walk around. I will not give them an opportunity to be alone together, so for the next little while at least, we will do this and then take it from there.
11. Someone made a comment to my statement about her showing the texts to friends. They asked if I met her and how did I know that she'd do that. Well, in the texts back and forth, a few times she said, "Oh, BFF is here. Then suddenly BFF had the phone and was texting with my DS. In one text, she said "BFF said to tell you to go eat some pus*y." If this girl shares what they've texted back and forth, that is harmful to my DS reputation. What if they break up and she wants to get even? Don't know if that would happen, but a possibility. I want my DS to know that these can be permanent and harmful. But, this going to be difficult being that I don't want him to know I've read. 12. I am not going to tell him I've read his texts and I am going to continue to check his texts nightly. I want to be able to see what is going on. He won't lose trust if he doesn't know. As his mom, it's my job to make sure that he's safe, mentally ok and physically too. 13. As I said, I will be talking with him, just not sure how yet. I'm going to take a few days to think on this. I will not let him know I'm upset or disappointed. I am going to take the suggestions from several peas on conversation ideas. Thank you for letting me go on and on. I just wanted to clarify some things that people are bringing up in their replies. I know that some of you feel the same as I do and I know that some of you don't. That's what makes us unique and we are each entitled to our own opinion. I know some of you think I should just accept that he's a teen and that teens are going to do what they're going to do. But, I don't feel that way and as his mom, it's my job to raise him in the best way I see fit. Letting him know that I love him and support him but that I hope he'll wait until he's older to step into something like sex is how I feel and what I'm going to do. Bolded interesting things. I do wonder how you're so sure he was so "innocent" and "wholesome" just a few weeks ago. Again, I think you're judging this girl and think you're dead wrong to do so.
Good luck, Grandma. You're going to need it. Better yet, your son, and other child are going to need it. I think you need to look into your own heart and do some praying with your attitude before you even worry about your son or this awful, trampy, girl who is solely responsible for your son's sexuality. He's got no control over it. It's all her.
It makes me sick to see someone who professes such faith that you clearly do, behave and act like this and have this attitude that you do.
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Post by Kelpea on May 26, 2015 1:59:23 GMT
Lol; did you forget about the 60s? THAT'S when parents started flipping shit about the sexual revolution; it's a direct result of the invention of The Pill. It galvanized people into free love. The music, the literature, the movies, it was ALL there.
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 11:16:33 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2015 1:59:43 GMT
OP I would recommend this movie for you to contemplate what you are facing www.imdb.com/title/tt3179568/in particular the Jennifer Garner role. not saying you are her, but I think you may identify with her which might help you to approach things
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Post by Kelpea on May 26, 2015 2:03:51 GMT
I am really sorry for this statement. I believe you are making a terrible mistake. My friend's son, also just turned 15, lost his virginity with a young lady at a playground when both their parents thought they were not together. She's now pregnant. My point is this: when there's a will, there is definitely a WAY.
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Post by ntsf on May 26, 2015 2:05:46 GMT
because he is a irresponsible teen...he should have condoms so if he makes a dumb move, it will not be a harmful one. not having them will not stop sexual activity. just makes it more risky. ..whose son is glad he grew up before all the sexting...and that I didn't know all that went on in high school..
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 11:16:33 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2015 2:05:53 GMT
Well, first off, I need to thank some of you for your thought provoking replies. Others of you, way to kick someone when they're down. Telling me to get real, stop being immature, can't believe I'm overreacting. Tell me, if you discovered something that your kid was doing, that you'd never expect them to be doing, wouldn't it throw you for a loop too? I want to clarify some things that have been said in the replies, not that I really need to, but rather than sitting here upset, I want to get these off my chest: 1. I am not disgusted with my son, I am disgusted with the behavior. As I said earlier, I will not go in to all the gory details, but seeing that my son is talking about her vagina and she's talking about going down on him, etc. all in VERY graphic detail is behavior that disgusts me. 2. Why does this behavior disgust me? He is a newly turned 15 year old who just a few weeks ago (up until about a week after they started "going together") was 100% into his video games and hanging with his buddies. He is a young 15 year old, still immature in many ways. That he knows so much detail about sexual acts surprises me. I feel he is too young to become so involved so quickly. He needs to be focused on school, family, friends, chores, youth group, etc. Not on sexual acts. 3. The two of them have only been going together 2 weeks. Things started out shy, like I said. They talked about their day at school, he told her about how he was excited to be a church camp counselor for a week this summer, he talked about his video games, she talked about her friends... on and on. Then, just like that, she suggested inappropriate things and their innocent back and forth turned inappropriate. 4. I am not suggesting that she is the evil one and my son is innocent. He did participate. but it was this girl who made the suggestions first, dropping hints and inuendos. He was truly clueless in his texts as to what she was talking about. When she exjplained in detail, he often said "oh, ok." He would not have been the one to start these type of conversations, I do know that in my heart. From his behavior when we had the talk in 5th grade, when I tried to see if he had questions when I was pregnant with his sibling in 1st grade, and all the times in between that I've brought up intimate things and tried to start a conversation or just give him an opening to ask questions, he's always gotten weird and clammed up. I've talked and asked and he's always just sat there. So, knowing him like I do, that he gets embarrassed, it's surprising that he's going into such great detail about sexual acts back and forth with this gir. 5. Don't you think that 2 weeks of walking in the halls to class together and then this stuff is moving fast??? I do. 6. Some suggested that I have an attitude about sex and that I better talk to him as it seems as if I haven't. I have, see 4 above. When I was pregnant with sibling, I would often mention things about the baby growing inside me (in terms a 6 yr old would understand). I'd ask if he wondered anything about the baby, how it got in there, how it was getting out, on and on... little bits here and there, not all at once. He would tell me "nope" and change the subject. When we got our dog fixed when DS was in 5th. I used it as a spring board to have the talk with him. I asked if he knew why we were getting "dog" fixed and he said no. So we talked about the boy dog's part in making a puppy and also very briefly about how. We talked about how humans are kind of the same in that it takes 2 to make a baby, and it went from there. He sat and listened, beet red the whole time. I stopped throughout to see if he had questions, "nope." From there until now, I've brought things up when we're alone together and tried to get discussions started, nada. I personally have a healthy attitude toward sex. DH and I have known each other since we were in elementary school (families were friends). We grew up together and dated on and off in HS. Then I went to college and dated someone else. DH and I got back together and eventually married. We chose to wait until marriage to be intimate. It was how we were raised and what we believed. It is what we've always talked to our kids about and let them know how we feel about it. Just as parents talk to kids about their attitude towards drugs and drinking, we also talked to him about our feelings about sex. Now, as I said, I'm not naïve. I know he's 15 and having sexual feelings. As I said, I always knock when his door is closed and ask if I can come in. I know what he's probably doing during those 30 minute showers. I'm not dumb. I know he's a normal teen boy and that he's probably been doing this for a while. I'm ok with that. I am not ok with a 15 year old having sex. I am not ok with 2 teens to be texting such explicit things back and forth. I don't care that it's what kids are doing now. This is MY kid and I am just sad that he's getting so involved in these things so fast. 7. As I also stated in my op, this girl states to DS that she's been sexually active. I know DS has not, this is his first girlfriend. When they started "going together" 2 weeks ago, it took him DAYS to get up the nerve to hold her hand. How do you go from that to what they're doing now. This girl initiated the conversation, DS took part in it. But in some of the other messages I read, he was talking about mundane stuff... chores, brushing his teeth, what we had for dinner, homework, youth group, playing football outside with the neighbors, etc. And she was the one in each instance to turn the conversation to sex acts. She has experience, he doesn't. But, she's making sure to educate him. Like I said, when she says certain things and asks him if he knows, he often stated he didn't and she'd explain. That's why I feel like she's corrupting him. Yes, he is texting back, yes he is participating. But in each instance I read, she started the conversation. That is why I am upset with her. I know he's not a baby, he's a teen. But he was a teen that was somewhat innocent in many regards of sex (as I saw by him telling her he didn't know what she meant and then her explaining things to him.) I am equally upset with both of them, but sad that she is teaching him things that he doesn't need to know about right now. 8. I have not confronted him about this, neither has DH. We've been talking and thinking and praying about the right way to handle the situation. I'm not going to shame him, it makes me sad that some have suggested that. Yes, I'm upset and disheartened and feel differently at the moment, but he's my son and I love him with all my heart. He has no clue that I am feeling this way. I've been my usual attentive self with him. Joking around, hugging him, talking about his video games, wrestling, etc. Things that are important to him. 9. DH and I have decided not to tell him we read his texts. Not sure yet exactly what we'll say/do. I know that I'll probably bring up the fact that this is his first girlfriend, this is an exciting time in his life but also how important it is to be responsible and take it from there. 10. I am not handing him a box of condoms. That, to me is saying that here you go, I condone this. I do not. I am going to make sure that for this summer, when they are together it is only here at our home. I know her parents are rarely home, from things DS told me as well as things I read in texts. So, they can hang out here or go up to the street fair and walk around. I will not give them an opportunity to be alone together, so for the next little while at least, we will do this and then take it from there. 11. Someone made a comment to my statement about her showing the texts to friends. They asked if I met her and how did I know that she'd do that. Well, in the texts back and forth, a few times she said, "Oh, BFF is here. Then suddenly BFF had the phone and was texting with my DS. In one text, she said "BFF said to tell you to go eat some pus*y." If this girl shares what they've texted back and forth, that is harmful to my DS reputation. What if they break up and she wants to get even? Don't know if that would happen, but a possibility. I want my DS to know that these can be permanent and harmful. But, this going to be difficult being that I don't want him to know I've read. 12. I am not going to tell him I've read his texts and I am going to continue to check his texts nightly. I want to be able to see what is going on. He won't lose trust if he doesn't know. As his mom, it's my job to make sure that he's safe, mentally ok and physically too. 13. As I said, I will be talking with him, just not sure how yet. I'm going to take a few days to think on this. I will not let him know I'm upset or disappointed. I am going to take the suggestions from several peas on conversation ideas. Thank you for letting me go on and on. I just wanted to clarify some things that people are bringing up in their replies. I know that some of you feel the same as I do and I know that some of you don't. That's what makes us unique and we are each entitled to our own opinion. I know some of you think I should just accept that he's a teen and that teens are going to do what they're going to do. But, I don't feel that way and as his mom, it's my job to raise him in the best way I see fit. Letting him know that I love him and support him but that I hope he'll wait until he's older to step into something like sex is how I feel and what I'm going to do. Wow. SMDH
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Post by shannoots on May 26, 2015 2:11:16 GMT
I just wanted to let you know that I had very similar feelings last year when I found some texts on my son's phone. They weren't quite the same but on the same topic. He was very innocent too. I was pretty upset and it made me think of him in a different way for a bit. After talking to my parents and husband, I started to feel better. It was normal behavior but at the time, I was just shocked because I didn't have any indication that my son was even interested in girls yet (he was a bit younger than your son). I just needed a little time to process it and realize that he was growing up.
Hang in there....I'm sure it was a shock, especially since they haven't been dating very long. Technology makes things a little more complicated than when we were growing up because once it's out there, it's there.
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Oct 7, 2024 11:16:33 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2015 3:09:27 GMT
Funny how OP can whine about "kicking her when she's down" but has absolutely zero problems trashing this teenaged vixen who is 100% responsible for the corruption of her virginal (maybe?) son.
And she's supposed to be the "responsible adult". The "responsible, CHRISTIAN, adult".
Act like it.
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