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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2015 14:25:46 GMT
Sorry - this might get long. But, I need to get it out and hoping for some advice and I don't want to talk to anyone in real life because then I'm sure it will cause them to look at DS differently, like I am right now.
DS is 15 and in 9th grade. Good student (a's and b's). Polite and kind to others but a tendancy to be mouthy with DH and I occasionally. Very into video gaming, which I thought was the worst of our problems. Hangs with 4 really nice young men that he's been friends with since 2nd grade. Goes to church, and very active in youth group. Also, he's not one to talk much and share his feelings, etc. He doesn't ever ask questions about sex, girls, etc. When we had the "talk" he didn't say one word. Some of my friends with boys say that their boys will tell them thngs (ex. ask questions about sex, tell their mom they have a bump on their pen*s, etc). DS would NEVER do any of that with me... he's uncomfortable with that stuff.
So, here goes.
On May 8th he came home from school and said it was an awesome day. I asked him to tell me about it and he said he got a good grade on a test and "oh, yeah, I officially have a girlfriend." I was surprised that 1. he had a girlfriend and 2. he told me! I was so happy he shared. I asked about her and congratulated him and was genuinely happy for him. The next day he showed me a picture of her and in my head, I was like "yes." She is cute, but nerdy looking, so I thought great, a nice wholesome first girlfriend... or so I thought.
Like I said earlier, DS is very into gaming/electronics. He also has a phone and iPod. Before the girlfriend, he'd carry the iPod around some, but leave in his room some. Lately, he has it on him ALL the time. At first, I thought, cute, he wants to be able to text with her when she sends something or he wants to. But something in my gut told me to check his phone/iPod. He doesn't know that I know the passwords.
Some may think that it is an invasion of privacy to check. I never checked before in the 3 years he's had a phone and the 4 years he's had an iPod. But, something kept nagging at me to check. So, last night when he was in the shower, I went in his room and SCORE, it was charging on his night stand (he usually takes it in the bathroom with him.) So, I quickly unlocked it and the first thing to pop up was texts back and forth with the girlfriend.
I skimmed a few just to make sure everything was good... oh my god... I was shocked and horrified and went right to DH... DS and girlfriend are having, for lack of a better word, phone sex via text. I almost cried right there.
We have raised him in a Christian home and any time I've discussed sex we've talked about waiting until marriage. I'm not naïve in thinking that he might eventually do the "deed" before marriage, but I though we had some time. I though he was still shy and innocent. I was wrong.
So we didn't say anything to him, but made him turn it in for the night to charge in our room. That was a rule of ours, but we haven't been enforcing it lately.
We waited until we were sure he was asleep and we looked in to the messages. It took almost 30 minutes to scroll back to the beginning there were so many.
Initially everything was innocent, talking about their day, their family, their church and youth groups. DS even told her about how cool our youth pastor is and how much he loves youth group. It was just normal "chit chat" for a few days.
Then, she eluded to inappropriate things. At first, he was clueless and kept asking her what she meant, or when she'd say something and say "you know what I mean" he'd say not really.
But then he started making inuendos and it all escalated from there. I won't go into the gory details, but suffice it to say that they are referring to it as the story and talking about what they'd do if she was next to him (sneaking into his room at night, which is impossible 'cuz she lives on the other side of town, thank god, and he's on the 2nd floor). She asks how he'd hold her, they go back and forth about his d*ck being hard and going faster and harder and moaning, etc, etc. I believe, from the comments made that they are each pleasuring themselves as they do this, and being open about when they are finished. *SHOCKED*
I was barely able to sleep last night. I feel like I see him differently. I am disgusted, sad and heartbroken. This is NOT ok with me or DH. But, I don't know what to do.
Some other comments that we saw that bother me are: - she talks about her ex boyfriend in some of the texts and how it bothers her to see him with his new girlfriend. She tells DS that she and ex had sex and that's why they had to break up (parents found out). She tells DS she regrets having sex, that she's not like that, blah, blah,blah. But yet she is prompting my kid to have text sex with her. Each time she instigates it from what we can see.
-I am worried that since she's had sex, she'll pressure DS to. I am also worried that she is using DS to get back at ex as she refers to seeing him in the hallway when she and DS are walking to classes. DS, who is not a fighter, acts all big and tough and says things like "we stared each other down in the hall" and "he better not mess with you or I'll take care of it."
-she refers to wanting to die a few times (does she really or is she being a drama queen - not sure because it's a few times and not really seems like she means it)
-she talks about knowing "witch stuff" and doing things to DS
I don't know what to do. I don't want to confront him in the next few days as he has 3 days of final exams coming up. But, I know we'll confront him soon. I plan to take the iPod nightly to charge and check it nightly.
Oh, yeah, when we were looking through messages, some are dated from 1, 2 and 3 am. So def. taking iPod.
I knew, even before we discovered all of this, that they would not be allowed to be alone together. That if he goes there, a parent(s) need to be home and the same here. I thought I'd let them do stuff like go to the street fair here in town, walk to ice cream, etc. though since they'd be in public. Now, I don't even want them together.
I feel like this girl is changing my little boy. I know, he's not little, but he seemed innocent before and now...
I know that when we confront him, if we forbid him to see her, that will just drive him to her more.
I don't know what to do, I just want to cry. Last night, he kept coming in my room (DH and I were watching tv) and I kept looking at him as my heart was crushed.
Maybe I'm making a big deal, but I don't think so. I know that boys have "urges" and I always knock on his bedroom door and ask if I can come in. I know what he's doing during those 30 minute showers. I get it. But this is NOT ok. He is too young to be worrying about these things. I want him to be a teen, work hard in school, hang with friends, enjoy his church youth group. I don't want him obsessing over text sex and being with this girl.
Can anyone offer advice or words of wisdom. Anyone been there? How did you handle this. Or if you've been through girlfriend/boyfriend issues, would you share how you dealt?
I am a sad mommy today.
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Post by compwalla on May 25, 2015 14:31:17 GMT
He is fifteen. Make sure he understands condoms. You cannot control his sexuality; you can only teach him to exercise it responsibly. Young people have been bonking since the dawn of time and no variety of parenting is going to alter that. Pragmatism is safer than your disappointment and any punitive measures you can come up with unless your goal is to be a grandmother.
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johnnysmom
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Post by johnnysmom on May 25, 2015 14:34:52 GMT
I agree w/ Compwalla. But I also think a conversation about texts being permanent is in order. Also a very direct talk about sending inappropriate photos, kiddy porn (even if it's of himself), etc needs to be had right away.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2015 14:37:11 GMT
He is fifteen. Make sure he understands condoms. You cannot control his sexuality; you can only teach him to exercise it responsibly. Young people have been bonking since the dawn of time and no variety of parenting is going to alter that. Pragmatism is safer than your disappointment and any punitive measures you can come up with unless your goal is to be a grandmother. I know young people have been bonking... but he seems so immature in so many ways yet, that I don't know if it's a reality that he can handle.
I don't plan to punish him, but want to know the right way to approach that we know what's going on.
Maybe we are naïve, but we believe strongly in our faith, and waiting to be in a committed relationship (preferably married). I don't think at 15 and dating for 2 weeks, that either of these is a qualifier for a committed relationship.
And, no, I definitely don't want to be a grandma. This boy is lazy... we wanted him to make flyers to pass out to the neighborhood (mostly older people) to do lawn mowing, etc. this summer. I helped him make the flyers a month ago and he still hasn't passed out. We told him that if he plans to start driving, he'll need to pay for gas and insurance and that it might be a good idea to start saving now. He can barely do this, how's he going to afford a baby. And DH and I are in no position financially to help with that.
Sigh...
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carhoch
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Post by carhoch on May 25, 2015 14:38:07 GMT
He is fifteen. Make sure he understands condoms. You cannot control his sexuality; you can only teach him to exercise it responsibly. Young people have been bonking since the dawn of time and no variety of parenting is going to alter that. Pragmatism is safer than your disappointment and any punitive measures you can come up with unless your goal is to be a grandmother.
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AnotherPea
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Post by AnotherPea on May 25, 2015 14:39:05 GMT
Ouch. I'm so sorry. 9th grade is too young for me too.
I will say that conventional wisdom is not always correct. I, and several mothers I know, successfully forbid our kids from seeing bad influences. It doesn't always push kids closer to forbidden fruit.
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gloryjoy
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Post by gloryjoy on May 25, 2015 14:39:53 GMT
I'm not trying to make light of the situation, but you have to come to accept that this is not something that you can control. I agree with compwalla, you have to talk to him about responsibility and protection. I know you are disappointed in your son and in shock. It is a hard thing to come to terms with. I have two son's who are now adults so I know where you are coming from. This doesn't help you at all but I am so glad my son's didn't grow up in the cellphone age. It's a whole other world of parenting out there now. Hugs to you.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2015 14:40:47 GMT
I agree w/ Compwalla. But I also think a conversation about texts being permanent is in order. Also a very direct talk about sending inappropriate photos, kiddy porn (even if it's of himself), etc needs to be had right away. Absolutely! We have asked in the past if he knows what sexting is (inappropriate pictures). There was an issue of that locally and the one sending as well as the one receiving both went to jail.
We went to a thing held by the local police dept. about the innocent things you see in kids rooms and how they can actually be something and they covered, drugs, alcohol, sexting, etc. \
The cops said that it is a law and whether you are the sender or receiver, it is illegal to do both. And you can be labeled a sex offender.
Good point to talk about texts being permanent. What if she's showing her friends what he's writing. I can see her doing that. DS, not so much. He and his buddies (at least his buddies, him not so much now) are pretty wholesome kids.
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Post by gavinsmom on May 25, 2015 14:42:28 GMT
Do we have the same son? My story to a T we've always had very open communication. But my divorce his freshman year...which I did NOT want sent him into a HUGE downward spiral...I feel like it completely changed him you can't control his sexuality and he is an average teenage boy. Try to talk to him in a NONjudgemental way otherwise he will shut you out completely
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2015 14:44:36 GMT
This whole post makes me sad. So much shame. His sexuality is his. The end.
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YooHoot
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Post by YooHoot on May 25, 2015 14:45:29 GMT
Honestly, he's 15. He's almost a sophomore (3 months). While it's probably heartbreaking to read the things you read, it's totally normal. We have to raise our kids differently than we were raised many years ago. Talk to him. Keep an open mind. He knows how you feel so he wouldn't be the first teen to go behind their parents back and doing someone shocking. Buy condoms, have a talk. Warn him about exchanging photos etc. with a minor.
Every single time my girls mentioned someone at school doing something "stupid" we talked about. We used other teens oopsies as a discussion of what they should and shouldn't do. At 16 I put my dd on birth control. I was not ready to be a grandma. She's 20 now, sexually active but smarter with her choices.
And this
YOU believe that, are you sure he does?
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scraptag
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Post by scraptag on May 25, 2015 14:46:01 GMT
Been there recently with my DD. We've done all the proactive things like birth control pills and condoms, that part was easy. It is a lot harder to reconcile what you hope your children will do in terms of having sex, phone sex, and the like. We've never been uptight about sex in our home and have open conversations about it, but as a mom - I still hope she will wait until she's older and can better deal with the consequences.
It is the pictures that did us in though. When we found the pictures, life became a lot more difficult for her and the use of her phone, computer, etc. Pictures on the internet are forever, and I swear we have told her a million times, as well as the classes at school, etc. But for some reason she doesn't think it will happen to her, so now it all gets monitored and she hates it, but it is her new reality for the time being.
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Post by myshelly on May 25, 2015 14:48:05 GMT
I agree with Compwalla.
I really hope you don't let this change your feelings about your son. The fact of the matter is that humans are sexual beings and what he is doing sounds like totally normal exploration. If you overreact now, think about how that sets you up for the rest of the teenage years. You were so excited he told you about the girl friend. Is overreacting now going to lead to him sharing more or hiding more? He is at an age where your interactions with him now are going to shape your adult relationship with him. Choose to love him. Choose to be supportive instead of judgmental. His beliefs don't have to be your beliefs. His values don't have to be your values.
Make sure he has condoms.
Honestly, I started having sex at 15. And you know what? It was actually lovely. And even know as a married adult and mom I don't regret it. Teenage sex doesn't have to be a disaster.
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johnnysmom
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Post by johnnysmom on May 25, 2015 14:48:06 GMT
Please change your thinking on this. He is still the kid you love and raised and he still holds those values. So he's falling for a girl, they are getting close, they may have sex soon. But that shouldn't change the way you see him, it won't change the way others see him. For all you now his friends have been having sex for years, yet you still see them as "wholesome"
I speak from experience. My parents found I was sleeping with my boyfriend when I was 17, almost 18. The way they responded changed our relationship forever. Tread lightly and don't let it change the way you feel about him.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2015 14:50:32 GMT
I actually think you're blowing the whole thing way out of proportion, it's probably all just talk on both sides. You're putting a whole lot of pressure on him to remain a little boy and he isn't anymore.
He is being a teen, sex is a huge part of being a teenager. It's when we figure things out and it all becomes interesting. Talk to him about precautions and safety on both their parts but save the 'I'm so disappointed stuff'.
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Post by myshelly on May 25, 2015 14:51:40 GMT
This whole post makes me sad. So much shame. His sexuality is his. The end. I wish I could like this more than once. So true. The problem here is NOT your son's actions. The problem here is your inappropriate response.
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scraptag
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Post by scraptag on May 25, 2015 14:51:48 GMT
This whole post makes me sad. So much shame. His sexuality is his. The end. There is a difference between sexuality and sharing it in appropriate ways and posting it on the internet or via text message to potentially ruin lives with it.
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stittsygirl
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Post by stittsygirl on May 25, 2015 14:53:00 GMT
Thats a tough spot and I'm sorry you're finding yourself in the middle of it. We're not religious, but I would still have concerns if my own 15 year-old were in the same situation. I agree with what compwalla posted as well. I've stressed with my children safety-responsibily-legality when it comes to anything of a sexual nature, and of course going into detail what they all mean. It sounds like you have as well, and other than trying to be as open and honest with him as you can, so he hopefully doesn't shut you out, I'm not sure there is much more you can do but let him know your concerns.
ETA: I do agree with the shaming mentioned above, which can lead to so much guilt and self-hatred and even careless and unsafe behavior regarding sex. I've been there.
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Post by snappinsami on May 25, 2015 14:54:16 GMT
He is fifteen. Make sure he understands condoms. You cannot control his sexuality; you can only teach him to exercise it responsibly. Young people have been bonking since the dawn of time and no variety of parenting is going to alter that. Pragmatism is safer than your disappointment and any punitive measures you can come up with unless your goal is to be a grandmother. You may still see him as your little boy and feel that he's innocent, but at 15 and in high school, he's being exposed to things that you may not realize. Your and your husband's faith is very strong, but at your son's age, it's natural that he's going to explore things on his own, regardless of the faith that you've raised him with. Make sure he knows about (and has!) condoms. Not that you're condoning his having sex, but if he does - and he may! - you need to make sure he's prepared and protected. Have a discussion with him about sexting, and make sure he knows that what is put out there electronically will be around FOREVER. If things go south with this girl, she can share his messages or screenshot of them, and he could be haunted by them for a long time. Let him know that you have his passwords and will periodically check his messages. (Personally, my freshman DD knows I have her passwords, and I actually have all of her texts come in to my iPad, so even her deleting them on her phone won't make them go away.) IMO, it's not a matter of his privacy. It's a) the device and service is paid for by YOU; b) he's a minor, and as a parent, you have a responsibility to know what he's doing online; and c) it further shows that what happens online isn't private. I've frequently told my DD that she shouldn't put anything online that she wouldn't want her grandparents to read. Of course, that doesn't stop things 100%, but as a parent, you need and have a right to know what's going on. As for the girl herself and his relationship with her, tread carefully. One thing I've noticed with DD's friends this year is that what parents forbid kids to do things, they may as well lead them right to it with breadcrumbs. The girls that are forbidden to date have boyfriends and manage to go out with them - alone - all the time. If you forbid your son to see this girl, he'll still find ways to do it. You just won't know about it. Personally, I'd rather know about it than be in the dark. You can put rules in place that if they're at her house there needs to be at least one parent there, but don't be naive enough to think that your saying it will make it always happen. The more you try to push him away from her, the more he may want to be with her. That's where the treading carefully comes in. IMO you need to educate him as best as you can, but be aware that he will no doubt still want to explore and find things out for himself. Try to keep the lines of communication open with him. It might help him feel more comfortable about talking WITH you about these things, rather than feel like he needs to hide everything from you.
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caro
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Post by caro on May 25, 2015 14:54:13 GMT
You only think your son's friends are wholesome but it may well be going on in their own homes.
After finals, you and your DH need to have a very frank talk to your son about sexting and pictures,etc. and what trouble he could get into. It's very real and he needs a reminder.
At 15 this is all so normal and doesn't make him a bad kid or unwholesome. Please remember that.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2015 14:54:42 GMT
This whole post makes me sad. So much shame. His sexuality is his. The end. There is a difference between sexuality and sharing it in appropriate ways and posting it on the internet or via text message to potentially ruin lives with it. I'm talking about the shame about the girl looked wholesome. The boys are wholesome. We believe that you wait etc. Shes changing him, I'm ashamed blah blah.
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grinningcat
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Post by grinningcat on May 25, 2015 14:56:14 GMT
So you want him to remain a baby boy for his entire life. Equip him for the realities of life. Don't shame him into being the child that you want him to remain, rather than teaching him and empowering him to be the person he has the potential to be.
That you say that you are ashamed and disgusted by the very presence of your son shocks me. You're acting as if this is the end of the world.
Teach him how to be responsible when it comes to sex. Don't shame into the delusion of abstinence being the only choice to be a "good" person. Empower him with ALL the information he needs about sex, everything from abstinence to what to do with birth control. He needs all the information to make an informed decision... not the decision that mommy and daddy expect him to make so that he remains their "wholesome" baby boy. He's been exposed to far more real world stuff than you think, so thinking he's pure, sweet and innocent at 15 is kind of laughable to be honest. He's probably a good kid, but he's probably hiding more than you know.
If my mom ever reacted to me the way you are, I'd be running so far in the opposite direction it wouldn't even be funny. I'm not going to address the privacy breach and the witholding of the information you gleaned from snooping, but be careful how far you go or he probably won't trust you very much after you confront him.
I'm kind of disgusted that you're disgusted with your son over something rather mundane as sex. That he probably hasn't even had yet. Talk is just talk.
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scraptag
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Post by scraptag on May 25, 2015 14:58:48 GMT
There is a difference between sexuality and sharing it in appropriate ways and posting it on the internet or via text message to potentially ruin lives with it. I'm talking about the shame about the girl looked wholesome. The boys are wholesome. We believe that you wait etc. Shes changing him, I'm ashamed blah blah. Yep - I understand that part. Never should we be ashamed about normal feelings our children have.
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YooHoot
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Post by YooHoot on May 25, 2015 15:00:28 GMT
Basically, if this was 1990. You found his porn stash under his mattress. Put it back. Walk away.
(...and find an appropriate time to sit down and have a talk about it)
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Post by bdhudak on May 25, 2015 15:05:28 GMT
We talked to out kids a lot about RESPECT. That he told you he has a girlfriend opens the door to a healthy conversation regarding intimacy and the give and take of dating. Remind him of His role as a member of your family and still meeting commitments at home before the dating takes over his life. Kids will jump to doing things with their friends before checking on family plans. Ask him to invite her to a back yard meal some day at your house. You can see them interact and get a feel for their level of "liking" each other, Once the newness of the relationship wears off he may not want to go steady as we used to call it. Gently remind him she is someones daughter and will be someones mom one day. You can remind him that respect works both ways, and hope that she enjoys his sense of humor and gentleman skills you taught him, we also bluntly told our kids that the five minutes it can take to have "sex", that five minutes of gratification is not worth it without having thought it through. Birth control , diseases - your hope for his healthy long life with no regrets is something he may need to hear, My husband and I take turns with these conversations so the kids got it from both points of views. HUGS to you, and remember to breath, once you jump in to talking it will work out, be calm and speak softly and he will listen better than confronting.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2015 15:09:32 GMT
Totally agree with compwalla. But I can't keep my mouth shut on this one any longer. Your total blame of the girl is mean and wrong. Girls are not evil seductresses who have magic powers to corrupt your perfect little boy. He's fifteen, and he has urges. Don't shame him for that. And quit blaming the girl exclusively. Even if she's not the ideal girlfriend.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2015 15:11:32 GMT
Totally agree with compwalla. But I can't keep my mouth shut on this one any longer. Your total blame of the girl is mean and wrong. Girls are not evil seductresses who have magic powers to corrupt your perfect little boy. He's fifteen, and he has urges. Don't shame him for that. And quit blaming the girl exclusively. Even if she's not the ideal girlfriend. Yes. This is what is bothering me the most.
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Post by gar on May 25, 2015 15:14:32 GMT
He is fifteen. Make sure he understands condoms. You cannot control his sexuality; you can only teach him to exercise it responsibly. Young people have been bonking since the dawn of time and no variety of parenting is going to alter that. Pragmatism is safer than your disappointment and any punitive measures you can come up with unless your goal is to be a grandmother. I know young people have been bonking... but he seems so immature in so many ways yet, that I don't know if it's a reality that he can handle.
I don't plan to punish him, but want to know the right way to approach that we know what's going on.
Maybe we are naïve, but we believe strongly in our faith, and waiting to be in a committed relationship (preferably married). I don't think at 15 and dating for 2 weeks, that either of these is a qualifier for a committed relationship.
And, no, I definitely don't want to be a grandma. This boy is lazy... we wanted him to make flyers to pass out to the neighborhood (mostly older people) to do lawn mowing, etc. this summer. I helped him make the flyers a month ago and he still hasn't passed out. We told him that if he plans to start driving, he'll need to pay for gas and insurance and that it might be a good idea to start saving now. He can barely do this, how's he going to afford a baby. And DH and I are in no position financially to help with that.
Sigh...
You can only think like that for yourself. You can't enforce your beliefs on another person. He has his own mind and presumably he doesn't agree with your criteria. Other than that I agree with Compwalla and a few others. I know you're shocked but get a grip and be careful how you react. And stop blaming the girl entirely. Naive is right, you probably have been so now's the time to realise the reality and to figure out how to handle it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2015 15:14:53 GMT
The only immaturity here is your's.
Reality. He is a teenager. Sex is THE topic of thought at this age. Even if they don't discuss it with their mother/parent. The problem is you were waiting for a train blast from him asking about sexual matters and issues. Chances are good that at some point in time around age 3-4 he broached the topic in a vague way but he sensed some reluctance on your part to discuss them so he he didn't ask again. He has NEVER been to young or too immature. If he didn't ask you needed to have been telling anyway.
Now that you know he isn't an innocent baby any more you, or his dad, need to have a frank and FACTUAL talk with him about sexually transmitted diseases, correct condom usage, and child porn laws that might accidentally impact him.
I grew up in a family that was big on being "sexually pure" It left me ill prepared to deal with my sexuality and my future date's sexualality. Don't go there!! Teach him everything he needs to KNOW. Wrapping him in the proverbial cotton and keeping him sheltered won't protect him.
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Post by rainangel on May 25, 2015 15:27:19 GMT
I think that if your son is 15 years old, you should be thankful for not finding this kind of stuff earlier, and that there were not naked pictures to go with those texts. And they are not having sex. You have so much to be thankful for in this situation, talking with a girl about sex is pretty innocent. I will bet you anything they do not have the guts to actually have real conversations about this, it is easier to be 'brave' on texts.
He is not having sex, the girl admits to REGRET having it before. Have a conversation about how he should protect himself when the time comes. Talk about how you don't appreciate him staying up till 3 a.m. when he should be sleeping, and talk to him about the repercussions that might come from sending actual pictures of himself (it WILL be considered child pornography).
I am sorry that this goes against your personal beliefs, but you have to accept that your son is now a teenager on his way to adulthood very fast. Prepare him for that, don't force him back into an innocent childhood.
Oh, and don't be surprised if he will resent you for looking in his phone without him knowing about it.... I'm not saying you are not entitled to check your underaged son's phone, but he might be resentful for you and your husband reading the most personal and intimate things he has ever written to someone.
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