luckyexwife
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,069
Jun 25, 2014 21:21:08 GMT
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Post by luckyexwife on May 26, 2015 13:51:51 GMT
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Post by knit.pea on May 26, 2015 14:46:12 GMT
I can relate to the #7 update, from my DS's first gf.
With a cell phone, they have 24 hour a day access to each other ... and there is no more getting up the nerve to call someone's house, having Mom answer the phone, stretching the phone cord into the bathroom to have a private conversation, and Mom deciding when the call needs to end. That's how it goes from nothing to se*ting in 2 weeks time.
In DS's case, the gf eventually cheated on him (se*) with their mutual friend. Yeah, great girl.
Just curious how this would play out flipped here with the Peas, though:
Say DD's bf has been se*ually active. Bf is texting DD all sorts of "ideas" for them to do, leading the conversation, but she is definitely participating. Do you get her on bc immediately at 15, because they probably will have se*? Do you try to limit their "alone" time? Is it easier to consider the boy as the initiator, rather than the OP's example of the girl as the initiator?
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on May 26, 2015 14:47:41 GMT
Is it just me or does it look like the OP cut and ran? Her post count is zero and her name isn't a hyperlink.
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likescarrots
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,879
Aug 16, 2014 17:52:53 GMT
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Post by likescarrots on May 26, 2015 14:53:27 GMT
10. I am not handing him a box of condoms. That, to me is saying that here you go, I condone this. I do not. I am going to make sure that for this summer, when they are together it is only here at our home. I know her parents are rarely home, from things DS told me as well as things I read in texts. So, they can hang out here or go up to the street fair and walk around. I will not give them an opportunity to be alone together, so for the next little while at least, we will do this and then take it from there. Do you condone him being a teen dad? Do you condone syphilis, gonorrhea, HIV? I'm guessing not. I'm not trying to add to the pile-on, but I feel like you really, really need to rethink some things. This reminds me of the very recent chlamydia outbreak at the Texas high school with no sex ed.
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Post by stampbooker on May 26, 2015 14:54:47 GMT
There is definitely a double standard going on. From what the op describes the girl just kind of kept pushing the subject, there was some pressure going on. That isn't okay and it isn't the same as voluntary participation. If the roles had been reversed, I don't think the peas reactions would have been the same. If the roles had been reversed and this was actual sex and not just sexting, some people would call that rape or coerced sex. But when it's the girl who's doing the pressuring, then it's okay. Yep, double standard.
Nicoli,
In our family we also teach our children that sex is for marriage. It is of course up to them to make that decision for them self. However when a young person makes a decision and has a conviction to save sex for marriage, or even a committed relationship or even until they are older or whatever, then we should help them be successful and not set them up for failure.
If a person wants to do something different from the culture, they can not expect to do things the same way, yet have a different outcome. That rarely works. So if a young person wants to wait for sex, they need to make choices along the way to support that decision.
Starting to date at 15 is not a choice that supports waiting until marriage.
It is extremely difficult for a teenager to withstand sexual temptation. It is not simply a matter of making a decision and then saying no when the situation presents itself. You need to decide before hand not to put yourself into difficult situations. As a parent it is our job to teach our children how to set yourself up for success.
Yes, if he wants to have sex, he will probably find a way. But even if he doesn't want to have sex, he probably will succumb to the temptation at some point if he doesn't change his approach to dating and relationships.
Julie
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Post by winogirl on May 26, 2015 14:59:24 GMT
Lots of good advice here and I don't have much to add except I grew up in a good Christian home and that didn't stop me from being sexually active by 15. Dh was seduced by a 14 yo girl when he was 12 and brags about it.
If they really want to have sex, they WILL find a way regardless of whether you condone it. If you stand firm on not getting him condoms and she ends up pregnant, then your poor kid is going to be tied to this girl the rest of his life. Is it really worth it?
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Post by stampbooker on May 26, 2015 15:04:55 GMT
It's going to be okay, mom! My ds is 16, and we've dealt with some of this. It's tough, but obviously it's time to come to terms that darling son is no longer just entertained by playing video games. I think the most important thing here is, as many other's have mentioned, is to *not* shame him on his sexual curiosity...because that is totally normal as much as we mama's would like to think it's not. I would address the texting, and maybe in your situation you need to have dh do this. You need to make this a shame free conversation. Just, "Oh, I meant to mention that I checked your text messages the other night & saw some texts to your girlfriend - you want to talk about those?" And then just calmly go over why it may not be the most intelligent thing in the world to text those kinds of things. With my ds they were pretty pornographic for my prude taste, so I just said "every text you write her, you need to keep in mind her dad could check her phone...so, if you've got the balls to have her dad read about your sexual prowess, then by all means, continue, but otherwise, knock it back down to a pg 13 level." And then, I'd let it go & take a deep breath & remind yourself in 3 short years he'll be gone. And that you can check his phone every night but that doesn't mean he's not doing snap chat, or has a secret tumblr, or whatever else that came out 5 minutes ago that we parents have no idea about. So, no more head in sand. From here on out you assume that if he's going anywhere with friends there will be an opportunity to drink, and there will be an opportunity for sex. That is where you are, and where we all eventually get to. (and that even though they may be trying all this stuff out - they can still somehow be wholesome at the same time!) And then, take another deep breath and remind yourself that he makes good grades, has good, solid friends, goes to youth group, and that he isn't a bully or doing heroin or anything else that would be truly horrifying. He's a horny 15 year old. There are far worse things. Nicoli, I hope you are still reading. I just wanted to quote mom2ja2 here, because she gave some excellent advice. You need to talk with your son about what is going on and the only real way to do that is to admit that you read the texts. She gave excellent advice on how to go about that. If you decide not to tell him you read his texts, but suddenly start taking his devices and charging them in your room at night, he is going to figure it out and just start deleting texts, plus he is going to be distrustful of you. That is not what you want. You really do not want to just keep reading his texts every night and not address it. That is a recipe for disaster. Julie
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 11:22:50 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2015 15:15:25 GMT
No one on this thread has said anything of the sort.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 11:22:50 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2015 15:17:01 GMT
Is it just me or does it look like the OP cut and ran? Her post count is zero and her name isn't a hyperlink. Looks like she did. Not a bit surprised. Her maturity level is showing.
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Post by gar on May 26, 2015 15:17:34 GMT
Is it just me or does it look like the OP cut and ran? Her post count is zero and her name isn't a hyperlink. I think you're right. Didn't like the responses obviously.
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Post by anxiousmom on May 26, 2015 15:17:59 GMT
Is it just me or does it look like the OP cut and ran? Her post count is zero and her name isn't a hyperlink. That would be a darn shame...it is an interesting discussion and an incredibly difficult one to have with our kids. I think we all have something to learn from each other-even if it is just learning that it isn't how I want to approach a particular topic. I am of the it's takes a village to raise a child school of thought, which also means that sometimes the village moms who have been there, done that have advice I may not want to listen to. Sucks when it happens too...I get all defensive and want to lash out, but the been there moms have already walked the path and often have some pretty sound advice to pass on. I just have to get over my ego and hear what they are saying.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 11:22:50 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2015 15:24:37 GMT
There is definitely a double standard going on. From what the op describes the girl just kind of kept pushing the subject, there was some pressure going on. That isn't okay and it isn't the same as voluntary participation. If the roles had been reversed, I don't think the peas reactions would have been the same. If the roles had been reversed and this was actual sex and not just sexting, some people would call that rape or coerced sex. But when it's the girl who's doing the pressuring, then it's okay. Yep, double standard. Utter and complete poppycock. The only double standard here was from the OP. Her claims that her son was a hapless, immature, innocent and completely asexual being before this girlfriend are beyond ridiculous. If she thinks her precious baby and his wholesome friends weren't talking about sex and experimenting with sexual stuff in various ways long before this, then she's beyond clueless. Not one person has said that the girl couldn't be a less than ideal girlfriend. But the OP's portrayal of her as completely at fault and as some evil, almost magical seductress is laughable. Even if the girl is a raging slut, that kid is a WILLING participant. OP's inability to handle reality is going to be a serious problem from here on out. And double bullshit to that bolded part. All your IFs are completely irrelevant to this particular scenario. You need a better crystal ball.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 11:22:50 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2015 15:30:42 GMT
For those discussing that having teenage sex isn't a new phenomena.. of course it isn't! There is a reason humans are sexually mature at ages 12 or so... and it's not so we wait another 10 years to start having children! Now, of course I'm not advocating that 12 year olds have sex or babies, but if you can understand that menstruating/ejaculating is a normal biological developmental state, and IS intended for reproduction, then it's less shocking to realize that teens WANT to have sex. They WANT to because our entire biology and evolution depends on it!!
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Nink
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,955
Location: North Idaho
Jul 1, 2014 23:30:44 GMT
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Post by Nink on May 26, 2015 15:37:23 GMT
Is it just me or does it look like the OP cut and ran? Her post count is zero and her name isn't a hyperlink. She'll be back asking for advice on what to serve at the baby shower.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 11:22:50 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2015 15:40:04 GMT
Is it just me or does it look like the OP cut and ran? Her post count is zero and her name isn't a hyperlink. She'll be back asking for advice on what to serve at the baby shower. Yep, just with a different username
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Post by compwalla on May 26, 2015 15:48:26 GMT
You are just going to have to accept you're done policing his sex life. Monitoring his texts is way creepy. I have a teen boy. I know he writes dirty bits to his lady friend. I can't really do anything about that. We have had many many many discussions about the inappropriateness of nekkid pictures and how child porn and sex offender are not things he wants to deal with. I don't want to read his sexts. Gross. People deserve to have their sex lives be as private as they want, even when they are young people.
We ask young people to delay sex until marriage and young people are delaying marriage for longer and longer. You can't have it both ways. Either you marry off the kids in their teens when they are able and start getting the urge to procreate or you teach them to have healthy sexual relationships in which mutual respect and birth control and disease prevention are integral to the sexual relationship from the very start and have them wait to get married after they saddle themselves with crushing student loan debt. It is completely unreasonable to expect a healthy person to abstain until they get married in their late twenties.
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blue tulip
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,005
Jun 25, 2014 20:53:57 GMT
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Post by blue tulip on May 26, 2015 16:14:05 GMT
sorry, quote isn't working right for me.
I don't see how her argument is valid against the vaccine? that's like saying only people with multiple partners are at risk. with the rates of infection these days, she could easily fall in love and marry someone who has HPV.
This. You might think your ds is innocent and not knowledgeable, but reading what you posted from his texts, he learned how to speak like that somewhere. While the girl may have encouraged ds, he was a willing and active participant. In the past, dd has made it clear to us (me) that she is going to wait for marriage (her argument for not needing the HPV vaccine), and while I hope she does, I don't hold that as gospel. I remember my teen/early adult years. If/when she starts dating we will have a safe sex discussion
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Post by maryland on May 26, 2015 16:27:52 GMT
I can relate to the #7 update, from my DS's first gf. With a cell phone, they have 24 hour a day access to each other ... and there is no more getting up the nerve to call someone's house, having Mom answer the phone, stretching the phone cord into the bathroom to have a private conversation, and Mom deciding when the call needs to end. That's how it goes from nothing to se*ting in 2 weeks time. In DS's case, the gf eventually cheated on him (se*) with their mutual friend. Yeah, great girl. Just curious how this would play out flipped here with the Peas, though: Say DD's bf has been se*ually active. Bf is texting DD all sorts of "ideas" for them to do, leading the conversation, but she is definitely participating. Do you get her on bc immediately at 15, because they probably will have se*? Do you try to limit their "alone" time? Is it easier to consider the boy as the initiator, rather than the OP's example of the girl as the initiator? Can I "like" your post 100 times! I was thinking the same thing. I am not a fan of double standards. I would hope if the situation was reversed, the peas would be sticking up for the boyfriend as they have for the girlfriend. And giving the same advice for the daughter as they have for the son.
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Post by bearmom on May 26, 2015 16:35:20 GMT
sorry, quote isn't working right for me.
I don't see how her argument is valid against the vaccine? that's like saying only people with multiple partners are at risk. with the rates of infection these days, she could easily fall in love and marry someone who has HPV.
This. You might think your ds is innocent and not knowledgeable, but reading what you posted from his texts, he learned how to speak like that somewhere. While the girl may have encouraged ds, he was a willing and active participant. In the past, dd has made it clear to us (me) that she is going to wait for marriage (her argument for not needing the HPV vaccine), and while I hope she does, I don't hold that as gospel. I remember my teen/early adult years. If/when she starts dating we will have a safe sex discussion Oh, I know. But in her 14 year old mind, if she waited until marriage then her spouse would have also. We then had a discussion about how it only takes once, etc. She doesn't want the series, apparently they are painful shots, so she is fighting me on it (she won't win).
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Post by jeremysgirl on May 26, 2015 16:42:30 GMT
It's really too bad the OP ran away. I just spent the past hour reading this thread and as the mom of a 15 year old DD, I found it helpful to read everyone's thoughts on this matter. We haven't had the situation come up yet in our house. My DD had a "boyfriend" for all of about 6 weeks this past year. I know she kissed him because she told me she did, but then he didn't treat her right so she decided she was out of there. She's pretty strong willed so I don't ever worry about a boy taking advantage of her. But as the mom, I try to remember what I was doing at 15. I wasn't having sex, but I was fooling around. I was curious about sex. I would expect nothing different from my own child. She knows I reserve the right to check her phone at any time, but for the most part, I don't because I do feel like she is entitled to some privacy. I feel like the OP shouldn't have read those messages to begin with. They were private and his privacy was violated. Sex discussions in our house are ongoing. We discuss everything. I have let my DD know that when she is ready for sex, I will provide her with birth control and condoms. She seems appreciative of this. I honestly think she would come to me. I think that's the most important part of this whole discussion. Will the OP's handling of this situation cause her son to pull away or can she find a way to pull him closer. I am afraid with too strong an approach, she will push him away. And that he will be less likely to discuss sex in the future.
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Post by Miss Lerins Momma on May 26, 2015 17:13:12 GMT
I'm not trying to make light of the situation, but you have to come to accept that this is not something that you can control. I agree with compwalla, you have to talk to him about responsibility and protection. Hugs to you.
I agree. I can't imagine how hard that is... my kids are still little, but I know one day they will start doing stuff I won't approve of. I'd absolutely have a long talk with him and make sure he understands how to be responsible and how to protect himself. I honestly don't know what else you can do. I think if you punish him, he will then try to sneak and do it and that to me, seems worse.
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Post by kandie on May 26, 2015 17:34:08 GMT
after reading this, I am reminded of a quote from my 8th grade 14 year old daughter in regards to a couple of her friends. "over protective parents breed sneaky kids"
Just a thought.
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Rhondito
Pearl Clutcher
MississipPea
Posts: 4,798
Jun 25, 2014 19:33:19 GMT
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Post by Rhondito on May 26, 2015 17:43:08 GMT
sorry, quote isn't working right for me.
I don't see how her argument is valid against the vaccine? that's like saying only people with multiple partners are at risk. with the rates of infection these days, she could easily fall in love and marry someone who has HPV.
Oh, I know. But in her 14 year old mind, if she waited until marriage then her spouse would have also. We then had a discussion about how it only takes once, etc. She doesn't want the series, apparently they are painful shots, so she is fighting me on it (she won't win). My daughter had them when she was younger - they were no more painful than any other shot. Good luck! Every time I read this thread I keep thinking, "cut the cord" - it's really no bid deal. But when I found explicit texts on my then 16 yo daughter's phone, it was a VERY big deal to me. I was devastated. I confided in one close friend and she told me all kids do it, and we are wrong to think otherwise. It was hard to accept but it got easier as time went on. You won't feel disgusted by your son forever... process it, digest it, accept it, and move on.
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Post by maryland on May 26, 2015 18:47:17 GMT
There is definitely a double standard going on. From what the op describes the girl just kind of kept pushing the subject, there was some pressure going on. That isn't okay and it isn't the same as voluntary participation. If the roles had been reversed, I don't think the peas reactions would have been the same. If the roles had been reversed and this was actual sex and not just sexting, some people would call that rape or coerced sex. But when it's the girl who's doing the pressuring, then it's okay. Yep, double standard. Nicoli, In our family we also teach our children that sex is for marriage. It is of course up to them to make that decision for them self. However when a young person makes a decision and has a conviction to save sex for marriage, or even a committed relationship or even until they are older or whatever, then we should help them be successful and not set them up for failure. If a person wants to do something different from the culture, they can not expect to do things the same way, yet have a different outcome. That rarely works. So if a young person wants to wait for sex, they need to make choices along the way to support that decision. Starting to date at 15 is not a choice that supports waiting until marriage. It is extremely difficult for a teenager to withstand sexual temptation. It is not simply a matter of making a decision and then saying no when the situation presents itself. You need to decide before hand not to put yourself into difficult situations. As a parent it is our job to teach our children how to set yourself up for success. Yes, if he wants to have sex, he will probably find a way. But even if he doesn't want to have sex, he probably will succumb to the temptation at some point if he doesn't change his approach to dating and relationships. Julie This is so true, and great advice!
As another poster wrote, I always tell my daughters that they need to be careful what they text, because you never know if his mom/dad are reading his texts. To be respectful in their texts. You never know if this will be a boy you would like to date, and you want to have a good relationship with his family. My cousin often read her 18 yr. old son's texts. She said that as she is paying for the phone, it's her business. She saw some not so nice things son was saying about her and the dad. But the girlfriend texted back that his parents are just doing this because they care about him and his safety. That meant so much to mom and dad that the girlfriend not only respected their son, but them as well. She scored major points with the parents!
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Post by OntarioScrapper on May 26, 2015 19:19:25 GMT
The only way to protect a 15 year old is to wrap him in bubble wrap and lock him in the house. Or you can have open discussions with the 15 and talk about responsibility. Give your child the information they did to protect themselves. We are ALL sexual beings even if we don't want to think our teenagers are!
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Post by christine58 on May 26, 2015 20:02:47 GMT
Did the OP leave us??
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 11:22:50 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2015 20:04:33 GMT
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caro
Drama Llama
Refupea 1130
Posts: 5,222
Jun 26, 2014 14:10:36 GMT
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Post by caro on May 26, 2015 20:14:05 GMT
If she did, it's too bad. There are some very well thought out responses here.
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Country Ham
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,314
Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
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Post by Country Ham on May 26, 2015 20:23:35 GMT
There is a huge difference between 2 teenagers having sex then that texting. That texting is inappropriate. Those of you who are OK with 15 year olds having sex must see the difference between the 2 things?
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Post by myshelly on May 26, 2015 20:30:50 GMT
There is a huge difference between 2 teenagers having sex then that texting. That texting is inappropriate. Those of you who are OK with 15 year olds having sex must see the difference between the 2 things? No, actually I think the opposite. As long as there are no pictures (this thread has never been about pictures, just words), I actually think that text sex or phone sex is more innocent than physical sex.
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