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Post by peasful1 on Aug 4, 2015 16:28:56 GMT
I find this post so strange. Your aside about her travels during her off-time, the dogs, the driving back with DS and making tourist pit stops, being upset about her not wanting to miss the first day of her senior level classes and acting as if she doesn't know what she's talking about...all very strange. From here you look like you resent her travels, favour your son and are, well, a bit sexist. His internship time constraint was apparently fine enough that you decide to drive 3000 miles to fetch him and make a tourist trip out of it rather than fly him back on his own in a timely manner meanwhile expecting DD in a very vital senior year of university to miss school to DOGSIT.
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gsquaredmom
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Posts: 4,078
Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
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Post by gsquaredmom on Aug 4, 2015 16:30:51 GMT
Here's the thing - it seems clear DD actually IS lying. She's more than happy to skip the first day for her boyfriend, but she's too selfish to help out her parents - the people who have fed and clothed and provided for her for the past 20ish years . So no, I don't have a lot of sympathy for dd. Op did not say dd is missing the first class for her boyfriend. I agree it is not well-worded. I think she said she has missed classes for him in the past, given the context provided in the first post. We don't know the circumstances. Perhaps he was ill. Who knows? I missed class once in college to take my then-fiancé to the ER with severe abdominal pain. My profs were very understanding. But it was not the first day.
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Post by anxiousmom on Aug 4, 2015 16:37:32 GMT
But what I would ask is why is she lying? Why does she feel compelled to lie? She is a grown up college student. If my mother asked me to do something that was inconvenient for me, I would not lie about why I couldn't, I would just tell her it wasn't possible. She would then move on to another arrangement.
Again, I go back to that at some point, the adult child gets to make their own decisions. The parent, as an adult, gets to make their own decisions. If the two are mutually agreeable, then it gets done-if not, then they move on to another solution. A grown child shouldn't have to lie as to why they can't do something, and the parent doesn't have the right to get upset when said child has to tend to their own knitting (so to speak.)
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Post by moveablefeast on Aug 4, 2015 16:37:27 GMT
Perhaps your DD will get an unexcused absence on her record. The first day is important as this is when time-lines are given out by teachers, desks are chosen in many classes and the social part of catching up with friends.
I do not understand why your dogs would come before you DD's attendance at HS.
Edited to add: It sounds like you are a bit jealous about her trip to Europe. There are many small countries in Europe. It isn't high school - it's university. my experience here is that if there's a wait list they can drop you, but if you contact the instructor before class it isn't an issue. in post secondary they don't put attendance stuff on your record so that isn't an issue. i see where the OP is coming from... DD is part of a family. When your family needs help, you help - even if it's inconvenient Gotta disagree with you here. Sometimes I can change my plans to help - sometimes I have to change my plans to help - sometimes I don't change my plans to help. We had two deaths in the family last weekend. I've rearranged the next two weeks to help handle arrangements and do things. That's drop everything time. Not wanting to kennel the dogs is not drop everything time. You've made this too black and white when it's really not that way.
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basketdiva
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Posts: 3,616
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:09 GMT
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Post by basketdiva on Aug 4, 2015 16:38:33 GMT
Here's the thing - it seems clear DD actually IS lying. She's more than happy to skip the first day for her boyfriend, but she's too selfish to help out her parents - the people who have fed and clothed and provided for her for the past 20ish years . So no, I don't have a lot of sympathy for dd. The OP never said DD would miss the 1st day of class for the boyfriend, just that "She will miss class to be with her boyfriend". I take that to mean just some random day. Also, the OP is basing her assumption on what happened a long time ago: When I was in college eons ago, people were still doing drop/add, etc the first week. I am surprised that young man in a Master's program would miss the 1st day of classes. Skip a couple of national Parks and let him and your daughter get their education completed.
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Post by Amelia Bedelia on Aug 4, 2015 16:39:46 GMT
Here's the thing - it seems clear DD actually IS lying. She's more than happy to skip the first day for her boyfriend, but she's too selfish to help out her parents - the people who have fed and clothed and provided for her for the past 20ish years . So no, I don't have a lot of sympathy for dd. I don't think she skipped the first day for her bf. I think she skipped random unimportant days for her bf. Te frat day is different. At any rate, it doesn't matter what the university website says. Even if she doesn't get dropped, some professors hold grudges. I had one professor who locked his door a few minutes before class started. Like 2 minutes. His thought was that you had to be ready to go when the clock struck 9, and that meant in your seat with your book, paper, and pencil out and eyes on him. If you got to class at 9, you weren't ready to go, and you were interrupting him and other students. So if you couldn't be on time (early), you couldn't come to his class. After 3 absences, you got docked a letter grade for each additional absence. That wasn't university policy, and it wasn't on a website anywhere. I can't imagine missing the first day of his class. She needs to be at class the first day. The dogs will be fine in a kennel. Or mom and dad can shorten their trip. Lots of options here.
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Post by brina on Aug 4, 2015 16:42:31 GMT
Here's the thing - it seems clear DD actually IS lying. She's more than happy to skip the first day for her boyfriend, but she's too selfish to help out her parents - the people who have fed and clothed and provided for her for the past 20ish years . So no, I don't have a lot of sympathy for dd. The OP never said DD would miss the 1st day of class for the boyfriend, just that "She will miss class to be with her boyfriend". I take that to mean just some random day. Also, the OP is basing her assumption on what happened a long time ago: When I was in college eons ago, people were still doing drop/add, etc the first week. I am surprised that young man in a Master's program would miss the 1st day of classes. Skip a couple of national Parks and let him and your daughter get their education completed. But here's the thing, even if daughter doesn't HAVE to be in the first day of classes, she obviously WANTS to attend her first day of classes, in which case we have two competing wants: DD: WANTS to attend first day of classes OP: WANTS to drive cross country with her dh and ds and doesn't WANT to kennel her dogs (because she has already kenneled them while on a prior vacation). So, based on this, should the mother's WANT of a SECOND vacation trump dd's WANT to attend the first day of classes. Not all wants are created equal.
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 4, 2015 16:45:27 GMT
Here's the thing - it seems clear DD actually IS lying. She's more than happy to skip the first day for her boyfriend, but she's too selfish to help out her parents - the people who have fed and clothed and provided for her for the past 20ish years . So no, I don't have a lot of sympathy for dd. No, she has missed OTHER classes for the boyfriend, not the first day of class. And I typically see this type of response from you (I hope I don't have you confused with someone), posts that post that always put the happyiness of an adult head of household figure before all. First, these are grown adults. They aren't kids. They should be free to make their own decisions even if it inconveniences mommy and daddy and the poor puppies. The DD has obligations. That is where she should base her decision on. The parents want to go get the other kid and drive him back because apparently in his mid 20s is in incapable of doing it himself or with just one parent. The dogs are the PARENTS responsibility plain and simple. The DD is out of the equation on this one. The ONLY way I would side with the parents is if the DD had committed fully knowing when the trip was and when classes started and then backed out less than 3 days before.
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cycworker
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Posts: 4,375
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Aug 4, 2015 16:47:00 GMT
Hmmm. I didn't read it that way re the boyfriend.
Again - my biggest problem/issue is that regardless of how we interpret the fb piece the dd is still lying.
If DD wants to be an adult she needs to act like one and just tell mom the truth. It isn't that she CAN'T call her profs and let the know she'll be away first day but she's still claiming the seat. Mom has already checked and that's allowed. It's that she doesn't WANT to. I hate it when people claim they can't do something when the truth is they simply don't want to.
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Post by moveablefeast on Aug 4, 2015 16:53:57 GMT
Hmmm. I didn't read it that way re the boyfriend. Again - my biggest problem/issue is that regardless of how we interpret the fb piece the dd is still lying. If DD wants to be an adult she needs to act like one and just tell mom the truth. It isn't that she CAN'T call her profs and let the know she'll be away first day but she's still claiming the seat. Mom has already checked and that's allowed. It's that she doesn't WANT to. I hate it when people claim they can't do something when the truth is they simply don't want to. Is it so wrong that the daughter doesn't want to miss the first day of classes to take care of her parents' dogs?
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gsquaredmom
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Posts: 4,078
Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
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Post by gsquaredmom on Aug 4, 2015 16:54:13 GMT
Hmmm. I didn't read it that way re the boyfriend. Again - my biggest problem/issue is that regardless of how we interpret the fb piece the dd is still lying. If DD wants to be an adult she needs to act like one and just tell mom the truth. It isn't that she CAN'T call her profs and let the know she'll be away first day but she's still claiming the seat. Mom has already checked and that's allowed. It's that she doesn't WANT to. I hate it when people claim they can't do something when the truth is they simply don't want to. Professors and departments can make rules that exceed the general university posting. She may be in a very competitive program where seats are given away and you lose the class. General websites can't include rules for every Department You and mom have no way of knowing what the rules are in HER program and with her profs. Daughter does. I still don't see how you can conclude she is lying. And the dogs can still be boarded.
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Post by jenis40 on Aug 4, 2015 16:55:57 GMT
Hmmm. I didn't read it that way re the boyfriend. Again - my biggest problem/issue is that regardless of how we interpret the fb piece the dd is still lying. If DD wants to be an adult she needs to act like one and just tell mom the truth. It isn't that she CAN'T call her profs and let the know she'll be away first day but she's still claiming the seat. Mom has already checked and that's allowed. It's that she doesn't WANT to. I hate it when people claim they can't do something when the truth is they simply don't want to. But it may not be the individual professors policy. I concur with everyone saying missing the first day of your SENIOR level classes would be bad form even if university policy allows it. You'd be eight steps behind the whole semester/quarter.
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Post by peasful1 on Aug 4, 2015 16:58:09 GMT
Hmmm. I didn't read it that way re the boyfriend. Again - my biggest problem/issue is that regardless of how we interpret the fb piece the dd is still lying. If DD wants to be an adult she needs to act like one and just tell mom the truth. It isn't that she CAN'T call her profs and let the know she'll be away first day but she's still claiming the seat. Mom has already checked and that's allowed. It's that she doesn't WANT to. I hate it when people claim they can't do something when the truth is they simply don't want to. I hate when people think their wants supersede everyone else's. It's not like mom is going to be at someone's bedside. She's going to some national parks and driving thousands of miles for her OTHER kid, who could have easily hopped on a plane himself. The kid wants to go to her first day of classes, and rightfully so. Maybe she thought if her mom thought she HAD to be there, she'd leave her be. But apparently mom took the time to research her daughter's claim and call her out vs just calling the damn kennel. That is some sick and twisted shit right there.
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,375
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Aug 4, 2015 17:00:45 GMT
Hmmm. I didn't read it that way re the boyfriend. Again - my biggest problem/issue is that regardless of how we interpret the fb piece the dd is still lying. If DD wants to be an adult she needs to act like one and just tell mom the truth. It isn't that she CAN'T call her profs and let the know she'll be away first day but she's still claiming the seat. Mom has already checked and that's allowed. It's that she doesn't WANT to. I hate it when people claim they can't do something when the truth is they simply don't want to. Is it so wrong that the daughter doesn't want to miss the first day of classes to take care of her parents' dogs? Nope . Not at all. If she'd been honest and admitted that from the get-go I'd be on her side. If she had clear boundaries and simply said to mom "I can do that; however I'm not WILLING to do it," I'd be fine with it.
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mstubble
Junior Member
Posts: 81
Jun 26, 2014 23:42:13 GMT
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Post by mstubble on Aug 4, 2015 17:00:56 GMT
When I was in college, if you didn't show up the first day, they withdrew you from your classes. I'm sure it's college specific.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 7, 2024 16:50:55 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2015 17:04:00 GMT
Is it so wrong that the daughter doesn't want to miss the first day of classes to take care of her parents' dogs? Nope . Not at all. If she'd been honest and admitted that from the get-go I'd be on her side. If she had clear boundaries and simply said to mom "I can do that; however I'm not WILLING to do it," I'd be fine with it. But she DID! She said she cannot miss the first day of class. Plain and simple. Mom is being the brat here. And quite frankly, YOU need to stop telling others that their kids are lying brats when they are adults with responsibilities of their own and not willing to bend to Mommy's wants.
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akathy
What's For Dinner?
Still peaing from Podunk!
Posts: 4,546
Location: North Dakota
Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
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Post by akathy on Aug 4, 2015 17:04:43 GMT
It isn't high school - it's university. my experience here is that if there's a wait list they can drop you, but if you contact the instructor before class it isn't an issue. in post secondary they don't put attendance stuff on your record so that isn't an issue. i see where the OP is coming from... DD is part of a family. When your family needs help, you help - even if it's inconvenient Gotta disagree with you here. Sometimes I can change my plans to help - sometimes I have to change my plans to help - sometimes I don't change my plans to help. We had two deaths in the family last weekend. I've rearranged the next two weeks to help handle arrangements and do things. That's drop everything time. Not wanting to kennel the dogs is not drop everything time. You've made this too black and white when it's really not that way.
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akathy
What's For Dinner?
Still peaing from Podunk!
Posts: 4,546
Location: North Dakota
Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
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Post by akathy on Aug 4, 2015 17:11:47 GMT
Hmmm. I didn't read it that way re the boyfriend. Again - my biggest problem/issue is that regardless of how we interpret the fb piece the dd is still lying. If DD wants to be an adult she needs to act like one and just tell mom the truth. It isn't that she CAN'T call her profs and let the know she'll be away first day but she's still claiming the seat. Mom has already checked and that's allowed. It's that she doesn't WANT to. I hate it when people claim they can't do something when the truth is they simply don't want to. Professors and departments can make rules that exceed the general university posting. She may be in a very competitive program where seats are given away and you lose the class. General websites can't include rules for every Department You and mom have no way of knowing what the rules are in HER program and with her profs. Daughter does. I still don't see how you can conclude she is lying. And the dogs can still be boarded. Right. I don't get where the jump is that DD is lying
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cycworker
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Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Aug 4, 2015 17:13:12 GMT
Nope . Not at all. If she'd been honest and admitted that from the get-go I'd be on her side. If she had clear boundaries and simply said to mom "I can do that; however I'm not WILLING to do it," I'd be fine with it. But she DID! She said she cannot miss the first day of class. Plain and simple. Mom is being the brat here. And quite frankly, YOU need to stop telling others that their kids are lying brats when they are adults with responsibilities of their own and not willing to bend to Mommy's wants. It's about the wording. Can't isn't an honest word choice. It's putting the responsibility on the school. DD isn't taking ownership; she's not simply owning her adult right to say no, I'm not willing to do that.
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Post by Meri-Lyn on Aug 4, 2015 17:13:14 GMT
Hmmm. I didn't read it that way re the boyfriend. Again - my biggest problem/issue is that regardless of how we interpret the fb piece the dd is still lying. If DD wants to be an adult she needs to act like one and just tell mom the truth. It isn't that she CAN'T call her profs and let the know she'll be away first day but she's still claiming the seat. Mom has already checked and that's allowed. It's that she doesn't WANT to. I hate it when people claim they can't do something when the truth is they simply don't want to. How in the heck do you know she's lying? They're senior level classes, she could actually be GASP, telling the truth. I've been out of school for eons, but our classes were competitive, particularly at a large state university. If you didn't show up the first day, then there are 20 behind you to take your place. That was the standard. I would not miss the first day for that reason.
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 4, 2015 17:17:14 GMT
Hmmm. I didn't read it that way re the boyfriend. Again - my biggest problem/issue is that regardless of how we interpret the fb piece the dd is still lying. If DD wants to be an adult she needs to act like one and just tell mom the truth. It isn't that she CAN'T call her profs and let the know she'll be away first day but she's still claiming the seat. Mom has already checked and that's allowed. It's that she doesn't WANT to. I hate it when people claim they can't do something when the truth is they simply don't want to. good for her for not wanting to. She's a denior, perhaps she's had one of these profs before. Also I am sue they tell you to call the prof so that the prog can either say ok or that she will lose her seat. That is the professor's call. But what a horrible way to start a semester. This isn't some 100 level class filled with 80 students, these are smaller classes and the teacher will get to know them all induvidually. Lets go real world as that is what she is preparing for. Hey new boss, I can't come in on my first day of work because my mom is entitled and wants me to watch her dogs so she can vacy. This isn't a case of an entitled adult child, but an entitled adult parent
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Montannie
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Posts: 3,486
Location: Big Sky Country
Jun 25, 2014 20:32:35 GMT
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Post by Montannie on Aug 4, 2015 17:17:51 GMT
Why are the dogs more important than the daughter? To me, that's what the decision boils down to.
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Post by lucyg on Aug 4, 2015 17:18:36 GMT
"Sorry, I can't do that," is sometimes the polite way of saying, "Sorry, I don't want to do that." It is a totally acceptable response to most requests and invitations.
I don't think any of us owes others a detailed explanation when we're asked to do something and we choose to say no.
Not to say DD shouldn't help out mom when she can. But mom appears to be encroaching in this case. The girl has a right to be at school in time for the first day of classes, regardless of how lax or strict the rules are, assuming no life-or-death family emergencies.
Sure, there may be a lot missing in this story and we're all trying to second-guess the truth ... but it appears most of us are getting a strong whiff of my-son-who-can-do-no-wrong vs. my-utterly-unimportant-daughter-who-"studies" here.
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 4, 2015 17:19:01 GMT
But she DID! She said she cannot miss the first day of class. Plain and simple. Mom is being the brat here. And quite frankly, YOU need to stop telling others that their kids are lying brats when they are adults with responsibilities of their own and not willing to bend to Mommy's wants. It's about the wording. Can't isn't an honest word choice. It's putting the responsibility on the school. DD isn't taking ownership; she's not simply owning her adult right to say no, I'm not willing to do that. oh ffs. I saw I can't miss work. I actually can, I have the time off, but maybe that day I have important meetings or what not. I say I can't. Plain and simple. Can't = can not. I cannot take the day off because I choose to not get dropped from the class.
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Post by kernriver on Aug 4, 2015 17:19:46 GMT
Well crap. I just woke up and now I have to go back and read 5 pages to see how this stupid thread could have possibly gotten so long. Maybe coffee will help.
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Post by alittleintrepid on Aug 4, 2015 17:21:00 GMT
i see where the OP is coming from... DD is part of a family. When your family needs help, you help - even if it's inconvenient Your argument works the other way too. The OP is part of a family. When your family needs help (in this case for the adult children to be able to attend the university programs in which they are registered), you help - or at the very least you don't get in their way by being a spoiled mama.
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Post by abr79 on Aug 4, 2015 17:23:56 GMT
Hmmm. I didn't read it that way re the boyfriend. Again - my biggest problem/issue is that regardless of how we interpret the fb piece the dd is still lying. If DD wants to be an adult she needs to act like one and just tell mom the truth. It isn't that she CAN'T call her profs and let the know she'll be away first day but she's still claiming the seat. Mom has already checked and that's allowed. It's that she doesn't WANT to. I hate it when people claim they can't do something when the truth is they simply don't want to. Based on how Mom is talking about her here, in this post, IF DD is lying (which, I'm not sure how you are construing that...), maybe it is a matter of doesn't WANT to versus CAN'T. But, it's understandable considering the two posts she's made, it is very clear that Mom has zero respect for her daughter. So, maybe DD is finally standing up for herself and putting her foot down and saying "NO...I can NOT miss the first day of class." Yes, maybe that means she doesn't WANT to miss the first day of class, but does it really matter? If it is important to DD to not miss the first day of the class, Mom should respect that. Plain and simple. And DD shouldn't have to clarify it with a "because I don't want to" aside.
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Post by mirabelleswalker on Aug 4, 2015 17:24:14 GMT
I can't imagine a circumstance where my mother would have asked me to miss a day of college or grad school, let alone the first day of the semester.
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gsquaredmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,078
Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
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Post by gsquaredmom on Aug 4, 2015 17:26:55 GMT
Hmmm. I didn't read it that way re the boyfriend. Again - my biggest problem/issue is that regardless of how we interpret the fb piece the dd is still lying. If DD wants to be an adult she needs to act like one and just tell mom the truth. It isn't that she CAN'T call her profs and let the know she'll be away first day but she's still claiming the seat. Mom has already checked and that's allowed. It's that she doesn't WANT to. I hate it when people claim they can't do something when the truth is they simply don't want to. good for her for not wanting to. She's a denior, perhaps she's had one of these profs before. Also I am sue they tell you to call the prof so that the prog can either say ok or that she will lose her seat. That is the professor's call. But what a horrible way to start a semester. This isn't some 100 level class filled with 80 students, these are smaller classes and the teacher will get to know them all induvidually. Lets go real world as that is what she is preparing for. Hey new boss, I can't come in on my first day of work because my mom is entitled and wants me to watch her dogs so she can vacy. This isn't a case of an entitled adult child, but an entitled adult parent Agreed. And The daughter may well be in a program where she CAN'T call the prof. They may have been told show up the first day if you want your seat. Don't call and bother profs. No exceptions. If the class is important and you want it, be there. That is the reality of some programs today. They don't care who fills that seat on the first day. This may not be a choice for daughter as cyc keeps saying. It may be that she really CANNOT call the prof. Is not ALLOWED to call the prof. Will get dropped for hassling the prof. WHO KNOWS. It still does not mean she is lying. She wants to go to class instead of watching dogs that can be boarded while parents vacay. I think it's very adult of her and she IS owning it. She knows the rules of her program. Mom does not.
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Post by elaine on Aug 4, 2015 17:28:02 GMT
But she DID! She said she cannot miss the first day of class. Plain and simple. Mom is being the brat here. And quite frankly, YOU need to stop telling others that their kids are lying brats when they are adults with responsibilities of their own and not willing to bend to Mommy's wants. It's about the wording. Can't isn't an honest word choice. It's putting the responsibility on the school. DD isn't taking ownership; she's not simply owning her adult right to say no, I'm not willing to do that. Umm, we are simply reading mom's account of things. We have absolutely NO CLUE what the daughter's exact wording was. Oy. No need to assume the daughter is lying and then hold onto that assumption so tightly when called on it. For all we know, the daughter did say that she wasn't willing to watch the dogs and when mom asked "why not?" daughter replies that she didn't want to miss the first day of classes and when mom asked again "why not?" she said that she would get dropped from classes. It could have been that the daughter did say she wasn't willing, but mom pushed for reasons. The exact dialogue could have been any number of things. To assume the daughter is a lying brat is a huge leap.
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