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Post by Lindarina on Jul 23, 2016 9:25:43 GMT
If she had been buying and cooking her own meals, had her own seperate storing options and otherwise lived the lifestyle completely and consistently, I would have respected her if she had said no to buying the cream.
But when she lets others do her cooking and cleaning and her food shares the fridge with animal products, it seems unreasonable to me when she refuses to by the crean.
I was a vegetarian for many years, and although my mother supported my choice she wouldn't accomodate me further than buying the food I needed. Any special preparations would have to be made by me. I was 16 and it was a good lesson.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 2, 2024 6:39:24 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2016 9:43:48 GMT
It's interesting that the daughter is a giant asshole for doing the same thing that she has been doing/not doing for over 2 years without it being a problem. . She didn't change her behavior today, yet the op was 'so upset and crying' over behavior that should have been expected based On the past. I can't imagine being 'so upset and crying' over a trip to the store or behavior that I've okayed for this long. Kind of assy behavior too imo . It sounds like communication us a big issue, and you both need to grow up. I don't think the daughter is a giant asshole and I don't think the OP is upset and crying over a carton of whipped cream. Her son is going away, she's spoken before about her daughters complete lack of empathy for other people. I think the circumstances surrounding this event are what sparked the tears. Picking up a tub of cream for a mother who is already frazzled is not a big deal or it shouldn't be.
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Post by myboysnme on Jul 23, 2016 10:54:38 GMT
My first reaction was in line with most of the responders here, but the more I think about it, the more I think supersoda has a point. She has not purchased animal products for you for two years, so you knew it was a problem for her, and you let it go. She doesn't refuse to help out at all; she just doesn't want to purchase the animal stuff. I dunno. Let me be clear that you were well within your rights to ask (especially as a special favor), but it's not surprising that she said No - she's consistent. I think suddenly taking away privileges would be weird and out of the blue, since you've accommodated her for two years. If you've decided you've had enough, then sitting down with her calmly and telling her that you can't do it any more is fine. Full disclosure: I am a vegetarian, but not vegan, and I'm not a PETA member or anything. Like a pp, I have no problem picking up closed containers of meat-containing products that I wouldn't eat, but I would not be wild about going to the butcher counter for a drippy foam tray of meat. I totally agree with this and with supersoda I don't really understand the whole pea manifesto of my house, my rules/my kids don't have a choice/ungrateful brats/move out the second you graduate. We're talking about a college kid. How is she supposed to move out on her own or support herself? I swear the peas chose to bring their kids into the world, but then they want their kids to kiss their feet for providing the things they are obligated to provide. The constant my house, my rules attitude here makes me crazy. I want my kids to know this is *their* house. That they are always welcome here. They never have to leave and they can always come back. I wouldn't ask a Muslim to buy me pork. I wouldn't ask a Mormon to buy me alcohol. I wouldn't ask a vegan to buy cream. I wouldn't buy anyone cigarettes, ever, under any circumstances. I think it is unreasonable of the OP to be fine and supportive of this for 2.5 years and then suddenly get pissed and throw a fit about it. Don't you all remember what it was like when you were in college/late teens/early 20s? To be defining yourself and finding your own philosophy and to be really, really passionate about it and really, really sure you are right? I agree with you. A whole lot, maybe the majority of refupeas are much meaner to their kids than I would ever be. My adult kids live with us and it is their home too. Someday I may be living with them and heaven help me if they treat me like I have to kiss their asses because they pay the bills. I'm speaking generally, not about a container of whipping cream because it could be anything and peas expect acquiescence. 99% of the people who posted said, "I'm not vegan." Well then OP was asking if other vegans feel this way. 5 pages later all we know is that non vegans would expect daughter to do whatever mom wants just out of respect and if she doesn't then basically she can go F@#$ herself. My son won't go in a Walmart. I sometimes ask him if he can stop by Walmart to pick up photos or a prescription or something. The answer is always no. My response is, "OK" because I already knew when I asked that he doesn't go to Walmart. I have no expectation that another adult will do what I ask just because I ask.
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teddyw
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,820
Jun 29, 2014 1:56:04 GMT
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Post by teddyw on Jul 23, 2016 11:04:00 GMT
She could buy So delicious whipped cream which is vegan. You can make whipped cream from a package of full fat coconut milk by refrigerating it. As a vegetarian there would be no way I'd want to touch a package of meat, it's sheer and I can see the blood through it which often leaks onto the conveyor belt. But a product in a container, like soup or pasta sauce, I don't have an issue. I like Truwhip as an alternative to Coolwhip as it has better ingredients. [/quote Not vegan or vegetarian but the meat packages gross me out too.
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Post by mollycoddle on Jul 23, 2016 11:08:53 GMT
I totally agree with this and with supersoda I don't really understand the whole pea manifesto of my house, my rules/my kids don't have a choice/ungrateful brats/move out the second you graduate. We're talking about a college kid. How is she supposed to move out on her own or support herself? I swear the peas chose to bring their kids into the world, but then they want their kids to kiss their feet for providing the things they are obligated to provide. The constant my house, my rules attitude here makes me crazy. I want my kids to know this is *their* house. That they are always welcome here. They never have to leave and they can always come back. I wouldn't ask a Muslim to buy me pork. I wouldn't ask a Mormon to buy me alcohol. I wouldn't ask a vegan to buy cream. I wouldn't buy anyone cigarettes, ever, under any circumstances. I think it is unreasonable of the OP to be fine and supportive of this for 2.5 years and then suddenly get pissed and throw a fit about it. Don't you all remember what it was like when you were in college/late teens/early 20s? To be defining yourself and finding your own philosophy and to be really, really passionate about it and really, really sure you are right? I agree with you. A whole lot, maybe the majority of refupeas are much meaner to their kids than I would ever be. My adult kids live with us and it is their home too. Someday I may be living with them and heaven help me if they treat me like I have to kiss their asses because they pay the bills. I'm speaking generally, not about a container of whipping cream because it could be anything and peas expect acquiescence. 99% of the people who posted said, "I'm not vegan." Well then OP was asking if other vegans feel this way. 5 pages later all we know is that non vegans would expect daughter to do whatever mom wants just out of respect and if she doesn't then basically she can go F@#$ herself. My son won't go in a Walmart. I sometimes ask him if he can stop by Walmart to pick up photos or a prescription or something. The answer is always no. My response is, "OK" because I already knew when I asked that he doesn't go to Walmart. I have no expectation that another adult will do what I ask just because I ask. I think that it is a fair point that this mother has very generously indulged her daughter for the past 2.5 years. But I fail to see that it is ok for this girl to refuse to buy a sealed container of cream after her mother has bought her food, prepared her food with consideration, and probably provided the car, gas and money for the store. The generosity has been very one-sided, and this mom is obviously a very kind person who has allowed it. <shrug>. You people are much nicer than I am. I would not be buying this girl her special food or cooking it for her.
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
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Post by mallie on Jul 23, 2016 12:10:00 GMT
Nice. Doormat. There is a difference.
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Post by Fidget on Jul 23, 2016 12:11:53 GMT
I know a vegan who cooked a big juicy steak for her husband on his birthday. I'm sure she would have been happy to buy cream. Her opinion is SHE is vegan and does not expect non vegans to adapt her lifestyle, nor does she judge non vegans in a negative light. It is her choice and she knows that. She is a gem of a gal!! She is 22- probably not much older than OP's daughter who in my opinion is being rude and selfish.
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Post by supersoda on Jul 23, 2016 12:34:26 GMT
Based on the additional information you provided, it doesn't sound like your kid is being bratty or disrespectful, it sounds like she is sticking to her principles. She has a history of diligently trying to avoid animal products. This doesn't seem like a one off or a fad. It sounds like she is maintaining the beliefs she's had for more than two years. If she was compromising in other ways, or only refusing to shop when she felt like it, I would definitely call her out on it. But that doesn't sound like the case here. I think the peas are being a little rough on her, based on what you described. But then, the iron fisted "my kid is gonna do what I demand no matter what" isn't really my style. A kid or adult living in my house at my expense lets go of the right to principles that go against the principles of the rest of the household. It will be tolerated to the point it makes life inconvenient for the person paying the bills. If I ask for an item to be picked up at the store I expect that to happen or they can quite driving my car and quit sitting at my dinner table eating food I paid for. Having principles has consequences. SaveAnd we apparently have a fundamental difference in parenting styles. I want my kids to develop their own principles and moral compasses. I want them to stand up for what they believe in. Sometimes its a pain in my ass. Sometimes I don't agree with them. But I'm not going to cut off all support from an otherwise good kid because of one inconvenience. Seriously, all the big talk of taking away her car, preparing only carnivorous meals, and otherwise cutting her off is just ridiculous. And yes, asking her to purchase is asking her to compromise her principles. I would never ask my nondrinking family members to pick up booze. And there's no way I'm buying cigarettes for anybody.
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Post by fridaycat on Jul 23, 2016 13:01:01 GMT
She could buy So delicious whipped cream which is vegan. You can make whipped cream from a package of full fat coconut milk by refrigerating it. As a vegetarian there would be no way I'd want to touch a package of meat, it's sheer and I can see the blood through it which often leaks onto the conveyor belt. But a product in a container, like soup or pasta sauce, I don't have an issue. I like Truwhip as an alternative to Coolwhip as it has better ingredients. [/quote Not vegan or vegetarian but the meat packages gross me out too. Right?! It's the year two thousand and sixteen and we still sell meat in leaky packages? Such an odd thing to for go. I'm sorry OP. I'm sure it didn't help that your DD served up a double whammy in that your request was something for her brother as he prepares to leave home. Salt on the wound. Hugs.
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scrapnnana
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,128
Jun 29, 2014 18:58:47 GMT
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Post by scrapnnana on Jul 23, 2016 13:25:32 GMT
To me this doesn't have anything to do with being vegan, it's just an issue of her lack of respect and courtesy. You have supported and accommodated her choices for two years and she will not extend the same courtesy to you in one simple action. She is being rude and ungrateful. Her life choices don't get to dictate how she treats those around her. You should have her read this thread, she probably has no idea how rude she is being. The issue is kindness, respect, love for her family, and gratitude. They are qualities which the girl seems to have forgotten or never learned. The girl has been accommodated and financed by her mom, yet she seems to have absolutely no regard for her mom's feelings, and no willingness to reciprocate in any way. I'm pretty laid back as a parent, but the girl's self-righteous and ungrateful attitude after getting so much help from her mother is absolutely unacceptable. In my home, unacceptable behavior has logical consequences, not out of vindictiveness, but to teach a lesson that child needs to learn. The OP's daughter may be of adult age, but she could use a few lessons in cooperation, appreciation, and respect before she leaves home. It might be wise to teach her a little self-sufficiency, including economically, too, instead of relying on her mom to provide. The girl needs a wake-up call.
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Post by dewryce on Jul 23, 2016 13:35:29 GMT
I think the part that bothers me the most is that your daughter doesn't care that you were upset, that would have really hurt my feelings. It seems so uncaring.
To me, this is not just about right and wrong following her beliefs or not. Her mom was really upset and she didn't care, she was more worried about being "right." If it was simply about standing up for her beliefs, she could have explained that and then asked how else she could help. That attitude, I would have respected.
Edited to change wording.
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Rainbow
Pearl Clutcher
Where salt is in the air and sand is at my feet...
Posts: 4,103
Jun 26, 2014 5:57:41 GMT
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Post by Rainbow on Jul 23, 2016 13:45:26 GMT
My DD went vegan about 2.5 years ago when she was senior in HS, completely cold-turkey on her own. WE have been supportive of it and I cook vegan about half the time and then on other nights make sure there are side dishes that are vegan she can have with something she fixes.
She has been at home for the past 2 years going to community college but will be moving away to one town over next month for university. Since going vegan, she has been unwilling to purchase non-vegan items at the store for me and I have let that slide. Today, I am trying to make a special dessert for my son (he is leaving for college next week and will be 7 hours away) and she is going to the store for something else and she wont even purchase a pint of whipping cream for me. For some reason, this just hit me really WRONG and I am so upset and crying over it.
Is this too much to ask of a vegan? Am I not being understanding? I just really need to know how other vegans feel about this and how other families with vegan eaters handle this?
For what it's worth, my DD didn't care that I was upset. I think I have raised a bratty child sometimes:(
I wouldn't buy it with my money but if you gave her some money for it she might because it would really be you buying it, not her. I would not use my money to purchase animal products. I feel strongly about this, and my family respects my position.
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Post by myshelly on Jul 23, 2016 13:50:50 GMT
A kid or adult living in my house at my expense lets go of the right to principles that go against the principles of the rest of the household. It will be tolerated to the point it makes life inconvenient for the person paying the bills. If I ask for an item to be picked up at the store I expect that to happen or they can quite driving my car and quit sitting at my dinner table eating food I paid for. Having principles has consequences. SaveAnd we apparently have a fundamental difference in parenting styles. I want my kids to develop their own principles and moral compasses. I want them to stand up for what they believe in. Sometimes its a pain in my ass. Sometimes I don't agree with them. But I'm not going to cut off all support from an otherwise good kid because of one inconvenience. Seriously, all the big talk of taking away her car, preparing only carnivorous meals, and otherwise cutting her off is just ridiculous. And yes, asking her to purchase is asking her to compromise her principles. I would never ask my nondrinking family members to pick up booze. And there's no way I'm buying cigarettes for anybody. I completely agree with you. If a husband took the stance voltagain is suggesting with his SAHM wife, the peas would call it abusive and tell her to leave. But, sure, go ahead and treat your kids that way. I think that our world and our economy has changed. It is not physically possible for college students to move out on their own and support themselves. Old peas may have done it when they were in college. Things are different now. I swear so many peas have the "well when I was in college I walked uphill both ways in the snow" so kids today should be grateful at how easy they have it attitude. I don't get to control someone because I pay bills. I don't get to decide a person's religion, philosophy, or morals because I provide them food. I don't get to call it "generosity" when I provide food and a roof to a child I am obligated to provide those things to in the first place. I think I must care about my future relationship with my adult children much more than most peas do. There are so many iron fisted, cruel, bitches of moms here who I would cut ties with and never look back had they been my parent. Remember when you treat your children this way - someday they will control access to your grandchildren; someday you will beg to spend time with them and they will say no; someday you will want them to take care of you and they (unlike you) are under no obligation to say yes.
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purplebee
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,726
Jun 27, 2014 20:37:34 GMT
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Post by purplebee on Jul 23, 2016 14:05:28 GMT
It sounds like a number of peas who are supporting the vegan daughter's refusal to purchase a container of whipping cream to help out her Mom are completely forgetting the fact that Mom has bent over backwards to accommodate her daughter's vegan lifestyle.
In my house, respect and cooperation trump the "lifestyle" that dictates that she cannot possibly purchase a small cardboard container without completely contaminating and compromising that lifestyle. She is very lucky to have a Mom who is willing to compromise HER own lifestyle for vegan daughter. No one is asking/forcing daughter to eat animal products.
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,375
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Jul 23, 2016 14:16:22 GMT
I don't get to control someone because I pay bills. I don't get to decide a person's religion, philosophy, or morals because I provide them food. I don't get to call it "generosity" when I provide food and a roof to a child I am obligated to provide those things to in the first place. I think must care about my future relationship with my adult children much more than most peas do. There are so many iron fisted, cruel, bitches of moms here who I would cut ties with and never look back had they been my parent. Remember when you treat your children this way - someday they will control access to your grandchildren; someday you will beg to spend time with them and they will say no; someday you will want them to take care of you and they (unlike you) are under no obligation to say yes. I'll admit this is a fair point. I think some of the Pea responses have been a tad harsh. I'm definitely not 'my way or the highway' in my relationships with anyone - especially kids. Here is my problem with the daughter, though. She, as others have noted, saw that her mom was stressed, and didn't give a rat's ass. Her behaviour/communication of her stance was sanctimonious & self righteous. As a Christian, if someone asks me to do something I'm uncomfortable doing because it contradicts my values, I'm called to communicate that with some love. Ok, so let's assume that daughter is well within her rights (which I suppose she is) to take her moral stance & say "Nope. Not compromising my principles to pick up your whipped cream for you." As a part of a family, and as someone who ought to care about her mom, could she not even TRY to come up with a plan that would help Mom have time to get the whipped cream herself? It seems obvious to me that if daughter volunteers to switch chores/errands - takes a different task on from Mom's to-do list so Mom has time to pop out to get the whipped cream - that would deal with the root of the issue. Mom can go to the store & get the few things dd needs plus her cream; dd can make the run to the post office (or whatever) for mom so she has one less thing to do. It's 7:15 a.m. here... I hope my suggestion makes sense.
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Post by myshelly on Jul 23, 2016 14:21:47 GMT
It sounds like a number of peas who are supporting the vegan daughter's refusal to purchase a container of whipping cream to help out her Mom are completely forgetting the fact that Mom has bent over backwards to accommodate her daughter's vegan lifestyle. In my house, respect and cooperation trump the "lifestyle" that dictates that she cannot possibly purchase a small cardboard container without completely contaminating and compromising that lifestyle. She is very lucky to have a Mom who is willing to compromise HER own lifestyle for vegan daughter. No one is asking/forcing daughter to eat animal products. I'm not forgetting that. I just don't think it's as big of a deal as most peas seem to. I decided to become vegetarian when I was 5. My mother accomadated it. I just see it as what a mom *should* do, not something you should get a special prize for.
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Nink
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,947
Location: North Idaho
Jul 1, 2014 23:30:44 GMT
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Post by Nink on Jul 23, 2016 14:22:49 GMT
And we apparently have a fundamental difference in parenting styles. I want my kids to develop their own principles and moral compasses. I want them to stand up for what they believe in. Sometimes its a pain in my ass. Sometimes I don't agree with them. But I'm not going to cut off all support from an otherwise good kid because of one inconvenience. Seriously, all the big talk of taking away her car, preparing only carnivorous meals, and otherwise cutting her off is just ridiculous. And yes, asking her to purchase is asking her to compromise her principles. I would never ask my nondrinking family members to pick up booze. And there's no way I'm buying cigarettes for anybody. I completely agree with you. If a husband took the stance voltagain is suggesting with his SAHM wife, the peas would call it abusive and tell her to leave. But, sure, go ahead and treat your kids that way. I think that our world and our economy has changed. It is not physically possible for college students to move out on their own and support themselves. Old peas may have done it when they were in college. Things are different now. I swear so many peas have the "well when I was in college I walked uphill both ways in the snow" so kids today should be grateful at how easy they have it attitude. I don't get to control someone because I pay bills. I don't get to decide a person's religion, philosophy, or morals because I provide them food. I don't get to call it "generosity" when I provide food and a roof to a child I am obligated to provide those things to in the first place. I think I must care about my future relationship with my adult children much more than most peas do. There are so many iron fisted, cruel, bitches of moms here who I would cut ties with and never look back had they been my parent. Remember when you treat your children this way - someday they will control access to your grandchildren; someday you will beg to spend time with them and they will say no; someday you will want them to take care of you and they (unlike you) are under no obligation to say yes. Well, if I remember correctly on another thread about moving you flat out said you would probably refuse to help your children if they ever moved away from you, and would have a hard time forgiving them for moving out of state, but would be willing to help your children who decided to stay with you so...yeah. How is that different? How is that not controlling? As to the OP, you're daughter felt she had a right to refuse, which she may have. But you can bet that would have been the last vegan meal I prepared or bought for her. She would be buying all her own food and products cooking all her own meals from now on.
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Post by myshelly on Jul 23, 2016 14:24:40 GMT
I completely agree with you. If a husband took the stance voltagain is suggesting with his SAHM wife, the peas would call it abusive and tell her to leave. But, sure, go ahead and treat your kids that way. I think that our world and our economy has changed. It is not physically possible for college students to move out on their own and support themselves. Old peas may have done it when they were in college. Things are different now. I swear so many peas have the "well when I was in college I walked uphill both ways in the snow" so kids today should be grateful at how easy they have it attitude. I don't get to control someone because I pay bills. I don't get to decide a person's religion, philosophy, or morals because I provide them food. I don't get to call it "generosity" when I provide food and a roof to a child I am obligated to provide those things to in the first place. I think I must care about my future relationship with my adult children much more than most peas do. There are so many iron fisted, cruel, bitches of moms here who I would cut ties with and never look back had they been my parent. Remember when you treat your children this way - someday they will control access to your grandchildren; someday you will beg to spend time with them and they will say no; someday you will want them to take care of you and they (unlike you) are under no obligation to say yes. Well, if I remember correctly on another thread about moving you flat out said you would probably refuse to help your children if they ever moved away from you, and would have a hard time forgiving them for moving out of state, but would be willing to help your children who decided to stay with you so...yeah. How is that different? How is that not controlling? As to the OP, you're daughter felt she had a right to refuse, which she may have. But you can bet that would have been the last vegan meal I prepared or bought for her. She would be buying all her own food and products cooking all her own meals from now on. I did say I would have a very hard time if my children ever moved away (although I'm honestly not worried about it bc I think it unlikely), but I never said I would refuse to help them.
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Post by gar on Jul 23, 2016 14:27:35 GMT
I think the part that bothers me the most is that your daughter doesn't care that you were upset, that would have really hurt my feelings. It seems so uncaring. To me, this is not just about right and wrong following her beliefs or not. Her mom was really upset and she didn't care, she was more worried about being "right." If it was simply about standing up for her beliefs, she could have explained that and then asked how else she could help. That attitude, I would have respected. Edited to change wording. I agree with you but I doubt if this was a one-off. Kids at that age aren't suddenly selfish or uncaring. OP - I don't think your DD is as terrible as many have suggested but perhaps it has come to this as a gradual process and you have allowed it. Maybe you need to talk with her - explain/remind her how much you do for her that you could insist she does herself but you don't, and also that, for harmonious adult relationships in a household, she has to bend sometimes. Respect is a 2 way street.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 2, 2024 6:39:24 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2016 14:27:59 GMT
I would immediately stop catering to her vegan needs and I would tell her why.
She's being completely unreasonable.
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
Jun 25, 2014 20:06:48 GMT
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Post by freebird on Jul 23, 2016 14:41:23 GMT
If she couldn't help me out once in a while with my carnivore lifestyle, then I couldn't help her out with her vegan lifestyle. This means no buying of special food for her, no cooking of meals. That outta sink in pretty fast.
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Nink
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,947
Location: North Idaho
Jul 1, 2014 23:30:44 GMT
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Post by Nink on Jul 23, 2016 14:45:07 GMT
Well, if I remember correctly on another thread about moving you flat out said you would probably refuse to help your children if they ever moved away from you, and would have a hard time forgiving them for moving out of state, but would be willing to help your children who decided to stay with you so...yeah. How is that different? How is that not controlling? As to the OP, you're daughter felt she had a right to refuse, which she may have. But you can bet that would have been the last vegan meal I prepared or bought for her. She would be buying all her own food and products cooking all her own meals from now on. I did say I would have a very hard time if my children ever moved away (although I'm honestly not worried about it bc I think it unlikely), but I never said I would refuse to help them. You said you would be hurt,angry and would resent them for doing it and would be far less willing to help financially if they moved away. I'm typically not a spread sheet keeper and only remember this because I was so taken aback. My point is, I don't think it's fair to call those of us who don't agree "a bunch of controlling, iron fisted bitches" when you're somewhat guilty of it yourself with your own kids, but just with a different issue. Which is cool, but the tipping point for the OP is obviously different than the tipping point for you. That's all. ETA: if my kid moved to another country, while I'd miss him I'd be fine with it, but if he pulled the shit the OP's daughter did we'd have a problem. Just to show that we all parent differently and in the end are just doing the best we can.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Jul 23, 2016 14:58:48 GMT
Putting the vegan issues aside, the daughter was unkind. It's one thing to stand by one's principles, it's another to be mean and uncaring about it. That sums up my thoughts.
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Post by jenjie on Jul 23, 2016 15:02:23 GMT
I think it's unreasonable for the daughter not to help out with something small like this. I do think young people who have principles such as this can get s little myopic and forget what's enabling them to make these choices in life. So it's a good time to sit down and have a discussion about what her beliefs mean for the family and who is responsible for what. If I'm going out of my way to accommodate her I think she should be willing to accommodate me a little in turn. But I would hate to violate her ethical beliefs by forcing her hand. So my suggestion is a conversation: what is and isn't she willing to purchase for me at the store, what am I and am I not willing to purchase for her in terms of specialty sourced food and beauty items. And if it is all one sided - she wants all the accommodation or I have all the expectation - then maybe some negotiations need to be had. I agree with this. Because different people have different convictions about what is a deal breaker for them. And OP your daughter's deal breaker might be no buying animal products. But at the same time, your deal breaker is I need you to respect me and I need you to be a helpful part of this household. And hopefully you can work something out to meet in the middle or have an understanding of each other. I would do anything for love, but I won't do that... I would not buy alcohol or cigarettes for anyone under any circumstances. Yet ask me pretty much anything else and I will be there and do that for you. Also I won't be upset if you drink or smoke around me. Mil would never babysit for us to go to a movie. Mil has strong opinions about diet. So there are certain thinks I wouldn't ask her or Fil to pick up for me because I don't want to place them in that position and frankly don't want a lecture.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 2, 2024 6:39:24 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2016 15:03:19 GMT
I think your daughter is being totally ridiculous and I would let her know my thoughts. Buying something for you (that she has no intention of consuming) is completely acceptable IMO.
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Post by myshelly on Jul 23, 2016 15:26:50 GMT
I did say I would have a very hard time if my children ever moved away (although I'm honestly not worried about it bc I think it unlikely), but I never said I would refuse to help them. You said you would be hurt,angry and would resent them for doing it and would be far less willing to help financially if they moved away. I'm typically not a spread sheet keeper and only remember this because I was so taken aback. My point is, I don't think it's fair to call those of us who don't agree "a bunch of controlling, iron fisted bitches" when you're somewhat guilty of it yourself with your own kids, but just with a different issue. Which is cool, but the tipping point for the OP is obviously different than the tipping point for you. That's all. ETA: if my kid moved to another country, while I'd miss him I'd be fine with it, but if he pulled the shit the OP's daughter did we'd have a problem. Just to show that we all parent differently and in the end are just doing the best we can. I'm just thinking there's probably a connection between the widespread pea belief of my house, my rules and the pea belief that it's normal for kids to move far away. And I also still did not say that I would "refuse" to help.
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Post by elaine on Jul 23, 2016 15:35:46 GMT
I did say I would have a very hard time if my children ever moved away (although I'm honestly not worried about it bc I think it unlikely), but I never said I would refuse to help them. You said you would be hurt,angry and would resent them for doing it and would be far less willing to help financially if they moved away. I'm typically not a spread sheet keeper and only remember this because I was so taken aback. My point is, I don't think it's fair to call those of us who don't agree "a bunch of controlling, iron fisted bitches" when you're somewhat guilty of it yourself with your own kids, but just with a different issue. Which is cool, but the tipping point for the OP is obviously different than the tipping point for you. That's all. ETA: if my kid moved to another country, while I'd miss him I'd be fine with it, but if he pulled the shit the OP's daughter did we'd have a problem. Just to show that we all parent differently and in the end are just doing the best we can. myshelly, fwiw nink's recollection matches mine, because I too was blown away by it. You clearly said that you wouldn't help them financially if they moved away. I agree that it seems that you are just like the rest of us, just about a different issue.
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Post by gar on Jul 23, 2016 15:37:47 GMT
I'm just thinking there's probably a connection between the widespread pea belief of my house, my rules and the pea belief that it's normal for kids to move far away. Sorry, but that's ridiculous. It's entirely normal for young adults to spread their wings, go out and explore the world and who knows what reason may lead them to live away from the family home...work, love, adventure, all sorts of things. Trying to pin that on controlling parents (or whatever it is you're trying to say) is a huge stretch and and hugely disingenuous too. You've said yourself, many times, that you're controlling and are fine that way but how would you feel if your kids broke free from that, actually you've already told us - you'd virtually cut them off!
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ginacivey
Pearl Clutcher
refupea #2 in southeast missouri
Posts: 4,685
Jun 25, 2014 19:18:36 GMT
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Post by ginacivey on Jul 23, 2016 15:40:10 GMT
If you had asked her to select a pork tenderloin or something of that sort, and she had objections, I could understand. I can't understand picking up a carton of whipping cream. She eats in the same kitchen where meat is prepared and served. I think she needs to get over herself. That would be the end of meal accommodation for me. I might even be tempted to sprinkle some cheese into things I may not have in the past. very immature way to deal with conflict and spiteful - it demeans and undervalues her daughter's entire life philosophy i can not imagine, no matter how upset i was, doing something like this gina
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ginacivey
Pearl Clutcher
refupea #2 in southeast missouri
Posts: 4,685
Jun 25, 2014 19:18:36 GMT
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Post by ginacivey on Jul 23, 2016 15:42:58 GMT
Yes, I would say you have raised a brat. I have one of those too. i'd go on to say 'you have a brat' you didn't raise one i swear it's the age i have a pretty self-absorbed 22 yo dd myself but it's damn sure not because i raised her that way it's because some 22 yo's are still a bit immature and still learning how to adult!
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